Peace

The what ifs always plague me. 

What if things don’t work out?

What if they hate me?

What if I haven’t found my purpose in life?

The good thing is I’m more aware of when I’m getting to or have gotten to that point.  Completely consumed by negative thinking and riddled with anxiety, I can take a step back and ground myself in some way.

Going fucking insane because your brain won't keep quiet.

Stop worrying about what others think or what would happen in the future.

The high functioning anxiety that really fucks up your day when you cry about the guy who you've been dating isn't paying you the attention he used to...knowing all that anxiety and worry is all in your mind.

I've been feeling like screws are going loose but really...I see this as actually being in control of my life.

For most of my life I've felt out of control...like a back seat passenger in my own car. Now I'm fully in the driver's seat and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!! AHHHHHHHH!

So I crash a few times 🤷🏿‍♀️...but I keep trying. Putting my foot on the gas little by little. Learning to brake. Learning to steer...looking back in the rearview mirror more than I should because I remembered the crashes.

I've written about him before. My complaints of him not telling me he loved me enough when I traveled to visit him.

He really is amazing and I am...a work in progress...

Which I have to admit everyone is but Damn he's pretty great. He does have some drawbacks and has challenges himself and really does not see how great he is. Some days I do feel he is really defensive because of how his mind works and his life experiences. But with him I don't feel the anger I've felt for years. When I see him as defensive I admit I push back and I really have to work on that.

I started this app that helps build better habits and I came upon a challenge it gives called "Love Yourself Challenge." The first question it asked was "Do you love yourself?" And I honestly was hesitant. With the growth I've had since last year and learning who I am I thought I'd say yes easily, but I was hesitant.

Whose ruler do I measure by?

I question myself...am I enough? Not for me but for others. I know that's where I go wrong.

So this guy comes back into my life after this tumultuous relationship that has left me completely questioning my worth and what I deserve. He gives me compliments, reassurance, honesty, good treatment. He buys me things. Gifts that shows he listens to me and my needs and wants. But there, right in the back of my head I question everything and the biggest question that pops into my mind is...am I good enough?

Other questions like, Does he really like me? Is he truly honest? What if he hurts me? What about other women? We live far apart, what if he starts to feel like this isn't going anywhere? Again, am i good enough?

He has yet to even ask me to be his girlfriend. He has now seen me in person and we've spent days together and the I love yous he would send through messages have yet to show up. The cute names are none existant even though continuously expressed before. What am I doing wrong? Am I enough? Is he realizing this just is not what he wants?

Am I enough? Rings over and over in my mind and I answer...I don't know. I'm not good enough for myself so how can I truly feel like I'm good enough for this man who has been extremely upfront about everything.

I don't truly know myself. I perform and fit the role others need me to fill. I've been people pleasing my whole life. I don't really know what brings joy to my heart. I feel lost with his wants. He may say he doesn't require much but to a person who has always focused on others and put herself behind this is a lot.

Maybe feeling lost is what I need at the moment. This may be the push I need to find me. For the first time ever.

That still leaves a huge problem. If I am not secure in myself, how can I be secure in a relationship?

The past has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it.

An old love reborn has a way of encompassing your whole self.

It's been years since I've seen this old love. Experienced him. Embraced him. Been enthralled by him. Now here I am fiending for the new experience with someone who I have always trusted.

It's sad to say I am ashamed. It's funny how I can judge myself and feel this way when I know I did everything I could to stay in a relationship that did not serve me like I served it.

He wasn't physically abusive...he was verbally and emotionally/mentally abusive. I didn't see my worth...I didn't know what I deserved...even now I have thoughts of going back to this man who I was with for years (over 4) and I feel stupid...ashamed...lost...willing to compromise for him and see if he could change...and again super fucking stupid.

I know I don't want to go back. I know it would not serve me any good. It's like I have to reprogram my brain to know I am amazing and I deserve wayyyyy more.

I'm sharing this because I know it will take time. It's only been a week since I broke up with him and I've stayed in bed wallowing and crying my eyes out...I've had hours of feeling better and going for drives...I've had great supportive moments with friends...I've had moments where I missed the shit out of him...and I've had more and more moments when I remind myself why I left.

It's a rollercoaster but at least I know I've started the healing process...and as my sis told me every day gets easier.

It gets easier. You deserve the world. You deserve better treatment. You deserve respect. You deserve the same love you give to other.

This is for anyone who needs to remember they're amazing and worth soooo much but it also a message for myself.

For years part of what defined me was my relationship and now I am forced to truly define me without hiding behind someone else.

Now I have to find out who I am...heavy stuff.