life's painless for the brainless

“Have ya ever jus’ wanted to get away? Like… book a flight at the last minute an’ jet off for a bit? Even just for a couple o’ weeks? Jus’ for a change…”

“If I could afford it, yeh. But I can’t and I doubt I’ll ever be able to at this rate. Where you thinking of going to?”

“-What d’ya mean that wasn’t a snog? Your lips were right on mine!” Finn argued, knowing what he’d felt.

“It was a ‘fuck we live together but I still haven’t seen you in months’ snog. Not like it hasnt happened before.”

“Do you really think that kissing me is going to help?…”

“No. You’re right, I need to find someone straight. What the fuck was I thinking?”

“Look mate, I’ve got no idea what you just said, cause honestly I’m a bit knackered, but I can tell ya what, it sure sounded uninteresting and human.”

“You all right there dude?”

“Everythin’ hurts,” Roxy groaned, barely even able to lift her head off the pillow.

Lucas went to the hospital as soon he could after the roads had cleared and he was able to get there. “But at least you’re alive,” Lucas breathed out feeling relieved.

“I’m not really feeling it. Sorry Lea.”

Lea is surprised by the honesty, especially after only having been reunited. One of the biggest problems Lea had with Lucas when they were together was his lack of honesty. He kept things inside and it was like pulling teeth to get information out of him. Although she was relieved he was being honest, she wasn’t happy that things weren’t going well for him. Although they’ve had their fair share of drama, Lea only wanted the best for him. “I-I’m doing.” Lea couldn’t talk about herself, not now. “I’m honestly not doing too well either.” She shrugged, but instead focused on what Lucas was saying. Hearing the story now, she could understand. She understood how important it was to be a good friend and Lea appreciated that about him. “I get it. I do.” She nodded, looking at him, expression soft. “I appreciate you saying all of this. But I needed you. I love Lise but I needed you there. And when nobody but Lise came to see me, I felt like nobody cared about me. I felt like maybe I didn’t have the friends that I thought I did. Like maybe nobody cared about me. It felt like the final straw and, so, I left.”

Lucas reached over to slowly take hold of Lea’s fingers. It was nothing too romantic just his fingers curling around hers. He wanted to show her he’d changed. Maybe even that she’d made him a better person. He wasn’t always good. Two-timing two girls for stupid reasons was a bit of a downfall, but his mind had changed. And his heart too. “I’m here. Anything you need, I’m here. As your friend, as your enemy, as whatever you want. It’ll never change.” He breathed out. He didn’t want Lea to be unhappy and didn’t like to see her that way. “No, you were always loved. More than anybody. People just didn’t know or got caught up in their own stuff. It was never that nobody cared.” Lucas’ head dropped to the floor again. “Things could’ve been so different now if I was there huh? Guess I’ll always regret that.”

Lea laughed, brows raised as if she were surprised herself. “I know. Didn’t even know I’d come here myself.” Lea had left London in such a hurry and hardly knew where she was going at all. She had some money that she had saved from working and her brother lent her a fair amount as well to keep her on her feet. She found a monthly rented flat, though it was a bit shit, and decided to stay for awhile. Coming back just seemed right. Lea continued to stare at him, as if she was looking at him for the first time He looked different and yet the same – it was a feeling she didn’t know how to describe. However, when he spoke again, Lea didn’t know how to act. Of course she missed him too, missed him more than she cared to admit. She had been so angry with him though and that wasn’t a feeling she could rid herself of. “Me either.” It was all she could say, her gaze dancing over his features. “How’ve you been?”

The old Lucas would lie and say he was fine. He’d say he was always fine and hide the truth. But Lea had taught him how to open up. “Things only seem to be getting worse for me, to be honest. A lot’s happened. How about you?” Sometimes he wished he had his old lack of emotions because it was always easier that way. But there didn’t seem there was a way to get back to that. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried. Lucas looked to the ground. “Last time I saw you....” He gulped and looked back to her face. “Ellie was unwell. And I knew how it felt to be in her position. You taught me the compassion that led me to care for her but caring as a friend was all it ever was. Ellie and I have never even been that close, I just wanted to help somebody for once.” He looked around the club making sure nobody’s attention was on them. “By protecting what she didn’t want anybody to know I hurt you and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t know what else I could do,” he shrugged. “Then I felt like turning up at the hospital would make you hate me anymore. So I gave you space and I let Lise deal with it on her own. I should’ve come for you. Probably more stupid for saying all of this here but I have to say it because I didn’t get chance last time and I don’t want to lose this chance too.” 

The voice practically sent shivers down her spine and she could feel the sudden pounding of her heart, now slowly turning to gaze at him. Looking at him now, it felt so long ago that she had last seen him. She had left with no note or no phone call and while she knew she should have said something, her heart just couldn’t take it. She had been in hospital and the only person that came had been Lise. Finn was excused – he had no memory after the accident – but what was Lucas’ excuse? After she got out of the hospital, she packed her bags and ran. It was all she could think to do. “Hi stranger.” She finally said, her eyes dancing over his features.

The last time Lucas had seen Lea was at the party where he went home with Ellie. He had offered to take her home after finding out she had an eating disorder just like he had. He had always felt terrible that he couldn’t tell Lea why he had done it and felt too guilty to go and visit her in the hospital. “You were the last person I expected to see here.” He felt overcome with nervousness. It was an emotion he’d finally started to feel in the recent year. He wasn’t a whole lot like the person he was when he first met Lea anymore. He’d had to do a lot of growing up. “I always hoped you’d come back. I don’t think you ever left my mind.”

Lise was dripping wet and shivering more than she ever had before when she walked back into the bar. Her back felt like it was about to collapse and her breathing felt as if it was about to stop. She spoke to the first person she saw. “I just… Roxy’s just been run over. I couldn’t get to her in time. It’s my fucking fault again.”

Lucas was so shocked at what he was hearing Lise saying. He’d been so horrible to Roxy ever since Rufus had come back and he suddenly felt guilty for it. She’d just broken his heart and everybody knew he didn’t deal well to that. “It isn’t your fault. How can it be?” Lucas kissed Lises head to comfort her. His eyes looked outside. “I can’t get to the hospital can I? Was she....alive?”

“This is typical English rain, right? Right?”

“Yeah just a bit of drizzle.”

Lea had returned to Lincolnshire and, honestly, she wasn’t sure if it was a good idea or not. After what had happened to her in London, she couldn’t decide where to go. Her home in London felt out of the question and all she wanted was a place she felt comfortable in: all she could think of was Stamford. Even though she left so much drama in Stamford, she knew she needed to return. Maybe this place could save her.

Lucas hadn’t really planned to go to the party. He’d lost contact with Alexis and Faye -maybe they’d found out he’d been seeing them both - and after everything with his parents recently he was in no mood to celebrate anything, especially things containing the word love. Unfortunately enough Lise had dragged him along as her date. Quite literally dragged.

Lise & Lucas

When the approached the right street it really felt like Lucas’ back had become stuck to the seat and unable to move. He was silent when they got out and walked to the door. He didn’t really allow any eye-contact with him Mum. His heart just started beating faster and he felt sick to the stomach. He wanted to grip hold of Lise and pull her back to the car but she’d already marshed her way into the house by the time he could stop her. Why did she have all the talents of making parents love her but not him? “I can’t do this,” Lucas whispered back. His Mum left them at the downstairs bathroom and went into the living room, presumably talking to Lucas’s Dad. Breathing quicker than he ever felt like he had before tears grew in his eyes. Being back in that house was something he’d never thought would happen again and it was too much. He went into the bathroom to compose himself and get rid of the tears and then came back out when he was ready. But when he came out he found his Mum coming to join him. “Would you like a drink?” she asked. Lucas took a second to answer. He wanted to say no but he knew Lise would probably kick him up the arse. “Yeah. Thank you. Two coffees if that’s alright.” He wore his confident smile and walked into the front room where he shiver upon seeing his father too.

Annalise playfully pushed Lucas’s head out of the way. “What an insult. Saying I look like your face.” She shrugged at his question. His parents did seem very harsh but so were hers in their own way. “Families can be chosen. We act like bloody siblings. We just need to find the rest of our family. It’s hard, but you don’t need someone who sqeeezed you out of their vagina. You know what I’m saying? That might be more hard work than I ever wanna put in but it can’t be half as hard as the rest of it. The stuff they couldn’t be arsed with.”

Lucas shook his head and laughed. “Blimey you say you’re rubbish with people but you always know what to say..” He thought for a moment and went quiet. “I’m gonna give them one more chance. I’m gonna visit them. Will you come with me?”

Roxy rolled her eyes at Lucas’ comment but didn’t give a retort back; he already looked upset, she didn’t want to add to it. “I’ve missed ya,” she said honestly with a smile. She glanced down at the letter, not being able to read it from where she was sitting but not believing him anyway. “If it wasn’t a big deal, ya wouldn’t have a face like tha’. Ya know ya can tell me anythin’, don’t ya?” She placed her hand on top of his. “Honestly.”

Lucas ignored the ‘I’ve missed you’ comment. He failed to believe it for even a second. “It’s just my parents doing non-parent-like things. You know, teeling me off for sending Christmas cards. Once upon a time I stopped thinking about them. I thought I could have a new family, of my own. But that got spoilt. I got pushed aside. So please don’t pretend you care when you made everything worse.”