‘  you know what your problem is? i’m too good looking.  ’ ‘  god, what did you have for breakfast this morning? carnation instant bitch?  ’ ‘  oh, is this what we’re gonna do today, we’re gonna fight?  ’ ‘  because you’re breaking up the band, yoko!  ’ ‘  an apple? where’s my candy, you son of a bitch.  ’ ‘  she told me she loves me and then i told her i loved cake…  ’ ‘  how’d you’d like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?  ’ ‘  look, if i could run across the beach into my own arms, i would.  ’ ‘  you know he never liked phones. he said he could hear voices in ‘em.  ’ ‘  when my time comes, i wanna be buried facedown so that anyone who doesn’t like me can kiss my ass.  ’ ‘  you know what your problem is? you’re really cute… so no one ever told you to shut your pie hole.  ’ ‘  god, we are such the… perfect couple?  ’ ‘  you’re cold? well damn, i can’t control the weather!  ’ ‘  the gym, or as i like to call it, the institute of things i can’t do.  ’ ‘  well, i’d like to help but… not as much as i’d like not to.  ’ ‘  don’t put me in your fantasies. i don’t even like being in your real life.  ’ ‘  i don’t like people. i like rock n’ roll, sex, and pizza – in that order.  ’ ‘  i’m not loving anybody that i’m not legally required to.  ’ ‘  and if somebody doesn’t tell me i’m cute in the next five minutes, i’m gonna scream!  ’ ‘  don’t hate me because i’m beautiful.  ’ ‘  i can’t count on much in this crazy world, but i can always count on you.  ’ ‘  i’m going to go out, meet some boys and crush their hearts one by one.  ’ ‘  where zen ends, ass kicking begins.  ’ ‘  you guys are fighting like cats and whores.  ’ ‘  cake is good, but you cannot have sex with cake.  ’ ‘  well, my head says no, but my heart says no.  ’ ‘  the three true branches of the government are military, corporate, and hollywood.  ’ ‘  hey man, if you don’t get caught, everything’s legal.  ’ ‘  yeah, but god didn’t see that. i was in my van, and he can’t see through lead.  ’ ‘  college is for ugly girls who can’t get modeling contracts.  ’ ‘  college is for women who don’t want to marry the first idiot they meet and squeeze out his bastard moron children.  ’ ‘  i was never happy. i was just less pissed off.  ’ ‘  sometimes when i’m alone, i just love to cuddle.  ’ ‘  i have a definite opinion on this… i don’t care.  ’ ‘  when he’s unhappy, i know our relationship is in good shape.  ’ ‘  all right, sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.  ’ ‘  that’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.  ’ ‘  we have some breaking news: i’m toasted.  ’ ‘  but i don’t want to go outside. there are people out there.  ’ ‘  oh, please. i’m a hot-looking, smooth-talking, frisky-assed son of a bitch.  ’ ‘  no, i’m not pouting. that would upset our routine. god knows i wouldn’t want to move in a new direction and accidentally slip in a puddle of fun or anything.  ’ ‘  i’ve just decided being sad is a waste of my time.  ’ ‘  he called me ugly on the inside and the outside. i’m sorry, but he’s just wrong about the outside part.  ’ ‘  i don’t really cook much. i just plan on getting by on my looks.  ’ ‘  no, no, no, you just don’t move on from me. i’m like alcohol. you need a twelve-step program to break my smell.  ’ ‘  you know, being here under the stars, sitting on the grass makes me really glad i’m not poor.  ’ ‘  the person i love the most is me!  ’ ‘  i was voted most popular, best legs, and now godmother? what can’t i do?  ’ ‘  why am i alone and all of you less attractive people are happy?  ’ ‘  it’s better to have loved and loss than to be butt ugly.  ’ ‘  okay, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: everyone loves me.  ’ ‘  why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed?  ’ ‘  i got a lot of free time. i mainly use it to nap and cry.  ’ ‘  i’ll just curl up in the fetal position and think about pancakes.  ’ ‘  have you been in bed all day?  ’ ‘  last night i only slept like… nine hours.  ’ ‘  i pity you because you’re dumb.  ’ ‘  responsible people don’t go around getting their nipples twisted.  ’ ‘  they want to kill rock n’ roll because they know it makes us horny, man.  ’ ‘  i would love car sex… or just sex… or just a car.  ’ ‘  no, i don’t feel bad. i don’t feel anything.  ’ ‘  man, think about it. we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends… i live for days like this!  ’ ‘  it’s like we’re too old to trick or treat and too young to die.  ’ ‘  talking isn’t gonna help me, okay? what’s gonna help me is, like, drinking.  ’ ‘  hey, yeah, that’s the worst idea i’ve ever heard!  ’ ‘  i wish i was an octopus.  ’ ‘  thanks, but i’ve gotta go to sleep because i have a big day of misery ahead of me.  ’ ‘  life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you.  ’ ‘  well, for your information, i’m already sorry i was ever born.  ’ ‘  i don’t have a hickey. i was using a curling iron.  ’ ‘  give me a reason why i shouldn’t set you on fire.  ’ ‘  i’m a hottie, you’re a nottie.  ’ ‘  prison is not an option for me, okay? i can’t pee in front of other people.  ’ ‘  man, time really flies when you take two naps a day.  ’ ‘  oh, no. now i have to act normal.  ’ ‘  oh, i just remembered i can’t loan it to you on account of i hate you.  ’ ‘  i’ve been diagnosed with a disease that makes me irresistible to women.  ’ ‘  you know what the best thing god ever did was? boobs.  ’ ‘  i’m like ketchup. i go good on everything!  ’ ‘  when we were about to fool around and i said that i washed my hands, but i really just got done playing with like six dogs.  ’ ‘  there’s a rabbit stuck in a tree and i want to return that rabbit to the wild so it can lay its eggs.  ’ ‘  if this is about maturity then i want nothing to do with it.  ’ ‘  a wedding without a trampoline? that’s crazy talk.  ’ ‘  i don’t wanna blink ‘cause i’m afraid to miss even a second of your cuteness.  ’ ‘  you seem normal around your family, but out in the real world, you’re kinda nuts.  ’ ‘  i could get arrested. i could go to girl prison. this freakin’ rocks!  ’ ‘  my parents are fighting all the time and they want me to choose sides, but i can’t because they’re both idiots.  ’ ‘  why would sally sell seashells down by the seashore? i mean, that’s a terrible location for a seashell stand.  ’ ‘  i’m not strong, but i know a lot of ways to destroy men emotionally.  ’ ‘  i don’t have feelings for him. i just hate that bitch for making him happy.  ’ ‘  i’m not jealous, i just want to pop that inflatable bitch and watch her fly around the room.  ’ ‘  hello, it is me, the object of your desire.  ’ ‘  i’m a beautiful girl with a shrill, demanding voice. i’m pretty hard to ignore.  ’ ‘  a gold digger is what these idiots call a woman who knows that love eventually wears off, but money is forever.  ’ ‘  you see, a more productive use of my time is revenge.  ’ ‘  i cannot be held responsible for the things that come out of my mouth.  ’ ‘  i don’t answer stupid questions.  ’

Getting really territorial about it when you see anybody else badmouthing them - like, excuse me, that’s my prerogative you’re treading on there, pal.

Being deliberately rude and obnoxious to each other in really dorky ways and competing to see who breaks character by cracking up laughing first.

[ possessive ]  your muse resting their hand on mine’s leg or the small of their back while they’re sitting beside each other .