aeris.

i was w a fellow financially irresponsible friend lol and stupid idea i decided to go w him to uniqlo to check out the bllk collab shirts in person.

we get there and i grab literally the last size small rin shirt they have and i'm like holding it hemming and hawing trying to decide whether to buy it as if we haven't alr walked away and r heading towards the register

he's not technically meta, but since i have the rest of a team built for him (durin, nicole, venti/emilie), and i don't mind melt rxns, i think i'll use him occasionally, but i feel as tho i shld have saved for sandrone

im not particularly into claymore characters tho, so even if i did pull for sandrone, i likely wldn't use her, regardless of how pretty she is. but she is going to b like the first character to generate stellar conduct rxns, which i think will b rlly cool, but eh idk i'm not super into it, i like jst don't rlly use cryo in general but i think that will have to change now that we're moving into snezhnaya

the primary reason that i pulled for lohen tho is his personality bc i love a good crazy character, like he's my favorite type of feral. i find that i dont particularly care much abt tartaglia despite his bloodthirst, primarily bc he is meant to b a villain as a fatui harbinger, but lohen is part of the knights of favonius, and i rlly enjoy the dichotomy between someone so batshit insane and his identity as someone on the "good" side. it's the same thing as gojo i think, bc i didn't rlly care abt him as jst a jujutsu sorcerer, but when his fights in shibuya and against toji were animated, i rlly started to get into his character and the depth of his personality.

i jst spent 160 on 26 rin itoshi pins from the exhibition

im gna make a repeat ita bag!!!

i have actually been contemplating this for so long, like i actually jst keep thinking abt it sm that i caved and sent a counteroffer to someone on ebay who was selling this bundle of pins.

i wasn't actually rlly expecting them to accept the offer tho, bc it's like a 20% decrease from their original price excluding sales tax, but even if they had jst ghosted me, i wld have been fine too, bc yk, i wldn't b spending that much money.

since they did accept it, i bought the pins, this time w my credit card so that i can earn some cash back, and i can pay off my card after i've gotten my paycheck in two weeks.

ok but now i gotta buy inserts, badge covers, and find an ita bag that matches the vibe, plus decide what other charms and stuff i'll put on, but at least i've got abt a month to do that since the pins will likely arrive around then!

and then i started thinking abt how unsettling or like potentially traumatizing canon bunny has to b for this fanwork to b created, like what in the fuck has bunny done man.

and also then i started thinking abt rin and his destroyer mode, how batshit insane he looks when he's reached his flow state and how, generally, u might b able to compare bunny and rin as being two sides of the same coin. bunny, for how calm he comes off as, has some very complex feelings abt soccer, and he gets pretty in his feelings abt it. he doessn't rlly seem like he actually likes soccer, and he says that seeing the joy in isagi's eyes when he rambles on abt soccer makes him want to die, which i take to mean that seeing someone else so happy and enjoying life makes his own life feel lonely in comparison. he feels like he's only playing soccer out of obligation rather than bc he actually enjoys it. maybe he enjoyed when he first started, when he wasn't in the professional leagues and facing sm pressure, bc bunny's recruitment as a new gen xi player is bc of his extraordinary athletic abilities and his almost supernaturally good luck on the field. what sticks out to me is his luck, smthg that isagi learns to harness on the field, or rather is still learning to use. if bunny's play is heavily influenced by his own luck in addition to his natural physical abilities, maybe it's smthg that he feels makes soccer boring. maybe he hasn't learned to see it the same way isagi has, and i feel like being known for ur occasional strokes of luck wld get old kinda quick. like ego says, luck is a skill born out of observation and decisive action, but if bunny has been acting on luck since his childhood, even off the field, observing everything and winning everything, i feel as tho that i'd get kinda of bored (i can't help but think of hugo, who's been very self-aware since childhood abt his superiority and intellect, but has followed a different path of finding passion in fate and destiny and applying that to soccer). bunny is a pretty apathetic individual and his whole life prbly revolves around soccer even if he doesn't want it to, if smthg doesn't come out to surprise him off the field or on it, i think he wld jst feel like nothing is fun anymore, and that life itself isn't fun anymore. if all ppl see him as is bunny igelsias the soccer player, unsettling and intimidating or smthg, then idk, i feel like i'd want to quit too. but he also somehow quietly enjoys seeing others b happy as well, like the bllk wiki says he has a quiet appreciation for seeing others enjoy their passions, and i think that's kind of cute. in soccer, particularly in bllk's verse, i think bunny is able to see a lot of ppl enjoy their passion of soccer, and even if it makes him feel lonely bc he doesn't experience that same sense of joy, he's still able to feel smthg for other players.

rin, on the other hand, his whole world is also soccer, but he has a much deeper passion for it than bunny does. it's smthg that is intrinsically linked to his personality and his entire being from the moment he started loving sae, but bc it's his entire being, sae ripping that away from him that night on the field has added an dangerously intense and harmful tinge to it. it paints his passion for soccer w a thirst for blood and violence that i think bunny wld find amusing rin is someone who has loved soccer for years, primarily bc it's smthg that lets him experience a profoundly deep connection to sae, and yet, even when sae has ripped that comfortable vision and naivety out from beneath his feet, rin still finds it in himself to keep going, to continue to find passion for soccer, even if it's now tainted by hatred.

i think there's a parallel that i might b extrapolating from nothing but the way i think abt it, bunny, who's passion for soccer is potentially almost completely snuffed out, finds his passion in riling ppl up and crushing their dreams on the field. similarly, when rin's in his destroyer flow, he finds satisfaction in drawing his opponents' strongest moves out and annihilating them.

but anyway, i brought all of this up to say that i think it's an interesting thing to think abt how similar rin and bunny r, not in terms of their mentality, but in terms of how they play when they're at their best, provoking ppl to extract their most powerful plays and crushing them to experience victory. they're both such destructive ppl, but on opposite sides of the spectrum where bunny is so apathetic and rin is so emotionally driven; bunny acts to feel smthg but rin acts bc he feels entirely too much and the dichotomy between these two states of being is too fucking fun to think abt.

in terms of how i think this affects sae, i also think it's kind of interesting the way that sae doesn't seem to fear rin's destructive flow, and instead finds it comforting or nostalgic in a way. like when rin is fully in flow during the u-20 match, sae says smthg along the lines of oh so u can still make that face huh, which is a moment that i actually think makes sae feel like an older brother; he's reminiscing abt rin's old habits, making it feel like he actually thinks abt him and misses what they had even if he's not expressing it very well. and maybe he saw rin in bunny when they first met or smthg. they strike me as somewhat similar, quiet and isolated (for different reasons), and sae was alone in a new country that he struggled to speak the language of. but wtv happened between bunny and sae has created a long lasting grudge between the two of them, smthg that bunny maybe revels in? but it feels like the grudge that rin holds toward sae, and yk the saying: the enemy of my enemy is my friend or smthg. i feel like rin cld bring some excitement to bunny if bunny doesn't try to do to rin what he did to sae, which ngl i think is super unlikely. i think bunny wld absolutely fucking haunt rin, preying on his broken relationship w sae and provoking him w it. and i think rin wld prbly hold some sort of grudge towards bunny too, but idek if rin knows that bunny is involved in sae giving up on their dream.

ok so i havent read the actual chapter or wtv, but i've read some leaks and basically ego is lecturing them abt what ego is, and how it's what dictates the goals u score and what types of goals u score and he says that there was one player on the team that didn't believe that they cld b the world's best striker, and that's y they lost. and like i can't believe isagi actually wanted to b benched, saying that he thinks it's him who thought he cldn't b the best but no ego says it's rin who's being benched and like, i fucking knew it

like rin's way of playing is not sustainable in the long run. he's got some issues linked to his inability to form healthy social bonds w others, and his fixation on isagi and sae is limiting him bc the way that rin forms emotional connections w ppl means that their connection becomes smthg that he ties himself to. when rin begins to form a genuine emotional connection to someone, it becomes smthg where he essentially doesn't want to let go of them, and all he wants to do on the pitch is play together w them, bc fundamentally, i think rin is a lonely child who misses the bond that he previously had w sae. being that his parents were pretty emotionally unavailable, rin's never learned how to process and identify his own emotions, and so i'm pretty sure that rin doesn't rlly know how to determine whether or not he actually wants to b someone's friend, or if he hates them or not; w sae, as much as rin wants to say that he hates sae and all that he's done to him, rin still loves him, and that yearning for what they were before intertwined w the mass of loathing that he's developed creates a rlly confusing sensation and i think that's prbly translated to all of the relationships that he's formed in blue lock. what rin views as hatred is prbly mixed w desire and attachment, and that makes it difficult to separate himself from the person that he forms the bond w. in terms of isagi, this means that as much as rin claims to hate isagi, and that he wants to kill him, he still has a desire to stick close and to make sure that isagi will never leave him. it clouds everything else in his path, bc this person that he's allowed into his world after so much time spent pushing everyone else away, this person needs to stay by his side to give rin the subconscious comfort that he is worthy of human connection and that he has someone to push him and act as an obstacle which he can fight and potentially die in a cool way (going back to his thing abt villainy and villains dying in a blaze of glory).

so in that moment, when isagi turned his eye away from rin, decided that he was going to abandon rin for karasu bc he wasn't offering enough openings for a goal, rin lost it and prbly began to feel that same sense of abandonment that he felt w sae on that snowy night. and maybe he emulated the same emotional state he was in that night on the pitch in that moment, feeling his world crashing down, except this time it's translating to anger and vitriol against isagi. but i think a small part of him also thought abt giving up and abt not being good enough as a striker if yet another person, another rival, is going to abandon him for someone else. and so rin lashes out, jst like how he lashed out and destroyed sae's trophies and their pictures that night, simultaneously turning his feelings of abandonment into resolve to beat isagi and doing smthg dramatic almost as if to say "look at me, i still need u, i still want u next to me."

i think rin being benched is prbly a good idea for now, i think he needs to sort out some of his thoughts, y he's playing, like actually thinking abt y he's playing soccer, if not jst for revenge and to maybe get his brother's and isagi's attention. like to me, it kind of seems like rin is playing soccer as if it's the only thing keeping him alive, which is a big part of y i like rin's character sm, it's so dramatic and relatable, but it's definitely problematic in the long term.

like it's so bad and it's so incredibly toxic for a. rin to always b chasing sae and for sae to b verbally beating down rin unaware of how much of a bully he's being but like i can't, i genuinely find it so fun to pick at their relationship as brothers. and b. ness chasing kaiser in a similar way regardless of how badly kaiser treats him, and kaiser treating ihim n that way to justify his belief in his inability to b loved.

like im rereading ch. 124 and it's jst so tragic the way rin and sae's relationship falls apart. in the beginning rin's all like soft and shit, jst listening to what sae has to say abt his playing (sae calls his shot shoddy, he says he'll work on it, sae asks him to b speedier, he agrees to try), and in some ways, it reminds me of ness' perspective of playing w kaiser. ness plays w kaiser bc it feels like magic to him, it feels as tho kaiser embodies a miracle and bring out the beauty of a game like soccer; he's no longer alone in a bleak world, but instead there's someone to give him light. for rin, it's much the same where sae is someone that is always there for rin, and consistently cares for him, bringing kindness and companionship to an otherwise lonely world that considers him weird.

and yet sae's words make him reconsider their relationship. bc sae tells rin that he's unnecessary in his life, aka on the field as his striker, bc he's so dogwater, rin thinks back to their moments playing together, looking at it thru the lens of him jst being a stepping stone for sae, someone that he jst uses to reach the world stage. even tho rin was having fun and he genuinely wanted to play w sae to fulfill their dream, now bc sae has told rin that he's an eyesore, directly targeting their relationship as brothers and as family, it places doubt on their closeness. regardless of how close players need to b to play as partners on the field, siblinghood shld trump that, and in calling rin unnecessary in his life, implying that rin was only good for supporting sae's dreams, that shatters all ideas of sae actually loving rin for playing w him. it reduces rin to someone who's worth is entirely based on how well he can play, when i rlly don't think rin wld have been so motivated to play without sae by his side. their shared dream to b the best strikers in the world was smthg that i feel like sae was mostly into, and rin jst got dragged along for the ride; rin quite literally says he jst wanted to b by sae's side as his brother and like, given that sae's been his main pillar of support his entire life, this upheaval of rin's beliefs abt their relationship, wrongly interpreted or not bc i don't think we're meant to believe that sae actually didn't see rin as his precious little brother, it jst feels so wrong for sae to crush his dreams like that. i actually feel like crying this is so sad

and like i keep thinking back to the moment that rin and sae first see each other after sae comes back from spain and how rin immediately notices how bad sae looks. he looks worn out, he's lost weight, and rin clocks that as soon as he sees sae. it must b kind of dark out and yet rin still notices.

and then when sae challenges rin, saying that if rin loses their dream is over, rin says that sae can't jst make that decision that on his own. it jst makes me think abt how sae has never rlly pushed rin in this way. sure he's bossy on the field and as more of a midfielder for rin he sets up the pass for rin to shoot, but sae's never been so forceful or directly hostile towards rin. he's never pushed rin to do smthg that he doesn't want to do, esp not a match that he doesn't want to play, and yet the moment that sae and rin meet, after several years of little to no contact, sae harshly pushes rin to face his own ineptitude. i agree that it was a wakeup call that rin needed, but genuinely it cld have been said in a nicer way right, w less miscommunication??

small note, i don't have any complete thoughts abt this yet, but i also like the luck aspect of their brotherhood, where rin is generally the one w all the luck, the primary notes being his consistent winning of the popsicle stick draws and being a natural talented genius, compared to sae who always gets the losing stick and is someone who needs to think and learn to play as well as he does. and yet for all his luck, sae acknowledges isagi rather than rin bc of his lucky winning shot during the u-20 match; like sae said, rin wastes all his luck on insignificant moments like the ice cream stick, rather that it being useful in their goal to b the world's best. jst a little thing that i think abt a lot

anyway then i started thinking abt ness and kaiser and how their relationship diverges from sae and rin's. yeah kaiser has continuously treated ness poorly, taking advantage of ness' desire for companionship and willingness to b manipulated, but in their final scene together, ness is the one to get thru to kaiser. kaiser's fucking blowing up at ness, revealing his true thoughts abt himself and his humanity, abt how he is an inherently unlovable person and how his only worth is found in his ability to score goals.

i actually have a lot of thoughts abt that, bc i find it interesting to think abt kaiser, someone who prbly has both an inferiority and a superiority complex. he has a lot of talent in soccer and he genuinely is one of the best players of his generation, but that's all he is. maybe it's an exaggeration, but it's giving geto's msg to gojo: r u strong bc ur gojo satoru or r u gojo satoru bc ur strong? is kaiser "michael kaiser the human" bc he's good at soccer, or is he good at soccer bc he's "michael kaiser the human"?; can kaiser's soccer ability b separated from his humanity and consequently is his ability to b loved by others? kaiser doesn't believe that he can b loved, his mother left him w his abusive father, he grew up destitute, and ray dark only saved him bc of his soccer talent. so it makes sense that kaiser's "humanity" or rather what little that is left of it, is tied entirely to his ability to b a superior striker. and so bc he's internalizing sm self-hate, reducing himself to subhumanity, he takes that out on others to hide it. yeah he's good at soccer, and he knows that, is confident abt that, but that's it, that's the only thing that makes him redeemable. kaiser's superiority regarding his soccer skills is justifiable if not insufferable, but the thought process behind what it means abt himself if he loses is actually jst self-destructive.

going back to ness and kaiser, so yeah kaiser's fucking abusive asl to ness bc he's also got abandonment issues. if kaiser's mean, then it's kind of justifying it in advance if ness ever leaves him, like ness was weak for not being able to withstand kaiser. it's also meant to prove his inhumanity, how inherently unlovable he is without his soccer ability. if ness were to leave him like a normal person wld, it wld prbly b bc he cldn't take kaiser's abuse, proving that kaiser's a pos who's only good for playing soccer. and it's also a form of companionship that kaiser can allow himself. he's got a superiority complex formed on the basis of his soccer talent; if ness follows after him like a dog bc of the magic that he finds in kaiser's soccer, then it only makes sense that kaiser wld manipulate ness w that, taking advantage of ness' willingness to do anything for kaiser to further prove that he can only b loved for his soccer. kaiser manipulates ness into depending on him bc it emphasizes his own inadequacy as a human.

but ness knows he's being manipulated, he's letting kaiser think he's dependent, when rlly ness is staying bc he actually does love kaiser. ness might have first found interest in kaiser bc of his talent but somewhere along the line, he started to view kaiser as someone he can b close to. for all that kaiser verbally, physically, and mentally abuses ness, i'm not totally sure that he ever rlly lays into ness abt his love for magic. ness grew up w everyone in his family ignoring and ridiculing him for his belief that magic exists in the world, claiming that science and objective truth is the most important thing in life. it's emotionally isolating and so when kaiser comes into his life, letting ness project his ideas of magic onto him without explicitly fucking w him for it, it creates that bond between them. they both have someone in each other that won't abandon them as others have in the past. ness truly sees kaiser as human, as flesh and blood and sin, all wrapped up in a miracle that brought them together, as though fate decided that someone like ness, kind and giving and wholly self-sacrificing despite his natural genius, is perfect for kaiser, selfish and abrasive and talented. kaiser needs ness and ness needs kaiser, and in this moment when kaiser is screaming at ness to leave him alone, deeming himself an unnecessary part of the field, ness clings onto him and hopes to save him, hope to cast a spell on kaiser's broken self to help him.

and this is the difference between kainess and the itoshi brothers. kaiser and sae r similar ppl, broken down to believe that all they have is their ability to play soccer and believing that the only way to prove their worth is thru winning matches; we still don't know what happened to sae in spain, but it's clear that he's got trauma that prevents him from returning to his "naive" outlook of soccer from before. now, he is the world's best midfielder bc of his perspective from the international leagues, and he's jaded bc of it. kaiser has been jaded since he was young, he's grown up traumatized. kaiser and sae, both talented learners rather than the genius' that rin and ness r, both refuse to accept failure bc it's a signal of their weakness, of their inherent lack of worth. and when they do fail, they try to get the ppl closest to them to leave them, to abandon them, for kind of similar reasons; both of them want ness and rin to leave and find someone else to play w, to create a chemical rxn w, to not jst rely on worthless players like them.

but the way they project this onto the ppl closest to them is so different. kaiser completely drops the facade, he loses it at ness, screaming that he's humiliated himself, that his existence is a humiliation bc of his failure after he was arrogant enough to drop ness on the field. and ness responds encouragingly bc this is the kaiser that he recognized all along. ness has stuck w kaiser thru the shift from genuine friendship in the beginning to codependency later on, and this prolonged contact w someone so complex makes it easy for ness to discern what kaiser is truly afraid of and not directly saying. ness will not leave, kaiser, someone who has seen and cared for ness in his own way.

but in true sae fashion, rather than doing what kaiser does, he hides it behind a veil of coldness. instead of offering more than jst a cursory criticism of rin's play, sae jst claims rin is useless, projecting his own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy onto rin. yes, it's prbly in hopes of encouraging rin to find his own play, to not become dependent on sae so that he can stop limiting himself, but i think what he says to rin is what he thinks of himself as a striker. unsuited to being a striker, forced to embody stereotypical japanese play as a midfielder, sae tries to push rin to b a good striker and not rely on sae as his only reason to play. and rin, young and understandably quite confused by the change in demeanor from the sae that he remembers from before spain, takes it as u wld expect someone to. rin gets mad, feels abandoned, and goes chasing after sae w the sole intent of surpassing him regardless of what he does to himself. rin doesn't try to think abt sae's perspective or y he's changed sm, not that i rlly expect him to as a moody teen, and sae doesn't try to change that view that rin has of him; sae doesn't even think rin's going thru smthg so devastatingly toxic, he jst thinks it's a literal phase and rin's jst grumpy like what?

also i want to point out that rin doesn't jst give up on soccer even tho sae calls him useless on the field and abandons him, he jst pivots and plays for revenge; sae also doesn't give up on soccer when he's told he's useless as a striker, he jst becomes the best midfielder, maybe for revenge? their equal but separate desires for revenge push them away from each other bc there's a fundamental lack of understanding in what they r trying to communicate to each other. but kaiser, when he realizes his fallibility, tries to throw it all away and quit. ness is the one who keeps their bond together, tossing their old dynamic out and molding it into one where ness is the one guiding kaiser. they actually communicate what they mean to each other, and this is y i think kainess will survive and come back stronger than before :D

but also in one part, isagi's kind of breaking under the pressure of the national team kit that they're given to wear, bc yeah it is rlly cool and definitely puts a lot more pressure on the players to win when they're wearing their country's official jersey. and rin's philosophy of the field being a battlefield, one where loss is not a possibility unless u want to die rlly shines in the way that he completely disregards isagi's concerns, calling isagi out for being hype abt the jersey, losing, and then moping abt it. for rin the kit is smthg he hasn't earned yet, it's only given to them bc the jfa wants to put on a show for bllk tv viewers, and so these games r half-baked, they're lukewarm and not the true battlefield where he'll crush his brother on the world stage. it's a battlefield, but it's not the battlefield, and if u lose to these opponents at this stage, u weren't worth it anyway. these shld b bugs that u crush without a thought; they're jst npcs that die in the crossfire between the villain and the protagonist's final battle. rin wants that challenge on his own merit, and he's unwavering in his belief that these games r humiliating bc it was jst handed to him.

thoughts on the second to last part of the story: ok first of all i get plot armor but y in the fuck is it that whenever isagi makes a goal it's the most hyped thing ever and it's like "oh the world is shaking along w the net, is japanese soccer entering a new era?!?!" and like ok sure he's the mc but man he literally jst came to the realization that he's too busy being a pussy to b a striker, he's feeling scared and performing poorly bc of it even tho everybody else is under the same conditions and performing better, like keep up bro. and yeah ok i get it, it's stressful and mental fortitude and mental health is a very subjective thing , but as isagi's realized, everybody else is feeling the same pressure as he is, and yet he's kind of the only one visibly floundering. lol i think im jst biased against isagi bc rin scores two goals in his games, both from areas w small shooting possibility, compared to isagi's one and yet all they do is focus on isagi like fuck off

pls give me a five star rin player i will spend my life on this game getting him and leveling him up

wait ok tiny detail i thought was cool

look at isagi's hair, it's a cute little swirl! idk if that's intentional or jst a result of isagi spinning around rlly fast but it feels vaguely symbolic of the two positions that isagi and hugo find themselves in rn. hugo is stuck in place being challenged where isagi is in motion acting as the challenger; it's a reverse of their previous roles earlier in the game. nah i think i'm jst trying to find symbolism in shit that doesn't need a meaning lol

smthg i noticed was that the first few pages are jst straight action shots, there's no dialogue and yeah that makes sense. no one's rlly thinking in these panels, it's straight instinct and absolutely nothing is in their minds. but i also think it's interesting that it's like the world is silent, there's no destiny, no fate, no luck, everything in this moment seems to be silent in the face of rin itoshi's obsession and ego, as tho it's smthg that dominates everything in entirety.

and yeah that is true, rin's ego does take precedent over everything in his life, once he sets his sights on smthg and allows his ego to devour him and that fixation, it all goes to his instincts and he allows his natural genius to come out to play rather than thinking and acting as a puppeteer. that's literally what his destroyer flow is, it's him getting entirely overwhelmed and shutting everything out so that his instincts can take over. but unlike the other teams that he's previously played against, where his natural genius instincts were enough to let the team win, it's not enough against pxg this time, they're way stronger and he needs to actually think and play instead of jst playing.

rin is following the egoist philosophy, and i think that this chapter and moment is a representation of an evolution of that philosophy -> it's not enough anymore for the blue lock team to be egoists, now they have to push beyond that and think further, think while they play, use their senses and their brains to visualize the perfect plays for them. even for those whose playstyle is more instinctual and based on physical ability, now they need to evolve further; it's kind of a nagi situation where their current stage of egoism is not enough anymore, and in order to not be locked off, they need to be better.

rin's ego needs to change, i think from this incident, he needs to realize that he can't jst keep playing to his emotions and natural instincts. that's not going to b enough to let him play professionally and beat other countries. rin's always had a problem w obsessing over smthg or someone. first it was sae and then soccer and then a combination of those two, and his soccer obsession is like fine, sure it's now a career path, but combining that w an obsession w a player is clearly only holding him back. in his obsession w sae, he was still preventing himself from truly reaching his full potential; it blinded him so that it was basically only him against the world (read: sae). it is good to have smthg that he can work towards, but it has to b smthg that's not going to limit himself and give him more of an internal drive. i don't necessarily think that using other players as his motivation, as markers of success, is a bad thing, i jst think that that involves emotions far too much, and getting attached in the way that he does will only limit how much he lets himself achieve. rin is someone w intense abandonment and attachment issues like he's got both to an intense degree, and those r things that he needs to work on before i think he'll truly b able to reach his peak bc i rlly do think that there needs to b a balance of working w ur team mates and having enough individuality to take ur own shots. rin refusing to form bonds w his teammates is going to b detrimental to his playing in professional leagues, he's not going to b playing against jst anyone and so he's going to need support from his team mates. it's not smthg that he can jst brute force his way thru, but he also can't tether himself down to one person and prevent himself from growing past them. it's kind of like ness, where ness cld do sm much more if he passed to other ppl besides kaiser, like he genuinely cld b jst as good, if not a better, midfielder than sae if he didn't limit himself to jst kaiser; if rin stopped obsessing over one person and tying his playstyle to them, making his playing far more emotion-driven than it shld b, i think he cld go sm further.

he's known for his puppeteer playstyle, not jst his destroyer flow after all. i think if he were able to control his emotions to a point where he has the same intensity and drive during his destroyer flow, but not the overwhelming sense of pain, and managed to maintain the mental sharpness that allows him to manipulate the players on the field, then he'd b so goated. i do think that he might have to do some personal work on his puppeteer style, jst bc it was smthg that he created out of a sense of desperation for sae to come back from spain; it was meant to fill in the gap that he felt existed on the field when sae left him to play alone.

abt his destroyer flow, im like so in love w the thought process behind it, like i think it is so interesting from a psychological perspective that it's smthg that comes out when he's emotionally overwhelmed and when he feels a lack of control over the field it's smthg that allows him to play despite that; it's so incredibly self-destructive, forcing him to play rather than collapse on the spot, but that it's also his natural state of genius is also so fucking cool. also im totally prbly overthinking it, but it does feel very similar to isagi weaponizing his hypersensitivity -> rather than allowing themselves to b overwhelmed and unable to play, they both use it to fuel their playstyles and increase their capabilities. anyway, it's rin's natural state of play and i find it so nice jst to see rin being free from the expectations that he's set for himself. i think it only goes to establish further that by trying to play similarly to sae, thinking methodically and planning everything out meticulously, he's only holding himself back. as much as rin wld like to say that he's not trying to follow in sae's footsteps and that he doesn't worship sae anymore, he still is centering his entire play and his life around sae. sae haunts rin everywhere and when he finally can't take that burden of trying to b someone he's not, his destroyer flow comes out to release him and his inner demons (lol inner demons is such a funny thing but i think it fits the image of his destroyer flow, and also im still totally projecting but it kind of feels like a metaphor for masking and unmasking).

that's y i think that if rin were able to get over his fixation on sae and isagi, and actually like go thru therapy for emotional management and stuff, not jst anger management, he'd b a significantly stronger player. while he was doing his training before the world cup, rin was still thinking abt sae and isagi within what was supposed to b the empty void of his mind, driving the point that even in solitude, they dictate a lot of what goes on in his mind and what he thinks abt. it's genuinely concerning how dependent he is on them, so i think if he had more time than jst that short period before the world cup, he'd b able to get through a lot more of his mental blocks and reconcile w his unresolved abandonment/attachment issues.

speaking of which, i think the combination of these two complexes is very interesting. rin is afraid that if he gets attached to ppl they'll leave him once he gets comfortable like sae did. it doesn't matter how close they actually r, or how comfortable they r together, i feel like rin wld think that once they see who he actually is underneath his rough exterior, they'll leave him bc they feel uneasy abt it. but companionship is smthg natural to ppl, once u start spending time w ppl who give a shit abt u, u want to keep being w them, u want to experience that sense of friendship and platonic intimacy. for someone like rin, it goes deeper than that, where his connection to then will become an obsession. i'm not rlly into psych, but i get the feeling that it might b bc he grew up w pretty much only sae by his side, and all he had was his attachment to sae; it's not explicitly in canon that the itoshi parents weren't rlly around for their childhood, and it cld totally b me extrapolating what i want to see out of their childhood for my own theories so take this w a grain of salt, but generally i think if children lack a proper guardian figure, they learn that the few ppl that do help them then r the only ppl that can help, and mistrust everybody else. that becomes a habit, but it's also scary, knowing that u can care so deeply abt ppl who may not extend that same care to u, and r able to leave u at a moment's notice. it's a strange push and pull that i think is rlly confusing and causes a lot of internal conflict w urself. someone like rin, who i think of as someone rlly disciplined and rigid, prbly wldn't take to jst letting go of this mindset, and it wld prbly take a lot of time and therapy to come to terms w how destructive it is to keep thinking like this. and, as someone who does think that rin is on the spectrum, i do think there is a connection w how neurodivergence tends to make it difficult to see more than one way of thinking. and ppl tend to fixate on one solution and one way of doing things bc it's a known outcome, but even once that strategy starts to produce different results, in rin's case, very self-destructive results, then they still keep going w it at the cost of their own health. for ppl who experience suicidal ideation, then it might lead to a fixation on ending it all, believing that that's the only way out of the shittiness and that it's the only way to stop suffering. rn i think all that's keeping rin going is his obsession w soccer and beating sae (and also isagi), but once he actually gets there, will it b enough to prevent him from breaking down and continue living? and along the way, who's to say that the pressure of it all won't jst make him breakdown preemptively and actually jst give up. i've previously talked abt how like i genuinely prbly wld have kms if i were rin after hearing sae talk abt abandoning their dream and calling him unnecessary, and like honestly, that's smthg that does scare me abt rin. he feels like a character constantly abt to break, and without attempting to resolve his issues, i think there's a high probability of rin doing permanent dmg to himself, whether intentionally or not.

w rin getting so focused on isagi and actually being overwhelmed w emotion at the idea of isagi focusing on other players besides him, interpreting it as tho isagi thinks he is inadequate as a striker, it's both doing wonders for my little rinsagi heart, and also breaking my heart that glazes rin alone bc ik my guy can do better if he were to learn to push past his need for validation from who he considers rivals. ik it's difficult, esp since that's been his basis for his playing for his entire life basically, but like i need rin to learn that there has to b a balance between obsessing an relying entirely on one or two players and writing off everyone else on the team.

i read the comic and jadrvhgkjdtja luka looks so pretty in it all unassuming and dazed

i think the way that i love luka's appearance needs to b studied bc i rlly don't understand what makes him so appealing to me. there's smthg abt the look in his eyes or maybe the shape of his eyes, all droopy and soft, he jst looks so vulnerable and weak and ig submissive wld b a good word to describe it. i think luka jst looks entirely too innocent for how manipulative his character actually is, and that contrast is smthg that i adore. but idk, my favorite luka art is when he's smiling, mouth stretched in a grin, yk like how he did when he saw hyuna in the karma mv. he genuinely looked elated and so childish and kinda out of it ngl and lol this is prbly a red flag of mine, but seeing him like that jst made me want to lock him in a basement, tied down, and jst keep him there. it was so sweet seeing him like that, i wanna caress his face but also i want to ruin it idk.

when i think abt luka im pretty sure that i jst want him to suffer like i actually jst want his chronic illnesses to kill him and for him to suffer before he croaks. this is said in the best way possible but man idk i think im jst fucked up for that. like i sometimes think abt what it must feel like to live like him, someone who knows that it is only segyein technology keeping him alive, that he has to depend on their kindness, or rather their interest in making money and the fame of owning him, to survive. to theorize abt the potential punishments of deliberately taking him off his medications and treatments if he messes up slightly, refusing to let him eat, experimenting w the limits of the human body using him for data and then jst piecing him together after it all. to know that u live at the mercy of ur owner when u shld have ur own freedom, that ur body and ur ability to perform is worth more than ur life and who u actually r as a separate being, i love that suffering in a character.

i've been ruminating on luka as a character a lot recently in light of s2 dropping and i've come to realize that i do not know y i like luka sm. i relate more to ivan tbh, and he is my second favorite character, but i have almost nothing in common w luka. he's jst so interesting in the way that he lacks purpose in life. all he has is his performance as the best pet human, and beyond that, he's jst on borrowed time until his body fails him and they eventually genetically rebuild him, prbly without his memories. he's such a shitty person bc of this, bc it makes him someone w nothing to lose. for someone who has only known pain since the beginning of his existence, there prbly exists no greater physical suffering to b inflicted on him than what he has alr experienced, and yet, the emotional toll of loving someone who he cannot love back is smthg that he can and does experience. it's sickening how attached he is to hyuna when all he can do is reach for her in fleeting moments and find solace in the thought of her. there is nothing he can do to keep her by his side, not when his purpose is to entertain and she has rewritten her destiny to rebel. before her death, she, unlike himself, had smthg that she wanted to live for, that she believed she cld live for, but luka, faced w his mortality since his youth, understands his reality is far more bleak than that. and so he hurts others bc that's what he knows and it's what is comfortable for him, and it's how he has lived; he does not leave his comfort zone bc it does him no good. even if luka were to b rescued by the rebellion, he'd prbly b dead in a couple of weeks due to how severe his chronic illness is and how little i think the rebellion wld b prepared to care for someone so intensely sick. for luka, existence is pain and pain is existence, life is not smthg to b lived, it is smthg to b performed. hyuna's message to live w love is not smthg that luka can do.

i think it's genuinely y i think abt ivanluka sm. i love ivantill and all, but i always return to ivanluka at some point, and i think it's bc there's smthg so perfect abt the way that they think. ivan is dreadfully self deprecating and truly loves without expecting to b loved back. he's willing to b hurt by the person he loves if it means that he holds their attention, even for jst a little bit; he loves without expecting reciprocation. ivan is also very clingy tho, i feel like he'd lovebomb the person he loves, without the intention of manipulating them, it's jst how he loves and how he expresses his devotion for them. his love is so intense and all encompassing that it consumes everything that he does, all he will want is to stay by their side and burrow into their life and never leave. paratise makes that clear.

luka is someone who always wants to control his lover, i feel as tho he's someone who likes to inflict on others bc it's the only time that he's allowed to act outside of the perfection that he's normally required to act as. in his lover he finds himself, but bc that self is so twisted from the lack of socialization, from the reality of mortality forced upon him since childhood, what he ends of giving to his lover is toxic and deadly. he will hurt them, prbly mainpulating them into dependence on him so that he can b the one in control for once. luka, despite his frailty, wld puppeteer his lover, creating a dependence on him that harms them deeply.

and i think that luka's way of loving is smthg that ivan truly wld not mind. in the most unhealthy way possible, they're both getting what they want out of each other: luka has someone who will worship and kneel at his every whim, someone who doesn't bother to feel ashamed in wanting to please him at every turn, and ivan has someone who enjoys the dependence that he desires, the overwhelming attention and constant possessiveness that he smothers them with.

luka wld let ivan burrow beneath his skin, leeching off of his heat to warm his own freezing body; they both parasitize each other.

if luka were to die, ivan wld not hesitate to die w him.

in my mind, if in someone world where luka understood dying to b a painful thing, and understood the weight of his death to the ppl that care for him, he might care enough to try to get them to leave him alone to suffer. he might attempt to push them away so that he doesn't hurt them, and yet ivan wld want that. for the person that he yearns for the most, he wld let them ruin him, jst for the scraps of attention that it earns him, and i find that so beautiful.

it's toxic for sure, and i don't think i condone this behavior irl, but it's such a good dynamic in fiction, two ppl destined to crash and burn together, but existing harmoniously in that ephemerality.

spoilers pls b warned (also everything in quotes is from the genshin wiki, either from the page abt pantalone, dottore, or the truth amongst the pages of purana quest)

dottore is such an interesting character to me, i love a well written morally dubious character and he absolutely checks all the boxes; i think i cld learn to love him as i love tamsy and luka tbh

but no i love dottolone in both a platonic and romantic sense, their interactions during the aq were so jst favuerkdhfgsklakjs

like im prbly gna refer to dottore and pantalone as zandik and feofan jst bc they're shorter and i like the way they sound, but i wanna call attention to the meanings of zandik and feofan first

ironically feofan is generally translated into "appearance of god" or "manifestation of god" and is symbolic of intense devotion to the divine or like divine revelations. obv pantalone dislikes the distance between the divine and humanity, but it almost makes it seem as though he is the "god" that oversees zandik, whose name translates to "heretic" or "unbeliever". zandik is a heretic, his unconventional and morally questionable ideals and methods outcasting him from everyone else; he believes in no one but himself. and yet, he himself describes his and feofan's partnership as perfect, materializing "at a crucial moment," implying that feofan was a bit of a miracle bestowed upon zandik; they need each other (there's even a part during the aq when feofan is officially introduced and he's talking to zandik abt stalling for him and how that's him asking for the moon and blah blah blah anecdote that ends w the line "are you suggesting i worship you as a god?"" is what " from zandik to feofan and feofan does not explicitly deny that, only the second half of the sentence abt zandik confessing his sins). and like isn't that jst so poetic that feofan is the singular person that zandik has trusted and wanted to maintain an ongoing relationship with, going so far as to produce the elixir of immortality for him and having the segments continue their partnership. ofc he's got his own reasons for doing that (funding mostly lol) but on the flip side, feofan is one of the only ppl who hasn't looked at zandik's experiments and immediately dismissed him or condemned him; he's unsettled maybe, but i think his own goals align well w zandik's (another reason y zandik hasn't killed feofan yet), and zandik is someone who has previously helped feofan. in a normal relationship, it'd b like feofan is the only light in zandik's life, a divine taking interest in an otherwise blasphemous soul, and i find that so perfect. but ofc they're not normal and like they actively want to dismantle teyvat's divinity to bring humanity to its lvl or wtv

also i didn't know this before reading feofan's wiki page, but like he was meant to b a test subject for zandik's acute toxicity test or smthg but he was allegedly able to talk his way out of that and convince zandik to treat him for the injuries he was brought in w instead being tested on, being one of only 5 ppl to survive. and then six years later there r other records that zandik treats feofan again, and like gives him experimental immortality drugs until the final immortality elixir is made and this is bc they both need more time for their goals to b achieved or smthg. lord i love the idea of feofan being desperate and yet silver tongued enough in his 20s that the original zandik looks at him and is like, yeah i can use u. i also think it's very interesting to think abt this is regards to zandik's views of familial ties, as columbina says that when she was close w zandik, each viewing the other as a sort of sibling, it was zandik's understanding that family is allowed to use each other for their own gain, exploiting each other, that drove columbina to distance herself from him; i don't think zandik even rlly saw feofan in a familial light the way he might have viewed columbina, but i think it's intriguing to think abt y, other that shared ideals, zandik chose to let feofan survive and prolong his life. maybe he did see feofan as family, in the barest sense of the word, but idk.

anyways can we talk abt zandik replacing feofan's lungs pls...that's so deeply intimate i love it. i've discussed previously that i have a bit of a violent streak and i've thought abt viscera and organs a looooot. one of the first things that pops into my mind is the warmth of someone's insides, the heat of a person's life, and i think this relates back to the theme of fire that zandik and feofan discuss for a bit at the beginning of their goodbye in the aq. fires are "to ward off the cold...antithetical to ideas such as cold, frozen, and unchanging", and used to drive away wild beasts and warm the body and mind, curing the human heart of mortal fear. heat and warmth bring abt change, they prolong someone's humanity rather than solely bringing abt blazing destruction. the continued warmth of a companion, someone to trust, is a bridge that allows zandik to continue on w his endeavors. to sink into someone's warmth, to replace decaying organic material with smthg newly warm and pulsing w life, there's smthg almost caring abt it, kind of in a devotional manner maybe? (not rlly) the idea of someone like zandik, cruel and uncaring, holding his most trusted partner's life in his hands, literally, it's so beautiful and personal and idk somehow atmospheric? that's prbly not the right word but like i feel like it's a defining point of their relationship, where clearly nobody shld trust them, and no one does, except for each other. they bypass conventional means of being close and dive headfirst into territory that no one thinks abt reaching, exploring humanity and divinity together in a way that ultimately leaves them unable to live without the other. zandik's sole purpose in life is his experiments, he lives to learn abt what interests him and observe the processes; feofan is his benefactor and someone who agrees w his goals, allowing him to pursue far more than what anyone else wld have (i.e. the akademiya, which expelled him for researching forbidden topics). feofan, quite literally, can't live without zandik, he's only lived so long bc of the immortality elixir, and this is smthg that i find very interesting.

i'm quite interested in y feofan does not want to die. like he's born into extreme poverty and is bitter abt not receiving any attention from the divine and he's clearly grown up in a very bleak situation, but like i do not totally understand his fear of "dying a wretched end in this world," as zandik puts it. like maybe it's the idea that if he were to die in such pitiable conditions, unable to make smthg of himself and leave a mark on the world for everyone, even the divine, to see, then his life wld not have been worth living? like clearly he's got some issues regarding being seen and being deemed worthy by his "betters," stemming from his hatred of teyvat's gods and his lack of a vision -> presumably it's some line of thinking that goes oh i'm so incredibly ambitious and trying to raise myself out of poverty, trying to obtain a better life for myself, y am i not worthy enough to receive acknowledgement of my efforts from the gods in the form of a vision, which wld also make it way easier to live (i think) which ok, yes that's pretty valid, idk how the vision distribution system works, but like man if someone had jst given this dude a vision we prbly wldn't have pantalone the ninth harbinger. anyways, to die in the same way that he lived his formative years, abandoned and miserable, i think is smthg that he despises and is truly fearful of.

also side tangent, i can't help but think of frankenstein's monster and the motif of being a wretch in that story. frankenstein's monster internalizes himself as a poor, miserable wretch bc frankenstein created him and immediately abandoned him in fear. the monster is profoundly lonely and desperate for connection, but no one wants to form that connection bc his appearance is so ugly and frightening -> his "betters" deem him unworthy of humanity and kindness simply bc of how he was made, unwilling to even give im a second chance, and so before the monster dies, he seeks vengeance, ruining victor frankenstein's life and forcing him to experience what the monster has experienced aka placing frankenstein and frankenstein's monster on the same level as each other rather than creator and abomination. parallels to anyone we know??

anyways back to feofan, there's a pivot towards the end of their conversation where when zandik questions him abt his eventual death after his supply of the immortality elixir runs out, feofan says that he will die as nature guides him to, a very different principle to what both he and zandik have lived according to. i had assumed from their earlier conversation regarding feofan's fear of death that jst going w the flow isn't how he wld die, idk how else he might have responded, but certainly not that he's not particular abt his death.

and then the end of their conversation, feofan talking abt human limits and human nature, and zandik abt pushing past human nature and natural limits, almost as tho feofan is offering zandik advice too late to accept his humanity; zandik talks abt how results r never the most interesting part of an experiment, that the process is equally if not more interesting and vital, and to this, feofan points out that if the process was rlly the most important, if zandik's research was entirely abt pushing boundaries, specifically abt the processes by which humans push past natural boundaries, then there shldn't have been an end. if the process is important, then there are endless possibilities, an infinite amnt of results that cld have been observed, and yet zandik has reached finality, he has reached the end of infinity. in the end, both feofan and zandik will still succumb to their mortal limits, untouched by divinity, their lives coming to a stop after centuries.

zandik has accomplished a portion of his goal, the irminsul tree is burned and the people of teyvat r no longer bound to fates and destinies written by the heavenly principles; in this manner, tho the gods still have far more raw power than humans, humans and the divine r on the same lvl regarding their influence on the trajectory of a person's life. and for this, he burned. it seems far more suited to feofan's goal of bridging the gap between humanity and divinity rather than replicating divinity, and i'd like to delude myself into thinking that zandik did that for feofan, where his plan was to ascend to godhood himself, but as a backup, if that didn't last, then for the burning of irminsul to allow feofan's goals to. accomplished more easily. realistically, i'm pretty sure burning the tree was meant to allow him to rewrite how fate is decided in teyvat and reshape the entire world.

ok so anyway, i jst want to point out that feofan actually opens his eyes when he's talking to zandik, like i don't think that's a super significant detail but it's smthg that i can't stop thinking abt bc like, his closed eyed smile is smthg that i've jst associated w feofan as a sort of mask (like shinobu's in kny), or like bc he doesn't want to see the world when it's run by filth and flooded w inequality that pisses him off or smthg. but him opening his eyes to talk w zandik as tho he's someone that does not hurt his eyes, that feels "safe" to see in this fucked up world, that's jst ugh so ekfhgnjvkhfgf

and their goodbyes like fuck feofan and zandik saying each other's names, acknowledging their true human selves and the permanence of their goodbyes this time. like i think this is one of the only, if not the only, times that zandik actually refers to feofan by name, not regrator or pantalone, but as feofan, and the first time that zandik allows himself to be acknowledged as zandik. there was that bit of dialogue where they discuss zandik's disdain for his segments, and pantalone says that "Zandik is you, and you are Zandik. Zandik created the Segments — yet you, a Segment yourself, reject him." and dottore rebuts that if each segment is equally him then there is no true zandik. in the end, it is the omega build that accepts the title of zandik as he dies, it almost parallels their first meeting before they were ever pantalone and dottore, the ninth and second fatui harbingers. they were still merely ppl w large ambitions and morals unsuited for humanity; they understood each other and shared in that lack of belonging together, and in the end, they r both jst feofan and zandik to each other.

those r some of my thoughts ig, i wanna analyze more of zandik's past and psychoanalyze his character but i'll...do that later, i'm tired

kinda disappointed in myself but i gen haven't bought summer clothes in like years i jst wear my winter pants and hand me down shirts and tanktops from my sister and it's not like they're in bad shape or anything, but idk i kinda want smthg that i chose

also i'm planning on going to the beach at least once and i need a swimsuit so i bought one. i think it's a super cute polka dot three piece (top, bottom, and coverup), but who knows how it'll fit,

anyway i also bought two pairs of pants, a pair of culottes and a pair of jeans...ik ik i have so many pairs of jeans but these r pacsun and they're on sale for like 20 bucks which is a pretty good deal for smthg ill prbly wear the shit out of if they fit. currently i have two pairs of well fitting jeans that i wear pretty much everyday and that's generally how i wear the clothes that i like so i think i do get my money's worth

i refilled my favorite perfume that i'm running low on as well and i also bought the cutest little babydoll top that i hope to wear w the culottes. it's meant to b a dress apparently, but i don't think i will b particularly comfortable w a dress that short so...over pants it is! i alr do that w one of the hand me downs anyway so it's all good.