Luz

Warnings : Slow Burn, Contains Explicit Language, Mommy Issues, Guilt, Insecurity, Violence, Angst, Mentions of Drugs and Substance Abuse, Stealing, Fluff, Falling in Love, New Friends, Self Sabotaging, Betrayal, Enemies, Takes Place during Mighty Ducks 2 and will follow the movie and some of the original script

Summary : Haunted by the past, you try hard to be a better person and do right towards the ones you’ve done wrong. But when you and your twin brother, Dean Portman, are offered to join The U.S.A. Team, you’re faced with new challenges. With it comes new beginnings, friends, enemies, betrayal, love, reliving the past and learning to trust, you will have to figure out if joining the team will be worth it or will be your downfall.

A/N : Chapters are written down when I’m done writing them and will be linked when I post them. I will put special/specific warnings on chapters containing mentions of drugs and substance abuse, violence, stealing and other warnings when I come to it. I will try to post constantly but it’s not a guarantee. The series will be around fifteen, maybe more chapters. I hope y’all like it :)

Aesthetic

Fanart. .

Chapter One : The Pilot

Chapter Two : The Conflict

Chapter Three : Farewell

Chapter Four : New Kids

Chapter Five : The Ducks vs The New Kids

Chapter Six : Teaming Up

Chapter Seven : On the Verge of Greatness

Chapter Eight : First Day of the Junior Goodwill Games

Chapter Nine : The Bad and The Good

Chapter Ten : Bottle of Emotions

Chapter Eleven : Epiphany

Chapter Twelve : A Glimpse

Chapter Thirteen : Closer

Chapter Fourteen : On Edge

Chapter Fifteen : Creepin'

Chapter Sixteen : At the Dorm

Chapter Seventeen : Slippin’ Part One

Chapter Eighteen : Slippin’ Part Two

Chapter Nineteen : Two Years Ago

Chapter Twenty : Pride ⚠️

Chapter Twenty-One : Missing you ⚠️

Chapter Twenty-Two : Your Biggest Failure ⚠️

Chapter Twenty-Three : The Truth

A cool autumn breeze approaches you as you make your way off campus, touching your nose first and spreading all over your face. Then it makes its way around your neck, tickling you and sending a shiver down your spine. It plays with your hair, twirling and lifting it before throwing it across your face, and leaves to find its next victim.

With a frown, you pull the hair away and tuck some pieces behind your ears. You’re starting to regret not doing your hair in an updo.

The edge of campus gets closer and the familiar frat house comes into view. Halloween decorations cover the whole exterior. Posed skeletons, fake gravestones, and cobwebs litter the yard. Some of the windows have the white curtains drawn with a black silhouette in the middle. Fake spiderwebs cover the top corners of the porch. A jack-o-lantern sits by the door and next to it sits a life size Jason from the horror movie.

A chill goes down your spin and this time, it isn’t because of the wind. You stare at the dummy, eyeing it like it could at any moment attack you. You hated it the moment the boys had set it up and when your brother noticed your reaction, he cackled with glee. Even in the middle of the day, the life size killer still looks scary with its realistic eyes behind the goalie mask.

“You better not jump me.” You warn it, not caring if you look crazy to anyone that is walking by. You keep your eyes on it, watching those realistic eyes for any movement, but your attention is snatched away when the front door swings open and two giants walk out, almost crushing you if you hadn’t moved out of the way in time.

“We’re going! Damn.” Dean Portman rolls his eyes and mumbles something under his breath as he storms past you.

Fulton Reed is right behind but unlike his friend, he notices you. He shakes his head and lets out a small chuckle. “Don’t tell me Charlie dragged you into this mess too.”

“It’s that bad, huh? No wonder he had to call the calvary.” You joke with a smile.

“Or he just wanted someone else to boss around.”

“That too.” You laugh. “So where are you guys headed?”

“Gonna get more drinks for the party.” The shine in your eyes flickers and the corners of your smile quirk downward. Fulton notices and his own smile falters. “You’re coming, right?”

And miss the party of the year? The most talked and awaited party everyone on campus is buzzing about months before it’s around the corner. The one that got so packed last year that not even the cool autumn night coming through every open window and door could chill the steaming body heat. The one the famous hockey team– your brother and friends– host. Right?

Luckily a series of honks interrupt the conversation.

“Come on, Fulton!” Dean yells from the driver's side of his truck, face scrunched up in an annoyed expression. “Before he gets on our asses again!”

“Alright, I’m going!” Fulton gives you an apologetic look before joining his friend and you can hear him berating Dean for being pushy like Charlie. Dean didn’t care though.

“Ey, Lady Conway.” Dean calls out to you. “Run while you still got a chance. Charlie’s gone all godzilla on us.”

You laugh softly, thinking he’s exaggerating since he has a tendency to do so. “I think I can handle my brother, Portman, but thank you for the heads up.”

“Alright. Suit yourself.” He shrugs and changes gears, pressing down on the gas and making the engine rev. A small smoke cloud forms as the tires screech before the truck drives off.

You smile to yourself and against Dean’s warning, enter the frat house.

It’s chaotic inside. There’s yelling, lots of it, overlapping and blending into each other, all frustrated. Some of the boys are reorganizing the furniture and look a second from crashing out, others are running around with decorations in hand, and there’s an argument coming from the other side of the house, likely from the kitchen. But over the whole chaos is your brother’s voice fading in and out as he walks around, barking orders like he was on the ice playing.

You cringe and for a second, you consider taking Dean’s advice but your heart doesn’t let you. Your brother paged you for a reason and while you had joked to Fulton about the reason, you see now it was true. You don’t venture into the chaos though. You stay by the door, afraid to make things worse by jumping in the middle of the mess, but you don’t stay there long because your name is called over the chaos.

At top of the staircase, by the entrance, stands Charlie but your eyes wander towards the person he’s with, standing slightly behind him.

Depending on who you ask, they’ll refer to him either as Rich Boy, Cute Blond #1, or the Best Player on the hockey team because that’s all he’s known for on campus; his skills, his money, and his good looks.

To you, however, he was just Adam Banks.

When your eyes lock, it’s like a switch turned on. His whole face lights up, his eyes twinkle and a warm smile spreads on his lips, one he has to fight back from growing too big.

“Finally.” Your brother huffs, drawing your attention away from his friend. “Took you long enough. Were you taking the snail train?”

You huff, not grumpy like his but amused. “I don’t think that’s how you greet someone here to help.” You meet him halfway. “And I got here as fast as I could, I was at the library and–”

“Okay, Nerd.” Charlie bites down on his lip but as soon as he glances at Adam, he bursts out laughing like he said the funniest thing. Adam just rolls his eyes.

You look at your brother unamused. “Wow, funny. I haven’t heard that one before.” Adam chuckles. Your lips twitch, eyes darting towards him before quickly going back to your brother. “Are you going to tell me what you need me for or did you nine-one-one me just to tease me?”

Charlie grins and wraps his arm around your shoulders, hugging and leading you down the stairs. “I’m just messing with you. You know I love you, Sis.”

Your face scrunches up at the nickname. He knows you hate it. Charlie notices and laughs.

You reach the front door and he lets go to pull out a folded paper from his back pocket and hands it to you. “I need you to do some last minute shopping.”

You look at him puzzled. This was the emergency? The one he had to page the ‘urgent, trouble, need you asap’ number? For a mundane task. “And why couldn’t you have Dean and Fulton do it? They’re already going for drinks.”

“And they didn’t buy enough the first time.” Charlie then pouts when he sees you losing interest in helping. “Come on, please. I’m hauling ass here trying to get everything ready for tomorrow and right now you’re the only person I trust in getting things done. Just do this for me and I promise I won’t bother you for — until Thanksgiving.”

You stare at him, eyes darting all over his face from his pleading eyes to his pouting lips, a genuine and rare look you see. Charlie’s older and up until Mom got married again, he was the man of the house so for most of your life, he would take care of things, of you and her— he still does. Rarely would he go asking for help so seeing him asking– pleading even for something insignificant as this– it pulls on your heartstrings.

You couldn’t say no.

“Okay.” You nod, accepting the paper.

Instantly, that puppy-eye look vanishes. Charlie hugs you. “You’re the best.” He walks away, not too far though before yelling over his shoulder. “Oh and Banskie’s going with you since it was his idea to involve you. Okay, bye.”

“What?”

The radio faintly plays in the car, mixing with the muffled sounds of Minneapolis. The host is talking about the latest celebrity gossip before introducing the next song. The soft melody of what happens to be a love song begins to play, the singer’s soft yet passionate voice enters your ears and goes straight to your heart. You look away from the window then and at Adam.

The wind had returned when you two headed to his car, messing up his blonde hair, ends sticking in all directions despite him brushing them back with his hand. His cheeks and nose are rosy pink for the same reason; a nice contrast to the wool denim jacket he wears that makes his blue eyes more vibrant.

Though, the thing that grabs your attention is the smile that hasn’t left his lips since you left the frat house. It's a close lipped one, no teeth showing, but it reaches his eyes. It’s interesting because Adam wasn’t the ‘smiling for no reason’ type and there seems to be no reason for it; for everyone else perhaps but you aren’t so oblivious.

“Not that I mind but, you’re staring.” Adam says, stealing a quick glance at you, one corner of his smile lifting higher at your wide eyes, before looking back at the road. “Am I that handsome?”

“Your cockiness astounds me.” You joke, laughing softly but it fades seconds later as your expression softens. “You don’t need me to answer that.”

Like you said the most offensive thing, his head snaps back and forth between you and the road, brows pulled together and mouth agape. It’s playful though. The twinkle is still in his eyes and the smile is still on his lips, now showing his pearly whites. “From my girlfriend? I absolutely do.”

There it is. The reason for his smile and now yours. You rarely get to hear him say the g-word and when you do, it never fails to fill your stomach with butterflies or have your cheeks heating up. He makes you feel so giddy like a school girl experiencing her first romance with the boy she’s been head over heels for which was true for the most part.

From the moment you laid eyes on Adam that day in the alleyway, you thought he was cute but his nasty attitude and even nastier friends stopped you from thinking more. But then he joined your brother’s hockey team, lost the nasty attitude, became a nice human being and friend. It’s then you thought more of him and soon, developed feelings.

You kept it a secret though, not Mom or your friends knew, a good thing because you wouldn’t be able to handle the teasing. Mainly because Adam was your brother’s friend– best friend at that– and his friends were off limits. However, even if it wasn’t a reason, there was no chance. You two were from different worlds and it was made more obvious when you went to college.

You focused more on studying and working hard to get the degree in the field you love. You kept a low profile, sticking to your own small bubble, and avoided any trouble, big or small. You rarely went out and when you did, it was because your girl friends– who also happen to be on the hockey team– dragged you out. Not to mention the lack of a love life. There had been boys here and there but nothing further than a first date and a not-so-sorry ‘sorry but I’m not digging you.’

Adam, though, focused more on his hockey career, leaving just enough to get by with his studies. He was popular— everyone on the team was— and with a team like his, it’s hard not to draw attention whether because of the dozens of games won or the trouble they cause, which he acts like he doesn’t like despite the grin on his face. Then his reputation with the ladies that skyrocketed the moment he got to college. A long line of girls waited for him, some wanting a piece of him while others hoped to be the one to capture his heart. And while he’d entertain some of them, they never lasted more than a week or two.

So you didn’t take it to heart when during last year's Halloween party, after everyone left and most of the boys were passed out drunk around the frat house, Adam flirted with you as you helped him to his room. You didn’t entertain it no matter how much your heart wanted to live the fantasy for a moment. Not even when he confessed ‘his feelings’ for you while you tucked him in bed. You just responded with a forced smile and a ‘sure, Adam’, knowing he didn’t mean a word and wouldn’t remember any of it the next morning.

He did though and when you came over with drinks to help the boys with their hangover, Adam pulled you aside to talk. It was awkward and the first time you’ve seen him ‘red cheeks’ flustered. He couldn’t look you in the eye as he confessed all over again, confirming what he said was true. And this time, you let yourself live in the fantasy, only it wasn’t one. It was real.

After a couple of dates, you two made it official. Except no one knew it. The attention you would draw if the whole campus finds out you’re dating the Adam Banks made you queasy but your brother finding out his best friend is dating his little sister is what made you actually sick. So you asked Adam to keep the relationship a secret and he respected your wishes even though you could see it in his eyes he didn’t want to.

Despite that, he didn’t hide the fact he was no longer a single man. He stopped entertaining girls any time they tried to flirt, politely turning them down and mentioning his heart was already taken. It didn’t take the team long after to notice and ask about his girl but the only thing they got was that she’s amazing.

You lean against the head rest, smile turning bashful. “The most handsome boy I’ve ever seen.”

Adam beams, loving the simple compliment, and with the hand not on the steering wheel, he reaches for yours laying on your lap, squeezing it gently. “Only because I’m so head over heels for you.”

Your heart flutters, skipping a beat. The corners of your mouth twitch before the smile grows and your cheeks burn.

Your fingers curl around the front of the cart, lightly steering it rather than pulling, as you lead the way through the grocery aisles. Adam follows, hands softly pushing the cart, while his eyes are on you, half studying, half in trance. He watches every detail. The twitch of your nose and the wrinkles at the ends of your eyes when you read your brother’s handwriting, the line between your pinched brows as you look for an item, the crooked frown as you mumble under your breath, the flow of your hair when you turn to look back at him with those beautiful eyes.

He can’t remember the last time he was able to admire you so freely without fear of anyone catching and questioning him. School, hockey and other things have kept the two of you busy leaving no time to be alone together. He only got a glimpse of you when he was leaving the same building you were entering for your next class which happened almost a month ago.

Adam blame it for the way he couldn’t function that month but it certainly didn’t help. His mind was always fuzzy during practice and he felt more tired after as he laid in bed. He couldn’t sleep well and wasn’t as energetic or happy as usual when with his friends.

It wasn’t like he was a desperate whiny puppy with separation issues. You two were able to do your own thing away from each other but the ‘away’ has never been for this long. Adam just wanted to spend time with his girlfriend like any boyfriend would.

So when Charlie was one second away from exploding because there wasn’t enough time to finish prepping, Adam jumped at the chance. He was casual when he volunteered the both of you to shop and Charlie, too caught up with his stuff, didn’t notice or think much of it. But the moment Adam saw you, his calm facade wavered as he couldn’t contain the bliss.

“Hey, Adam.”

He hums, eyes meeting yours, barely acknowledging the different snacks in your hands which he recognizes were both his favorites.

“Which one should we take? Charlie didn’t put a specific one.” You glance at the bags with a look he often sees when you’re working on the subject you dislike. “Or should we take that one?” You point to another favorite of his.

A chuckle leaves Adam before he can stop it making you turn to him, looking lost. “I’m paying so take them all.”

You furiously shake your head and put one snack back. “No. I’ll just take… this one.”

A chuckle leaves him again, amused by your reaction like always. You didn’t care about his money, didn’t see it as part of him like others did. Sometimes you forget he has that much money until he gets you things or makes comments like this. You always try declining or waving him off like now and every time, Adam manages to convince you.

“Get them and some of yours too.” He says softly but leaves no room for argument. And when you try to ignore him, moving to set the random snack in the cart, he moves it.

You pout, shoulders slumping, as you look at him. “Adam.”

He says your name, soft yet stern, staring right back, not backing down. After a few seconds, he smiles victorious when you sigh and grab your and his favorite snacks.

“I’m paying you back, okay.” You state firmly like always.

“I take kisses as payment. I'll take one now.” Adam smiles innocently.

You try keeping a serious face but lose as a smile forms on your lips, growing when Adam patiently waits with his cheek facing you. “You’re cute.”

“I thought I was handsome?”

You laugh and Adam swears it’s like candy, sweet, colorful and addicting. And it’s better when he’s the reason behind it; for the big toothy grin that causes your eyes to squint from so much joy, the blush on your cheeks, and that sound he could never get tired of. He first got a taste of it back when you two were becoming friends and he’s been chasing it ever since.

But when you turn back around, continuing shopping, Adam’s smile falters. He might have been joking but deep down he wasn’t. Truth be told, he didn’t volunteer for this domestic task just to see you. For it being the first time you’re finally alone together, he was expecting more affection– more touching. So far, all he got is an accidental hand touching when you two went to grab a cart.

He’s not asking for much but for you, he is.

It had nothing to do with him or the secret relationship. You were never one for physical affection, not to your friends and rarely to your brother and mother– which surprised Adam the first time he found out because Charlie was the opposite. It didn’t change when the relationship started. Any time there was physical affections it was Adam who initiated it, not that he minds and neither do you; you welcome it with open arms and rarely reject it.

But he knows it makes you nervous. He knows you try to enjoy it but there’s always that thought in the back of your mind stopping you.

He looks at you. Your side profile in view as you focus on the different Halloween costumes and decorations that were surprisingly still in stock, less trying to find whatever Charlie had written down and more interested in browsing. You’re relaxed and a lot calmer than he’s seen you this past month. But more importantly, you look so beautiful.

Adam takes a step, feet moving in your direction, but pauses.

Any other day he wouldn’t hesitate showing physical affection but doing it behind doors is different from doing it in public. You two have been careful not to show any signs when in close proximity, no words that could be taken the wrong way or lingering looks or touches that the team can see — he failed a few times himself but luckily it’s been when no one was looking.

But here Adam is, wanting to break the rules because his body aches for yours.

A laugh catches his attention, a tone like yours. It’s a couple on the other side of the aisle, years older than him and clearly together for more with how comfortable they are with each other. They were unapologetically themselves, not afraid to be loud with their presence or dim their light when people glance their way. They didn’t hide the fact they were happy or in love, sharing a sweet, affectionate kiss that had both their eyes closing, savoring it like it’s the first time, before parting and continuing their shopping.

It’s enough to push Adam’s second thoughts away. With a small breath, he looks back at you but instead of seeing you, a killer clown launches at him making a low guttural sound. He jumps and instinctively puts his hands up, whether to protect or defend himself, he doesn’t know, but not before a short startled noise, one that sounds close to a little girl’s scream, leaves him.

Muffled giggles sound underneath the mask and he recognizes them as yours before you take the mask off, revealing the teasing and amused look. “What’s wrong? Looks like you saw a ghost. Or should I say clown.” You laugh harder.

Adam stares at you wide eyed, heart racing fast and arms still up, though soon a smile breaks on his lips and a chuckle slips pass. “Okay, laugh it up.” He shakes his head, watching you too busy laughing to notice the mischief slowly joining, pulling one end of his mouth higher. “You won’t be laughing when I get you back. Or should I say when Jason gets you back.”

The way your laughter stops and your expression drops in a millisecond is like something out of a cartoon. It’s too funny not to laugh. Adam bursts out laughing, failing to hide it behind his hand when you look at him seriously which makes him laugh harder.

“Funny.” You force a chuckle. “But please don’t. That thing already gives me the creeps and I don’t need it to give me nightmares too.”

“You started it.”

You open your mouth but fall short to defend yourself and quickly shut it. Adam got you, you both know it. With a huff of defeat, you walk away and put the mask back on the shelf. Your shoulders are slumped, hand lazily touching another mask, but what really sells the defeat is the pout on your lips.

His laughter dies but his smile lingers. Adam doesn’t hesitate this time. He approaches you and wraps his arms around your waist, laying his chin on your shoulder, and chuckles softly when you jump at the contact with a small gasp. Your hands hover over his forearms, barely weighing down on them, unsure.

“If it means I get to protect you– hold you until you doze off then maybe I will.” You glance at him, eyes still panicked. “But you’re already paranoid enough so… I guess I’ll have to get you back another way or not at all.”

“Very considerate of you” You mutter, fighting the smile wanting to break on your lips.

Adam chuckles. “You’re welcome, M’lady.”

You smile then, his words causing a small laugh to pass through your lips, and your hands finally lay on his forearms, relaxed.

Adam takes it as a sign. So he stays holding you close as you two pretend to look at the costumes and it would’ve stayed like that if the image of the couple didn’t pop in his head, their affection. The need was already in him and the thought only makes it grow so before he can second guess himself, Adam makes a second move.

He presses a kiss to the skin between your neck and shoulder blade where your clothes don’t cover. It’s soft and sweet like the many times he’s done before but it becomes more as everything about you consumes his senses. The scent of your perfume mixed with the smell of books, your body pressing against his front, the small gasp that leaves you at his kiss, and the way you tilt your head to the side, giving him more room.

You’re driving him crazy but oh, how much he missed this.

His body moves on its own the next second and Adam barely registers his face burying further into your neck, nose rubbing against the skin, and breathing in your scent like he had been suffocating and is gasping for air. It isn’t until he feels the small jerk your body makes when a shiver runs down your spine and goosebumps form under his touch that he realizes what he’s doing and the fact sends his ego or pride straight to the roof.

“Adam.” you whisper with a small tremble.

He hums against your neck, this time causing a shaky exhale to leave you followed by a small gulp. Adam doesn’t stop the grin slowly spreading across his lips.

“We’re in public.” You try prying his hands away but the action only makes his hold grow firmer.

“And?” Adam mumbles before laying his chin on your shoulder, looking at you through hooded eyes. “No one’s going to see us.”

He made sure of it. There’s a reason why he chose the store furthest from campus, one he knew none of the team or classmates would go. Because despite the amount of second thinking he went through, Adam knew he wasn’t going to hold back from giving his girlfriend affection.

You hesitate to answer but the look in your eyes answers for you. You’re craving the affection just like he is, dying to finally feel him, and you don’t want to let this opportunity go to waste. But Adam also sees that thought flickering across your eyes and the way it subtly makes your expression drop.

He hates it.

“No but… people don’t like pda.” You simply say, like it’s obvious and not an excuse.

You pry his hands away again and this time, Adam lets you but his hold doesn’t go away. Instead, it moves to your hands, keeping you close when you turn to face him.

He looks at you, not admiring or studying you but seeing you. You’re not his girlfriend or the girl he’s been crushing for longer than he would admit. Right now, you’re the girl who has too much of a big, soft heart for her own good.

“You should stop caring what others think.” Adam advises softly, giving your hands a reassuring squeeze. “It’ll make life better— make you happier. Trust me.”

“I know.” You respond just as soft, smiling but it doesn’t reach your eyes like it usually would.

It’s not a secret. You’re the most caring and selfless person Adam knows — more than Charlie who probably is where you got it from. You go above and beyond for your friends and family, it doesn't matter if it’s something small or if you’re busy. It’s one of the things Adam likes about you, admires even, but there’s times where you care for the wrong things, things that shouldn’t matter to you, and it’s then he dislikes it.

The topic ends there so Adam changes subject. “So, you got your costume ready for tomorrow?”

Your smile falters. You don’t like this subject either. You simply nod, letting go of his hands and going back to look at the costumes.

He knows you do. Adam took it upon himself to buy the costume for you since you’ve been too busy studying to even think about it.

“Do you like it?”

You pause. “It’s pretty.”

“You don’t like it.” Adam says, recognizing the tone you have when you don’t want to offend someone.

“What? No.” You shake your head, looking back at him. “I said it was pretty because it is. The color, the ruffles, the skirt–”

“But it’s not you, right. It’s not really something you’d choose.” He states, a small smile on his lips. Teasing almost.

Your brows furrow. “Then why did you get it?”

Adam pretends to think, glancing at the ground before looking at you, his smile sort of bashful. “Because it reminded me of you. Soft, warm, beautiful. I- I don’t know. That probably doesn’t make sense.” He chuckles awkwardly. “I just thought it was perfect for you… and you'll look good in it.”

He can see the fluster grow on your face as he speaks, cheeks flushing and eyes rounding, like he hasn’t complimented you before. It’s adorable.

You snap out of your state but the effect lingers, the smile spreading on your lips couldn’t hide it even as you shook your head. “Is this your way of convincing me?” You tease.

Adam grins. “Depends. Is it working?”

“Maybe.” You laugh and as it fades, there’s a look in your eye like you’re silently thinking. “But,” you say, expression turning serious, “if my boyfriend thinks I should then who am I to argue.”

His grin shifts at your words. “No. I didn’t mean – not like that. I’m not forcing you. If you don’t like it, you can choose something else. You still have options.” Adam points to the stocked shelves. “You won’t be hurting my feelings. It was an option, not the final decision.”

His words hit something in you, something that has your expression softening and a bashful yet endearing smile appearing on your lips. You look at him like he hung the stars, like he was the best thing in the world. It was enough to have Adam’s cheeks warming up.

You step closer to him, fingers uncurling towards him and Adam is quick to meet them halfway. “I want to.” You confirm. “I just needed… a little push. Some reassurance. Plus, it’s Halloween. The only time I can dress like that without anyone batting an eye.”

Adam smiles, half because of your words and half because of your touch. “It would’ve been a shame to let the costume go to waste.”

You giggle with a shake of your head. “For you or for me?”

“Both.” He chuckles. “But for you mainly. You would’ve missed how beautiful you’ll look in it.”

“Charmer.” You tease.

“I’m only telling the truth.”

The world around becomes a blur as Adam focuses on you. Your hand gently squeezing his, your eyes interested in only him, and the pretty smile on your lips his focus lingers on. It’s crazy how something so simple, something you’re not even aware of, can do things to him. His heart is beating like crazy, body buzzing which he swears you can feel.

Heat rises all over his face and through his fuzzy mind there’s one thing that’s clear. He really wants to kiss you. So with the hand in yours, he gently pulls you closer until you’re flush against him, and with the other, cups your cheek. You don’t object and it’s enough for him to lean in, lowering his head enough…

You snap back, pulling your hand away like he burned you, and step away. It’s a snap shot to Adam’s heart and he can’t hide the hurt. But he understands when he hears two familiar voices behind him.

“Banskie?” Connie Moreau says, unsure if it’s her friend.

Adam shuts his eyes, pushing back the annoyance, before putting on a smile and turning to her and Julie Gaffney. “Hey, girls. What are you doing here?”

“Last minute shopping.” Julie answers then her eyes dart behind Adam and back, eyebrow slightly raising. “And you two?”

Connie leans to the side, glancing behind Adam, now noticing you hiding behind her friend’s tall frame. She says your name and when you turn around, it’s like you’re also now realizing they’re there.

“Hey.” The smile on your lips is big, too big, as you stand in front of the girls, “funny running into you girls.”

“We’re doing some last minute shopping too – for Charlie.” Adam answers Julie’s question.

“He was going all crazy getting everything ready for the party, he had to call the calvary.” You add, laughing softly at your joke.

The girls nod but knowing them for most of his life, Adam recognizes the look on their faces. They don’t believe it, not all of it, and when they glance at him, he can see the suspicion in their eyes.

“So it’s just you two?” Julie asks, eyeing both of you but mainly Adam. “Alone?”

Adam frowns, not offended but annoyed.

Julie and Connie never had a problem with his many ‘girlfriends’— though they would make sly comments about it but never make a big deal out of it— but when he announced he had settled, they weren’t patting his back, congratulating him like the guys. Instead, they warned him not to mess with the girl and if he did, if they saw him messing with another girl, they didn’t need to say what they would do.

“Everyone else was too busy at the house, she was free and I have the money.”

Julie hums.

“Yeah,” Connie joins in, a soft frown on her lips. “Guy was telling me how crazy it is. We barely seen each other these past couple of days because Charlie is working them like dogs. Good thing we’re not part of that mess.” She says the last part to you and Julie.

“Well, I sort of am.” You say.

“But not as bad as Guy.”

“No.” You smile sheepishly. “But hey, once Halloween goes, the boys will catch a break. You’ll finally have your boyfriend back.”

Connie nods. “Speaking of Halloween, do you have your costume ready?”

You hesitate for a second before nodding. “I do.”

“What are you going to be?”

“You’ll have to wait for tomorrow.”

This quips Connie’s interest and she smirks like she knows the truth lying underneath your words. “Okay.” She teases.

“And you?” Julie asks Adam, not really curious but wanting to hear.

“Vampire.”

She laughs. “Very basic.”

It’s not an insult and unlike Connie, Adam knows the truth underneath her words. He might be rich and popular but he’s just like every normal kid in college.

“Yeah. But you can’t go wrong with the originals.”

Julie shakes her head then smirks. “Well careful, Original. I heard a vampire slayer is going to the party. Don’t want you to get a stake to the heart.”

“Is that a threat?”

“You’re not messing around?”

Adam’s expression hardens. “I’m not.”

“Then you have nothing to worry about.” Her smirk turns into a smile, less threatening but the warning is still there.

They stare at each other, tensions rising. Adam couldn’t look away, not without losing. But from the corner of his eye, he can see you looking at Connie confused which she responds with an awkward smile, waving it off as if saying ‘they’re just being them’.

“And you. You’re not messing around either?” She asks you, tone and smile teasing, trying to ease the tension. It’s a joke but it catches both you and Adam off guard.

You grow flustered, tumbling over your words. “What? No, no. I’m too busy with school to even think about that. Plus, I gave up on boys a long time ago.”

“So you’re going for the other team?” Julie grins, making your cheeks warm.

Adam scoffs with a small smirk, eyes slightly narrowing at her. “Are you trying to get her?”

“Is it a problem if I am?”

Your laugh draws their attention, expression more flustered than before. “I’m flattered but my heart is not ready for anything… serious.”

The rest of the conversation is lost to Adam. His ears are static, his eyes are out of focus, and his brain is short circuiting. He doesn’t know when the girls bid goodbye or if he returned it. He doesn’t know when you two finish shopping and end up in the car, driving back to the frat house.

It was a joke. He thinks. A cover. You didn’t really mean what you told Julie. Did you?

“Adam.”

He comes to and glances at you, quick enough to see your confused expression, before a series of annoyed honks sound from behind him, making him focus back on driving. But he can still feel your eyes on him, the sight of the small pout and the furrow brows clear from his peripheral.

It’s making him nervous, his heart is racing and his grip on the steering wheel tightens. You’re going to ask, of course you are, but he wishes you won’t. He wishes he didn’t feel like an insecure boyfriend or whatever it is you see him as, overthinking about a stupid comment that probably meant nothing.

Adam winces.

This must be karma for the many girls he stringed along. He’s finally in their shoes, feeling what he must have made them felt. But they knew he wasn’t going to settle, they knew his heart was never even within their reach. He made it clear.

“Are you okay?” Your voice is soft, laced with worry.

You genuinely don’t know and Adam doesn’t know if it makes things better or worse. He can lie and make you more worried or he can say the truth and look pathetic. He ends up choosing the third option; silence.

Your expression falls, panic mixing with the worry. You look away and stare at your lap, the soft sounds of your hands rubbing against your thighs sounding loud in the quiet car. If his mind wasn’t so clouded, Adam would’ve quickly comforted you, apologizing for ever making you feel this way.

“Did I do something?” The worry is higher now.

His silence answers for him.

Adam can hear the gears turning in your head as you’re trying to figure out what you could have possibly done to deserve the silent treatment. It was childish of him, deep down he knows it but it’s blocked by the nasty feeling growing when your comment echoes in his mind. He couldn’t have possibly…

“I said something, to the girls. Didn’t I?”

Adam tenses but with how fast you had figured it out — and against his will — the corners of his lips quirk upward. “You’re smart.”

Your expression softens. “Adam, you know I didn’t mean it.”

He frowns, almost scowls at that. “But it came out very easy.”

“Because if I hesitated they would’ve been suspicious. They already were.”

“And?”

“And?” You look at him like he grew a second head. “What do you mean ‘and’? Did you forget that this— us is a secret. They can’t find out because then Charlie finds out and if he—”

There’s honking and the faint sound of something cussing Adam out as he suddenly makes a sharp turn making the tires screech. It’s bumpy and dizzying how fast the car moves into an empty lot before coming to a stop, the motion having you and Adam going forward and almost hitting the dashboard.

“So what?” Adam huffs annoyed, finally looking at you since the store. “What if he finds out? Why would it matter? He’s not your dad. He’s not the one in the relationship. He has no fucking say in this.”

“It matters because he is my brother and your best friend so whether you like it or not, he’s involved in this.” You cry out exasperated. “How do you think he’s going to react when he finds out? Do you think he’s going to be over the moon that his best friend is messing with his sister?”

His heart sinks at your choice of word and it’s the final nail on the coffin he wished wasn’t real. “That’s what you think is happening? You think I’m messing with you.”

Your eyes widen like you just realized what you said. “What? No. No, I didn’t mean— I don’t think that, Adam.”

“You just said it.”

“I meant — Charlie is going to think that because of… He thinks you’re just going to use me and break my heart like you’ve done to half the girls on campus. That I’m just a pawn in your game.”

Adam can’t believe what he’s hearing. This is your excuse? He shakes his head, scowling harshly, as he turns in his seat and puts the car in gear. “You sure this is about Charlie and not you?”

The argument hasn’t left your head since yesterday, since Adam took all the bags inside the frat house without a word or glance at you and you got to hint and left. The way his expression dropped and his voice sounded so small, so broken. You only seen it once before, when he was told he couldn’t play hockey for a while which was basically like telling him not to breath or eat.

You broke his heart, something Charlie thought he would do to you. What you thought he would do to you because Adam was right about what he said. It wasn’t really about Charlie, at least not all of it.

There was always this doubt in you, even before you two got together and that stayed after. A doubt that you two would stay together for long; with you two being so different fueling it. It didn’t matter if Adam showed how much he adored you, showering you with kisses, cuddles, compliments and every other affection he could think of, or being there for you after an exhausting night of studying, waking up in his arms and him teasing you about your snoring which you deny every time. There was always the lingering thought that one day he will realize you aren’t what he’s looking for and leave you.

Like your father did.

You were still too little to understand, to feel the pain Charlie had when Mom broke the news after your father didn’t come home for days. You never saw him again but his absence left a hole in you, one that’s still there even after all these years. It was then where your abandonment issues started, where you started to care what people thought and tried to please them in hopes they wouldn’t leave you. Your friends, Coach Bombay, Charlie, Mom, your step-dad, and now Adam.

And now, because of it, you’re going to lose the boy you love.

You arrive at the frat house later than Charlie had said, two hours later. Your head kept holding you back, the nerves making you second guess the plan you formed this morning, but your heart finally won over. So with the costume Adam bought on you and the fake blood on your neck covered by your curled hair, you left your dorm before your head can get you back.

Groups of people hang out on the front lawn and porch with drinks in their hands and already causing a mess, matching their costumes. The music filters though the doors and windows, sounding clear but not loud enough reach the ends of the street, as well as the different colored lights and the shadows of people walking by.

All of that grows the second you walk through the door just like the body heat that smacks you, burning slightly against the coolness of your exposed skin the night air touched. It’s crowded and you have to make yourself smaller to not accidentally bump into someone. You walk around, checking the boys’ work— which for how chaotic is was yesterday, it all came out good— and also looking for a specific boy.

You’re finishing checking one of the rooms, one with a soft yellow glow and calm air where people laid back and talked, when you hear your name being called. You turn around, hoping to find who you’re looking for, but instead see Connie in a She-Ra costume and Julie in a Buffy the Vampire Slayer one.

“Oh, hey girls.” You don’t try to hide your disappointment and whether they noticed or not, both girls are too busy gawking at you to comment on it.

“Now I understand why it was a secret. You look… I’m speechless.” Connie raves as she circles you. “This isn’t a costume. This is something out of a movie.”

You smile bashfully. You thought the same when you first unpacked the costume, eyes bulging at the sight of dress; the flowy laced skirt, sheer long sleeves, and a built-in corset with a square neckline covered in ruffles. It hugs your body just right, showing of your figure and some of the stockings you wear underneath.

“Thank you. And you two look amazing.”

“Not as amazing as you.” Julie comments. “You have everyone looking– basically falling for you.”

It’s then you notice the eyes on you, the attention that’s been on you since you arrived. But none of them belong to the one you want so you ignore them.

“Have you seen my brother?” You ask.

“I think I saw him DJ-ing with Fulton and Dean.” Connie answers.

You nod and go to walk away but Julie stops you.

“You’re not going to see him?” You look at her confused so she rephrases. “You look amazing to us because we’re friends but if Charlie sees you, he’s going to go nuts.”

She’s right.

“Too bad.” You simply say, walking away and missing the way the girls’ mouth drop, surprised.

On the other side of the house, in the biggest room, is exactly where Connie said Charlie would be. He and Dean are hyping Fulton up before he drops the beat and makes the whole dance floor go crazy. It makes you smile and it grows when you finally find the familiar mop of blonde hair in the crowd but it falters when you see the pretty girl next to him.

She’s tall and fit, arms and legs define and shining under the lights like she put on body glitter. The short red dress fits like a glove, her makeup and hair is styled just perfect for her, and the red horns makes her look cute instead of ‘evil’. You can tell she carries herself well. How she doesn’t let anyone make her feel small not even the famous Adam Banks. How she’s not afraid to put herself out there. How she’s confident and determine to get what she wants and by the looks of her flirty expression and soft touch on Adam’s arm, it’s him.

The thought pops in your head and the fear of losing the him becomes real but when your eyes drift to Adam, it diminishes. He’s not interested, his body is turned away from her and eyes not even looking at her— they’re wandering all over the room before landing on you.

Adam’s expression softens, the stiffness he had in his shoulders relaxes, and his attention is only on you. You smile at him. The corners of his lips quirk up but then his eyes dart towards Charlie then back to you, sadness creeps in them, the argument you had yesterday popping in his head. He turns to the girl, finally paying attention to her, entertaining her a bit.

It sends a pang to your heart but also an ugly jealousy.

You had to fix this before it gets broken beyond repair.

You head towards the DJ booth in the corner where Charlie is now poorly singing into the microphone with Dean. The crowd made it difficult but you finally manage to get on the small stage. Fulton is the first to see you and a smile spreads on his lips as he brings you into a side hug.

“You made it!” He yells and you barely hear it over the music and vibrations going through your body since now you’re right next to the speakers. He gives you a once-over and softly smirks. “Nice costume! You look… great!”

You laugh and motion to his old western costume, emphasizing on the bandana wrapped around his neck. “You too, Bandit!”

Fulton chuckles with a shake of his head and makes room for you to get to your brother. Dean sees you next since his body is facing you and grins so wide when he sees your costume. He all but pushes Charlie, almost sending him flying off the booth, and marches to you.

“I always knew there was a babe hiding in you, Lady Conway!” Your cheeks burn at the complement and he hugs you just like Fulton, wearing the same bandit costume too. “You’re lucky Charlie’s here or I would’ve stolen you away!”

You giggle and shake your head. “Who cares if he’s here! Your only problem is that I’m already taken!”

“Really? Congrats!” Dean hugs you again. “Lucky guy but if he breaks your heart or hurts you, tell me so we can jump his ass!” He says serious.

“I will!”

He grins one last time at you before leaving to get a drink. You finally reach your brother, hand on his shoulder, and with the song fading, you can talk to him without needing to scream. But before you can get a word out, Charlie’s eyes bulge out when he notices your outfit.

“What the hell are you wearing?”

You cringe at the smell of alcohol on his breath. “It’s call a costume, dumb dumb.”

“Nuh uh. Looks more like—”

“Okay, whatever. I need to talk to you about something important.” You pull on his arm but Charlie doesn’t move.

“Later. I’m helping Fulton right now.”

“With what?” You give him a ludicrous look.

Instead of answering, Charlie changes subject. “How ‘bout you look for the girls or something else to wear.” Another song begins to play and Charlie brings the microphone up to his mouth.

You pull his arm down though, bringing the microphone along. “No! It’s important, Charlie!”

“Oh my–” He groans impatiently, making you wonder if he’s actually the oldest. “It’s Halloween! We’re at a party! You’re suppose to have fun, not be a party pooper, Nerd!”

You roll your eyes making Charlie huff.

“Did you just roll your eyes at me?”

“Yes! So what?”

He looks at you like you just offended him. “Yeah, you need to change ‘cause that costume got to your head!”

“No, I just stopped being a people’s pleaser!”

“Well do it to someone else! Not me!” Charlie tries to go back to singing but you stop him again and this time, you try taking the microphone away. “Are you serious?”

“We! Need! To! Talk!” You grumble as you two fight for the microphone like a game of tug-a-war.

“And! I! Said! Later!” Charlie groans, looking at you dumfounded. By now, he would’ve won. “What’s so damn important that it can’t wait?”

“It’s private!”

“Just tell me!”

“No!”

“Tell me!”

“Charlie!”

“Sis!”

“I’m in love with your best friend!”

Your voice echos through the room and most likely the rest of the frat house. Everything stops, metaphorically and literally; the music, the dancing, the conversations, your heart. All eyes turn to you and Charlie, confused, interested, entertained. You drop the microphone, the thud sounding through the speakers, and stare at your brother, wearing the same stunned look.

“You’re… what?”

People are whispering now and the girl next to Adam doesn’t look as interested any more. Julie, Connie and the rest of the Ducks appear by the opening of the room, all trying to get a good view of Charlie’s out burst waiting to happen. Fulton tries to distract everyone by playing another song but it doesn’t work. You and Charlie are the new entertainment.

So much for it being private.

You open your mouth but nothing comes out. The nerves are coming over you hard and for a second, you regret doing this. But then your eyes wander to the crowd, to Adam. He’s focused on you, a hopeful look on his face and a smile threatening to break on his lips. It’s the push you need.

You look at Charlie, now confident and determine. “I. Said. I’m in love with your best friend… I’m in love with Adam Banks.”

Charlie’s eyes widen even more, mouth gaping open like a fish out of water. He looks at Adam who has a not-so-guilty look. “You—”

“Okay,” Fulton interrupts, grabbing Charlie by the back of his costume like you would grab a cat by the scruff. He motions to Dean to grab Adam and follow him. You’re right on their tail as Fulton leads the way upstairs, leaving Luis Mendoza and Russ Tyler in charge of DJ-ing.

You end up in the room farthest from the party, where the sounds of it resuming can’t reach. Charlie sits on the bed, head in his hands, while you and Adam stand on the other side of the room, a good distance between you two, and Fulton and Dean between you three, having stayed as backup.

“You serious?” Fulton speaks up after a minute of silence, glaring at you and Charlie. “You were ready to talk out there but now, ya got nothing to say?”

“What’s to say?” Charlie scoffs, looking up and glaring at Adam. “My best friend is messing with my little sister.”

“I’m not messing with her!” Adam quickly corrects and for a second you can see the flicker in his eyes as he thinks back to what you had said yesterday. He pauses, takes a breath, and continues much calmer. “I’m not messing with her. I’m not using her to pass time or anything. Charlie… I don’t know how to describe it but she makes me feel things I never felt before, not with anyone else. I’m head over heels for her. I’m — I’m in love.”

Your heart skips a beat. It’s the first time Adam says the L word and while it wasn’t really the best time or way to say it, one look at him confirms he means it.

Charlie blinks, stunned frozen of what his best friend just said. “What about your girlfriend?” Adam avoids his gaze and his eyes dart towards you. Charlie looks at you, an awkward smile on your lips, and grumbles. “No, no, no. She’s…” He struggles to say, holding back a gag.

“Surprise?”

Dean chuckles and while Fulton keeps it together, the smile on his lips says everything. This is very entertaining.

Charlie sighs into his hands. “I think I need a drink.”

“Really?” You tilt your head at him. “That’s all you have to say?”

He looks at you, defeated and wanting to have this whole conversation over with. “I have a lot to say, lot of not-so nice things, but doesn’t matter right? You already made up your mind. You’re… dating.” His expression changes, no longer angry or shocked as he looks at you and Adam, it’s softer yet firm. “So this is really happening? My best friend and my little sister… in… in love.”

“Alright, you’re pushing it Charlie.” Fulton says, referring to his gagging.

You smile at Adam, both of you relaxed and relief, and reach for his hand as you finally close the gap between you two. “Yes but don’t worry. We’ll keep the pda a minimum.”

“Well…” Adam hums.

“Minimum, Banskie.” Charlie grumbles, not appreciating his joke. He ignores your laughter and stands, looking at his best friend with a serious look. “Okay, I’m… not really okay with this but I will allow it. You better take care of her and treat her like the princess she is. And you better not break her heart or else—”

You cut him off. “I already promised Portman I’ll tell him so he and whoever wants to can jump him.”

“Wait, what?” Adam looks at you wide eyed.

“Hell yeah!” Dean laughs. “I call first dibs.”

“Nuh uh. I’m her brother so I get the first hit.” Charlie says.

Fulton shrugs. “I’m basically her second brother so I get second hit.”

They end up leaving you and Adam, discussing further their jumping strategy and most likely recruiting the others. You laugh softly, shaking your head at their stupid antics, and turn to Adam who looks like he saw a ghost. Or a clown.

“They’re kidding right? They’re not really going to jump me.”

“Don’t break my heart and you’ll never find out.”

He smiles then and fully turns to you. “I’m not planning to. You’re stuck with me now.”

You giggle and without hesitation, wrap your arms around his shoulders, bringing him closer causing his smile to beam.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” You say seriously. “Even if I didn’t mean it, it was stupid of me to say something like that. Especially when my heart does want something serious. With you.”

“You’re forgiven. And I’m sorry too. For the way I acted— reasonable or not, it was childish of me.” You both agree on that. “Besides, is it really a relationship if you don’t have an argument?”

“Debatable.” You joke. “But I am glad we had it or else we would’ve still been a secret.”

“I agree ‘cause I can finally do this,” Adam leans in, finally capturing your lips and giving you the kiss he’s been craving. It’s soft and slow, becoming desperate and deep when he holds you flush against him. You’re both gasping when you part, a breathless smile on both your faces. “Without having to worry.”

You join the party a minute later, hand intertwine with Adam’s, and your cheeks heat up when you see half the team waiting for you with teasing looks.

“So this is why you gave up on boys? ‘Cause you found ‘the one’.” Julie comments with a small laugh.

“Sorry to disappoint.” Adam whispers a small ‘wow’ making you laugh.

Jesse Hall swings his arm around Adam, smirking at his friend. “And this is the ‘amazing girl’?”

“Yeah, she is.” He says while looking at you.

“Congra—-“

You turn around and let out a scream when you see Jason standing so close, his realistic eyes staring at you. You jump into Adam’s arms, like a monkey climbing a tree, pushing your body against his or trying to run away, you don’t know. It startles everyone, even Jason.

“Wow, I didn’t know I was that scary.”

“Dave Lester Averman!”

For the first time, the locker room is dull before a game.

There’s no voices overlapping from the different conversations. No hollers of excitement or buzzing of enthusiasm for the team’s second game of the tournament. All that’s heard is the sound of their movements as they get ready.

It’s been three hours since the fight between the Portman Twins and the tension from it is still as strong as it was. Even after Miss MacKay dismissed class early, lying that it was to give the team extra time to rest and prepare for the game, none of them could. They couldn’t pretend they didn’t find out the person they called a friend and teammate was all a lie.

But despite it, the team was divided. One side listens to their head and believes the evidence present while the other side listens to their heart and struggles to believe that every moment was all a lie.

But Dean said it himself, ‘it was all a mask’, so why would the team disagree with him? No one knows The Mask better than her own twin brother.

Or does he?

This whole time, Dean thought he held the deck of cards but he found out he never did. He was just a player, always a player, while his sister was the one who held the cards. She gave him the ones she wanted him to see and made him stupidly believe there was a chance to win her rigged game. But the jokes on her because she slipped and now he knows.

Sadly, it was too late. The past repeats itself and Dean’s a little kid all over again, watching helplessly as his sister slowly destroys herself. At least now he told her everything on his mind instead of waiting until she’s already gone.

Dean pauses at the thought. His eyes drift towards the restroom mirror, seeing his reflection for the first time since he came in. A faint redness covers his cheeks and the perimeter of his dull eyes. It matches the color on his sore knuckles.

He might had told his sister off but the emotions were still bubbling inside him so when he reached his dorm room, he stopped holding back. Dean let them out until they no longer consumed him. But they were slowly creeping back again and this time, he has to hold them back.

His expression falters then, almost softens, when he sees it. It’s funny how many wouldn’t think he was a twin. He barely looks anything like his sister but at the moment, he did. He looks just like her.

Dean’s gaze lowers and his eyes dart to his chest. He reaches inside his jersey and pulls out a necklace he’d been secretly wearing. His fingers glaze over the silver chain, lowering until it touches the plate in the middle. He watches the way the engraved phoenix glimmers under the lights and shines brighter when his eyes turn glossy.

“Cool bird, huh?” Dean nods at Dad’s words as he keeps his focus on the jewelry set. Dad chuckles. “It’s a Phoenix. It lives for a hundred of years before burning into ashes and is born again from it. It represents rebirth. A fresh start after destruction… Fitting isn’t it?”

Dean was so blinded by the rebirth part, he forgot about the imminent destruction that follows.

Adam stares at his hockey stick as he tapes the top like he always does before games. A little ritual he developed and has become muscle memory at this point. He could tape it with his eyes close with no mistakes. So when his eyes wander, his hand continues without fail.

However, he does make a mistake but not with his taping. His eyes wandered towards the other side of the locker room just as Dean is walking out the restroom and their eyes instantly lock.

They haven’t spoken since Adam put himself between the Portman twins but he can tell Dean’s attitude towards him changed. Though, Adam’s still trying to figure out if it was a good thing or not. He did defend the other Portman but knew about Todd’s presence. Then when Dean told him those things about her, he still defended her.

How could he not? For one, he wasn’t going to stand by and watch while Dean yelled at her especially when he didn’t know everything. And two, Dean was wrong. His sister wasn’t who he said she was because, even though Adam might not have known her for long, from the little moments he shared with her he learned a lot; he saw glimpses of a part of her– the true her– she hides behind walls built long ago.

Plus, his protectiveness also might have to do with his crush on her.

“Alright team.” Coach Bombay walks in, breaking the eye contact between the boys. His gleeful attitude sticks out like a sore thumb in the room. “Who’s ready for the game?”

Not me, Adam thinks to himself but it’s not like he has a choice. The scouts are out there watching and so is his dad. He can’t fail them now so he has to be in his A game and play. It didn’t matter if all he could think about was her and how worried he was.

Coach Bombay receives half-hearted mumbles and some stay quiet like Adam. He looks at each one confused but as he reaches the last half of the team, his confusion morphs into annoyance.

“Where’s JJ?” He asks, sounding more agitated than concerned.

It goes deadly silent and if it weren’t for the fact he stood in the middle of the locker room, Coach Bombay would’ve thought someone pressed the pause button. It was like he said a forbidden word and to an extent, it was true. Since the fight, no one has dared mutter the nickname, not even when they were in the dorms discussing what happened.

Adam didn’t need to look around to know the team have nervous looks. He knows he does.

They were all dreading this— having to tell Coach Bombay about what happened but where do they start or do they just rip the bandage off? And what about his reaction? Adam can already imagine him going all crazy and calling Mr.Tibbles and everyone involved with team USA's recruitment and questioning them why they would let a junkie— no, a troubled girl join. He’ll have her kicked off and the thought has Adam’s heart dropping.

“She’s gone.” A deep, hoarse voice responds. The team glances around confused then realization hits when their eyes land on Dean’s back.

“‘Gone’? What do you mean gone?” Coach Bombay blurts out, eyes almost bulging out of their eye sockets. “We have a game in less than ten minutes and I can’t have a player missing.” He pauses, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Anyone have a clue where she could've gone?”

Dean scoffs, spins on his seat and glares at him. “You ain’t getting it, Coach. She’s gone. She ain’t coming back.”

“No, Portman. You’re the one not getting it. What do you think they’re going to think?” He motions towards the full arena. “What will Hendrix think if we have a player missing with no explanation?”

“Just say she’s injured.” Fulton says like it’s obvious.

“Or she got homesick and quit.” Goldberg adds.

Coach Bombay huffs angrily like he heard the same thing before. “I can’t because there's no record of her injury or of her ever going to the infirmary. And don’t you think her parents are going to want to know why they weren’t notified first or why their daughter isn’t home?”

They hadn’t thought about that.

Coach Bombay sighs and rubs his forehead to ease the growing headache.

Adam, though, is focused on what Dean said. Yes, she’s gone but whenever she disappears, whether for an hour or two– three now– she always comes back. He knows it’s naive of him to think so. This time is different. This time was bad. He remembers the look on her face when she gave Dean her bracelet and left. It was the look of a final goodbye.

Adam lowers his gaze and lets out a defeated sigh. Maybe this is the one thing Dean might be right about.

“Maybe,” Julie speaks up, “say her grades aren’t good and that she’s making up for it with Miss MacKay.”

“That’s… actually not a bad idea. Good thinking, Gaffney.” Coach Bombay walks out and the team can faintly hear him informing a staff member about the absence. He walks back in, more at ease now.

But that ease doesn’t last long.

“And when she’s not here tomorrow either,” Jesse comments, “you gonna tell them the same thing?”

“She will be.” Coach Bombay responds, barely giving him a glance.

Jesse scoffs. “You heard Dean. She ain’t coming back and instead of covering for her ass, we should make it official. We don’t need her. She’s not our best player or even our best enforcer so we ain’t losing nothing. She’ll just drag us down with her.”

The hidden meaning behind his words doesn’t go unnoticed by the team and it makes them anxious. It gets worse when Coach Bombay, in return of Jesse’s glare, gives him a warning look.

Of course Jesse was going to be the one to rip the bandage off; if anyone was going to tell Coach Bombay the truth or how things are, it was going to be him. Jesse was the one who stood up to him when he first arrived on the frozen lake claiming to be their new coach and when he berated them for not listening to his lousy coaching. But as much as they liked that about Jesse, they weren’t ready for it this time.

“It doesn’t matter if she’s the best or not, Jesse.” Coach Bombay bites back. “She’s part of this team. She’s one of us, so enough of that kind of talk.”

A scowl forms on Jess’s lips. “She might’ve been part of this team but she wasn’t ‘one of us’. She was never our friend. She was pretending so we wouldn’t suspect her and find out the truth.”

Some of the team exchange uneasy looks, unsure whether to step in or not, while others watch or listen with their backs towards the two, too anxious to even look.

“Maybe she did it for a good reason.” Coach Bombay says.

This sets Jesse off. “Are you serious? ‘Good reason’! What ‘good reason’, Coach? What the hell did she tell you to make you believe that bullshit? She’s just lying to cover her ass. She’s playing you and you’re falling for it. Why? You know the truth! You know she’s a damn junkie so why are you defending her?”

There it is. The other forbidden word. No one dared voice it as well but they all thought it even Adam despite trying not to. The team winces at the sound and brace themselves for Coach Bombay’s outburst.

It never comes.

One by one, they look at him expecting a shocked expression, wide eyes, something that shows the same emotions they felt when they first found out. Instead though, they find him avoiding their gaze.

Gasps and whispers fill the room.

Adam now understands the warning look. This whole time, Coach Bombay already knew about JJ and kept her on the team. He couldn’t believe it. All that overthinking and fear of what’s to come was for nothing. He was worrying for nothing. It’s good news but he couldn’t fully be happy. He’s confused more than ever and so is the team.

“He knew?”

“Since when?”

“He is the coach. He had to know when they recruited her.”

“That means Mr.Tibbles and Hendrix knew too.”

“How could they not tell us?”

“How could Coach Bombay not tell us?”

“That’s enough!” They all flinch, even stubborn Jesse and the tough Bash Brothers, and quiet down. “Whatever you know or think you know, I don’t want to hear it. This is hockey not The Gossip Show! We came here to play, not gossip!”

Coach Bombay sighs and checks the flashy watch on his wrist before looking at the team again, the stern look still there but not as hard as before. “I understand your feelings about JJ’s situation, it also caught me by surprise, but… Now we have a game in five minutes and I can’t have none of you distraction so I need all of you to focus and put your feelings aside or at least on a tight leash. We can deal with it after we win this game. Okay?”

“…Okay.”

************

A loud shriek travels through the air of the Music Store, followed by a fast and just as loud melody that shakes the windows and the instruments that hang. Pedestrians peek through the windows, eyeing you and whispering to each other and by the looks, nothing really good. It’s been like that since you started playing.

You don’t see or feel their stares though. All your focus is on getting the lid back on the bottle that should’ve never been open but no matter how much or how loud you play, it’s difficult to even push the cap down against the overflowing emotions. It’s a losing battle and soon, you stop fighting.

The melody abruptly ends and with a low growl, you put the electric guitar up and storm out, ignoring the praise from the worker that's cut short once the door shuts behind you. But even with the lack of instruments, your fingers continue their movements against your thighs and you hum its tune.

“…We worked too hard to get here just for a… junkie to ruin it. I bet that’s why your mom hates your guts.”

Your jaw clenched.

“You’re gonna do me like you did your old boyfriend, Queen.”

Your fingers dig into your thighs.

“You promised you were gonna stay clean!”

A stinging forms behind your eyes and nose.

“…For defending Mom when she was right about you… She was always Queen. JJ was just a mask— she wasn’t real.”

“Shut up!”

All eyes turn to you from the people walking by to the ones shopping by the windows, even the one’s driving by. Their eyes dart from your shoes to your head, mouths pursing in disgust, and whisper to each other like they did back in the Music Store.

And just like then, you ignore them.

With a deep scowl and fists clenched, you walk away and stumble into a nearby alley, stopping once the buildings’ shadows consumes you. You lean against the wall, shut your eyes and run your hands over your hair, tugging the ends.

Jesse and Dean’s words echo in your mind, repeating like a scratched record that gets louder and louder every replay. You begin to hear Mom’s voice too then Todd’s. All the bad things. All the true things. They cut deep, so close to the heart and cover you in blood.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut…

A desperate noise escapes your mouth, a mixture of a cry and yell that echoes in the empty alley. With it leaves the little remaining strength you had left. Your bottom lips trembles and a broken sob manages to pass through. Slowly, you slide down the wall and land on the cold hard ground with a thud.

You knew this was coming. You knew once they found out they were all going to hate you but you didn’t expect it to hurt this much. Dean’s reaction was already enough but the team’s and Miss MacKay’s.

‘You’re a better person now… If the team loves you as much as I do, they will see it.’ Dad had said days back.

“So fucking much for that.” A tear slips past your eyelids but you wipe it before it can go farther.

For a while, you don’t move from the ground. Not when your butt is freezing or your legs fall asleep. You stay until the tears dry and the sobs die in your throat. You’re drained by the time you finally leave the alley, like you had woken up from a nasty sleep.

Yet the emotions are still present. They’re still spilling from the bottle. You want them to stop. You didn’t want to feel this heartache and if playing didn’t help then…

Memories flash in your mind, showing you at home, parties and the hangout doing the same thing; taking drugs. They were all different and you consumed them in different ways but the results were always the same. They made you forget. They made you numb.

Your index finger jerks. It’s been itching for the forbidden fruit since the moment it got drained out of you, desiring it whenever you grew anxious or felt anything but at ease. You fought the urges every time but now, you’re too tired to.

Finding some won’t be hard. You could go to Todd who would gladly give it to you for free or the first corner outside these rich parts for cheap; it’ll be a gamble but at least you’ll get some.

Will you, though? Will you really go back to being the thing you swore you would never be again? Months of progress, of fighting to stay clean, destroyed for a moment of relief. A moment that would lead to a lifetime of consequences that might not be able to be fixed like hurting the people you love.

“… Look at those faces, ladies and gentleman. Team USA didn’t come here to play.” You pause and glance towards the window display. The televisions show close ups of the team walking onto the ice. Based on their solemn expression the announcer was right but their eyes tell something else. It wasn’t the game that had them looking like that.

You look away. You already hurt the people you love so what does it matter? Nothing you do will change the fact they hate you and don’t want anything to do with you. So you can’t hurt them any further.

Except for two people but is that enough?

“And if you noticed a player missing. Well the other Portman Twin had to make up for her grades. Even when playing for the ‘Stanley Cup’, education is still top priority, kids.” The announcer laughs.

Miss MacKay walks into the classroom and let’s put a squeal of surprised and almost drops her cup of coffee but she is quick to composed herself and shuts the door behind her. “JJ?”

“I’m surprised you didn’t get me banned.” You state, standing by your desk and looking out the window. “After everything, I was sure you were gonna snitch to the Junior Goodwill associates.”

“And why would I do that?” Her voice laced with genuine confusion, slightly offended too. “Aren’t you supposed to be playing right now?”

The sound that comes out of you should’ve been a chuckle not a scoff but making mistakes is your forte. “I don’t think they’re gonna want someone like me playing.” You steal a glance to your right, towards the spot you and Dean had been earlier.

‘A low life like you don’t care about anyone but yourself…You’re the worst daughter and even worse sister!’

You shut your eyes and hum a familiar tune. The pain lessens but not nearly enough so with a small sigh, you compose yourself before turning to face Miss MacKay but you don’t look her in the eye. “I just came to get Mr.Tibbles’ number then I’m outta your hair.”

She wants to say something, a lot actually. You can hear it in the silence and feel it in her gaze. You think she will. She always does.

However, your thinking is proven wrong once again.

Your heart sinks when Miss MacKay walks to her desk without fret and rummages through her purse. You watch, chewing the inside of your cheek— wanting to feel the physical pain instead of the other kind— and avert your gaze a minute later when she looks at you and hands you a sticky note.

“He might not answer right away though because—”

“The game. I know.” You say taking the paper and mindlessly stare at the numbers. You get a deja vu feeling. “It’ll give me time to finish packing.”

Miss MacKay’s brows furrow at your words. She knew what you were thinking since you answered her question but she had hoped it wasn’t true. Your mouth opens again, ready to say something else, but you decide against it. Her eyes fills with pity but she doesn’t voice it. She learned the only way for you to truly open up is when you’re ready.

She begins to regret it though when you walk away without another word. She waits and waits but you don’t stop. You're going to leave this place on a bad note and in a bad headspace and knowing where it can lead, she can’t let it happen.

But before Miss MacKay could open her mouth, you stop before the door. You take a deep breath then turn and finally look at her, a bittersweet smile on your lips.

“Thank you for trying and giving me some hope. For a moment, I really thought I would achieve greatness… But I told you. I ain’t never overcoming this obstacle. No matter what, ain’t nothing changing.”

You grab the handle and as you twist it, Miss MacKay steps forward and blurts out, “They still care about you, JJ.”

You pause. “They hate me, you mean.”

“If they did, they wouldn’t have lied about your absence or been deeply hurt by this situation. You didn’t see the look on their faces when you left. I couldn’t continue class because they were too distracted– too emotional.”

“Well good thing I ain’t coming back to make your teaching harder.”

She frowns. “That’s not what I meant, JJ., and you know that.”

“Look,” your patience is wearing thin and the last thing you want is to do or say something you’ll regret, “I ain’t gonna do this with you, Miss MacKay. Think whatever you want. A lie. The truth. I don’t care.”

“So you chose the lie.” She says, her tone lacking her usual softness. It catches you off guard. “I’m sorry JJ but I will not dance around this anymore. You can pretend all you want but we both know you care more than anyone. You have a soft heart but you hide it behind this hard exterior to protect yourself so it won’t hurt as much when you face the obstacle again.”

Your finger twitches. “Stop.”

“And it wasn’t the only thing you hid. You hid as well and for so long, you lost yourself. You’re a kid, JJ. You’re supposed to have fun with your friends and cause trouble but you don’t let yourself feel or open up or get close to anyone because you’re afraid. Afraid if you get close, you will disappoint them just like you did with your mother.”

“Shut up!” You storm towards her, your face scrunching up and burning with anger. “I told you to knock off this wannabe therapist stuff and stick to the stuff you know!”

“I know you, JJ.” She rebuttals.

“You don’t know shit!”

“Then why don’t you inform me.”

It’s the straw the breaks the camel’s back.

“You’re right, alright! I am afraid! But not in disappointing them. Of hurting them! It’s one of the reasons why I never wanted to come or wanted to get close ‘cause I knew eventually I would. And I was right. Look what happened! I hurt my friends! My brother!… I hurt my brother again!”

Miss Mackay flinches when in a blink of an eye, the table screeches before hitting the floor with a loud thud like it had hours earlier. You stand over it, breathing heavy and with tense shoulders, glaring at it. She looks at you wide eyed, scared but worried.

“JJ-“

“You wanna know my obstacle, Miss MacKay?” You glower at her with glossy, red eyes. “You wanna know why I’m the worse daughter and even worse sister? I’ll give you a hint. It’s not ‘cause I’m a low life. Not ‘cause I beat people ‘til they black and red or took drugs like they were food or air itself. Not ‘cause I drank, stole, and did things you couldn’t imagine! And it’s certainly not ‘cause I turn my back on my family for a guy I stupidly fell for! It’s ‘cause I ALMOST KILLED DEAN!”

As soon as the words leave you, your eyes widen.

The fact, although the reason for so much pain, was an unspoken thing. No one acknowledged it. Not your parents. Not Dean. Not even you despite carrying the weight everywhere you went. Until now. You said it and for some reason, the gravity of it hits you like never before.

The same emotions from when you found Dean on the ground came rushing back stronger than before. Like a stake to the heart, a painful pang hits your heart and has you clenching the fabric over your chest. Tears flood your eyes in seconds and spill like waterfalls down your cheeks. Your lips part as you try breathing through your teeth but on the second breath, sobs comes out.

“I almost killed my brother.” You cry. “I was supposed to protect him. I was supposed to look out for him but I didn’t ‘cause I cared more about Will!”

Miss MacKay’s watches sorrowful. Her heart aches for you. She knew there was a battle within you but she wasn’t expecting just how devastating it was. You carried so much weight no kid your age should. She reaches out, wanting to give a comforting touch, but you step away.

“You still think they’ll care about me once they know all this?” You say through sobs but your voice doesn’t lose it’s intensity. “You still think they won’t hate me? I did that to my own brother, I’ll do it to them too. I… I already am.”

Her brows furrow. “What do you mean by that? JJ.” She repeats when you don’t answer and makes you look at her when you look away.

“It means the team would’ve been better off if I never came— better yet, if I wasn’t here. Everyone would’ve been off if I overdosed not Dean! It would’ve been better if I was ten feet under!”

“No.” In a blink of an eye, Miss MacKay firmly grasps your shoulders and glares at you with a firm look, and when you try looking away, she follows so you can’t. “Don’t you ever say that. Do you hear me? I don’t ever want to hear you say that. You deserve to be here as much as anyone else. There’s a reason why you’re here and I believe it’s for a good reason… I’m glad you are here because who else would I accompany when things get too loud or talk to? Coach Bombay? Mr.Tibbles?” She jokes with a small smile.

For a second, the corners of your mouth twitch upward. She sees it and her smile beams. It dims slightly though when she goes serious once again.

“I understand why you think those things about yourself but, JJ, you were just a kid.“

“A kid who should’ve known better.” You whisper, not wanting to go louder in fear of a sob coming out. “I should’ve left the moment Will offered me a joint. I should’ve ignored him the first time we met then none of this would’ve happened.”

“How would you have known it would end like this?”

You don’t respond. Not because she’s right but because you didn’t know how else to blame yourself.

Miss MacKay gently cups your cheeks, her usual warm and comforting self that you grown fond off back. “You made mistakes — everyone has— but they don’t define you. What defines you is how you respond to them… If you were truly the horrible person you think you are, you wouldn’t be fighting it from happening again. You wouldn’t be protecting your brother and friends. You wouldn’t have this big, beautiful heart full of love and care that shouldn’t be hidden or seen as a weakness… You wouldn’t be trying to make things right if you were a horrible person.

“So listen to me when I say this. You, JJ Portman, are a good person and continue to be so don’t let anyone, not even yourself, convince you other wise. Okay?”

You stare at her, doe and teary eyed. The corners of your mouth pull downward and tremble. The lump, the sobs you fight back, in the back of your dry throat makes it hard to even make a sound but you didn’t need to.

People say the weight will be lifted from your shoulders when you let everything you’ve been holding in finally out. You’d feel lighter. You’d feel better. You’d feel free.

What a lie.

Anxiety and fear pumps through your veins. You feel like a caged animal put on display for anyone to watch and judge. You couldn’t hide from their gazes, the weight too crushing for you to even move. You couldn't do anything.

Your finger twitches and for the first time, you don’t hide it. You keep your gaze on it, not daring to glance at Coach Bombay for fear of what you may see.

“I was sent to rehab and counseling after… all that ‘cause I was more of a danger to myself and I was clearly a good kid that made some stupid mistakes.”

You roll your eyes at the word choice now but when the judge had said it, you didn’t react; no ounce of relief or joy. You were numb, at least you wished you were. Dean was still in the hospital by then so the guilt was still consuming you.

“No juvie. No record. Just seven torturous months in that place.”

Flashes of your time at rehab fill your head. The first weeks spent draining everything out of your system much to your body’s dismay. Then the trembles and sweats that followed after. The screams as your body couldn’t handle the sudden change, the absence of drugs and alcohol helping it function. The urges— the need— so strong, you had to be restrained.

When you managed to function like a normal person, you started attending therapy sessions. You didn’t cooperate at first but eventually you talked. Some days it would help while other days it would make things worse to the point you didn’t want to get out of the room you stayed in.

However, the most torturous thing was cutting all connection to the outside world. No calls. No letters. No communications. You didn’t know if Dean made it and the thought had you spiraling in the middle of the day and night. But even if they did let you comunícate, you doubt anyone would give you the news. By then the rest of the family and every person in Chicago knew what you did.

So it was a surprise when you were released and saw Dad waiting with a smile on his face. His hug full of relief and love for his only daughter finally coming home but when he pulled away, there was a sadness in his eyes that he tried hide.

The next surprising thing was when you arrived home and Dean tackled you into a bear hug. You didn’t realize it was him but even if you did, you would’ve still been stiff. He was taller, stronger, and his baby features now mature; a far cry from the little boy you remembered. But when he stood back with a joyful grin and his eyes shining with a sparkle you thought you had destroyed, something heavy washes over you, something you don’t know was good or bad.

After everything that had happened, the brother you thought you lost was there, alive and happy to see you. You broke down and hugged him so tight like you’d lose him again if you didn’t. Dean didn’t hesitate to reciprocate and when the hug broke minutes later, he gave you the bracelet; a reward and reminder.

You stare at the silver plate, seeing the way the office lights reflects on it. “I got clean. I got better. Not for myself but for my family. For Dean.” At the mention of your brother, you’re reminded of the fight. The words that were exchanged. You slide the silver plate to the other side of your wrist. “All that for nothing.” You mutter.

Years of hard work destroyed in two days, all because you were weak. You couldn’t stop yourself from slipping. You couldn’t save your relationship with Dean. You let Todd get in your head so easily, letting him play you like a puppet on strings.

You lost control. You promised you wouldn’t but you should’ve known better.

Coach Bombay takes a deep breath and runs a hand over his perplexed expression. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t gotta say anything, Coach Bombay,” you mumble, afraid that if you speak normally your voice will break. “I know it’s a lot to take in and probably changes how you see me. Even though I ain’t that type of person no more, I understand if you don’t want none to do with me. And I won’t blame you if you don’t want me on the team no more– I think it’s best if I ain’t.”

You might be better but you were a ticking time bomb and since bumping into Todd the timer started going by quicker. You already had enough false alarms, one that were scary enough. You don’t want to think what the real thing’s going to be like, the destruction it’s going to cause. The team doesn’t deserve to be caught in the crossfire of something they had no idea about.

You glance at the clock hanging on the wall behind Coach Bombay. By now, class had already started so the dorms were empty. There would be no one to run into or question why you were packing your bags.

You stand and wipe your nostrils with a sniffle. “Tell the team I got injured and had to go home. Tell the same to Mr.Tibbles and Miss MacKay. Just… don’t tell them the truth. Please.”

If they knew, it'd ruin their focus. Instead of playing and practicing right, they’ll only think of how one of their friends was a fraud the whole time, a liar and a junkie. They won’t perform well and you can’t bear the thought of them losing because of you.

But there’s also a selfish reason why you don’t want them to know. They were the best things that happened to you– one of the few good things in your life– and you want it to stay that way. You want to hold onto the fantasy a little longer before reality can touch it.

Coach Bombay doesn’t answer. Your expression doesn’t falter but your hand curls into a fist. Of course he wouldn’t agree to your request. You wouldn’t do what a delinquent tells you to do.

You don’t say anything else and walk towards the door. This is it. This is where your time on the team ends and it feels like you’re leaving home but this feels much worse. It has your heart aching. In the little time you were on the team, their impact on you was huge. You saw, felt and experienced things you thought you never would. You were a part of something big. Something good. They weren’t just your friends or your team. They were more. Much more.

And you had to leave it.

Coach Bombay whispers something. You think you’re imagining things but then he says your nickname making you stop.

“You’re not leaving the team.”

You look at him wide eye, not knowing whether to be happy or not. “What?”

“I thought it through and,” he takes a deep breath and runs a hand over his conflicted expression, “it’s best that you stay on the team. If you leave now, it’ll only raise questions not only from the team but from Hendrix and reporters. They’re going to want to know why one of our players left when the tournament just started.”

It might be best for the team but you can’t be happy knowing you could mess things up for them. “Tell them I got injured.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not that simple.”

“Yes it is. Coach, I can’t stay. I’m already losing control and with Todd in the picture, it’s only gonna get worse. You know what he’s capable of. He won’t stop until I pay for what I did to him and—” His name gets stuck in your throat, choking you and scratching the walls when you swallow it down. “He’s gonna hurt me every way he knows and one of them includes the team. I can’t... I won’t let him and I’m scared what that can mean.”

Coach Bombay sighs softly and lays a comforting hand on your shoulder. “I understand why you’re scared but think of the team—”

“What the hell do you think I’m doing?” You push his hand away and step back, glaring at him with a deep scowl. “With all due respect Coach but you ain’t understanding nothing! I’m telling you the team’s gonna get hurt but you don’t seem to care! You just care what Hendrix and reporters think.”

As the words leave you, you remember what Miss MacKay had told you. The things Hendrix has provided to him– the beach house, the sponsors, the celebrities, the money– plus his new high class look. It all makes sense now.

A humorless chuckle leaves you as disgust covers your features. “You do just care about those sons of a bitches. So what? All that talk about caring and looking after each other was a bunch of bullshit?”

“Hey,” Coach Bombay’s face hardens and he points a stern finger at you, “you watch your language and tone with me. I am still your coach. And this has nothing to do with Hendrix or the reporters. I’m doing what’s best for the team.”

“Right and all those meetings you have at your beach house with Mr.Tibbles are ‘best for the team’ too? I thought we were past lying, Coach. Admit it. You’re doing what’s best for yourself, not the team.”

It goes silent, the air filled with a suffocating tension. He can only glare at you in response, your words most likely hitting something deep inside him. “You’re. Staying.” He finally mutters. “And that’s final.”

“Are you serious?” You can’t believe what you’re hearing. “So that’s it? As long as you’re still getting all the good stuff, you’re willing to let the team get hurt. Not only by Todd. If things go wrong— if word gets out— they could get disqualified. Their futures could be destroyed before they even started. You really gonna risk that?”

“Are you?” Coach Bombay is quick to retort and continues when you’re confused by his question. “Let’s go over the facts, shall we. You joined the team and didn’t disclose to anyone about your very troubled past. Now, someone— a delinquent you were very close with— shows up threatening to expose you for what you did to him and his friend. Not only that, he also threatened the team. And what do you decide to do? You decide to run off. Is that right?”

“No. That’s not—“

“And by running off, you pave the way for him to expose you to the media which can hurt the team verbally. Not to mention, easy access to physically hurt them because with you gone, who’s going to stop him? Me? Miss MacKay? Mr.Tibbles? You didn’t tell us anything so how would we know? And none of this would be happening if you hadn’t join so with all that evidence, it’s clear to say you’re the one feeding them to the big bad wolf. Not me.”

He takes an intimidating step and towers over you, casting a dark shadow. “So are you, JJ Portman, really going to risk failing the team just like you did with your twin brother? And this time, your mom won’t be the only one to hate you. The team and the whole country will.”

A salty metallic taste fills your tongue, seeping through the skin of your inner cheek your teeth broke. You try to keep the emotions at bay; act like his words didn’t hurt or cut deep. But you can’t hide the tears flooding your eyes making your fierce glare look pathetic.

“If you don’t want that to happen, I suggest you don’t lose control.” He smiles so cold and taunting and it raises the hairs on your body. It drops as he walks back to his desk but the emotions still linger. “And as for the whole junkie past, I’ll talk with the one who told me but it stays between us. Understood?” It wasn’t a question.

This isn’t Coach Bombay. This is Lawyer Gordon Bombay: the egotistic, arrogant, selfish man. You hate him.

Humming fills the empty bathroom, gradually getting louder and louder as the emotions continue spill from the bottle. The grip on the sink gets tighter, your fingertips turning lighter due to the pressure. And your eyelids squeeze shut to stop the tears but it’s useless.

You trusted him. You stupidly believed he would’ve understood and helped. Things were supposed to be different. He was supposed to be like Dad. Instead, you were slapped with the cruel reality. Not only was he like Mom, he proved what you always thought: it doesn’t matter how much you changed or do good, you will always be a failure.

Then there’s the other turmoil. Who told Lawyer Bombay? You don’t think any of the team seen or heard a thing but your thinking has been proven to be useless. You know Adam and Connie seen you with Todd, they could’ve told the rest of the team and any one of them could have told.

But if Dean knew, he would’ve confronted you. Like he did yesterday.

“Fuck.”

It would make sense. He’s the only one who knows the history behind it. Your disappearing act, lack of details and the reason behind them, it meant trouble back then so you doing it again plus the phone call from Mom gave him every right to be suspicious and angry.

You sigh and turn on the cold water, gathering it in your cupped hands and drowning yourself in it for a couple of seconds before coming up and gasping for air. It was enough to lessen the redness in your eyes and the heat on your cheeks but at the same time, it stripped the color from your face, leaving it pale and almost lifeless.

Daylight shines through the windows of the building, a natural spotlight on you that shows all the lingering emotions you tried to hide. People walk by and you can feel their eyes on you, digging holes into your skin, and hear their whispers. You don’t bother figuring out if it was real or due to your guilty conscience and just keep your head low.

You stop in front of the familiar polished door and stare at it. your finger twitches by your side as Lawyer Bombay’s words echo in your head. You can still skip class. No one has seen you yet.

Suddenly, the door opens and the natural sunlight shining through the classroom windows blinds you. You squint and blink and cover your eyes until the figure by the door clears up. It’s Ken.

“You’re not going to turn to ash, are you?” He laughs.

A small noise leaves you, close to a snort, as a small yet genuine smile forms. “Not before I bite you.”

He shakes his head with a smile and as he walks past you, you ruffle his hair. You then look at the open door and your smile drops. After a deep breath, you walk in and Miss MacKay is the first to notice you, saying your nickname loud and causing a few of the team to look your way.

You ignore them and focus on her, forcing a smile as you stop by her desk. “Sorry ‘m late. Bombay wanted to talk with me.”

She returns the smile and it almost as bright and warm as the daylight. It eases you just a bit. “Yes. Dwayne informed me but I wasn’t expecting him to keep you for so long. You missed half of class already.” Even frustrated, she’s still soft-hearted. “I understand Hockey is important but so is your education. I’ll need to have a chat with Gordon–”

“No.” You are quick to blurt out catching Miss MacKay off guard. You nervously wipe your nostrils and force out a chuckle. “It’s my fault. He wanted to talk but you know I ain’t much of a talker.”

There might be some truth to your words but you can see it in her eyes, she doesn’t believe it’s the real reason. She knows there’s something deeper and like the caring person she is, she leans over the desk and ask if you wanted to talk after class. But you’re done with talking.

You avoid her gaze and change the subject. “What did I miss?”

Her expression softens but she isn’t surprised by your deflection. “We’re doing group assignments right now and will present them at the end of class.”

Of course. The time you don’t want to talk or be near anyone is the time you have to. Miss MacKay already suspects something so you can’t add more reason by asking to do it alone.

“What group am I in?”

“You can choose.”

It isn’t what you wanted to hear. Luckily though, someone was eavesdropping and chooses for you. You don’t give Miss MacKay a second glance as you head towards Jesse’s group but you can feel her gaze on you along with the others you felt since the moment you walked in. You can see them from the corner of your eyes— Adam, Dean, Connie and Julie.

You keep your eyes on the paper and listen as Averman explains what they're doing and what they got so far, throwing in a joke when he deems appropriate. You don’t force a chuckle or smile and Jesse already looks done with the jokes so Averman sheepishly changes the topic.

Soon after, you lose focus. Their words go in one ear and out the other and their movements do not register in your eyes. You don’t know how long you were in your head because when Jesse finally catches your attention it’s only you and him at the table.

He eyes you carefully, eyes slightly narrowed and brows lowered. “You good?”

“I’m fine.” You mutter a bit too quickly.

“Are you even trying to lie?” It’s meant to be a joke but there’s no humor in his voice and neither of you laugh. He should leave the humor to Averman. Jesse continues, now more serious. “Does it gotta do with the fight with your brother or the talk with Coach Bombay or both?”

Your finger twitches and you’re quick to curl it into a fist. He sees. A lie is on the tip of your tongue but instead, you mumbled a tired. “I don’t do personal, Jesse.”

Jesse huffs, jaw clenching as he shakes his head. “So that’s all you have to do” He mutters under his breath but he wasn’t trying to hide it from you. “Say you don’t do personal and they let you walk away with no consequences.”

His choice of words confuses you. Yes, there was times that your fear of getting personal caused you to hurt people; Miss MacKay, Jesse, and Adam. But Jesse doesn’t know about the other two and he used the plural, not the singular. Plus his negative tone, he wasn’t talking about something small like hurting feelings. It was something big. Something worse.

Your heart races at the implication but you didn’t want to believe it. There was no way he could have. But when you lock eyes with Jesse and see the rage and hate in them, the same that you had seen in Mom’s that day, it hits you.

“It was you.” You whisper in disbelief. “You ratted me out to Bombay.”

“I told him the truth.” He corrects through gritted teeth. “Someone had to and it for sure wasn’t gonna be you.”

Your lip curls into a snarl. “‘The truth’? Jesse, you know nothing. Whatever you think you saw or heard instead of assuming— thinking you know shit— and going to Bombay, you should’ve came to me.”

“I know what I saw and for what? So you can tell me the same bullshit about not doing personal or lie to me ‘cause that’s all you’ve been doing since you joined. You lied to the team, to Coach, to Miss MacKay, even to your own brother. You dissed him instead of telling him why you left yesterday.”

“I wasn’t dissing him.”

Jesse scoffs. “Of course that’s the only thing you worry about. You’re not even gonna try to deny the rest ‘cause you know it’s true.” He pauses and glances at the team before looking back at you with a sneer. “I don’t know what you told Coach to let you stay but you’re not gonna play me or the team. I’m gonna make sure they know the type of person you are ‘cause we worked too hard to get here just for a… junkie to ruin it. I bet that’s why your mom hates your guts.”

There it is. It’s the push that send you over the edge. The object that shatters the bottle of emotions. You couldn’t hold back any more.

In less than ten seconds, the chair you sat on screeches against the floor before tipping back, the table crashes to the floor, paper scatters and pencils roll. One quick step and you’re gripping Jesse by his shirt and pulling him closer to your scowling face.

It catches the attention of everyone but they don’t move. The team has never seen you like this and it leaves them stunned. But Dean has seen you like this before and it has his heart racing, feeling like a little kid again.

“Whatcha gonna do?” Jesse taunts, not one bit intimidated by you. “You’re gonna hit me like you did with your friend back at the arcade? Or you gonna do me like you did your old boyfriend, Queen?”

Your blood runs cold. The team exchange confused glances except for two boys. Adam’s eyes widen and he nervously glances towards your brother who takes a step towards you with fear in his eyes.

“JJ, what is he talking ‘bout?”

“Want me to tell him or you finally gonna tell the truth?” Jesse mutters.

You glare at him before pushing him away. You stay quiet as the raging anger begins to fizzle out and in its place, anxiety grows, filling your heart and pumping through your veins. The twitching in your fingers becomes erratic and Dean notices it.

“JJ.” He pleads. “Tell me he’s lying. Tell me it ain’t true.”

You squeeze your eyes shut as you bite your inner cheek before sighing and looking at him. “Let me explain.” Your voice shakes even as you whisper it.

Dean’s expression falters, shock covers it then denial, sadness and betrayal all in a matter of seconds before settling on anger. An anger laced with pent up frustration, bitterness, and hate. It clouds the shine in his eyes and makes them look black.

“How could you?” He mutters but then his voice increases in volume as he continues. “After everything that happened. After the shit he put you through— put me through! How could you go back to him? Back to that life? You promised you wouldn’t do it again! You promised you were gonna stay clean!”

“It ain’t like that, Dean.”

“So Jesse’s lying. You weren’t with that piece of shit?” He scoffs. “It all make sense now. The disappearing, the lying, why you were so worried ‘bout slippin’. ‘Cause you were back to your old ways. And you had the fucking nerve to get mad at me for not trusting you! For defending Mom when she was right about you. You’re the worst daughter and even the worse sister!”

Suddenly, Adam appears in front of you and shoves Dean back, surprising everyone. “Don’t talk to her like that! She might not be perfect— nobody is— but that doesn’t mean she’s the worse. She’s trying her best and if she didn’t tell you about Todd it was for a good reason.”

You grimace are his words. He just wanted to defend you but in doing so, he added more fuel to the fire.

Dean’s eyes widen with hurt and disbelief, darting between you and Adam a couple of times before staying on you. “You trust Rich Boy more than me.” His voice breaks and you look away. He stares at you, the hurt slowly turning back to anger, then looks at Adam. “Did she tell you everything about her past? ‘Bout Will? The drugs? The fights? The… overdose?”

Adam hesitates for a beat of a second, regaining his composure after the words sent him through loops. “It doesn’t matter because that wasn’t JJ. That was ‘Queen’.”

“She is ‘Queen’! She was always ‘Queen’. JJ was just a mask– she wasn’t real.” The hurt and sadness mix into his anger and when he looks at you again, it’s melancholy. “You really got everyone fooled... How could I be so stupid? I really thought you changed. I thought… you cared about me. But a low life like you don’t care about anyone but themselves. And it took you hurting me again to realize it.”

Your expression drops. The strings holding up your heart all snap causing the most painful sensation you only experienced once before and it has you stumbling back. This has to be a nightmare. This can’t be real. But the tears are real. The growing lump in your throat that chokes you is real. The pain is real.

You can feel the team’s judgemental gaze on you; their hurt, sadness, anger, betrayal and disbelief that says all of their silent thoughts.

You have no one to blame but yourself. You did this. Not Todd. Not Mom. You caused all this pain and heartache.

A tear falls on the silver bracelet. The phoenix glimmers under the lights, mocking you so cruelly as you struggle to take it off. You don’t deserve to wear it. You walk up to Dean and press the bracelet against his chest as you look him in the eyes, sharing one last silent conversation.

I’m so sorry.

His cold and heartless expression falters for a second and a small light shines in his eyes. But then he blinks and it’s gone. He doesn’t believes a word you say anymore. He doesn’t trust you. You’re a stranger.

Oh, boy, Julie thinks to herself as she listens to her lap partner, Tyler, talk about himself instead of doing the assignment they have to finish before class ends. She thought she'd gotten used to it but no, it was just as annoying as it was the first time. If he wasn’t too busy gloating like he was some big shot, he would have noticed the annoyed look on her face.

Her eyes wander behind him to where Connie sits at the other table. She’s already looking her way with the same annoyed expression and mouths ‘he’s worse than Goldberg’. Both girls giggle at the joke but Tyler notices and thinks he’s the reason— a good reason that is.

“Uh, so Julie, I was wondering…” he looks down bashfully and rubs the back of his neck.

Oh, no.

“If you'd like to—“

“To finish the assignment? Great idea.” Tyler opens his mouth to correct her but Julie is already turning the attention to what they were supposed to be doing in the first place. As much as it was annoying that he was trying to impress her and ask her out, Julie found it even more annoying that he didn’t care about the work at all.

Julie manages to finish the assignment just before the bells rings. She turns it in and as she is walking out to meet up with Connie, Tyler stops her.

“Julie. Are you doing anything later?” He asks.

She nods sharply. “Work. Lots of it. And hockey practice. I also have to study for a test.”

“Oh. How about on the weekend? Are you free?”

“I already have plans with my friends.” Tyler frowns. Julie thinks that would be it but then he opens his mouth again. He just didn’t get it. “Look, Tyler, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea so I’m going to be straight forward with you. I’m not interested in you in that way. We can hang out as friends or work on the assignments but nothing more.”

His cheeks turn pink then a dark red. She didn’t mean to embarrass him but she had to tell him the truth.

“O-Okay. Thanks for letting me know.” Tyler forces a smile before walking away.

Julie sighs in relief. At least she has one less thing to worry about. She meets up with Connie who saw the whole thing— she was impressed and just as relieved.

“Wow. Took you long enough.”

“I know.” Julie grumbles to herself as the two begin walking. “I was trying to put it off because I didn’t want things to be awkward.”

“I would rather have things be awkward than deal with his big ego because. Oh. My. God. Just being near him, I want to strangle him. I can’t imagine how it is for you.”

“I’ve thought about dropping the class.” Connie gasps in horror and so over the top, Julie can’t keep a straight face and breaks into a smile. “That’s how bad it is.”

Connie shakes her head in disapproval and interlocks her arm with her friend’s. “Sounds like we need a spa day. What do you think?”

“I think that’s a— oof.” Too caught up with the conversation, she didn’t see someone rounding the corner at the same time as her until she bumped into them. It wasn’t hard but the force was enough to have them both stumbling back and the papers in the person’s hands to fall and scatter all over the hallway floor.

“I’m so sorry.” Julie kneels down and helps gather the papers nearby while Connie gets the ones that floated further away. “I didn’t see you.”

The person sighs, not annoyed or frustrated but sad. “I’m used to it.” They mumble under their breath, not meaning for Julie to hear but she does.

Confused, she looks at the person— a girl. Her attire is an uptown style but it’s hidden under a sweater that doesn’t match and that’s two sizes too big like she wasn’t confident enough to show off. Her hair is loose and at the angle her head is tilted, it covers most of her face but Julie can see the frown on her lips.

The girl looks at her then, the small movement pulling back the curtain of hair just enough. She stares at the blonde, her exposed eye darts between Julie’s then all over her face. There's a shine in them, a sparkle she couldn’t place. Then her eye goes round, her eyebrow raising with it, before staring down at the papers in her hands as a shaky breath leaves her painted lips.

It’s an odd reaction. What’s more odd is the warmth blooming inside Julie, one she’s not quite sure about. It’s whispering to her, telling her to say something to the girl. So as she stands and the girl follows, her gaze still focused on the papers, Julie says the first thing that pops into her mind.

“Hey.”

The girl looks at her. Blinks. Her mouth opens then closes then, “Hi.”

It’s the only thing said before Connie approaches and with a warm, apologetic smile, takes the attention of the girl. “Here’s the rest of your papers.”

“Thank you.” She smiles.

Julie’s eyes dart between the two girls as something else blooms inside her. She shakes her head and pushes it towards the back of her mind and hands the girl the last of her papers. “Sorry again.”

“It’s fine.” She mumbles as she reaches for the papers but miscalculated and her fingertips accidentally brush against Julie’s. It’s nothing big or significant and Julie doesn’t mind but the girl, she snatches her hand back like she was burned.

“I, uh, I have to get to class but thank you again.” The girl smiles at Connie but it falters when she glances at Julie.

The blonde frowns, slightly conflicted and confused as she watches the girl walk away. She doesn’t want to think too much into it. She doesn’t know the girl. She doesn’t know her personality. For all Julie knows, the girl acts like this with everyone. But it was difficult when her smile was genuine with Connie and different with her.

Did she do something wrong?

“She seems nice.” Connie comments, watching the girl leave as well. Julie doesn’t respond so the brunette looks at her friend and finds her staring. “Julie?”

No response.

“Julie.”

Silence. Connie glances at the girl then back at her friend. She scans her features, trying to figure out why the blonde was in a trance. Her eyes widen when she realizes but the evidence disappears when the girl walks out of sight and Julie’s expression changes before finally looking at the brunette.

”We should hurry if we don’t want to be late for class.”

Julie couldn’t stop thinking about the girl the following days. When she wasn’t thinking about school or hockey, her mind was filled with her and their interaction, wondering if she did something to offend her. It was odd.

What’s more odd is that she didn’t know the girl existed until she bumped into her and now, she’s seeing her everywhere. She saw her reading a book while getting breakfast one morning. An afternoon, she was handing out papers with Linda– Charlie’s girlfriend– in the hallways. Even on the weekend when she went to the library to study, the girl was there tutoring a student.

It was easy to spot her with that big sweater she always wears. And the curtain of hair that permanently covers her face but leaves a small window for an eye and lips; sometimes it’ll open more when she swiftly turns her head or she’ll tuck a piece behind her ear when she’s talking to Linda or a close friend. And every time, Julie’s gaze lingers on her, feeling that warmth in her chest like the first time.

It was confusing. The girl hates her but Julie is captivated by her. Why was she feeling like this especially with someone she just met?

Cheers and applause echo through Eden Hall’s ice rink as The Ducks play against The Huskies. It’s the end of the first period and home is in the lead with two points. Julie skates towards the exit, right behind the team as they skate off the ice and walk back to the locker room.

They takes a breather and hydrate as Coach Orion goes over the plays for the next period. Julie pays attention although none of it was for her. Being a goalie, her only job was to make sure the puck doesn’t go in the net which was easy with her quick reflexes and when the team keeps the puck on the other side.

Break is over in a blink of an eye and one by one, the Ducks walk back onto the ice. Julie is the last one on. Her gaze fixed on the team as they head towards the players bench for one last walkthrough before the second period begins. But she pauses when she sees a familiar sweater from the corner of her eye.

She glances towards the other side of the ice and there she is— the girl. There’s a smile on her face as she walks back to her seat with Linda, talking about something. She takes a bite of her snack when Linda says something that causes her to laugh and almost spit it out. Even in the noisy rink, Julie hears it. The girl glances at her friend, her smile growing, and for a second, it looks like she was looking at Julie instead.

She gets that feeling again and this time, the heat spreads to her cheeks. For a a second, Julie pretends. Pretends the girl didn’t hate her and that the smile was for her. Her eyes follow the girl, holding onto the moment, even when the crowd tries to cover her.

However, the daydream is rudely interrupted by Charlie’s face. “Earth to Julie. The game’s about to start so you better get to the net before Coach gets on your ass.”

She frowns. She leans to the side and glances towards the crowd, her gaze lingering on the girl like it always does, before reluctantly looking away and skating to her post. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Charlie and with furrowed brows, he glances in the direction she had been staring and sees Linda and her friend. He glances at the blonde with a mischievous smirk before skating up to his position.

“You’re looking nice.” Connie says with a knowing smile.

The game had ended less than an hour ago and Charlie had suggested getting some ice cream and hanging out at the nearby park. It was an easy going plan but knowing the team, it could turn into a chaos adventure which was more fun than it should be.

But it wasn’t the only reason Julie was going.

Linda and her friend were coming too. The girl with the big sweater that had been consuming Julie’s mind was coming. It would be the first time she will be near her since that day she bumped into her. The first time she will be talking to her if she can apologize before she runs off again.

“I look like this everyday.” Julie brushes off but even she didn’t believe her own lie. Anyone can tell she put on her best clothes and did her hair just right.

“Right. Anyway, let's get going before they leave without us.”

Both girls meet with the rest of the team waiting just outside the campus. Julie can see the girl from the corner of her eye but she keeps her gaze on the team as they tease both girls for taking forever which was a total lie. It’s not until they’re walking to the ice cream shop that she steals glances every now and then towards the front of the group where the girl walked with Linda and Charlie.

She’s smiling and talking with him like they were old buddies and Julie can’t help but feel a little bit jealous. She knows because of Linda they knew each other and were friends but in her eyes, the girl just met him and she’s already so nice and comfortable with him. The same thing happened with Connie but she didn’t know her.

Speaking of, the brunette suddenly giggles and it snaps Julie out of her thoughts. “What’s so funny?” She looks at her funny but genuinely curious.

“I just think it’s funny how you’re basically killing Charlie with your mind.” Connie says between giggles.

“No, I'm not.”

She shakes her head. “You don’t have to worry about him. I’m pretty sure he only has eyes for Linda.”

Julie pauses. It didn’t take a genius to know what Connie was implying. But it’s more the fact that she saw it that had Julie slightly anxious because it means the girl also saw it. And if she did, her dislike for Julie could get worse, ruining her chances before she had them.

“Is it that obvious?” The blonde whispers to her friend, now more alert of the people around her.

Connie slows down, creating a small gap between the group and them, and her expression softens. “No. It’s only obvious to me because I recognize the look you gave her that day you bumped into her and the other times.”

A blush covers Julie’s cheek as she cringes. “So it is obvious.”

Connie mentally kicks herself before giving her a reassuring smile. “If it makes you feel better, she was too.”

The blonde perks up at that. “What do you mean?”

“She was totally flustered with you. I mean, she could barely look at you and when your hands touched…” Connie trails off when she notices the look on her friend’s face. “You didn’t notice?”

“No. I thought she hated me.”

“Hated you? Why would she hate you?”

“Because I insulted her.”

Connie looks at her like she grew a second head. “Are you serious? I was there the whole time and you didn’t insult her. Julie— you’re as oblivious as a boy. How can you not see she—“

“Hey girls!” Their heads snap towards the group only to find them no longer in front of them but across the street. The conversation ends there but as they’re ordering the ice cream and eating it at the park, Julie can’t stop thinking about what Connie said.

Could it be true and this whole time she was overthinking for nothing? Or was Connie as delusional as her? Julie goes over the interaction again but this time knowing the girl was actually flustered instead of cold, her actions made more sense. The staring, snatching her hand away when their hands touched, and the smile that now she thinks was more shy rather than rude.

But just thinking it wasn’t enough. She had to prove it to herself.

Julie takes a breath and approaches the girl with a friendly smile. “Hey.”

The girl pauses her swaying on the swing and looks at the blonde. She forces a smile but it comes out awkward. “Hi.” She whispers.

It isn't a good sign but Julie continues. “Mind if I join you?” She points towards the empty swing next to her.

“No.” The girl blurts out before her exposed eye goes round and she looks down bashfully. “Uh, no. It's fine. I could use the company.”

Julie takes a seat and it goes quiet after. She watches as the boys play on the playground being so loud and obnoxious, she wouldn’t be surprised if people nearby started complaining. Minutes before, Linda and Connie had left to a nearby store to use the restroom and by the look on Connie’s face, it was so the blonde could make a move. Julie had rolled her eyes but she was thankful for it.

“So,” Julie begins, “how do you know Linda?”

“She’s my cousin.”

Julie hums with a nod. “Is that why you were at the game?”

The girl pauses and looks at Julie with a raised eyebrow. “You noticed?” She says with shock.

Blush covers the blonde’s cheeks and she lets out a nervous chuckle. “When I was getting back on the ice, I saw you laughing with Linda and… yeah.”

The corners of the girl’s mouth quirk upward and she looks at her feet, hair covering her smile. “No. Unlike her, I liked hockey way before meeting Charlie. It’s funny because over the years I tried convincing her to come to a game but it only took him a day.” She giggles. “I guess it takes having a crush to do something.”

You got that right. Julie smiles. “So you like hockey? What team do you go for?’

“I did go for the Minnesota North Stars but now they’re the Dallas Stars so… But until we get our own team, I’ll still root for them.” There’s a pause before she looks at Julie with a small smile and continues. “And this fairly new team called the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. Have you heard of them?”

A small chuckle leaves Julie before she feigns confusion. “Weren’t they named after the team that won the Goodwill Games?”

She giggles. “Yeah, that’s the one. And all thanks to that goalie with the fast hands.”

A prideful smile threatens to appear at her praise but Julie fails to fight it off. A minute ago she just found out the girl actually doesn’t hate her and now she’s praising her like she’s a bigshot– which was kind of true. Maybe Connie was right.

The conversation easily flowed from there and slowly, the girl was getting comfortable. She was sweet and kind and everything nice. Julie forgot all about her nerves and overthinking that now seemed stupid. And as their talk continued even when Linda and Connie came back and when the group finally called it a night and walked back to the dorms, she felt the pull towards her stronger than before and the warmth in her chest spreading through her body.

Julie decides to join Charlie and accompany the cousins to their dorm while the rest of the team head back to theirs. The couple stands a good distance from the girls enough to give them space but close enough to eavesdrop. Julie prolongs the conversation and the girl encourages it, both seeming not to want the night to end.

But eventually, Julie leads it to the end. “I really enjoyed talking with you.”

The girl smiles. “Like wise.”

Julie matches her smile though it’s a bit wider, a bit happier. “Would you like to hangout some time? Just us.”

The girl’s smile falters and her eye goes wide. She stares at Julie like a deer caught in headlights before glancing down at the ground and the curtain of hair pulling close around her.

Oh, no. Did she misread the whole thing? Was this just her being nice?

“Julie.”

The blonde instantly comes back to reality and she stares at the girl who now is looking at her. It’s the first time she says her name and it sounds so good coming from her. Julie wants her to say it again. The thought has her cheeks heating up and it’s her turn to look at the ground.

“Sorry. I just… I was caught off guard by your invitation since this is kind of my first time making a friend on my own.” The girl mumbles embarrassed and the look in her eye says she’s kicking herself for telling the truth. She clears her throat, ridding the embarrassment enough to answer the question. “But yes, I would lo– like– I like to hangout some time. How about tomorrow?”

Julie perks up at the answer and the smile from before appears again but now slightly shy as well. “Tomorrow sounds good. I’ll meet you here around noon.”

“Okay.” The girl breathes out with a smile. Her gaze locked with Julie’s as a comfortable silence fell between them. Her smile grows, almost reaching her eye, and she nods. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Julie.”

There it is again. She said her name and it’s music to Julie’s ears. Her cheeks darken and she just nods in return, too nervous to speak. She watches the girl walk inside and at the same time, she’s realizing it wasn’t just a silly infatuation cause of her odd reaction. It was more than that. And after spending time with her, Julie understands now.

She likes her, really likes her.

Charlie talks as they head back to the team’s dorm but Julie’s mind is too occupied with the girl and the realization of her crush on her. The thought had her smiling to herself. Charlie notices her silence and recognizes the look on her face and with a small laugh, he asks about her time with– he says a girl’s name.

“Who?” She looks at him confused, not recognizing the name at all.

In return, Charlie looks at her confused. “Linda’s cousin, duh. Wait. You’re telling me the whole time you were talking with her, you didn’t ask for her name? Or at least know it?”

“It never came up, okay.” Julie defends herself. “And it would’ve been awkward if I asked since she already knew mine.”

“Excuses. Excuses.” Charlie jokes.

Julie rolls her eyes. It goes quiet again but she’s chewing on her bottom lip, debating whether to ask or not. It would be awkward if she asks the girl for her name now and more so if she continues on with whatever they have going on without knowing.

“What did you say her name was?” She mutters under her breath.

Charlie smirks and says your name again.

The sun is rising over the horizon, its beam shining through the buildings and trees on campus. Soft orange and pinks and purples cover the sky and fade into a baby blue. The cool night’s air still lingers, cooling your warm cheeks as Julie leads you towards the school’s ice rink.

The building is empty for the most part. The hallways are covered in shadows where the dim lights couldn’t reach. Your and Julie’s footsteps, though soft, echo loudly through the place and when you reach the doors, the banging of failing to open them replaces it.

“Julie, are you sure about this?” You ask as you glance around the empty corridor. “What if someone catches us?”

She laughs and says your name. “It’s not like we’re breaking and entering.”

“Then why does it feel like it?” You mutter but she hears it and smiles at you.

Julie rummages through her pockets and takes out a key. Before you can ask, she’s unlocking the doors and tugging you inside. The freezing cold air is a slap to your face and you’re instantly hugging yourself and bury yourself further into the big sweater you wear to warm yourself.

“You can relax. Coach Orion said if we wanted the extra practice, we could come any time. And if we were breaking and entering, there are no witnesses so it wouldn’t ’really’ be a crime.”

Her way of thinking had you laughing both out of amusement and nervousness. You've heard from Linda, who Charlie told, about the trouble the team has gotten into that sometimes not even their coaches know about. You didn’t believe her, thinking it was an exaggeration but you’re starting to now.

“Julie Gaffney, you are trouble.” You tease with a giggle while she’s already taking off her shoes and replacing them with the skates she had in her backpack.

She grins. “Thank you.” She grabs another pair of skates from her backpack and hands them to you. “Do you need help putting them on?”

“It’s like putting on shoes. Right?”

“Yeah but make sure you keep it loose around your ankle so you’ll have room to move and won’t hurt yourself.”

You nod and put the skates on. They’re a little more worn out and more decorative than the ones Julie wears but you don’t mind. You actually liked it and thought it was sweet. Plus it would be easier to skate with used skates instead of a newer pair.

Julie leads you to the entrance and when she steps onto the ice, she offers you her hand. You stare at it, hesitant to take it, but eventually do while trying to ignore the heat in your cheeks. The hold is soft, barely holding onto her but you soon realize it’s a mistake when you step on the ice. It’s like walking onto a wet spot on a smooth floor with nothing to stop you from falling.

“Julie!”

Her free hand wraps around your waist, pulling you close to her all while never letting your hand go. “I got you.” But you didn’t relax. You grip onto the back of her plaid shirt for support as you focus on not slipping again. Julie whispers your name, twice, before you’re finally looking at her, and when you do, she smiles softly. “It’s okay. I got you.”

Her words. Her smile. Her touch. It has you feeling all fuzzy and warm on the inside. You’re so close, you become hyperaware of everything. Her heat you feel through your clothes, her hand feeling like it’s against your skin instead of your sweater, her pretty sapphire blue eyes watching you– admiring you as you do the same.

“You like her. She likes you. I see it. Charlie sees it— the whole team sees it!” Linda’s voice echoes in your head. “They way you look at each other. Talk and basically do anything like you’re a couple. It’s really gross.” She joked. “I’m saying this because I want you to be happy– and because I want you two dancing around your feelings to stop– if Julie doesn’t make a move, do it yourself. Stop being timid.”

Julie says your name, a hint of confusion in her eyes. You look at her. You don’t know what possesses you but before you know it, you’re pressing your lips against hers. Her eyes widen and she doesn’t move or breathe. The kiss lasts only two seconds but it feels so much longer.

When you get back control of your body, you realize your mistake and quickly pull away and try to escape but her hold on you doesn’t let you. You didn’t know if it’s because she was in shock or because she didn’t want to let you fall, either way, you hate it. You already looked like an idiot so if you scoot towards the exit on your butt right now, it wouldn’t change a thing.

You stare at the ground and your hair covers your burning face that’s so hot the cold air touching it instantly turns into steam. Sweat forms in your hands, hands that are still gripping her shirt and holding her hand. But it isn’t the kiss or your hold on her or vice versa that was the worst part. The worst part is that Julie hasn’t said a word, not even a peep.

Curse you Linda. You think. Last time I take your advice.

Finally, after what felt like the longest minute of silence, Julie whispers your name and although you two were close and the rink is silent, you act like you didn’t hear her. She says your name again but you still don’t look at her. So with a soft sigh, Julie lets go of your hand and gently tilts your head so you can look at her. You let her but keep your eyes closed.

She giggles and without another word, she presses her lips against yours. It takes you a few seconds to realize what was happening and when it does, you’re closing your eyes and kissing her back. It’s slow and sweet and full of all the romantic tension that had been growing since the day you two met. You didn’t know how long it lasted but when you two break for air, it felt like it wasn’t long enough.

You kept your word this time but the damage was done. Your stunt caused you Will’s trust which was a dangerous thing. He didn’t outright show it though. He was his normal carefree self but every touch, kiss, and gaze towards you had a coldness underneath, the lingering threat that could come true if he deems anything you do as a betrayal.

So for your own good, you erased that day from your memory. The fight at school. Dean. His words. Mom. Your punishment. You forced yourself to forget it all and acted like it never happened. The rest followed your lead, acting like they didn’t beat you up or witnessed it.

Todd was another story though. That day was still a part of his memory and he made sure you knew it. The glances he gave you, the glint in his eyes and the grin that looked like the joker. Every time he was gone for too long and no one knew where he was or he’d say something that seemed normal but then looked at you and it became sinister. He never scared you before but after what he said, you were on edge but you didn’t show it because if you did, it’d encourage this sick game of his.

Between him, Will and Dean, you were reaching your breaking point. So you turned to what you knew best to help. You drowned yourself in drugs and alcohol until you felt no fear, pain, or guilt. Until you were numb and just an empty vessel roaming around. You made sure there was always something in your system so you never felt any of it wearing off.

It only got easier when Will and Todd started to throw parties on the weekends that had every type of drink and drug. And if it wasn’t Will throwing them then it was his other buddies.

And while that was going on, at the same time, you were trying to regain Will’s trust because he didn’t deserve what you did to him. He gave you everything when you left home. A roof over your head, food on the table, clothes, love, and you repay him by turning your back to him. By not defending him when Dean disrespected him.

So you did what he asked without question. From trying a new drug to beating a person until they were black and blue. You did it until his touch became soft, his kisses more passionate and his gaze loving. He was so addicting and had a way that made you forget about the pain he caused. He made you forget why you were at his beck and call in the first place.

The house party was filled to the brim with people, leaving little space to avoid touching someone when you walk past them. Flashes of bright lights lit the place every five seconds. The music blared and shook the place. And the smell of alcohol and some of the drugs people brought filled the air.

You were in the middle of the whole thing holding onto Will as you danced. Your bodies flushed against each other, glued together by the sweat on your skin and clothes. The feel of Will’s hands on your body, the vibration of the music through your body, and the high made you feel so relaxed and free like a feather flowing in the wind. No care or worry.

You didn’t want to put a pause to it but after dancing for so long, your throat was starting to feel dry. “Will,” you whispered against his ear, “Imma go get some to drink. You want anything?”

“I’m good. Imma go find Todd but get me when you’re done so we can continue this.” He smiled as he pulled you even closer.

“I will.” You kissed his cheek and made your way towards the kitchen. It was more difficult than it should’ve been. You had to pass other dancers then people just standing around talking, or the couples showing too much PDA, all while making sure to dodge any contact with them. But you couldn’t make it to your destination without someone bumping into you, accidently or not.

You didn’t waste a second in shoving the person away causing them to bump into another person. They scoffed and looked at you like you were the problem. They swayed in their spot and their words slurred as they insulted you. But it was when they started to get in your face that angered you. You didn’t let them finish before throwing a right hook at their face. Their body stiffened as they fell back against the wall, head falling limp to the side.

After that, you had no trouble reaching the kitchen. The counter wasn’t visible under the dozens of abandoned cups and bottles of alcohol that were either already empty or were getting there. You checked the ones that still had liquid in them and silently debated which one to get before deciding to make a mixture with them.

You grabbed one of the cups, rinsing it out, and poured a bit of everything. It wasn’t ideal. The effects were a gamble but what’s certain was the nasty hangover and the horrible taste. Though, you didn’t get there by making good decisions. You had some juice you found in the fridge to lessen the bitterness.

The liquid burned your throat and felt like swallowing needles but once you passed those stages, it hit just the right places. You sighed and once again felt relaxed. You finished the drink and went to pour yourself more when you think you heard your name. You paused then shook your head. Besides Will, no one in the party knew your name and with so many things running through your system, you were most likely imagining things.

You continue to pour your drink but your name was said again and this time louder and clearer and right behind you. Confused, you glanced over your shoulder. Maybe it was because you were intoxicated or because you couldn’t believe your eyes, either way, a booming laugh left you at the sight of the person.

It was a sick joke and maybe if you weren’t so messed up, you would’ve felt some type of way. Anger? Guilt? Maybe misery? The only thing you felt though was indifference at the absurdity.

You continued to laugh with a shake of your head and turned back to continue pouring your drink. So ludicrous. So…

A hand clasped your own and tugged it, forcing you to turn around again. Your eyes widened and the bottle you had in your hand fell to the floor. He was actually there.

Dean was really there.

“No, no, no. No.” You vigorously shook your head. “You’re not supposed to be here. You shouldn’t be here.”

Dean huffed. “We can talk about that later but right now, we don’t got time. We have to leave.”

He pulled you along but he instead got pulled back because you didn’t move. You pulled your hand away from him and scanned the room before looking at him. “I ain’t leaving but you are.”

His expression faltered but then he held his head high. “No.”

“No?”

“If you want me to leave then you‘re gonna have to come with me or force me out ‘cause I ain’t moving—“

You grabbed him by the ear and dragged him through the back doors, the side of the house and towards the front. Dean complained the whole way but it didn’t stop or slow you. Every second you wasted was one less tick on the imaginary bomb so you had to be quicker.

You reached the sidewalk where the property ended and tossed Dean to the other side. “There. I forced you out. Now,” you gave him a stern look. “Go. Home, Portman.”

He looked taken aback at your word choice and tone. No nickname, not even his first name, but his last name— your last name— and you said it like it was an insult. Like it was something to be ashamed of.

Dean’s expression changed, softening with a mixture of confusion and empathy. “What did they do to you?” He whispered.

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t start with your bullshit. They did nothing. This is the new– no. This is me.”

“No it’s not.”

“Oh, and you should know that ‘cause what? We’re twins and we share some fucking tele— telop—Whatever the hell it is.” You grumbled annoyed. “You don’t know me. You know nothing ‘bout me.”

“I know everything about you. I know your favorite band is Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. I know you hate the feel and look of new shoes. I know you hate when people mess with others too small or weak to defend themselves. I know that you don’t belong here with these people. I know you’re not like them!”

Your hand flexed by your side and your head twitched as you held back the emotions bubbling inside of you. The imaginary bomb was ticking faster now. “You couldn’t be more wrong, Portman.”

“Stop saying it like that!” Dean stepped closer to you, his nostrils flaring as he huffed.

You raised a brow. “Saying what, Portman?”

His jaw clenched at the sound of it. “I’m not ashamed and I won’t let you make me. Not like they did with you. I’m a Portman. And so are you no matter if you wanna erase it. You’re my sister. You’re the daughter of Beth and Jo—”

“You mean the man who called me a fucking disappointment? The same one who made it clear I was gonna end up a low life?” As soon as the words left you, you bursted out laughing. It startled Dean and he took a step back. “Guess the jokes on me, huh?“

Your words slowly register in your head. Your laughter to die down. It wasn't a shock. You’ve been knowing it but it wasn’t until then that it finally settled. You were hurt Dad said those things about you, Will and the others because you thought he was just hating. Turned out he was telling the truth but you were too blind to see it.

Dean opened his mouth and you knew exactly what he was going to say so you cut him off. “Don’t. It doesn’t matter no more ‘cause it’s true. Just look at me.” You framed your face with your hands and grinned. “This is the face of the worst daughter– the worst person in Chicago.”

Dean didn’t respond but his look said everything he was feeling. Shocked, heartbroken, angry, despaired. Your grin lost its joy and slowly changed direction as you stared at your brother. You didn’t like seeing him like this. You didn’t like how it made you feel when supposedly you made sure you couldn’t feel anything.

“You don’t gotta be.” Dean finally said and it caught you off guard. “It ain’t too late for you. You can still–”

“Stop it, Dean, just stop! I already fucking told you but you just don’t get it, huh? There is no saving me so stop trying cause it ain’t gonna do nothing but fucking hurt you!”

“No, you stop it! You– shut the fuck up for fucks sake!” He steps closer to you, his hot breath and drops of saliva hitting your face. You didn’t move. “You might got those idiots fooled and yourself too– or maybe you just don’t want to admit it– but I see right through you. You’re not doing this ‘cause you like it. You’re doing it to forget about everything and everyone you did wrong since you got with Will! Or what? Is it a fucking coincidence you got worse after that day with me? Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I don’t know shit about you and I’m wrong.”

You didn’t answer.

Dean took a breath and continued but this time his tone was softer. “I already told you that I’m gonna be there for you whether you need me or don’t. Nothing’s gonna change that. Not now, not ever. I’m… I’m not gonna turn my back on you.”

You didn’t try to hide the tears as you stared at him. Dean, your number one fan. Your number one supporter. Your brother. You didn’t know whether to hate him or admire him but one thing was for sure, you had to protect him at all costs.

“Awe, how cute.”

Your body went stiff as a chill ran down your back. The bomb had gone off but you were distracted to notice. It was too late now.

Todd circled around you and your brother with a mischievous grin. “Didn’t know you were capable of such heartfelt speech. I thought you were just a snotty, annoying little kid.” He laughed.

Dean scowled. “And I thought you were Will’s lap dog.”

Todd’s lip twitched.

A death grip on your arm had you hissing in pain but soon died in your throat when you were yanked back and were face to face with Will. “What are you doing with him?” He snarled.

“Ey!” Dean yelled and shoved him but his hold on you didn’t loosen. “Don’t fucking touch her, you piece of shit!”

Will made a motion to Todd and in an instant, Todd pulled Dean’s arms behind his back and held him there. Your fist clenched. Todd was bigger and stronger than him so he didn’t bat an eye when Dean thrashed in his hold.

Will tilted your head back, forcing you to look at him. “What are you doing with this brat?”

“I was just kicking him out.”

He scoffed and held your chin with a grip that would cause bruises. You didn’t flinch or break, not as Dean was yelling insults to him despite desperately wanting to tell him to shut up.

“You’re lying to me.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you, Will.”

“You wouldn’t betray me either but you did.” Your heart skipped a beat when his gaze turned cold. His nails dug into your skin as he continued. “I love you, Queen, but you clearly don’t love me. You don’t got my back like I got yours and it… fucking hurts.”

“Gotta teach her another lesson, King.” Todd commented with joy.

“No!” Yelled Dean. “I swear if you hurt my sister, I’m going to kill you!”

Will’s jaw clenched and he looked at your brother with a glare that could kill. His grip on you disappeared and your poker face broke then as fear consumed you.

Will made a name for himself in this life. His anger. His outbursts. He fought anyone who messed with him. It didn’t matter if his opponent was bigger than him or smaller. If they were a cashier or a police officer. He showed no mercy and he wasn’t going to show it to your brother.

So before he could reach Dean, you ran past him and striked Dean with a force that made him go limp in Todd’s hold before falling to the ground. He groaned in pain and looked up at you with teary eyes but looking back at him was an emotionless mask.

“No one disrespects him. ‘Specially not a pathetic and worthless shit like you… Not a fucking burden like you.” Dean’s eyes widened and he whispered your name confused. “She’s gone and it’s bout time you get it through your fucking head. You ain’t my burden. You ain’t my brother. You ain’t nothing to me. So you better fucking leave or else…”

His eyes turned glossy with tears but the sparkle in them faded and with it, his hope. He swallowed the lump in his throat and struggled to get back on his feet. It was quiet as you two stared at each other, Dean silently asking so many questions while you stayed cold.

“If that’s how you really feel… then I won’t bother you anymore.”

“Good.”

With the way his expression dropped, it was like you had hit him again. Like a kicked puppy left out in the rain. It wasn’t a pretty sight but you didn’t let it get to you. You had to keep the facade up for your own and Dean’s good. Dean didn’t say anything else and wiped his tears before finally leaving.

Your eyes lingered on him but Will pulled your attention away as he grabbed your waist and pressed his lips against yours. “My fucking queen.” He chuckled. “I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me again.”

“I told you I wouldn’t.”

“Yes, you fucking did.” He kissed you again. “Now we got more reason to party. C’mon.”

A week passed since then and you were so blinded by the joy of finally regaining Will’s trust— no longer feeling the coldness in his touches or looks— you didn’t have room to think about Dean and how he kept his word.

The hoodie and warmth of the day light did little to keep you warm as another cold breeze slapped your face. It would’ve felt nice if you weren’t woken up a couple of minutes ago by Will so you could buy snacks for later when the group comes over while he handles some business.

You tugged the hoodie around your face and kept your head low as you entered the corner store. The cashier was busy ringing up a customer so you took the chance to stash the smaller snacks in your pants and under your hoodie. Once you had enough, you grabbed a bag of chips and a soda and went to pay.

The cashier’s smile dropped when you were next in line, eyeing you suspiciously as he began to scan the items at a snail’s pace. Then he tried small talk. You were started to get annoyed eyed the items as you prepared yourself to grab them and run out the store.

But fear suddenly bolted through your veins and consumed you in a matter of seconds. You froze on the spot as the color drained from your face. Your heart skipped a beat before quickly beating fast and hard against your ribcage like a jackhammer. The cashier noticed and began asking if you were okay but instead of answering, you stumbled out of the store.

The coldness slapped you once again but this time it was so much stronger like you dunked your head in iced water. You gasped for air and it scratched and numbed your airways making it difficult. The world spun around you, the ground slid back and forth, the buzzing of the streets got too loud and flashes of bright light bordered your vision and the people staring at you as they walked by.

You ran, or what you thought was, into a back alley but the hyperventilating didn’t stop. Every breath you took, twice as much was lost. It was a losing battle and soon you got dizzy from it. You collapsed to your knees and rubbed a hand against your chest, against your racing heart that felt it would burst out any second, hoping to ease the ache but nothing helped. You felt nauseous and an acidic taste hit the back of your throat making you gag and cough.

What we’re you so afraid of? It couldn’t have been for stealing. This felt extreme for something silly like that. This felt like you were dying.

You arrived to the hangout, ready to get something in your system, but stopped when you felt the shift in the air. It was cold and dry but there was a heaviness to it, a tension that wasn’t there when you left. The place was empty with a silence so eerie, you fought the urge to run away.

Your heart thumped erratic as you cautiously walked in, eyes darting all over the place. Then there was a crunch. Not from the stolen snacks but something else. You looked down. Broken glass. A lot of it scattered by the couches, table and a nearby bin that had been knocked over.

There were also footprints made out of the ashes from the bin. They were inconsistent. Some smeared while others were prominent. Some with lines while others had shapes. But they were always close to each other, following each other like they were dancing, and they ended together.

You stared at where they ended behind the couch facing you. The sunlight grew dim and a grey tint casted over the hangout. A shiver ran down your spine as a cold breeze came by or maybe it was in your head. The crippling fear from before grew.

You swallowed back the nerves and slowly walked closer. The glass scraped against the ground as you dragged your feet. You couldn’t hear your own breathing over the loud pulse in your head, thumping hard that the place looked like it was alive.

You peeked over the back of the couch. The tip of a finger came into view. You stopped.

Your breathing quickened but every breath you took seemed to suffocate you instead of helping you. Your mind turned fuzzy and you began to sway on the spot before stumbling back. It was time to run but your body didn’t let you. Instead it forced you to look.

The finger came into view then the rest of the body. A shaky gasp left your lips as your heart went still and your blood went cold. You became paralyzed and the only thing you could do was stare at the body. Tears stung your eyes before flooding them. Your legs gave out and you dropped to your knees, barely registering the sharp edges of the broken glass cutting your skin.

It had to be a sick joke your drugged up mind was forcing you to see. It had to be fake. It had to be.

You crawled towards the body and reached for the hand, hoping to touch air but you didn't. It was real. “No, no, no, no. Dean!”

Your brother didn’t react to your voice or when you cradled his limp body in your arms. Blood seeped through the cut on his cheek, his breathing barely noticeable, his eyes were unfocused and his pupils were so small. But what worried you most was the powder around his nose and mouth.

Another wave of fear struck you. With a shaky hand, you wiped the the powder away and with a brittle voice, you pleaded. “Please, don’t be… Dean, baby, can you hear me? Please, can you hear me?”

His eyes faintly darted towards you and you let out a shaky breath of relief.. “I’m here, baby— I’m here. I got you. I— Dean, I’m so sorry. For… everything.” You sniffled and cupped his cheek. “But I promise I ain’t gonna let that happen again, okay? I… It’s gonna be alright from now on. It's— You’re gonna be okay. I promise you. Just… stay with me. Please.”

Instead of calling an ambulance or cab, you ran with Dean in your arms to the nearest hospital. You couldn’t be still while his life was on the line. His life was in your hands. You failed him once but you weren't going to do it again.

You bursted into the emergency room yelling for help and didn’t stop until Dean was on a gurney and being rushed through the back as nurses checked on him. You stayed with him, holding his hand, until he began to convulse and you were forced to depart. You didn’t make it easy and security had to be called.

”Get off of me!” You struggled in their hold, doing anything and everything to get to Dean. “I gotta be with my brother. I can’t– I ain’t leaving him alone. Dean! I’m still here, baby! I–”

You tensed up as an electric shock hit your bang and spread across your body in a matter of seconds. Your muscles contracted before your legs gave out. A nurse caught you and laid you down in one of the empty gurneys in the hallway until the effects wore off.

“How are you feeling?” The nurse asked as she handed you a cup of water.

You glared at her and set the cup to the side. “Like I got tased but I’m fine now.” You stood up but the nurse stopped you. “What?”

“I can’t let you leave.”

“I’m not gonna cause trouble, alright. I just want to be near my brother.”

“It’s not that. I need to contact your parents and tell–”

“No! They can’t know about this. My dad– he’s…” If Dad didn’t hate you before, he was for sure going to hate you now. You wouldn’t blame him but you didn’t want to disappoint him even more than you already had. “I know my brother. You want to know his blood type? Allergies? I know it. Just… don’t call my parents. Please.”

The nurse's expression softened as she shook her head. “You’re both underage and with drugs involved, especially an overdose, they need to be here. They need to know…. You would’ve wanted to know.”

You didn’t want to but she was right.

The nurse hovered close as you dialed Mom’s work. You held your breath as the phone rang and when it stopped, Mom’s voice hit your ears. You tried to keep your voice leveled, to not worry her as much, but you couldn’t.

“Mommy.” Your voice broke.

Mom said you name confused before she said it again now more concerned and worried. “Are you okay? Did something happen? Where are you so I can pick you up?”

“I’m at the hospital. I– it’s–” You couldn’t finish. Your voice kept breaking and a burning lump formed in your throat making it more difficult to speak.

“Sweetheart, what hospital?” You took a deep breath and told her. “I’m on my way, okay? Everything’s going to be okay. Stay strong for me.”

“Okay.”

The call ended. You sniffled and wiped your tears on your arms. You had to be strong. You had to be brave. Crying wasn’t going to help. Sitting around waiting for your parents to show up– for Dad to hate you– wasn’t going to help.

You looked at your hand, at the white powder still clinging to your fingertips. The broken glass, the footprints… the threats. Your expression hardened as your hand curled into a fist.

You knew what was going to help.

Todd stood on the broken glass, kicking the pieces around as he sipped his beer. He looked uninterested. Bored even. Not angry. Not confused. Not like someone who had no idea what caused it.

You were quick with your work. Your footsteps soft but fast as you approached him and when he finally noticed you, your knuckles connected with his face. He didn’t get a chance to react before you were hitting him again. And again. And again. You finally let your anger and frustrations out. But too blinded by rage, you slipped up and Todd managed to defend himself.

You stumbled back and wiped the blood from your nose while he spat some out and glared at you. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I told you I was gonna fucking kill you if you laid a finger on Dean.”

A short chuckle left him which quickly turned into a cackle that had his head tilting back. The sound echoed through the hangout. “That fucking brat. I thought he meant nothing to you. You made that fucking clear back at the party.”

“Well you a fucking dumbass to believe it!”

“I don’t think Will’s gonna appreciate your disrespect.”

“Fuck Will.” You growled, slowly losing your patience. “If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be in this shit in the first place. I wouldn’t be like this and Dean wouldn’t be fighting for his fucking life! So fuck him. Fuck you. Fuck every single one of you sons of a bitches!”

“Nah, nah. You ain’t gonna blame us for your mistakes. You chose this life. You chose to be a fucking junkie. You chose to hurt your precious baby brother. Nobody forced you, Queen. So blame your-fucking-self!” Todd shouted, face red with anger. Then he smirked. “You bitch ass brother had it coming anyway. And you’re gonna end up like him sooner or later.”

You ran towards him and a fight ensued. You weren’t professional but with the many fights you were involved in, you were experienced enough. Todd might be bigger and stronger but you knew how hard, how much, and where to hit to cause damage.

Punches and kicks were thrown, some making contact while others were blocked or dodged. Broken glass slid around the ground, clicking against each other and crunching beneath your shoes as you two fought. Todd swung but you stepped to the side, dodging it, and threw a hit to his stomach. It connected. He huffed and swung at you again. This time you blocked it but weren’t fast enough to block his other hand.

“Give it up, Queen. You ain’t gonna win this one. Not by yourself or with Will’s help.”

You scowled. “I don’t need him or his help. I can finish my own fucking fights without his help unlike you.” You laughed then, “‘Caus I might be his girlfriend but you’re his bitch. You’re his fucking lap dog.”

Todd glowered at you in anger. His nostrils flared, his face turning red, and his eyes darkened. In a blink of an eye, he was sprinting towards you and tackled you to the ground. The glass dug through your hoodie, poking you, but you focused on Todd as he sat on top of you and wrapped his hands around your throat.

“It’s ‘bout time you’re finally put in your place. I only fucking tolerated you cause Will ‘loved’ you but I’m done being second to an ungrateful, shitty bitch like you.” He squeezed tighter and tighter until your face was losing color. Your hits grew weak. Todd grinned. “Plus, I’m doing you a solid. You’re gonna be with your bitch ass brother.”

Anger bubbled inside of you. One hand came down to your side and felt around until it touched a large shard of glass. You grabbed it and swung it at Todd’s face. He yelled in pain and fell to the side clutching his face. You coughed and gasped for air but didn’t waste a lot of time.

You stood up and kicked him until he laid on his back dazed. You sat on him and continued your assault. Every hit was harder than the one before. Soon, more blood covered his face and your knuckles. You didn’t stop.

This was for Dean.

“Will–” You ignored Todd and continued but his next words made you stop. “Did it.”

It couldn’t have been. Could it? But you regained his trust so there wasn’t a reason to hurt Dean. Todd did it. You were sure of it. He hated you. He hated Dean. Will, he didn’t hate…

You were thrown to the ground. You groaned in pain and sat up and looked at Will standing over you, confused and angry at you for the state of Todd and the hangout.

“Ain’t you gonna say anything, Queen?”

You were quiet as you stared at him and then, “did you hurt Dean?”

“What the fuck does that fucking brat gotta do with this?”

Your jaw clenched. “Answer the fucking question.”

Will scoffed. “Why the fuck do you care anyway? I thought he meant nothing to you.”

Your hand curled into a fist, the pieces of glass slicing your skin but it doesn’t register in your head. Will hurt Dean. He hurt your brother and now, he was going to pay. The next minutes were a blur as you fought Will. There was blood, groans and screams, and there was a sharp pain on your stomach. You struggled to push Will’s hand away, to push the knife away.

You don’t know how– maybe it was the adrenaline, the anger, the love– but Will ended up on the ground with you on top of him, yelling as you struck him over and over with an empty beer bottle you grabbed from the ground until it shattered into pieces. You continue to beat him with your fist.

Nurses stared and questioned you as you limped through the hallways of the hospital covered in blood but you ignored them all. You continued until you recognized the familiar reception and stopped at the sight of your parents.

Mom clinged to Dad, crying her eyes out, while he shed a couple of tears but kept it together for both of them. You were brave and strong for Mom but you couldn’t keep it up any longer. Instantly, your vision blurred with tears and sobs spilled from your mouth as you stumbled towards them.

“Mommy.”

Dad’s eyes lit up and his expression softened with relief but quickly grew concerned at your state. Mom was different. Her expression changed to something you’ve never seen before but in you’re troubled mind, it didn’t register or maybe you didn’t care. Either way you reached out to her as she stormed towards you but instead of comforting you like she usually would, your cheek suddenly stings.

“How could you do this to your brother?” Mom yelled and Dad had to hold her back. “He trusted you. He loved you and this is how you repay him?”

You held your cheek and stared at her wide eyed. “Mom–”

“You are not my daughter! My daughter isn’t a junkie. My daughter wouldn’t kill her own brother.”

Two police officers appeared and one of them calmed Mom while the other one and Dad came up to you. His brows furrowed as his eyes darted all over you but when he figured none of the blood is yours, he relaxed a bit and hugged you tight. You were stiff though and focused on Mom even when he pulled back and cupped your cheek.

“You’re alright. You’re— I’m glad your alright.” Dad choked out but his expression softens when he notices your gaze on Mom. “She doesn’t mean it. She’s not thinking straight because of… everything. But none of this is your fault. Okay? You brought your brother here. You got him safe so I— we don’t blame you.”

As soon as he finished, a police officer cuffed your hands behind your back. You looked at Dad as they began to read your rights. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. He didn’t look like he wanted this to happen. You looked at Mom as she talked to the other officer.

“I never wanted Dean to get hurt, Mom. I didn’t mean for this to happened. I never wanted—“ She didn’t look at you. “Mom, please listen to me. Mom… I– I made them pay. They won’t hurt Dean ever again.”

Confused, Dad looks at you. “What do you mean by that?”

“They’re gone. The ones who hurt Dean… they won’t hurt him again. They won’t be bothering us no more.”

His eyes widen with worry. “What did you do?”

“It doesn’t matter, Dad. They won’t bother us no more.” You step towards him but the officer pulls you back. “Th—they won’t drag me away again. I won’t be like that again, Dad, I promise. Please.”

“Alright, enough talking, young lady.” The police officer began to tug you towards the exit but you fought back.

A crowd of students surrounded you, cheering and egging on the fight between you and the cheer captain–popular girl, Chrissy. You had her pinned down and swung at her like it was a game of whack-a-mole. Just outside the crowd laid her two friends, bloody and bruised.

Your mind was fuzzy to remember the details but you knew it started when the popular trio had to open their mouths and insult you all because you accidentally bumped into Chrissy. It ticked you off and it didn’t help that your emotions were heightened due to the drugs in your system.

You pulled her hair and brought her closer to your face. “You and you stupid ass friends should’ve kept ya fucking mouth shut.”

“Kiss my ass, Portman.” Chrissy glared up at you, her nose bloody and staining her pearly white teeth. “At least I’m not a fucking junkie.”

You scoffed. “Stop pretending you’re better than me ‘cause you ain’t.”

“But I am.” She laughed. “I’m everything you’re not. Smart. Pretty. Successful. Loveable. Unlike you, my family loves me. They are proud of me. They didn’t kick me out for being a fucking disappointment.”

Your teeth grinded against each other and your breathing turned shallow and not because of the fighting. Dad’s words rang in your ear, his expression vivid as he said the truth. You were the worst daughter. You were a disappointment. A pang hit your heart, so painful you thought you were stabbed, and it sent a prickling sensation behind your eyes but you forced it down and instead let out an angry yell that scratched the walls of your throat.

You threw your fist back, twisting your torso with it, and right as you were going to swing, someone wrapped their arms around you and dragged you away. You yelled and thrashed in their hold, hurling insults at them and at Chrissy when you saw her condescending smile. You hated her. You hated her.

“Calm down, Queen.” Bobby said through groans.

“I’m gonna kill her. Imma fucking kill her!”

The entire way to the hangout you were fuming, your whole body boiling so hot that the cold air would turn into white steam when it touched your face. The urge to run back to school and finish what you started was strong and if it weren’t for Bobby and Jack holding you back, you would have.

The guys finally let go once inside and dropped onto the couch but the adrenaline was still running through your veins so you couldn’t rest. You paced back and forth, mumbling snarky remarks while running your hands through your hair.

“Queen,” Will grabbed your arm and narrowed his eyes at you. “If you don’t calm down…”

“’Calm down’?” You looked at him like he grew a second head. He can’t be serious right now. “How do you want me to calm down? I was this fucking close in ending her when Bobby pulled me away— why did you pulled me away?” You yell at the boy sitting on the couch.

“‘Cause I told him too.” Answered Will.

It caught you off guard and you were temporarily left speechless. For the most part, Will let you be and rarely interfered with your affairs especially when it came to fights. So the sudden intervention was odd.

“Why?”

He hesitated and then, “You were doing too much.”

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing and coming from Will. The same guy who robbed a corner store because the owner caught him stealing and didn’t let it slide. The same guy who fought a person until they were unconscious because they tried to scam him. And if anything, you weren’t doing enough.

He must have been doing a new drug, it’s the only reasonable explanation he said the stupidest thing. With the realization, the whole thing seemed so ludicrous and you couldn’t stop the small laugh from escaping you.

“What the hell is so funny?” Will’s question only made you laugh harder. How could he not see how stupid this situation was or were the drugs messing with his already messed up head?

Too distracted, you didn’t notice the rage building on Will’s face or the boys except for Todd leaving the room. Not until his nails dig through the fabric of your hoodie and shoved you back until you hit one of the pillars in the hangout. Your laughter came to a halt but a smile took its place as you stared at him.

“I asked you a fucking question, Queen.”

A soft breath blew past your nostrils, sounding a mixture of a scoff and a laugh. “Are you hearing yourself, right now? This whole fucking situation is funny, my king.“

His eyes darted between yours and his brows furrowed slightly. “You’re so fucked up you ain’t got a clue what you did?”

The corners of your mouth fell, your teeth grinder against each other and your eyes darken. He was saying it like you did something horrible, something unforgivable. “‘What I did’ was teach that bitch a fucking lesson! They ran their mouths— talking ‘bout shit they don’t know!”

One of Will’s hands left your arm and came up to your face. His fingers dug into your cheeks and pressed against your teeth. “Don’t…” he pushed through gritted teeth, “raise your voice at me.”

Your nostrils flared as harsh puffs of air passed them. You didn’t respond not because you’re afraid— you’re not— but because Will’s breaking point was just like yours. It was random and explosive. His rage was so ínstense, it blinds him to the point he doesn’t know who’s a friend and who’s a foe.

Will sighed and cupped your face and laid his forehead against yours. “I understand, Queen. But there’s a time and place for shit and school wasn’t it. You jeopardize not only yourself, but us too.”

“I’m sorry.” You whispered.

“I know you are.” He pressed a gentle but cold kiss on your lips. “I’m gonna go somewhere and I want you to stay here and sober up. Don’t go anywhere. You hear me?”

“Yes.”

You lasted only a few hours before ditching the prison you were in. You gave Will your word but there was only so much a girl could take without any entertainment or coming down from a high. Your mind was still foggy and most of the day was a blur but one thing was clear.

The school came into view. The parking lot was filled despite it being after hours. A few people were walking inside and you catched a glimpse of the crowd inside holding snacks, drinks and some had signs.

You wiped your nostrils with a sniffle and walked towards the back of the school. After the fight in the morning, you weren’t going to be accepted with open arms and surprisingly, you weren’t in the mood to cause a scene. There was a door with a dingy lock that depending on how you moved it, you could unlock it without a key or by picking at it.

The hallway was dimly lit when you got inside and pitched black in the places the faint glow of the light couldn’t reach. The echoes of voices bounced off the walls with the occasional cheers before being muffled by the shut of a door. You pulled your hood up and followed the noise.

You kept your head down when you approached the lit up hallways where tickets were being sold and the strong smell of popcorn and hotdogs from the concession stands took up most of the air. You made a b-line towards the double doors and when you opened them, the cold air of the rink touched your face as the cheers screamed in your ears.

The second period had just started and the home team was winning by two points. You walked behind the stands making sure not to trip on the poles in the dimly lit area before popping out on the other side. You watched the game but soon a specific player got all your attention.

Dean played almost all period, the coach barely switching him out unlike his other teammates would. You could see why. Dean was giving his all. He was going after the puck any chance he got, tackled his opponents when he needed to and made his shots.

He got much better the last time you saw him and you couldn’t help the proud smile that formed on your lips as you watched him. But the more you watched, the more the smile turned bittersweet.

He improved but you weren’t there to congratulate him or hype him up. You weren’t there to cheer for him during his first game as a starter or celebrate his win. You missed so much and not just with hockey. You didn’t know how his date with that one girl went or if they made it official. Who knows what else you missed because of Will and the others.

You were supposed to be Dean’s number one fan. His number one supporter. You were supposed to be there. You were supposed to be his sister. But now, you were a stranger.

How could you let that happen?

The buzzer echoed through the rink and half the crowd cheered along Dean’s team at their win. You could clearly hear Dean over the noise and you smiled when he threw his hands in the air before punching his teammates in the shoulder. He was happy. It’d be for the best if he doesn’t see you.

However, you couldn’t force yourself to walk away. You didn’t want to. You might be everything bad but he was your brother— your other half— and you’ve been away for too long. You didn’t realize it until you saw him.

The parking lot was almost empty by the time Dean walked out. He was alone and his once happy expression was gloomy. It pulled on your heartstrings and it got worse when he walked in the opposite direction of the parking lot.

He was really alone.

Before you could register it, you were walking out of the shadows and towards him. “Baby D.”

He stopped and his head perked up but only a second before he shook his head and continued walking. You weren’t loud but in the quiet of the evening, it was clear that you said it so it concerned you that he thought he was hearing things.

“Baby D!” Your footsteps grew longer and faster until you were right behind him, reaching for him.

Right then Dean glanced over his shoulder and locked eyes with you. They widened as your name fell from his lips, surprised and gleeful and in a blink of an eye, he turned on his heels and wrapped his arms around you.

“You’re here.” He whispered like he was confirming it.

You weren’t a stranger to Dean’s affectionate nature but after being away for so long and your emotions heightened because of the drugs, the simple action made you emotional. You didn’t realize how much you missed him until now.

“Long time no see.” You whispered, not trusting your voice to its full potential, and patted his back.

He laughed. He pulled back and you quickly blinked the tears away and put on a smile. “What are you doing here?”

“Came to see my baby brother play, of course.” You said like it was the obvious answer. “You did amazing in there. Taking names, kicking ass just like a real pro.” You joked but the smile mile genuinely. “I’m proud of you.”

Dean laughed it off but it meant a lot, you could see it in his eyes. “You saw all of it? Where were you ‘cause I didn’t see you in the stands?”

“I…” you stared at him, seeing the twinkle in his eyes and the smile on his face, you didn’t want to erase it but you didn’t want to lie to him. You couldn’t with Dean. “I didn’t want anyone to see me.”

The air shifted at your confession. The sunny day seemed to dim as if a grey cloud had moved over both your heads. Dean’s smile faltered before disappearing completely. He knew the tone; he knew you didn’t just mean anyone. You also meant him and your parents.

His gaze lowered but he couldn’t hide the pain in his eyes because of your confession but there was more to it. You could tell it wasn’t only because of it. For the past month, you thought the fallout with Dad only affected you two but unbeknownst to you, it affected Dean and probably Mom too. They were hurting just as much as you were.

“Baby D…” What could you say to make the cut hurt less? It was already healing so why would you reopen it and rub salt on it? It’s for the best if you move on. You have moved one. “You hungry? How ‘bout we go to the diner we used to go to? The one where we got sick ‘cause we drank three milkshakes in a row.”

He laughed softly at the memory and he looked at you, the pain no longer visible in his eyes, and smiled. “They were so good so it was worth it.”

The diner wasn’t busy for the evening. A few tables were filled but most of the quiet buzz was by the lunch counter. You sat in a corner booth in the back, by the windows and away from most of the buzz.

“What are you gonna get?” Asked Dean as he scanned the menu.

“Maybe just a milkshake and fries. ‘M not that hungry. But you get whatever you want.”

His eyes peek over the menu and they softened before he put it down and smiled softly. “I’ll get that too.”

You smiled and shook your head. “I know damn well that game drained you and left you starving. Plus you’re a growing boy.” He rolled his eyes. “So you better pick something else. Like a burger or a steak– something big. And if you don’t finish it, you can take it home.”

“But—“

“No buts.”

Dean listened and ordered a big meal while you ordered a milkshake and fries. Once the food hit the table, he gobbled it up like it was his first meal in months. You smiled at the sight and laughed when he choked due to eating too fast. He slowed down then and you two talked as you ate. About anything; hockey, his love life, school, his friends drama

The conversation continued as you walked Dean home, a styrofoam container in his hands with the leftovers from his meal. You were laughing and joking around, teasing each other and acting like you used to. Before the fallout. Before you met Will and the others. You were the Portman Twins again.

“So,” Dean casted a wary glance towards you before looking in front of him. “How is your new life?”

“Don’t.”

“‘Don’t’ what?”

You stopped and gave him a stern look. “Don’t ruin what we have going on. We’re doing good. We’re having a nice time so don’t ruin it with stupid questions.”

His brows furrowed slightly as his eyes rounded and darted between yours. His lips that were in a straight line and faintly pursed together. “So I can’t ask my own sister how she’s doing?”

“I’m doing fine.”

“‘You’re doing fine’?” You nodded and he scoffed and said your name harshly. “You beat three girls to the point they’re gonna miss days, maybe weeks of school. You look homeless and starving. You’re high almost all the time and that’s the light stuff. You don’t even wanna know the other things I hear about you. You’re not doing fine!”

It surprised you but also hurt to know that despite trying to keep the ugly side of your new life away from Dean, it still reached him. No matter how hard you tried not to taint the image he had of you further, you did more without knowing.

Your name fell from his lips but this time it’s softer. “They don’t care about you. That piece of… shit doesn’t love you. He never did— because you don’t mess up someone you love.”

You stared at him, not blinking to dry the tears that threaten to show. He was right, you know it but you’re too far in deep to do anything or even care. In your state, Will and the others are the only ones to accept you. The only ones to let you live with them. Anyone else would shut the door.

“Please.” Dean grabbed your hand. “Come back home. Come back to us.”

Except your fam—

“Queen.”

You pulled your hand away and a coldness washed over your features as you turned to look at Todd. The sudden change startled Dean. It was like looking at a stranger and not his sister.

”Keep walking.” You told Dean.

He didn’t move though. Instead, he straightened his back, puffed his chest out and held his head high as he too looked at Todd. His brows lowered and pinched together, forming a line in between them, his nostrils scrunched up above his scowl, and clenched jaw.

It warmed your heart but as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared. You didn’t deserve his care or protection. You didn’t deserve anything from Dean.

You cupped his cheek and made him look at you. “Keep walking. I’ll catch up.”

Dean held your gaze before huffing annoyed and doing what you said. His footsteps were small and slow so instead of waiting for him, you walked towards Todd.

Disdain was written all over your face as you harshly turned Todd so his back faced Dean. “What?”

Todd went to smack your hand but you dodge it. “Will wants you at the hangout.”

“Tell him I’m busy.” He scoffed and glanced behind his shoulder but you were quick to force his attention back. “I’m over here.”

He sneered and he was about to do something but then paused. He stared at you and slowly, a glint shone in his eyes and the sneer turned into a cold smirk. “Surprised you two still talk. Thought he ditched you like your parents did.”

His words struck the right nerve with the perfect amount of force that had it stinging. You hated how Todd knew what buttons to push and how easy it was for him.

You hated him.

Your hands curled into fists. “You better shut up.”

He didn’t listen. “Your own parents— your own blood— kicked you out. They don’t want none to do with you. It’s only reasonable to think your precious baby brother thinks the same.”

“Shut up.”

“Can’t blame them though. Look how you turned out. A soon to be dropout who can barely function without some co—“

You gripped his shirt to the point you could hear the seams tearing and shoved him against the nearest building. There were so many things you wanted to do to him, so many things to hurt him physically and mentally. You struggled to choose one and ended up just glaring at him in silence.

“C’mon, Queen. Whatcha gonna do—“ Todd’s taunting faded as you wrapped a hand around his neck and squeezed. This was it. You were finally going to make your thoughts a reality.

Dean said your name in an uneasy tone. You looked in his direction and your whole body went rigid, not because people had stopped to stare and whisper but because of his scared expression. Like a toddler not knowing what was going on but knew that something bad could happen. He was innocent like one too and you weren’t going to contaminate him.

He already heard enough things about you; he didn’t need to see it too. He didn’t need to see who you became, how messed up you truly were.

You dropped your hands back to your side and held yourself back when Todd smirked. “Tell Will I’ll be there when I’ll be there.”

“He wants you there now.”

“I ain’t gonna repeat myself. Now go, you fucking lap dog.” You sneered and didn’t wait for him to answer and walked towards Dean. Your expression faltered. He looked conflicted, scared and in disbelief like he didn’t believe what just happened. Like he didn’t want to believe you were a new person.

You stopped before you could reach the driveway of where you used to live. Dean didn’t realize it until he stepped onto it. He looked at you but before he could say anything, you spoke.

“Tell Mom and… Dad you were out with a friend. That you had fun and they needed to get home to do homework that’s why they didn’t get off–.”

“I’m not gonna tell them that.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No. I’m gonna tell them I spent time with my sister. We talked and had fun—”

“And how’d you think they’re gonna take that, huh? You think they’re gonna be all happy and celebrate?” You scoffed and ran your hands over your hair and pulled at the ends. You sighed and looked at Dean. “I changed. I ain’t the same, Dean. You heard and seen the things I do… it’s time you accept it.”

“I won’t.” He stated, voice laced with frustration. “I don’t care about none of it ‘cause I know you’re still in there. My sister is still there, buried underneath this… hell. You think there's no way out— no light but there is. ”

“And what’s that?”

“Us. Me, mom and Dad. We’re there for you when you need us or don’t. Nothing’s gonna change that.”

Your expression softened and a stinging grew behind your eyes before they turned glossy. You wanted to believe it, you truly did but after what you said to Dad and everything you've done since, you don’t think your parents would want you back.

Just then, Mom called Dean and a second later, she appeared next to him but his attention was on you which made her follow his gaze. Her eyes widened and her mouth gaped open. In two quick strides, she was in front of you, caressing your cheek as she looked in your eyes. You stared at her with a brave facade but then she whispered your name like a question and you couldn’t hold back.

“Hi, Mommy.”

The breath she had been holding in leaves her then and she instantly held you in her arms. “You’re really here. You’re really— You came back home.” She cried and it broke your heart. She pulled back and caressed your face again as she looked at you with teary eyes. “I knew you would come back on your own. You just needed some time, didn’t you?”

You didn’t want to break her heart but you couldn’t let her have false hope. “Mom—“

“It’s alright, sweetheart. It doesn’t matter what you did. You’re here now and that’s all that matters.” She smiled so warmly, so happy. It made it harder. “You look hungry. Why don’t you wash up while I make you—“

She grabbed your hand and tugged you towards the house but you stopped her. “I’m not staying.” You blurted out. The joy drained from her face, the smile faltering and the hope in her eyes dimmed. You couldn’t bear it and looked away. “I just came to drop off Dean. Nothing more. You weren’t even supposed to see me.”

Her hand went stiff around your hand just like the rest of her body. An apology was at the tip of your tongue, ready to take back your words and make her happy again, but you bit it back. No false hope.

“You’re not…” Mom couldn’t finish her sentence because then it would be real. She cupped your cheeks and tilted your head so you could look at her. “You know your father didn’t mean it. He was just trying to protect you. He didn’t want you to make the same mistakes he did… he loves you, you know that. He cares about you.”

It was nice to hear, even if you didn’t believe it. You forced a smile and pulled her hands away from your face. ”It was nice seeing you, Mom.“

You glanced at Dean before walking away and you didn’t look back. Not even when Dad ran out the house and called your name.

You took your time getting to the hangout, purposely taking the long routes and taking small and slow strides. Mom and Dean’s words kept replaying in your mind plus Dad calling your name. You didn’t know if your heart ached with no much yearning or because it simply hurt.

Maybe you could repair the damage you caused and go back home. But you were scared. Of what? Maybe it was because you didn’t know if you could forget everything you did and said and go back to living like you had before things went downhill. You couldn’t see yourself being the same girl from before.

Maybe it was too late. This was your new life. Your only life.

Night had fallen by the time you reached the hangout and you could see the orange glow from the fires through the openings. You composed yourself and made sure there wasn’t any trace of your conflicted feelings before walking in.

Edith and May sat on the couches talking, Bobby and Jack were playing a game, and Todd sat on the table smoking a blunt. Will stood in the middle of everything, drinking from a brand new bottle that was half empty.

It went silent the moment your presence was known. The air became thick and cold. All eyes were on you as you made your way towards Will, pushing the tension between you two until it was seconds away from exploding.

“I’m here.”

He didn’t say anything or moved a muscle. He stared at you, eyes emotionless just like the rest of his face. You held his gaze while keeping your expression neutral. He was trying to intimidate you but you weren’t going to fall for it.

Will nodded then motioned with his head. You turned around and as soon as you did, you were hit on the side of your face. It was fast and hard and the pain didn’t fully settle before you received another hit from the opposite direction. Then another. Then another.

You tried fighting back but the hits made your vision fuzzy so your coordination was nonexistent. Bobby managed to put his arms under your armpits and held your arms back while Jack used you as his personal punching bag, punching, kicking, and kneeing any and everywhere.

However, with every pain they inflicted on you, an anger grew inside of you. They think they could hurt you without consequences. You were the queen and they were the peasants.

You jumped as high as you could in Bobby’s hold and kicked Jack in the stomach with all your power. He fell back groaning in pain as he held his stomach. You then headbutted Bobby and when his grip loosened, you turned and kneed his groin twice before punching his face. You then walked up to Jack and delivered the final blow with a kick to his head.

It should satisfy you. Your ego should be glowing at the fact you teached them a lesson. But you were too angry to feel the ecstasy.

Your breathing was shallow and you limp slightly as you turn to look at Will, grimacing in pain but the glare didn’t falter. “What the hell was that?”

He was offended by the question before anger covered his features. “Don’t act surprised, my queen. You know exactly why you deserved this.”

“No, I fucking don’t.”

“Let me refresh your mind then.” He walked towards you as his voice turned high pitched. “‘That piece of shit don’t fucking love you’. ‘That piece of shit don’t care about you’.”

Shit.

“Remember now?” Will stopped right in front of you, his icy cold blue eyes burning holes into you. His hand cupped your cheek but it was cold and harsh like sandpaper against your skin. It moved to the back of your head, threading his fingers through your hair before gripping it right to the point it felt like he was going to rip it out. “Well, this piece of shit let you into his fucking home when no one else did. This piece of shit gave you everything when your own fucking family took it from you. You ungrateful bitch!”

He backhanded you so hard, you fell on the cement floor, landing on your stomach. The combination of it and the hits you already had, it was enough to leave you breathless. You tasted copper but you didn’t know if it was because of Will or Jack and Bobby. Will pulled your head back and you felt something sharp and cold against your neck.

“I don’t understand, my queen.” Will whispered in your ear, his hot breath distracted you a little from the blade. “You were loyal to me. You wouldn’t let anyone disrespect your king. Why is this different?”

He already knew the answer but it wasn’t why you stayed quiet. You made a promise to yourself and you weren’t going to break it. It didn’t matter if there's a knife to your throat.

Todd walked into your view, staring down at you with a cold, malicious smirk. “Maybe we should also punish your precious baby brother for disrespecting the king.”

“You lay a finger on Dean and I will fucking kill you!” Your yell scratched the walls of your throat and echoed through the hangout.

Todd laughed and crouched to your level. “Your threats might scare those poor fuckers but I ain’t one of them. You’re a fucking ant and I am the boot that can crush you at any time.”

“Then you better do it before I make you fucking regret not—”

“That’s enough!” barked Will. He pointed the knife at Todd. “You mind your own fucking business! This between me and her!” He then looked at you and dragged the smoothed side of the knife down your jaw and neck. “This is the first and last time you pull some stupid shit like this. Next time, I won’t show mercy. Imma make sure you all regret it. I don’t care if it’s your dad or your brother. You hear me?”

Beads of sweat drip down the side of your face and neck, soaking your undershirt. Strands of hair had gotten loose from your braid and now stick to your neck and face. Your chest rises and falls as you control your breathing and try not to choke while squirting water into your mouth.

“You’re all doing good out there.” Praises Coach Orion. “You’re getting through their defense, avoiding their moves, and especially at keeping that puck away from them. But it’s not enough. We’re tied and I know you’re all tired but this is the last period and we have to make it good. We have to give it our all.”

You felt the pressure before the game even started but now it was undeniable. It was heavy on your shoulders and it made you nervous.

Since arriving at Eden Hall, pressure was all the Ducks felt, between having to prove themselves and proving they belong there. It didn’t matter that they won the Junior Goodwill Games as Team U.S.A. the year before, some saw it as a publicity stunt while others thought they were snobs because of it.

However, after defeating the undefeated Varsity hockey team, The Ducks' status at Eden Hall rocketed and you thought the pressure would be knocked from your shoulders but it only got worse.

Now in the semi-finals and with the score tied, everyone— the Dean, the school, the parents and even The Ducks themselves — were counting on them to win the first championship for the freshman so they had to win this game or else.

Charlie glances at you and while your face doesn’t show your nervousness, your fidgeting hands sure do. Without saying a word, he removes his glove and takes your hand in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

It’s a small gesture but it helped stop your raising mind and calmed you. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. A soft smile breaks on your lips as you give his hand a small thankful squeeze.

The Ducks walk back out onto the ice and you take your position on the red line along with the starters. You look at the opposing player, number 88, and there’s a condescending smirk on his face.

“Ready to lose?” He taunts.

You don’t let it get under your skin and keep focus but looking at his stupid face, you had to make a remark. “Funny. I was going to say the same to you.”

He didn’t like your response but he can only glare at you because the referee blows the whistle then. The puck drops and as soon as it lands on the ice, the third and final period of the game begins.

It was a tough final minutes and The Ducks didn’t hold back but neither did the opposing team. There was a lot of back and forth. Fighting for the puck, keeping the defense up and when the Ducks managed to score, the other team did too a second later.

It was like you were dancing instead of playing hockey and one particular person seemed to prefer you as a partner. Number 88 always was on you whenever you got hold of the puck. It didn’t matter if he was on the other end of the ice or paired with someone else, he always appeared in front of you.

You keep your head in the game but every time he appeared, your focus started to break. His comments only made it harder.

“Just give it up, girly. You’re not a match for me.” He laughs as he’s on defense.

You don’t respond and instead pass the puck to Ken as he passes by, shooting the puck between number 88’s legs. Since he was too occupied with you, Ken had easy access to the goal and scores. You could feel his eyes glaring holes into you as you celebrate with Ken and the others while his couch berates him for leaving it open.

The game continues and soon there's less than a minute left on the clock. The Ducks have possession of the puck and have one last chance to score to win the game. Everyone was at the edge of their seats, cheering louder than before. It was accelerating.

Thirty seconds left, Charlie leads the way towards the other end of the rink with the puck. He passes it to Russ. Russ passes it to Guy. Guy passes it back and Russ passes it to Connie.

Ten seconds left and Connie passes the puck to you. Where you stand, you have a small window open, a small path that is perfect for the puck to hit the corner of the goal and by the time defense can intervene, it'll be too late. So you take the shot as soon as you get the puck.

It’s like time has slowed down. Everyone is silent as they watch the puck soar through the air. Your heart beats fast and you can feel it pulsing in your head and clogging your throat. The puck gets closer and closer to the goal, heading towards the top corner, and the goalie raises his gloved hand up to catch it.

Make it in. Make it in. You think. Please, make it–

The puck misses the glove by a hair width and hits the net. The siren sounds then the buzzer marking the end of the game. The Ducks won and are heading to the finals but no one is cheering. No one is celebrating. No one is happy, not even the Ducks.

Everyone is frozen in their spot– the crowd, the players, the referee, even the children. No one moves a muscle. No one breathes. All eyes focus in the same direction on the ice. It’s silent for a few seconds then a blood curdling scream echoes through the rink, sending a cold shiver down everyone’s spine.

The screaming itself was horrifying but who it came from is what scared The Ducks, especially Charlie. He’s frozen in fear and having trouble understanding what’s happening but another scream, sounding more like a cry, hits his ears. He snaps out of it then and rushes towards the other end of the rink, towards the screaming. Towards you.

It all happened too fast. One second you were on your feet, scoring the winning goal, and the next, you’re sprawled across the ice with a searing pain in your leg. It was like a burning knife stabbed into your knee. You couldn’t move or speak. You couldn’t do anything besides cry out as the pain consumed you.

Charlie kneels by your side and carefully takes your helmet off. The cold air surrounds your face but does nothing to cool your heated skin. Tears fall from your eyes like waterfalls, mixing with your sweat and blurring your vision.

Charlie is saying something but it’s muffled by your cries. Two other people appear on either side of you and begin checking you. A broken scream leaves you when one of them touches your leg and you hold onto Charlie’s arm.

You can faintly hear Dean and Fulton arguing with someone as you’re escorted out on a gurney, getting louder as more people join followed by Coach Orion and someone else trying to deescalate the situation. But through it all, Charlie doesn’t leave your side.

“Hey, hey. It’s going to be okay.” Charlie holds your hand tight. It’s the last thing you feel before your tired body finally has enough and passes out.

You sat on the edge of the hospital bed, staring at the brace around your knee. After some examinations, the doctor had determined you tore your MCL– the ligament in your inner knee that holds your femur and tibia bone together– all the way through. Your knee was basically unstable and loose. You had to get surgery to fix it but it won’t properly heal for another six months and during that time, you can’t put too much pressure on it so no walking much less playing.

It was the last thing you wanted to hear and all because of a stupid injury caused by a stupid guy that couldn’t handle a girl was better than him. It wasn’t fair.

There’s a knock on the door and standing there with a bouquet of flowers and a warm smile was Charlie. “Hey.”

He was like a ray of sunshine that even on the coldest days can warm you up with just a glimpse. So it was hard for you to stay gloomy or fight of the smile forming.

“Hi, Char. Pretty flowers you have there.”

“I hope so since they are your favorites.” He teases before giving them to you with a kiss to your head. You giggle at the gesture and admire the flowers as he pulls up a chair. “So how’s my favorite girl doing?” Your smile falters and the gloomy cloud forms over you again. “That bad, huh?”

You sigh. “Can we talk about something else? I just… I don’t–”

“Yeah, sorry.” He chuckles awkwardly. “Uh, I was thinking, we could go grab something to eat at your favorite place once you get out. As a treat for surviving death.”

You laugh softly at his joke. “I’d like that.”

Two days go by since the day in the hospital and since then, it’s been a struggle for you. You didn’t know how much you use your knee until now as you try not to move or accidentally hit against anything. Then there was the additional care, the ice, the compression, the elevation and the painkillers. But worse was the crutches that took up space and were a pain in the butt.

At home it was tolerable but at school it was another story. During passing periods, most students would walk too close and would hit or get hit by your crutches and look at you like it was your fault. The teachers would berate you for being tardy and barely give you time to leave before the halls were filled. No one seemed to care that you were injured.

But The Ducks did. They cared a lot and helped carry your backpack, lunch, even yourself when you had a class upstairs and the girls helped whenever you needed to use the restroom. It was sweet of them and you were thankful every time but sometime during the seventh help in less than an hour, the sweetness slowly turned sour.

You began to feel weak and helpless especially whenever they helped with the simplest things like getting up to sharpen your pencil or the assignment. Like a baby needing their parents to do anything and everything because they couldn’t function. You could function. You could do things even though it was tougher for you.

So stupidly, you decided to go down the stairs without Fulton’s help. It was after school so the hallways were empty except for the few students staying late for extracurricular activities. You set the crutches down and balance on your good leg while holding onto the rail. You take a deep breath and hop down a step then another. You gain the confidence and hopped down faster but on the last step, your ankle rolls and you tumble down to the floor.

You groaned in pain but fortunately, you landed on your good leg. But unfortunately, Dwayne was passing by and saw you.

He rushes to your side and helps you up and hands you your crutches. “You alright?” He asks, keeping his hands hovering close to you just in case.

“I’m fine, Dwayne.” You grumble, angry at yourself rather than at him.

He doesn’t believe you but doesn’t comment. Dwayne then looks around confused. “Ain’t Fulton supposed to help you with the stairs?”

Your cheeks begin to heat up and you quickly look at the floor. Fulton was in a rush to see a teacher before hockey practice so you lied to him about having someone else to help but Dwayne didn’t need to know that. “He was but I wanted to try on my own but that was a mistake. I see that now.” You laugh it off.

“Right. Just don’t do it again. You can hurt yourself even more.”

“Yeah, I understand. Thanks again… for helping me.”

“You okay?”

Charlie’s voice brings you out of your thoughts. He’d been busy with hockey and homework but finally made good of his promise and took you out to eat at your favorite diner. You were glad for the distracting since a lot of negative thoughts have been plaguing your mind. But it didn’t last long when Charlie had to help you through the diner’s doors and to the back so no one could disturb your situation.

“Mm? Oh, yeah. I’m fine. Just hungry, that’s all.” You brush it off and change the subject. “So, uh, the final is this Friday. Are you excited?”

“Yeah and a little bit nervous.”

“I bet, but you’re going to be great.” You take his hand in yours. “I might not be able to play but I will be there cheering for you from the stands.”

Charlie chuckles. “Like my own personal cheerleader.”

“And temporarily cheerleader because once I’m healed up, I’m going to be on the ice right by your side.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The food soon arrives and you two chat and eat for a good while before Charlie excuses himself to use the bathroom. The buzz of the diner fills in for him and makes you less lonely as you wait. You snack on your food and steal a fry from Charlie’s plate when suddenly your crutches clatter onto the floor, startling you.

“I’m so sorry.” The apology is sarcastic and when you see who said it, you understand why. A humorless laugh leaves number 88 when he sees you. “Look who it is. The brat who had me suspended for the rest of the season.”

You scoff. “That’s your fault actually. You’re the one who illegally tackled me so blame yourself, jerk.”

“I barely hit even hit you but since you’re a stupid girl and so fucking weak, I got in trouble.” He jabs a finger in your shoulder. “If anything, it’s your fault you couldn’t handle a little bit of roughing. Maybe you shouldn’t be playing.”

“If anything,” you mock him and smack his hand away. “It’s your fault that you freaking suck at hockey and maybe you should practice more if you’re so butthurt that a girl is far much better than you.”

He huffs angrily and glares at you but you don’t back down. “Whatever. You got what you deserve, you little brat.” He kicks your crutches further from you and turns to walk away.

You roll your eyes and scoot to the edge of your seat and reach for your crutches with your good leg. But as you do, number 88 comes back and shoves you off the chair. You try to land on your good leg but the fall was too fast and your injured knee hits the floor at just the right angle.

You open your mouth to scream but the pain is so sudden and so strong, it knocks the air from your lungs and prevents you from even making a noise. Number 88 smirks at the sight and mumbles one last insult before walking away. No one had noticed since you were in the corner of the diner and it wasn’t until Charlie came back that you got off the floor.

“What happened?” He asks full of worry.

You stare down at the floor and shake your head as you hold back sobs. “I wanna go home, Char. Please, just take me home.”

You don’t go to school the next day or the day after. Your parents didn’t question it, believing it had to do with your injury, and let you be. You stayed cooped up in your room for most of the time, only coming out to use the bathroom or eat.

But now, since your parents left to do something and your siblings were either with their friends or still at school, you were alone and you were thankful for it. You didn’t need your mom hovering over you, asking if you needed help, or your dad watching your every move just in case.

You’re rummaging through the kitchen when there’s a knock on the door. You sigh and make your way towards it, still struggling a bit with the crutches and accidentally hit the corner of the couch. You open the door and your eyes widen when you see Charlie.

You hadn’t seen him since the incident at the diner and have been avoiding his phone calls since so it was awkward to say the least.

“Char. Hi, uh, what— what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see my girlfriend. Is that okay?” He asks unsure since you clearly looked off gaurd.

“No, that’s—yeah, it’s okay. Um, come in.” You scoot out of the way and close the door behind him. “Do you want anything to drink? Water? Juice?”

“Juice is fine.”

You nod and lead the way to the kitchen. You open a cupboard and frown when you see the cups on the second shelf. You take a deep breath and stand on your tip toes.

“Do you need help?”

“I’m fine.” You’re quick to say and sigh in relief when you get the cup. You grab the juice from the fridge and struggle slightly to keep the door open as you reach for the jug.

“Are you sure you don’t need–”

“I can do it myself, Charlie.” You grumble, already losing patience. Once you’re done pouring the juice, you leave the jug out and grab the cup but instantly pause you realise you won’t be able to carry it while using the crutches. An idea pops in your head and you lay your crutches against the counter.

“What are you–”

You begin to hop towards Charlie but pause when the juice swishes inside the cup. You then hop again. Charlie’s eyes widen and he steps towards you but you raise a hand. You take a breath and hop again, this time juice spills onto the floor.

“You don’t need to do that. I can just–”

“Charlie, I don’t need your help! I can do it my–” The word turns into a gasp when your foot slips on the spilled juice. You instinctively put your hands in front of you to break your fall. Charlie is faster though and reaches you in time but the cup hits the floor and juice spills all over the floor.

“What hell were you thinking? You could have hurt yourself! I could’ve just…” The words die in his mouth when he sees the tears in your eyes and he’s instantly turning soft. “Hey, hey. It’s okay. It’s fine. It was just an accident.”

Charlie helps you to the couch and cleans up the mess and when he joins you a couple of minutes later, your focus was on the floor, tears still in your eyes but some managed to slip down your cheeks, but it’s your fidgeting hands that concern him more.

He says your name and when you don’t respond, he takes your hand in his and says your name again and this time, you look at him. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

You sniffle. “Do you think I’m weak?” You whisper like a toddler scared to ask.

Charlie gets taken aback before he frantically shakes his head. “No, of course I don’t think you’re weak. It never even crossed my mind. You’re the total opposite. You’re the strongest girl I know. Even with an injured knee, you’re stronger than me.”He reassures you. His voice then softens. “Why would you ask that?”

“Because I think so. I can’t do anything without anyone’s help and if I wasn’t, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten injured in the first place.”

“Hey, no, no. You didn’t get injured because you’re weak. You got injured because of that stupid guy that illegally tackled you. Okay? And just because you need help, doesn’t mean you’re weak. Everyone needs help once in a while. I know I do.”

He was right. You sniffle and look down at your intertwined hands. “I just want to do things on my own and not rely so much on everyone.”

Charlie nods before hesitantly asking, “is that why Dwayne found you at the bottom of the stairs?”

You cringe. “He told you, huh?”

“Yeah and after I confronted Fulton about it, it didn’t take a genius to put the pieces together. I didn’t mention it because I thought you would be embarrassed.” Charlie’s expression softens. “That was stupid of you, you know. You could have–”

“Gotten hurt. I know, I know.”

He smiles softly and squeezes your hand. “And you tried the same thing at the diner too?”

You don’t respond right away but when you fidget with Charlie’s hand, his smile drops. He says your name sternly and you know you have to tell him the truth.

“While you were in the restroom, the guy who caused this showed up. Apparently he got suspended for the season and he blamed me. We exchanged some words and as he was leaving, I went to pick up my crutches from the floor since he had knocked them down and he… he shoved me to the ground and called me weak and said I deserved what I got.”

Charlie’s face turns red with anger as he listens to you. He gives your hand a reassuring squeezes before brining you into a hug and whispers sweet nothings into your ear as you softly cry into his shoulder.

An hour goes by and you had calmed down but stayed in his arms as you two watch T.V. One of your siblings arrives and Charlie takes it as his queue to leave but you catch the glint in his eyes and knew what he was going to do. You didn’t try to stop him and only told him to be careful.

The next day after school, Charlie shows up at your door with the assignments you’ve missed. He looked fine for the most part, no bruises or marks on his face, so you thought he didn’t do what he was going to do but as he’s handing you the assignments, you notice his red and swollen knuckles.

“I was careful like I promised.” He says with a proud smile. “But you should’ve seen the other guy cause wow, he was not careful at all.”

A string of curses left your mouth as you rummaged through your drawers, frantically shoving items from side to side before throwing some over your shoulder when they got on your nerves. You were certain you stashed the baggie in one of them and you had to find it because inside it was something very important and Will was going to be on your case for losing it.

After minutes of nothing, you punched the drawers and looked around the room. Where else? You thought. Then your eyes landed on the bed. You lifted the mattress and a smile broke onto your lips once you spotted it.

You grabbed the baggie and let the mattress fall with a hard thump. You opened it up and grabbed a pinch of the white powder before inhaling it. It stung for a second but then the magic started working. You were happy for a brief second until someone said your name.

You quickly wiped your nose and stuffed the baggie in your backpocket as you turned around. “Hey, Baby D. What’s up?” You laughed softly.

He frowned and eyed your nose. “You got a little—“ You wiped excess off. “You lucky it was me and not Mom or Dad.”

“Ain’t I the luckiest, eh?” You laughed.

“You didn’t forget what today is?” Dean asked instead.

You smiled and approached him, bringing him closer by the shoulder. “How could I forget? It’s the only thing you’ve been talking ‘bout the past week.”

“And you’re going to be there right?”

“My baby brother’s finally gonna play as a starter, uh-fucking-course Imma be there and Imma go crazy.”

Dean grins. “You already are.”

“Fucking hilarious.”

You both laughed but then Dean turned serious. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

Dean’s team huddled around his coach as he explained the plays he wanted them to do. Dean watched as he talked and scribbled on the clipboard but at some point, it became a blur.

He looked towards the stands. Amongst the crowd, Mom and Dad were on the highest seats, looking proud as they held a sign with his name and jersey number. For a second, the corner of his lips quirked upward but when he saw the empty seat next to Mom, it fell. His eyes wandered towards the entrance of the rink, watching as people were still walking in with others or food but none were you.

Maybe she’s running late. Dean thought and kept thinking throughout the game but every time he looked at the stands, the seat was still empty. You weren’t here and he knew why.

With one eye closed and a ping pong ball in one hand, Todd tried eyeballing his shot. Four of the ten cups were already empty but that was nothing compared to his six empty ones. By then, the alcohol was working. He was losing his balance while standing still and failing to keep his hand steady. It didn’t help that he took some shots before.

A noise between a scoff and a laugh sounded from the other side of the table, drawing Todd’s attention. Standing there with a relaxed posture and a condescending smirk was you.

“C’mon, Toddy boy.” You taunted and the smirk grew when he sneered. “Stop with that bullshit. We know you ain’t gonna make it so save us the trouble and throw in the towel.”

You heard Will’s low chuckle from behind you along with the laughter of your other friends— Bobby, Jack, May and Edith. Todd glared at them before looking back at you. “Shut up.” He mumbled but even then you could hear the faint slur of his voice.

You laughed. “Hit me with your best shot then.”

He went back to eyeballing his shot and threw the ping pong. It bounced off the rim of a red cup and landed on the ground, bouncing a few times before rolling away. “Fuck!” Todd slammed his fist on the table.

It’s your turn and you mocked Todd’s actions resulting in him flipping you off. You focused then and threw the first ball. Vodka splashed onto the table as it landed perfectly inside the cup. Then the second, third, and lastly forth. You laughed in his face.

Todd begrudgingly drank each cup, gulping down the liquid in one go before quickly drinking the next cup. He loved drinking but the fact he’s drinking because he’s losing and to you, he hates it.

Will’s hands snaked their way around your hips and pulled you until you’re flushed against his body. “That’s my girl.” He whispered into your ear before kissing your cheek.

You giggled and laid your arms on his shoulders and brought him into a kiss. His arms tightened around you as he kissed back.

“Get a room.” Todd grumbled annoyed.

“You’re just jealous.” May teased.

“Jealous of what?”

Jack laughed. “You’re not his main bitch no more.“ His laughter grew when Bobby smacked him while bursting out laughing.

Todd glared at them then shook his head and took one of your cups and downed it in seconds. By then, you and Will had stopped kissing and were looking at him amused. Todd huffed and muttered something under his breath before walking to the other side of the abandoned warehouse and pulling out a bud to smoke, something he also liked.

Even after two months of you and Will dating, Todd was still acting like he did when you two first met. Like he was the only thing Will needed. It irritated you but you stopped caring after the first week. He couldn’t get under your skin anymore and there was no fun in that so Todd had lessened his hatred, distaste or whatever he felt towards you. Now he was like an annoying little brother that you had to deal with.

A new conversation sparked up and Will pulled you down on his lap, holding you close as he took the bottle of vodka from Jack. He took a swing then put the bottle between your lips, purposely lifting it higher so some of the alcohol spills down your chin.

“You’re not funny.” You said between coughs and he only laughed.

After some time, Todd made his way back towards the group. Smoke flowed out his nostrils before he puffed it out through his mouth. He approached you and put the bud between his lips so he could move your legs. “‘Scuse me, your highness.” He muttered sarcastically.

You looked at him unimpressed. It wasn’t funny the first time and it wasn’t funny now. Sadly, the others thought otherwise and entertained the comment.

“So Queen.” May grinned widely and you raised an eyebrow. “When are you inviting that sexy brother of yours?”

You grimaced. “Don’t talk about Dean like that.”

“What? I’m just saying how I see it. Am I right?” She asked Edith who agreed with a giggle.

“He’s a kid.”

Will rolled his eyes. “Here we go.”

Bobby looked confused. “Ain’t you twins?”

“That doesn’t change the fact he still looks like a kid.” You said matter-of-fact while glaring at him. “Puberty hasn’t even hit him.”

Will smirked and brushed his lips against your earlobe. “But it hit you.” You ignored him.

May shrugged and shared a look with Edith. “I see his potential.” Both girls giggled.

Your jaw clenched down hard and your lips curled upward making your flared nostrils crinkle. Will smiled at the sight, knowing well what was going to happen, and didn’t try to stop you when you got up and marched towards the girls.

Their confusion soon changed into fear when you lifted them off the couch by their hair. They hissed in pain and grabbed your wrists like it’d make you ease up.

“Don’t you ever talk about my brother like that— don’t even mention him again or you’re gonna end up at the bottom of Lake Michigan.” You said through gritted teeth and pulled their hair tighter. “Do I make myself clear?”

May and Edith whined in pain before nodding as best as they could without making things worse.

“Say it!” You yelled.

“We understand!” The girls cried out.

You stared down at them. A sick part of you liked the sight of them squirming and fearing for their life. It boosted your ego to know you could cause this type of reaction.

You let them go after a few seconds. Edith rubbed her head and had the decency to look sorry but May was the opposite. She glared at you as you walked back to the couch. “Can’t you take a fucking joke?”

You stopped and Will chuckled with a shake of his head. Your face was devoid of emotion when you looked at her. “What’d you say?”

“It was a fucking jo—“

Before she could finish her sentence, you’re wrapping a hand around her neck and squeezing it until the word died in her throat. “It was what?” You growled. May tried to answer but you squeezed harder. “I can’t hear you.”

You watched her claw at your arm and chest as the color slowly drained from her face. Panic settled in. Her mouth gaped open like a fish out of water. She was close to passing out but Will, with no urgency or hurry in his voice, said your nickname.

Reluctantly, you let go and May immediately bent over coughing and gasping for air. The noise was disgusting and the others cringed but not you.

“Next time, leave the joking to Todd ‘cause you fucking suck— which is the only thing you’re good at.”

Will was already offering the bottle to you when you turned to him. You grabbed it and took a long swing, drinking like you hadn’t drank in years. Some of the alcohol fell from the corners of your mouth, down your chin and onto your shirt but you paid no mind. You then looked at everyone.

“My brother is off limits! I don’t want none of ya talking about Dean and if ya even dare to, you’ll be dead before you hit the ground! You hear me? He ain’t gonna get involved. He’s gonna be a good kid, get good grades and be the best fucking hockey player in Chic— Shit!”

You dropped the bottle and sprinted towards the door.

You sprinted past people on the sidewalk, not bothering to yell a half hearted apology when you accidentally bump into them. You crossed streets without a care which caused you to almost get run over three times but you didn’t care. All that’s on your mind was Dean.

“Queen!” Will’s voice reached your ears but you didn't stop. He then stopped right in front of you on a bike that most certainly wasn’t his. “Get on.”

You didn’t question him and hopped on. You held onto him as he went as fast as he could but it wasn’t enough for you. Logically it was way faster than running but being still didn’t help calm your nerves and for a moment, you thought about running again.

You arrived at the rink in a couple of minutes and didn't wait for Will to stop before hopping off. You tripped over your feet but you’re quick to get your balance and sprinted inside.

The rink was supposed to be filled with loud cheers and hollers from the crowd. The sound of skates scraping the ice as the players played. The yelling of the coaches. It was supposed to be filled with energy. But when you burst through the doors, you were met with emptiness.

“It ain’t a big deal. You’ll go to his next game.” Will told you as you two walked back to the abandoned warehouse.

“Right? It ain’t like I broke my promise and missed the most important event.” You replied sarcastically before scoffing. ”I don’t expect you to understand since you don’t fucking care so how ‘bout you shut up.”

In a blink of an eye, Will pinned you against the side of a building, his fingers digging into the skin of your shoulders as he stared down at you. His upper lip curled and the blue of his eyes turned cold as they narrowed. You stared at him intensely without moving or speaking.

It was silent for a moment but then he cupped your cheek and he smirked before a low chuckle left him. “You’re right, my queen. I don’t but Dean fucking does. You better hope he won so he don’t gotta think about how you failed him.”

A pang hit your heart and spread all over your chest and despite not showing it, Will could see it in your eyes. He struck the right nerve. You scowled and gripped his shirt, a remark that was sure to escalate things on the tip of your tongue but you swallowed it back last minute.

As much as it hurt to hear, he was right. You failed Dean.

“Whatever.” You let go of his shirt. “I don’t wanna deal with this right now so lets just get to the hangout. ”

It was night time by the time you went home and while usually you’d climb the side of the house to your bedroom window, you were too out of it and uncoordinated to do so without breaking a bone. You grabbed the key stashed in one of the flower pots and opened the door as quietly as possible.

The house was pitch black and quiet, which should’ve been your first warning. You shut the door and headed for the stairs but the munchies decided to hit you then and led you to the kitchen instead. You grabbedwhatever you saw. It didn’t matter if it was cold leftovers or stale chips, you ate it.

You were chugging the milk from the carton when the kitchen lights turned on. Whoever did it, didn’t say a word so you thought it was either Dad or Dean. You prepared yourself but when you turned around, you relaxed.

“Hi, Mommy.” You smiled.

Mom crossed the kitchen in two long strides and hugged you. “Thank goodness you’re home. I was starting to worry.”

You laughed softly and hugged her back. “I’m fine. I was hanging out with Will and them and lost track of time. But I’m here now.”

Mom pulled back and smiled softly as she ran a hand over your hair. Her expression was relaxed, content to know her only daughter was safe and home, but you could still see the worry and the tiredness in her eyes. She’d been waiting for you all night even though she had work in the morning.

You felt bad and were going to say something but another voice came out.

“Look who finally decided to show up.” Dad stood by the entrance with arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

Mom gave him a stern look. “She’s here and that’s enough.” She looked back at you, expression now soft. “I bet you’re tired so why don’t you head to bed.”

“She’s not going anywhere.” Dad glared at you.

You didn’t say a word and stared at Dad as he ripped you a new one. His brows were permanently pinched together and his lips in a sneer that had his nose scrunching up. When he got too worked up, he’d run his hands over his hair, slightly pulling at the ends, before laying them on his hips.

But it was his voice that got to you. The anger and frustration was loud and clear but you could hear the disappointment and sadness lying beneath it. The way the emotions made his voice tremble when he emphasized how how distraught Dean was because of your absence and how worried Mom was.

It was getting to you and you couldn’t hold back the emotions any longer.

”I’m sorry, alright! I get it! I messed up, I know. I’ll make it up to him.”

Dad’s brows shot up before furrowing. “And how exactly are you going to do that?”

“I don’t know—” He scoffed. “But I will.”

He took a deep breath and slowly said your name. “There is nothing you can do to make it up to Dean. You broke your promise and nothing can fix that broken trust. And you know what infuriates me more? It's because of that low life.”

You slammed your hands on the island. “Don’t you bring Will into this! He got nothing to do with it.”

“Really? Then explain to me why you were with him instead of at the rink cheering your brother on?”

“For your information, Will was the one who took me to the rink. If it wasn’t for him, I would have—“

“What? Missed the game?“ Dad scoffed. ”Oh, he did a wonderful job.”

Your nails dug into your palms as your face burned hot with anger. “At least he was trying to help! Or can’t you not see past your unreasonable hatred for him to admit it was nice of him to do so?”

“Not when he’s the reason why you needed help in the first place! You were too busy hanging out with him and those other low lifes to remember your brother’s game much less anything else that doesn’t revolve around you. How could you be so selfish, huh?”

“Selfish? I’ve been there for Dean more than you and Mom. I was at all his practices and games. I was the one to help him with school, hockey, life. I was the one he went to when kids picked on him. I was the one to teach them a lesson. My whole life revolved around Dean but ‘cause I missed one game, I’m selfish?”

You scoffed. ”And you really wanna talk about low lifes? Fine. What about you and your little friends, Dad?” Dad gave you a warning look but you challenged it. “Grandma told me the stories. The things you did. She hated them but that didn’t stop you, did it?”

Dad’s glare hardened and his jaw clenched to the point the vein on his neck bulged out like a pimple ready to burst. “That’s it. You’re done with them. I forbid you from seeing those sons of a bitches.”

You stared at him in disbelief. After everything you said, he thought they were the problem. He was too blinded by his hatred to see. Anger bubbled up inside you and before you knew it, you grabbed the closest thing to you which happened to be a chair and threw it against the wall with a yell.

“Sweetheart–” Mom reached for you but you’re too focused on Dad, too angry.

“I finally got a life and you wanna destroy it? Why? Mom got no problem! She’s happy for me! Why can’t you be too?”

Dad looked at you, unbothered by your outburst. “I’m not your mother.”

“No, you’re the worst father!”

His eyes widened and in them you saw the way his heart broke. You said the worst thing you could to him and instead of feeling guilty, you were proud of it. Dad looked down then at you with sadness.

“And you’re the worst daughter so I guess we’re both disappointments."

Your expression faltered and a faint stinging bloomed behind your eyes but as fast it came, you put on a facade. Dad stared at you long and hard before sighing and leaving you and Mom alone.

“Sweetheart.” Mom whispered softly and rubbed your arms. “You’re both worked up and not thinking straight but after a good night's sleep, I’m sure you two can talk this out with calmed heads.”

You shook your head. “You ain’t gotta lie Mom.”

Mom stormed into the bedroom and gave Dad a look that could kill. “How could you say that to your own daughter?” Dad stared off into the distance, a blank expression on his face. Mom’s anger faltered but didn’t left. “Are you listening to me?”

Dad blinked and looked at Mom and it’s then his expression showed sadness. “What am I doing wrong?”

Mom looked at him genuinely confused. “What?”

“We’re trying our best to give our kids the best life– to raise them well and hopefully when they're older, they can be better off. We raised them the same way, with the same love and care so why did she end up like this? Was it because I wasn’t present enough?”

Sympathy covered Mom’s face as she listened and laid a comforting hand on his back. “She’s a kid, a growing kid going through changes. She’s going to have a rebellious phase. Nothing you do can stop it from happening so don’t blame yourself for something you can’t control.”

Dad shook his head. “She’s right, you know. When I was her age, I hung out with those same ‘low lifes’ and did… questionable things. I didn’t listen to my mom when she told me the truth about being involve with them.” He looked at Mom with glossy eyes. “I don’t want her to make the same mistakes I did.”

It broke Mom’s heart to see him like that. He wasn’t one to be sentimental so when he did, she knew it was affecting him a lot. She brought him into a hug and held him tight. “She won’t. I promise you.”

“You don’t know that.” He mumbled into her shoulder, hugging her close.

Mom sighed, knowing he was right, and leaned back enough to see his face. “No but one thing I do know for sure is that no matter if she ‘hates’ us or makes parenting difficult, we’re always going to be there for her whether she wants us or not because that’s what good parents do. We just have to trust her and hope she understands you’re so hard on her because you love her, not the opposite.”

Her words calmed Dad but there was still worry in his eyes. “And what if she realizes too late?”

“Then we’ll help her pick up the pieces because there is nothing that’s going to change the fact she’s our daughter or how much we love her.”

Dean softly knocked on your bedroom door but there was no answer. He tried the doorknob and luckily, it turned all the way. The door creaked open and the soft glow from the hallway was enough to light up your sleeping body.

He stepped inside and shut the door but didn’t move any further. Dean looked down at his fidgeting hands with a faint frown on his lips. He might not have witnessed the altercation with Dad but he heard everything from his room. Especially the part where you finally have a life outside of him.

It stung to know you felt that way. Dean thought you liked being around him, that you liked that he was your best friend. Turned out he was just a burden you had to deal with.

He sniffled and whispered your name but you didn't move or respond. He walked closer to your bed, keeping his eyes on the floor, and said your name again.

“I know you have a life and I don’t want you to think I want it to revolve around me. I’m happy you got a life, friends— a boyfriend– so I get why you missed the game and I’m not mad… Maybe a little but I don’t hate you— I don’t think I could.”

Dean paused. “But I really wanted you there. I wanted you to be cheering for me and going crazy and looking stupid… I wanted things to be how they were even if it was just for an hour. I wanted my sister back ‘cause ever since you became a thing with Will, you’ve been different and I’m scared of what that could lead to.”

Poorly hung lights and metal bins with fires make the night more bright. Metal music blares through the abandoned warehouse, the vibrations going through everything and everyone. The place was filled to the brink with people either dancing or talking with a cup of alcohol in their hand or a bud that made the place stink of skunk.

You shouldn’t be there, you know that. This wasn’t the group you should be near much less partying with. They’re outcasts, rebels, and most are up to no good. But somehow, Dean convinced you and used you to get Mom’s approval to come.

You look over to your brother and find him talking to the third girl of the night that didn’t seem one bit interested in him. Not because of his personality— that was perfect— but because of his looks. Dean hadn’t hit puberty yet so he still looked all stick and bones, not to mention shorter than every girl there including you. So you couldn’t blame the girls but that stop you from getting angry at them for poking holes into his confidence.

The girl finally had enough and with an eye roll, she walks away with her friend. She whispers something to her and they both look back at Dean and laugh so meanly. It sets you off but it’s the sad, defeated look on your brother that seals the deal.

Before you know it, you’re walking towards the two girls, grabbing two unattended cups on the way, and when you’re close enough, you pretend to trip and spill the drinks on them, making sure no drop is wasted.

“Oh shit. My bad.” You try to keep a serious look but the look on their faces and their soaking clothes makes it hard for you not to laugh. They squeal and glare at you but then look down at their drenched clothes and whine and stomp their feet like toddlers throwing a tantrum before storming off. It’s then you laugh freely.

You toss the empty cups into a bin and make your way to Dean. He was already looking at you with a smile, a forced one to distract you from seeing the sadness in his eyes.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“And let them get away with messing with my Baby D? Not a chance.” You scowl, the anger still bubbling inside you at what the girls did, but one look at Dean’s eyes has you softening. You shrug. “Plus, I was doing it more for me than you.”

His smile turns genuine and he lets out a small laugh. “Yeah right.”

You laugh too and pull him close. “Don’t waste your time with these losers. They’re a bunch of shallow heads that don’t know what’s good for them even if it’s right in front of them.”

You can see the confidence Dean lost coming back as he listens. You weren’t lying. Dean was too good for them and if they had entertained his advances, they would’ve most likely taken advantage and destroyed him. You weren’t going to let that happen.

You help Dean forget about girls and focus on having fun. The night was still young and you had until midnight for curfew so you’re going to make the most of it. You dance, played around and even tried some of the alcohol with Dean which was one of the worst things you’ve tasted.

Some time, Dean found a girl who was interested and chatted with her in a corner, away from the loud music and people. You could see them from the other side of the party, Dean’s excitement when the girl returns his energy. It brought a smile to your face.

You let them be and head towards the drinks. Despite the cool night, the heat from all the bodies and fires were starting to make the place hot and you didn’t want to walk out and lose sight of Dean. You open the last cooler and in the melted ice, layed the last soda. You reach for it and sadly, a hand bigger than yours does too and accidentally wraps around your hand.

You scowl but when you see the person, it falters.

A boy who, based on his sharp features, was slightly older than you. His leather jacket was open and revealed the fishnet shirt that showed off his toned chest and stomach. A Billy Idol type with his short spiky black hair, sharp eyebrows, full lips and grayish blue eyes as intense as a storm but despite that, they’re warm when you meet them.

He chuckles with a smile that can make anyone swoon. “Well this is awkward.”

You snap out of your shock right there and furrow your brows. “Yeah, for you ‘cause this is mine.” You pull the soda towards you but he doesn’t let go.

“How about we share?”

You scoff. “Why would I share with you? I don’t even know you.”

His smile grows and his eyes light up as if he was waiting for this. He offers his other hand and on his ring finger was a silver ring. “My name’s Will. And yours is…?”

You eye his hand then him and grip the soda tight before hesitantly shaking his hand and mumbling your name.

“Pretty name for a pretty girl.” Will comments, voice smooth like honey.

You roll your eyes but the corners of your lips quirk upward. It’s fast, a blink and you miss it, but he saw it. “That works on every girl you tell?”

Will smirks. “You tell me.”

You don’t know what happens after that but one thing led to another and you end up outside with Will. It was an instant click like two old friends catching up. It was a funny thing but you didn’t thing about it for too long.

You were mesmerized. Will had a way with words that made even the most boring things sound interesting. He made you forget about the party, the people, Dean and made it fell like it was just you two. He had you laughing, smiling, and blushing so easily as if it was pressing a button.

Will had captured your attention but soon you’d find out, he captured your heart as well.

A bright, blinding light suddenly ambushes the darkness of your room, making your already closed eyes squeeze tighter. You groan and turn your back to it but before you can go back to dreamland, a voice interrupts the silence.

“Rise and shine.” Mom says in a cherry voice and you can already imagine her smile. She gently shakes you while saying your name in a soft whisper. “Wake up. I made breakfast.”

You sigh and lay on your back. Your eyes flutter open but instantly close again when the morning light hits them. Through squinted eyes, you look at Mom with a tired smile. “I’m up.” The sleep lingers making your voice raspy.

Mom chuckles. “I’m guessing the party was intense.”

“Oh yeah. It was like a Metallica concert over there.”

She chuckles again. “Well I’m glad you two had fun but now it’s time to get back to schedule. Come on. Brush your teeth and come downstairs before your brother eats all the waffles.”

“Alright.” You sigh and reach out for her. Mom doesn’t hesitate to help you out of bed and to the bathroom and once she sees you can function without help, she leaves. You do what you have to do and go to the room to change into a random shirt and pants before heading downstairs.

Mom, Dad and Dean were already at the table but your parents hadn’t touched the food on their plate, just their coffee. Dean though was stuffing his mouth full of waffles, scrambled eggs and bacon like a bear getting ready for hibernation.

“Morning, Mom. Morning, Dad.”

“Morning sweetheart.” They both respond.

“And you.” You flick your brother’s forehead as you pass him. “Thanks for waiting for me.”

He grins, the mushed up food seeping through his teeth as he does. “You’re welcome.”

Your face scrunches up in disgust. Mom berates him and you fail to fight off the smile. Dean frowns and when Mom isn’t looking, sticks his tongue out at you. You return the gesture.

The bedroom was quiet enough for you to hear Dean’s footsteps approaching before he appeared. He shuts the door and jumps on your bed, not caring if the added weight shifts the magazine you were currently looking at towards him.

“You gonna tell me what you were doing outside?”

You don't take your eyes off the magazine as you answer him in a flat tone. “Don’t know what you talking ‘bout ‘cause I’ve been in here the whole time.”

Dean snatches the magazine forcing you look at him or more like glare at him. You reach for the it but he jumps up and crosses the room in a split of a second. You grumble. It was too early for this cat and mouse chase so you just give him the attention he wants.

“I’m talking ‘bout last night, idiot. You disappeared for– I don’t know how long but if I hadn’t found you, we would’ve missed curfew and Mom would have gotten on my ass.”

Dean was right. You were so caught up with Will that you hadn’t realized it was past curfew until a panicked Dean found you and dragged you while muttering under his breath. Will wasn’t there to see since he had left to get something– a surprise he said– so you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye or get his number.

You hadn’t told Dean about him since you two were busy trying to get home in time before Mom has a reason to ground you. You had hoped he would’ve forgotten about it but clearly he hadn’t.

“Alright, I’ll tell you, drama queen.” You sigh. “I was talking with someone.”

Dean looks at you suspiciously. “Someone? Who?”

“A friend.”

“A friend?” You roll your eyes at his sarcastic tone. He laughs. “Since when did you have friends?”

“Since last night, idiot. And it was your idea.”

His eyes go wide and he points a finger at himself. “Mine?”

“Yes, yours.” You point at him. “Remember when you were trying to get me to convince Mom to let us go to the party. You said to make friends at the party.”

“I was being sarcastic!” Dean groans and tosses the magazine at your face. “Plus, you didn’t even agree to it. You agreed to me cleaning your room for two weeks if you convinced Mom.”

You grin as he sits down on your bed, rubbing his forehead and looking like Dad when his team is losing. “Looks like you got both things you wanted, Baby D.”

Dean glares at you and it makes you laugh. You tease him and poke his side, wanting to turn that frown upside down. He’s annoyed for the most part, smacking your hand and shoving you away but soon, he breaks into a smile and fights back.

“So, tell me about your friend.” Dean asks once you two are done playing around. “What did she do to catch your attention and keep it?”

“Nothing really. We grabbed the last soda at the same time and one thing led to another and we ended up outside talking.” You answer as truthfully as you could without spilling that it was in fact a boy, not a girl.

But Dean catched on to the vagueness and narrowed his eyes. You try not to look suspicious but the stupid look he had, it was hard to keep a straight face and he took it as the proof he needed.

“You’re such a girl.” He scoffs with a teasing grin before laughing. “So was he cute?”

You scowl and throw a pillow at his face. “Shut up.”

Dean laughs harder. “He was, wasn't he? I bet you wish he was your boyfriend.”

Now he was actually getting on your nerves. You should’ve just kept your mouth shut.

“Shut up. What ‘bout you and that girl? I bet you wish she was your girlfriend.”

He grins. “We’re going on a date this Friday so maybe she will be. Jealous?”

“You wish.”

You can lie but Dean saw right through you and you knew too. Even though you just met, the few minutes you spent with Will was enough for you to fall for him. Hard. You couldn’t stop thinking about him the days that followed. He haunted you when you’re falling asleep and when you awake. His voice, his smile, his eyes— you never seen such beautiful blue eyes before. It was like he had put a spell on you and the only way to break it was by seeing him again.

Like he could sense your gaze, Dean looks your way as he steps off the ice and can’t help but chuckle. The grin on your face was comical and with the thumbs up, you look straight out of a cartoon. You were acting like it was a game he had just won when in reality, it was just practice.

It didn’t matter to you. You wanted to support your brother no matter what. Plus, he had been doing good during practice, better than before, and you have no doubt that his coach will soon put him as a starter instead of a substitute.

Dean disappears into the locker room and you take it as your cue to head outside. You put on your headphones and play the cassette tape already in your Walkman.

Dean had a habit of taking his precious time, playing around with his teammates, after practice and games so you learned how to deal with it. You also learn to deal with the loneliness whenever you see others walking out chatting with their friends while you stand in the shadows by yourself. The longing when you see how close they were, metaphorically and literally.

Unlike Dean who could light up a room just by stepping in and could easily make a room full of strangers like him in a minute and even less to become friends, you had trouble speaking with others who weren’t him or your parents. You tried but no matter what, you could never be like Dean.

However, it wasn’t like that with Will. You didn’t have trouble or had to be like Dean. You were just you and that was enough. It was one of the reasons he captured your attention.

Someone calls your name. At first, you think you heard wrong and maybe it was the music but you hear your name again. You stop the music and glance around until you spot the culprit. Instantly, the corners of your mouth quirk upward and your heart beats fast. “Will.”

His face lights up as he walks up to you with a big smile on his face. “What a coincidence. I was just talking about you, pretty girl.”

Your cheeks heat up. “Yeah, right.”

“You think I’m lying?” You shrug with a smirk. Will smiles and turns to his friend who you hadn't noticed before until now.

The friend was the same height as Will but his fluffy eighty’s hair made him appear taller. He wore a black hoodie that’s slightly big and worn out jeans that had a few tears. Each finger was adorn by rings, his ears were pierced and black eyeliner colors his waterline, making his cool blue eyes– that weren’t as pretty or stormy as Will’s– pop.

“Wasn’t I just talking ‘bout the pretty girl from the party?”

His friend’s eyes dart from your head to your toes then back. You couldn’t read what he was thinking until a glint of mischief flashes in his eyes and his lips form a cold smirk. “Which one?”

Your smirk falters. Will scowls at his friend and smacks him hard on the back of his head. The contact was loud and it satisfies you when his friend hisses in pain.

“Ignore him.” Will looks back at you, his expression now soft. “He’s the jokester type and doesn’t know when to turn that shit off.”

His friend grins. “Don’t act like you don’t love that shit. That’s why I’m still around while everyone else,” he says while looking at you, “bites the dust.”

You glare at him as your nose scrunches up in disgust and annoyance. “Right. And who are you?”

His grin falters but only for a split second before he bursts out laughing like you said the most hilarious joke. It irks you further and your hands curl into fists. “I see what you’re doing. Tryna get under my skin.”

You roll your eyes. “It was just a question. You know, the shit you ask when you don’t know something or someone ‘cause Will never mentioned you in our talk.”

His friend glares at you before looking at Will but his look says it all. “You didn’t mention me?”

“Why the hell would I?”

You would’ve thought Will called him a slur by the offended look he had. “Why the hell would I? Maybe ‘cause I’m your best friend.” He says it like it’s the most obvious thing.

Will glares at him. “Not everything is about you, Todd.”

“Yeah, Todd. Not everything is about you.” You remark and smirk when he glares at you. “So why don’t you bite the dust.”

Todd steps towards you but Will is quick to stop him. He whispers something into his ear and though Todd is reluctant, he huffs and walks away while muttering something under his breath. You don’t hide your glee.

An amusing smile is on Will’s face as he looks back at you. “You a troublemaker.”

Your smile grows as you shrug. “I wasn’t the one who started some so… Besides, he shouldn’t be dishing it out if he can’t even handle or finish things.”

He nods and glances back at Todd standing with arms crossed and back facing you. “Yeah that’s Todd for you but that’s why he got me.” Will looks back at you. “Anyways, what’re you doing here? You didn’t tell me you do hockey.”

“I don’t but my baby brother does and he’s good at it.”

“Oh, really.” He teases. “How good?”

“Starter good.”

Will hums. “I gotta see him if he’s that good then.”

As the words leave him, Dean walks out and calls your name but when he sees Will, his steps falter. He gives him a once-over, brows slightly furrowed and his lips in a straight line. Dean approaches with caution and as he does, he straightens his back and squares his shoulders.

“Who’s this?” Dean blurts out, not caring if it comes out rude.

It amuses Will.

“D, this is Will. The friend I was talking ‘bout.” Will’s cheeks turn a light pink as he smirks. “Will, this is my baby brother, Dean.”

“Twin brother.” Dean corrects you.

Will’s brows furrow and he looks between you and Dean. “You’re twins?”

“Hard to tell since I got the good genes.” Dean is quick to say. You scoff and smack him in the back of his head.

Will chuckles, both at your action and Dean’s comment. “That’s debatable. Your sister gotta be one of the prettiest girls I’ve seen.” He locks eyes with you, smiling wide when he notices your flustered expression. “And everything about her is just… amazing. Never met anyone like her and I’d be an idiot to let her slip through my fingers.”

Dean looks between you two, his face scrunching up in disgust at the love sick look you’re giving each other. He gags dramatically and when you glare at him, he pretends to have been coughing.

“My bad.” He wasn’t sorry one bit but you don’t comment on it. Dean then motions to leave and you know it wasn’t just because of romantic tension between you and Will. Practice tired him out and he just wants to go home and rest.

You nod and offer Will an apolitical smile. “I gotta go but it was nice seeing you.”

“You too, pretty girl.”

Dean rolls his eyes and lets out a loud, dramatic groan of disgust. He walks away and you're right on his tail but then Will grabs your hand. His hold is firm yet gently. He doesn’t want you to go but doesn’t want to hurt you by holding you back.

Just a simple action has your heart skipping a beat and cheeks heating up. You softly squeeze his hand, also not wanting to leave and end this moment. So Dean makes it easy for you two and pulls you.

“By the way, I’m older so watch yourself.” Will raises his hands in surrender but you can see the smile he tries fighting off.

Dean drags you away but you steal one last glance at Will and the smile he gives you before he’s out of sight has you swooning. You smile and glance down at the piece of paper he managed to give you when he held your hand before tucking it into your pocket.

You wrap an arm around Dean and mess with his hair. “You know damn well you ain’t older.”

“He doesn’t know that.”

You stare at the piece of paper, the numbers on it engraved in your mind after the countless hours you spent memorizing it. It’s been two days since and you hadn’t called him, not because you didn’t want to but because you couldn’t.

The chances of your parents or Dean catching you in the act was high and you didn’t want none of them interfering like Dean had. Plus, you wanted whatever you had going on with Will to be longer than a month before telling your parents about him.

So when your parents decided to take Dean to get his skates sharpened, you took the opportunity to stay home and ‘chill’. They didn’t question you and once you saw the car drive away, you waited a minute before sprinting to the wall phone in the kitchen and dialing the number.

It rings once, twice, three times before it cuts off and a familiar chuckle sounds. “I was starting to think you weren’t gonna call me, pretty girl.”

You smile. “Sorry ‘bout that. I needed to make sure no one was around.”

“So I’m your dirty little secret?” He teases.

You can hear the smirk in his voice and for some reason, it makes you giddy. “Something like that.”

Will chuckles. “You really are a troublemaker and if I’m being honest, makes me like you even more.”

“Really.” You tease.

“Since the moment I saw you spill the drinks on those girls, I knew you were the one and if I wanted a chance, I had to make a good impression. So—“

The birds chirp outside your window and the morning sunlight shines through, lighting up your room with a beautiful orange glow. Shirts, pants, skirts and dresses were scattered on the bed and around the floor with different pairs of shoes filling the gaps in between.

You look at yourself in the full length mirror, looking at your reflection in different angles, making sure the clothes are perfect. A strand of hair falls onto your face and instead of tucking it behind your ear, you pin it into place with a hairclip.

There’s a tap on your window and you catch the blur of the pebble as it falls. A smile forms on your lips. You know who threw it without even glancing out the window.

You check your reflection one last time before quickly throwing your shoes inside your backpack and shoving your feet into your rollerblades as you sprint out the door.

“Finally. I’ve been waiting for ages.” Charlie, your best friend, teases as you meet him on the sidewalk. He wore his own pair of rollerblades with loose fitted pants and the original green with yellow, purple and black striped Ducks jersey that was a size too big.

“Oh shut up.” You laugh and playfully punch his shoulder. “Unlike you, I want to look pretty on the first day of school, not like a homeless person.”

He puts a hand to his chest and lets out a small fake pained groan. “You wound me.” You roll your eyes but the smile on your lips betrays you. It makes Charlie smile. “I thought wearing our old jersey would be nice since– you know. We might be going to Eden Hall but that doesn’t mean we’re going to stop being The Ducks… even if Coach Bombay won’t be coaching us.”

Your expression falters. Coach Bombay had been there for The Ducks since the beginning, turning the sorry bunch of District Five with zero wins to The Mighty Ducks with a pee-wee champion to winning the Junior Goodwill Games. He was a big part of The Ducks but especially to Charlie.

Charlie had told you in confidence one time how he saw Coach Bombay as the father he never had but you didn’t need him to tell you to know. Charlie was closer to him than any one else on the team and their bond was strong, one you can only describe as a father and son.

So the news about Coach Bombay not continuing to coach The Ducks hit the team hard but it hit Charlie the hardest.

“Hey,” you whisper as you grab his hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. “He might not be with us but he’ll always be a part of us. He is the reason for who we are. And like you said. We’re The Ducks. No matter what.”

There’s uncertainty on Charlie’s face, a frown that covers half his face and eyes that focus on the ground instead of you. The Ducks were his family and like any kid, they didn’t want their family to separate. Coach Bombay left so it’s understandable to think that things would go down from then.

You hated seeing Charlie like this. He was always the sunshine of the team, the hope and soul even when at first it didn’t seem that way. It’s no wonder Coach Bombay made him captain of The Ducks and of course because he was a good player.

“Spaz,” you tilt his head up and gently push the corners of his mouth upward with your thumbs, “turn that frown upside down ‘cause it’s making you look more like a homeless person.” His mouth twitches under your touch but he forces it back down. You laugh with a shake of your head. “I know what’ll make you smile.”

You pull back and grab your wallet from the small pouch in front of your backpack and take out a five dollar bill. Charlie still frowns at the sight of it so with a smirk, you begin to wave the bill in front of him, almost teasing him.

“This–”

He snatches the bill from your hands, now with a bright grin. “Thanks.” Charlie’s racing down the street as soon as the word leaves his mouth, laughing like a maniac.

“Charlie Conway! You little– I’m gonna get you!” You yell as you chase after him.

You two meet up with Fulton and Goldberg in the alley where Fulton practices his shooting before meeting up with Connie, Guy and Averman. Connie compliments your outfit making you beam as bright as the sun. She had a great sense of fashion so her compliment meant everything.

Charlie had seen the interaction and as the group skates across town, he tells you in a low voice so only you’d hear. “I could’ve told you you looked good.”

You laugh. “For what? So you can tease me right after how I take ages.”

“You do.” He chuckles. “But you don’t need to. You’re already pretty… without taking ages.”

You don’t take his words to heart because in the end, when it comes to you, Charlie’s compliments are always teases, never genuine, and it’s been like that since you two were playing as District Five. You were best friends and the boys couldn’t fandom the idea of a girl and a boy just being friends— Connie and Guy didn’t help— so they would tease Charlie relentlessly and it got worse when he made the mistake of complimenting you in front of them. It was the first and last time he did that.

“Cake-eater!” Guy yells as the group meets up with Adam at his house. “Woah.” He laughs once he gets a good look at his friend.

Adam was dressed for the occasion or maybe over-dressed. He wore neatly pressed khaki pants with the crease visible, a navy blue vest over his ironed light blue button-down that’s tucked into his pants, a tie, and his hair was brushed neatly with no strand out of place.

“Your rich side is showing.” Fulton jokes.

Averman skates up to Adam and eyes the tie. He pulls on it and instead of it coming off completely like he thought, he yanks Adam along. “Whoops. Nice tie. Did dear ole daddy make you wear it?”

Adam rolls his eyes and pulls back and straightens his tie, ignoring the laughs from the others. “I wanted to look good on the first day, okay? There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“That’s what I told Spaz.” You say, smacking Charlie in the shoulder.

“Hey, no need to abuse me.” He jokes while rubbing his shoulder.

You mock him before skating up to Adam with a soft smile on your lips. “Don’t listen to them. You look good. The tie makes you look… sophisticated. Elegant. Unlike some people.”

“I’m right here.”

“I know.” You grin at Charlie and laugh when he sticks his tongue out. You look back at Adam. His eyes are on you, a warm smile on his lips, but you’re too busy eyeing his hair with a frown. Before Adam can question you, you’re ruffling his hair. “I can excuse the clothes but not the hair.”

A mischievous grin forms on Charlie’s face and he shares a glance with Goldberg and Averman. “We have a few suggestions too.”

Adam recognizes the look but he’s too late to react. The boys jump him like ants on food, pulling his shirt free from his pants, his vest and messing with his hair even further. It soon turns into them just messing with him.

“Wow, Adam.” Connie comments innocently, holding back a grin, once the boys were done. “Did you get ready in a garbage truck?”

You all laugh and Adam tries to act like he’s sour but a smile breaks through his frown and he ends up laughing along. Averman begins to lead the way to Eden Hall and the rest form a V behind him. You go to join when Adam calls your name in a soft whisper.

“Thanks.” He says, a light blush on his cheeks.

You smile and shrug. “What are best friends for?”

Adam smiles softly. “Yeah. You look good, by the way. Very elegant.”

You giggle and shake your head. “Come on, Banksie.”

Averman shouldn’t have never been put to the lead the way. He had defended himself, claiming to have studied the map and found a short cut. Wrong. Two wrong turns and a dead end later, you finally arrive at Eden Hall all late.

“Come on.” Charlie opens the door that should lead to the front of the auditorium and ushers the rest in. “Let’s go. Let’s go.”

It’s dark inside and no matter how many times you blink, your eyes aren’t getting used to the lack of light fast enough. You can hear the dean’s voice loud and clear but it’s still dark. You begin to get a bad feeling. There should be light by now. The seats should be visible by now.

“Oh, crap.” You whisper, realizing the door the group went through was actually backstage and not the front of the auditorium. You glance back at Charlie and scowl.

“How was I supposed to know?” He whispers defensively.

You don’t have time to argue because you trip over something triggering a domino effect. One by one, the group all fall in a pile and Goldberg grabs hold onto the curtain, hoping to break his fall but it comes right down on all of you.

The auditorium goes silent and when Charlie pulls the curtain off, all eyes– both students and the adults on stage– are on you. Your face burns hot and you lower your gaze as laughter fills the air.

“Hi…” Charlie smiles. “We’re the Ducks.”

You let out an exasperated sigh as you walk out the last class of the day. Eden Hall was more prestigious than you expected. The teachers were brutal– homework on the first day, not even a hello– the students stared and whispered when you walked by and the Varsity Hockey team was already starting a fight with The Ducks.

“Woah.” Charlie cringes as he meets up with you. “You look horrible.”

“Thank you for the observation, Spaz.” You respond tiredly. You give him a once-over. ”You look worse.”

He matches your expression. “Yeah. I knew Eden Hall would suck but I didn’t expect it to suck this much.”

“You got that right.” You sigh and interlock your arm with his and lean against him. He smiles. “At least school is over and hopefully, practice goes better.”

Practice didn’t, in fact, go better. The Ducks arrived just as Varsity was finishing practice and they exchanged words before their coach pulled them away. Then Charlie convinces the team to have some fun before the new coach arrives.

The new coach makes his presence during the fun and immediately puts a stop to it. The team hesitantly huddles around him and Charlie. He was serious, a stern look that seemed to be permanent on his face, and an intimidating aura that had you stepping closer to Adam.

“My name is Coach Orion. You may call me ‘Coach’ or ‘Coach Orion’.” He announces.

Charlie smiles and offers him his hand. “Well, you can call me ‘Charlie’.”

Coach Orion didn’t find it amusing. “That must be what that ‘C’ on your jersey stands for, huh? It sure doesn’t stand for ‘Captain’.”

Tension fills the air and everyone goes quiet. You glance towards Charlie, seeing the change in his demeanor, and you’re opening your mouth before you can stop.

“Our old coach gave him that ‘C’, Coach Orion.” Your voice loud and clear, meeting his eyes without fear. “And for good reason.”

“And I respect that but that’s the past.” He answers bluntly. “This is my team now and I’ll be selecting the captain.”

“You gotta be kidding me, right?” You sigh at Charlie’s defensive tone. Now was not the time. Not in the first meeting. “I mean, you’re the rookie here. We all been together for four years.”

Coach Orion doesn’t take it nicely. “Okay, Charlie, laps. Right now.”

“How many, Coach Orion?” He remarks with sass.

Coach Orion doesn’t go easy on Charlie nor on the Ducks. It didn’t matter if it was the first practice of the school year. He pushed all you to your limits, having you sweating from head to toes and breathing like a fish out of water. Your whole body was sore by the time practice was over and you all but collapsed on the bench in the locker room.

But the torture wasn’t over.

Coach Orion barges in, announcing that the team better have B’s or better grades or they’re going to be riding the pine pony, fifteen minutes after practice to clear the locker room, and not to go near Varsity until the J.V. and Varsity showdown. Not to mention the change of positions he made that no one likes.

Adam sit down next to you, a visible line between his furrowed brows. “I made Varsity.” He whispers.

“Why do you sound so surprised?” You ask through a small laugh.

“Because I am. I can’t be on Varsity.”

“Why not?”

“I’m a Duck. I have to be with you guys, not with those jerks.” He says like it’s obvious before sighing. “Plus I’m not even that good.”

You scoff with a small smile. “Are you kidding? You’re one of the best players I know. If anyone deserves to be on Varsity, it’s you. And even if you’re part of their team, it doesn’t stop you from being a Duck. You are and will always be a Duck.”

Adam’s shoulders relax and the tension on his face is released. He smiles at your words and lets out a small chuckle. “Yeah. You’re probably right.”

“I’m always right.” You tease, bumping your shoulder against his, making both of you laugh.

The laughter dies down though when Dwayne announces that the captain position was ‘to be decided’. The awkward tension from earlier returns and everyone glances at Charlie. Charlie looks as lost and confused as everyone else but there’s sadness in his eyes. His father figure gave him that position and now the new guy rips it away from him like it’s nothing.

“Spaz, wait up.” You follow after your best friend as he storms out of the locker room. Adam is right on your tail. Charlie doesn’t stop though. He’s too angry. You share a worried glance with Adam before biting the bullet and grabbing Charlie’s hand. “Spaz, come on. I get you’re mad but–”

“But what?” He snaps, turning on his heel and getting face to face with you. You flinch. “First Coach Bombay flakes out on us then Portman and Jesse. The whole school hates us, Varsity is dissing us and now the new coach thinks he can do anything he wants– changing everyone’s positions and taking my captain status.” He scoffs, getting more angry at the thought of what Coach Orion did.

You cup his cheek and with the other hand you gently squeeze his shoulder. “Breathe. You’re stressed so I don’t blame you for lashing out but this isn’t the place nor the time. If you want that captain position back, you have to show Coach Orion why Bombay gave it to you in the first place. And being sassy and lashing out won’t prove anything other than you’re not fit.”

“Why should I prove anything to him? He’s the rookie. He’s supposed to be the one proving to us he can coach. All he’s proven is how much of an ass–”

“Charlie.” You look around, hoping no one heard him. “Stop it. You’re already on his bad side. Don’t make it worse.”

Charlie looks at you in disbelief. “Don’t tell me you’re already kissing up to him.”

Your expression drops and you take a step back as if he had burned you. You’ve seen Charlie mad before but he never talked to you like this. You didn’t like it.

“Don’t talk to her like that.” Adam steps between you two. “She's just looking out for you. And she’s right.”

Charlie rolls his eyes. “This doesn’t involve you, Cake-eater.” You and Adam are caught off guard by his tone. “You’re not part of the team anymore. You’re on Varsity now. You’re a Warrior.”

“I’m a Duck, Charlie.” Adam argues back. “Now and always. And it’s not like I chose to be on Varsity. Coach Orion did.”

He grimaces like the mere mention of the new coach is like eating salt. “You might not have chosen to switch teams but it’s not like you’re trying to stay either. You accepted what he said so easily… like you’ve been trying to get away from us. What? You think you’re too good for us?”

Adam’s expression drops while you glare at Charlie.

“Are you kidding?”

“What? It’s not like it’s a lie. You remember how he was. How he and his friends would mess with us just because they thought they were better than us. Just like everyone here.”

“That was before. Adam’s with us now. He’s a Duck and our best friend.” You sigh but don’t soften your glare. “Go home, Spaz. Before you say something you’re really going to regret.”

Charlie rolls his eyes and walks away. Your glare drops and you can’t help the frown on your lips or the tears in your eyes. You feel sorry for him but that doesn’t excuse his cruel words.

You look at Adam and his expression breaks your heart. “You okay, Adam?”

He forces a smile. “Yeah. Yeah. I know he didn’t mean it.” You can see through his lie and he knows it. “What about you?”

“He didn’t mean it so…”

He nods. “We should head to the dorms.”

You don’t argue and go to follow him when you notice something out of the corner of your eye. You look and the air gets caught in your throat. It was Coach Orion with his usual stern look and strong gaze that you couldn’t hold for more than three seconds. You gulp and quickly follow Adam.

Hopefully, Coach Orion didn’t see everything.

You close your locker and jump at Charlie’s sudden appearance. He chuckles and while you would usually laugh too, you don’t this time. The events of yesterday were still fresh in your mind and Charlie hadn’t apologized to either you or Adam. The audacity.

The chuckle dies fast at the sight of your annoyed look and an awkward silence settles. You look at him and wait. Charlie opens his mouth then closes it and scratches the back of his head before lowering his gaze. He still doesn’t say a word.

You walk away then. You’re not going to be standing there like an idiot, waiting for what he clearly wasn’t going to do. His words stung and it hurts more that he doesn’t feel sorry about it.

“Wait,” Charlie calls out your name and jogs up to you. You only stop when he stops in front of you. “I’m sorry.”

“For what exactly?”

“I’m sorry for lashing out on you and saying those things. I didn’t mean it— none of it. I was just angry because of him and I stupidly let it out on you. You didn’t deserve that.”

“You’re right. I didn’t.” You glare at him. “Neither did Banksie.“

Charlie glances away at the mention of his other friend. You could let the way he treated you slide but how he treated Adam? Not a chance. He crossed a line.

“Yeah.” Charlie mumbles before looking at you. “Hurting you is the last thing I’d ever want. Accident or not.” He grabs something from the side pocket of his backpack and offers it to you. A flower. “On the Ducks, I am really, really sorry. I’ll even get on my knees if I have to.”

You stare at him. You don't know what it is; the flower, his ashamed look, the genuine apology or the fact he’s your best friend but your heart had already forgiven him before your mind made the choice. You couldn’t stay mad at Charlie even if you tried.

“As much as I would enjoy that, you don’t have to. I forgive you, Spaz, but next time you do that again, it’s going to take more than this.”

His face lights up but he quickly turns serious and nods. “It won’t happen again. I promise.”

“Good.” You smile.

He doesn’t waste a second in returning the smile. “I’m glad you forgave me cause I would’ve gone crazy if you didn’t.”

“Awe.“ You playfully pout as you gently pinch his cheeks. “Poor baby, would have gone crazy without his amazing best friend.”

He playfully rolls his eyes and pushes your hands away. You laugh and Charlie can’t help but smile at the sound. He stares at you with a look you haven’t seen before, a soft expression with eyes filled with warmth. Then he slips the flower behind your ear.

Your brows furrow but your laughter doesn’t die down. “What was that for?”

Charlie shrugs. “I’ve seen some girls wear it like that and it looked pretty. Thought it would suit you.”

“Well does it?” You ask as a joke, knowing he’s going to tease you.

But an affectionate smile forms on his lips and his look turns into one of adoration. “It really does.”

The words get caught in your throat. This is the second time he complimented you. A genuine compliment with no teasing. It was strange but it didn’t stop your heart jumping and your cheeks from heating up. The look he has makes it worse.

You shake it off though and smile to hide this strange feeling. “Yeah right. And this oversize shirt suits you.” You remark sarcastically.

The corners of Charlie’s mouth quirk upward, a small chuckle leaving him as he continues to admire you before he realizes what he’s doing. “Uh, can I walk you to class?”

“Like you need to ask.”

You’re walking with Connie and Julie to the cafeteria when you spot Adam in the hallways. He was alone which was strange since you knew Charlie and Fulton had the same class with him but it’s the gloomy look that catches your attention.

“Banksie.” You call out.

His face lights up at the sound of your voice and when he sees you, a big smile appears on his lips. He jogs up to you and greets you and the girls. They return it before leaving you two alone.

“That’s a pretty flower.” Adam compliments, pointing to the flower behind your ear. “It brings out your eyes.”

“Thank you.” You smile bashfully, cheeks slightly warming up. Unlike Charlie, Adam wasn’t afraid to genuinely compliment you. You glance behind him before looking at him confused. “Where’s Spaz and Fulton?”

The gloomy look from before appears again. “I don’t know. I haven’t talked with Charlie since yesterday. Has he talked with you?”

You nod. “He apologized. I thought he did the same with you.”

Adam shrugs. “I guess he’s still mad that I made Varsity.”

“But he shouldn’t. Spaz has every right to be mad at Coach Orion but with you? He should be happy that his best friend made Varsity and as a freshman? You’re making history.”

Blush covers Adam’s cheeks at your praise and he smiles bashfully and looks at the ground. “I think you’re exaggerating a bit.”

“Oh please. How many times have you heard a freshman made Varsity?" He thinks but can’t find any. “See. You are making history.” You smile and grab his hand. “I always knew you would.”

He chuckles, the blush growing darker. He squeezes your hand and looks at you with a warm smile that has your heart beating fast. “It’s always you that boosts my self esteem.”

“It is my job as your best friend and I take pride in doing so.”

Adam laughs. “Careful though or else you’re going to make my ego too big and I’ll turn into one of those Varsity jerks.”

You gasp. “That isn’t funny, Banksie. Don’t even joke about that.” Even though you know Adam is nothing like those jerks, the thought of it is enough to send a chill down your spine. You grumble and playfully glare at him. “You just ruined my appetite.”

”I’ll get you another pretty flower as an apology.” He smiles and tugs your hand. “Let’s go before we waste lunch standing-“

“Banks.” Adam tenses at the voice and you glance at him confused until the owner of the voice appears behind him. Rick Riley, the captain of Varsity Hockey and the main one who’s been tormenting the Ducks since they got here.

You don’t hide your distaste when he looks your way and smiles all cocky. If he wasn’t a jerk, you would have smiled back.

“Who is this?” He asks Adam as he slings his arm around him like he was his best friend.

“Just a friend.” Adam mumbles, focusing on the floor.

“Just a friend?” You recognize that tone. It’s the same one the boys would use before teasing Charlie. Rick smirks. “Or do you mean girlfriend.”

Your cheeks warm up and when you meet Adam’s gaze, they burn hotter. He matches your state, a dark shade of red covering his own cheeks.

A boom of laughter hits your ears and you jump at the sound. Cole, another Varsity player, appears next to Rick. ”They definitely are. Look at their faces.”

You roll your eyes and tug on Adam’s hand. “Come on, Banksie.” Adam takes a step forward but Rick grips his shoulders and pulls him back and with you along. “Hey. Let go of him.”

“Sorry Little Ducky but Banks is sitting with us. He’s Varsity now and Varsity sticks together. Like you losers do.” Rick smirks and rips your hand away from Adam’s.

Your face now burns with anger but before you can say anything, someone comes between you and Rick. “You got some nerve touching her.” It was Charlie. “And these losers played against the best teams in the world and won.”

Cole steps towards Charlie but Rick stops him. “You think that means anything here? You won one championship. We won championships. We’re undefeated unlike you losers.”

Charlie glares at him and his hand curls into a fist. “That’s because you haven’t played us. We would mop the floors with you ass—“

“Spaz.” You tug on his arm just as Rick steps forward. A fight is the last thing you want. “Let’s just go. They’re not worth it.”

Charlie continues to glare at Rick and for a moment, you think they’re going to continue their insults. But you feel Charlie relax. He takes your hand and leads you inside the cafeteria.

You steal a glance behind your shoulder and you see Rick whispering something to Adam. The smirk he had and the way the other Varsity players laughed. Whatever he said, Adam didn’t seem to like it one bit.

That was the last time you had a conversation with Adam. Since then, school took up most of your time and when it wasn’t, hockey was. You’d see him during class and lunch but between Varsity and the strict teachers, seeing him was the only thing you could do.

With each day that passed, you two grew distant until you felt like strangers instead of best friend. You hated it.

But where you were losing, you were also gaining. You grew closer with Charlie and whether it was because of Adam’s absence or the strange feeling you had, you felt a shift in your friendship.

Whenever you two hung out, there was a tension in the air, not a negative one like Eden Hall caused but one softer and emotional. It appeared when Charlie would look at you or when he’d try to be closer to you than normal. How he’ll try to make you laugh or smile like it was his mission. The compliments.

You liked it but you were in deep denial. He was your best friend, you couldn’t — shouldn’t be feeling this. But then Charlie would do something to have you rethinking when he’d take your hand and give you butterflies. As your best friend. Not as your boy…

You stare at Charlie as he and half the team does a play Coach Orion explained minutes ago. Charlie was still bumping heads with him, going against most of what he said and sassing back when he would comment something. But he was still trying prove himself to him even though the latter didn’t seem to care.

The whistle echoes through the rink and the ones on the ice stop. You all turn to look at Coach Orion, his expression stern and hard.

“Do you want to play hockey?” He asks. It confuses everyone and they shares glances, unsure if it was rhetorical or not. “I asked a question.” Coach Orion says sternly.

“Yes, Coach.” The team says in unison.

”Then act like it. Our first game is tomorrow and we can’t get through one play. Change it up!”

You jump up and quickly step onto the ice as Charlie and the rest get off. You take his position and as soon as Coach Orion blows his whistle, you do as he said.

Maybe it was because you were fully rested or you were intimidated by Coach Orion. Whatever the reason, you and the other half of the team were able to perform his play with ease. He made you go over it two more times before he was satisfied or that’s what you think. You couldn’t tell.

You groan in pain. You didn't bother changing out of your clothes and walked out the locker room all sweaty and tired.

“Wow.” Charlie’s eyes almost budge out of his sockets as he covers his nose. “Did garbage day come early?”

“I was tired okay.” You defend yourself.

“Too tired to wipe that sweat off?” He teases and swipes his finger across your forehead.

You smile mischievous. “Thank you for volunteering.” You don’t give him a chance to react before grabbing his face and rubbing your sweaty face and hair all over him.

Charlie grimaces in disgust and complains but despite being stronger and bigger, he doesn’t push you away. Your laughter drowns out his voice and soon, you’re too busy laughing to continue your sweaty assault on him.

You laugh until your face burns and your cheeks hurt but it doesn’t die down. Not when Charlie goes from being disgusted to teasing you.

“Okay, okay. Stop before I pee myself.” You giggle as you lay your hands on his chest and try to keep him away.

Charlie chuckles and his hands go to your sides but you don’t notice it. “Only because you already stink and peeing is going to make it worse.”

“Oh shut up. You act like you don’t stink. Which,” you sniff and grimace, “you do and worse than me— you better not.”

“What?” He smiles. “I wasn’t going to do anything.”

“Yeah right.” You laugh.

It's like that for a minute, you laughing and Charlie smiling as you two look at each other, unknowing in each other's embrace. His hands were still on your sides and yours on his chest.

You felt the unspoken tension rise and you can tell Charlie did too. His smile falters as his expression becomes serious but there's a softness in his eyes. Before you know it, he's pressing a gentle kiss to your cheek. His lips linger for a few seconds before he finally leans back.

Your face burns hot and you awkwardly smile. "What was that for?"

His eyes widen and his hands nervously move against your sides. "I, uh, thought it was the right moment. Was I wrong? Did I mess it up?"

You can't help but giggle at his panic state. You pinch his cheeks. "You didn't ruin anything, Spaz."

It was official then. You still acted like best friends but now with the addition of romance. It felt natural. No awkwardness or weirdness. It was nice.

However, in Eden Hall, there was bound to be bad news.

The team was in the locker room, already changed into gear and firing up for their firsr game. They were going to show everyone—especially varsity — what they’re made of and why they deserve to be here.

Coach Orion comes in and anounces it's game time but before the team walks out, he comes up to you. “You’re forgetting something.” You look at him confused. He only answers by pressing something onto your jersey.

You don’t need to look to know what it is but you had to confirm. Sitting on your chest was the capital C patch, the one indicating the captain of the team. It's supposed to be an honor but it just makes you sick.

“Alright. Let’s head out.” Coach Orion orders.

You steal a glance at the rest of the team— their jaws wide open from the news— but your eyes immediately lock with Charlie. The sadness, confused and look of betrayal on his face. You open your mouth but he turns his back to you.

He knew you wouldn't do this to him. Did he? But as much as you want to fix things, now was not the time for that. You had a team to lead.

You took your new position to heart and made sure to not fail the team. When things got too hard or frustrated, you were there to ease the tension and helped the team focus. You made the calls and were leading the team to victory.

That was until Charlie ignored your calls and did his own thing, costing the team their first game and embarrassing them in front of the school.

“We didn’t need to score, Charlie.” You berated him once the team entered the locker room. “Run the clock. That’s all we needed to do.”

He rolls his eyes. “I’m sorry for wanting to win.”

“You should be sorry. We were doing fine until that big ego of yours got in the way.”

He scoffs and leans over you. “Look who’s talking. You got that patch and now you think you’re better than me. Don't get it wrong. You got it because you were kissing up to Coach Orion. I got it because I was fit for it.” He looks at you with disgust. “You’re just like Banks and those preppy snobs.”

His words were like stabs, each one harsher than the one before. This wasn't Charlie. This wasn't your best friend or the boy you liked. This was someone else. A stranger.

You swallow back the lump in your throat. “Look in the mirror first before calling me or Banksie that.”

Since that night, Charlie distanced himself from you. He wouldn't talk to you or look your way. When he'd pass you in the hallways or in class, you were a background character in his life. You were a ghost.

All those years of friendship down the drain and for what? It’s not like you asked for the captain position. It’s not like you were competing with Charlie for it. But that’s what he seems to think.

You started to think about Adam then. This was how he must have felt and maybe worse since he had no one to help him. Not even you, his best friend.

“Where are you going?” Connie asks when you suddenly stand in the middle of the conversation.

“I’m going to see Banksie.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“No but I need to.”

She sighs and nods. “Alright but what do I tell the others?”

“Tell them the truth.”

You peek through the doors and inside the rink. The Varsity was doing a drill you hadn’t seen before and by the looks of it, they had been going at it for a good while.

You step inside and close the door slowly so it won’t make much noise and quickly but quietly make your way to the side of the stands. You peek over them to watch the Varsity– more specifically Adam.

It took you a while to spot him. He blended with the rest, not because they wore the same jersey, but because he kept up with them, matched their level, and if you weren’t his friend, you would have thought he was a senior with those skills, not a freshman.

Varsity then practices a play. Adam gets the puck and skates in your direction, controlling the puck with ease away from the other team when they try to get it. He’s closing in on the goal and instead of scoring right away, he circles around it and shoots the puck in the corner but then a player from the other team comes out of nowhere and slams him into the walls.

You jump at the sound and step forward but stop. As much as you want to help Adam, if varsity knows you’re there, they won’t let you talk to him. So you step back and watch as no one helps Adam.

He struggles to stand while everyone else turns their back to him and listens to the coach as he explains how not to let something like this happen during a game. It makes your blood boil how they can dismiss one of their players like that.

But through all the anger and talk, you hear a small groan. A pained sound that Adam tries to hide as he stands back up. He stares down at his wrist as he moves it in a small circular motion but halfway through, he winces in pain. What’s worse though is that he pretends he’s not.

Practice ends and you follow after the Varsity a minute later. You wait around the corner for everyone to walk out the locker room until it’s only one left. The one you came for.

Adam sat on a bench with his back facing the door and examining his wrist, the same wrist he was checking during practice and the one he injured during the Junior Goodwill Games. It had healed since then or so you thought.

“Banksie.” You whisper to not startle him but it’s useless.

He flinches and looks at you wide eyed, stuttering out your name while hiding his injured wrist behind him. “Hey, what- what are you doing here?”

You don’t respond and take a seat next to him. Adam scoots away, still keeping his hand behind his back. “Let me see.“ You whisper and put your hand out.

He smiles awkwardly. “What are you talking about?”

“Adam.” You say soft but stern enough with a serious look.

He sighs in defeat and lays his injured wrist on your hand. It was red and slightly swollen but doesn’t look broken. You feel around it and cringe when you accidentally make him hiss.

“How long has it been hurting?”

“Not that long.” He mumbles. You stop and stare at him. He sighs again. “Since joining Varsity. It was sore the first week. I thought it had to do with the change… but it’s been hurting after every practice.”

“And the hit you took today probably made it worse.”

He looks at you surprised. “How did you know about that?”

It’s your turn to sigh. “I came to talk to you but you had practice so… I watched.” You look at him, a frown on your lips. “You shouldn’t be here. You need a team who cares about you and helps you be the best you. Not one who doesn’t even check up on you after body slamming you into the wall or doesn’t even notice you’re hurting.”

You’re raising your voice by the end of your rant. Adam’s eyes are wide but there’s a small smile on his lips that you don’t see. You take a deep breath before motioning for the tape.

”I’m sorry for raising my voice but what I said was true.” You say, voice now back to normal, as you wrap the tape around his wrist, making sure it is snug enough but doesn’t numb. “Why don’t you come back? Ditch these jerks and come back to us.”

Adam shakes his head. “Even if I wanted to, I don’t think they would want me. They made it clear.”

You lower your gaze. “Yeah but… I do.” You confess. “I want you back. And not just as my teammate but as my best friend. I know it’s partially my fault that we don’t talk anymore and I am truly sorry for that... I miss our hangouts, our talks, our everything... I miss you, Banksie.”

His expression softens and he takes your hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I miss you too. More than you know.”

Your eyes get glossy and a tear manages to slip past. Adam is quick to wipe it away but he doesn’t move his hand away. You don’t mind and lean into it, finding comfort in his touch. It does something to him.

You don’t realize what’s happening until you feel Adam’s lips pressing against yours. It’s soft and gentle and hesitant like he’s unsure. But when you kiss him back, the uncertainty disappears.

Almost a minute passes before you two separate to breathe. You’re both smiling like idiots with heated cheeks and when you make eye contact, you giggle and Adam looks down bashfully.

However, the moment is cut short at the sound of a harsh scoff. Your head snaps towards the door and your expression drops when you see Charlie.

His eyes were soft when you lock eyes but they’re quick to harden and a scowl forms on his lips. “You were right. You’re not like those preppy snobs. They wouldn’t have stabbed me in the back like you did. You’re a traitor.”

“Charlie—“ you plead.

Your heart is ripped out of your heart and you’re too stunned to do anything. You’re losing your brother— the only other person who trusted you— and all because of Todd. If he didn’t appear, this wouldn’t be happening.

“Why didn’t you tell me you called Dad?”

You blink. Dean couldn’t have known about it. You didn’t tell him nor anyone else. He was knocked out so he couldn’t have heard you. You don’t respond.

Dean holds his head high, his eyes hard as they stare down at you. “You want me to trust you but you hiding things. You don’t tell me why you left or that you called Dad. Why did you call Dad? Was our talk not enough? Was I not enough?”

You heart breaks.

“Of course you’re enough! You helped me, D. More than you know but…” You bite your inner cheek. You don’t want to lie to Dean more than you already have. You can’t. “I didn’t tell you everything cause I didn’t want you to worry more than you already had. That’s why I called Dad.”

Dean doesn’t say anything for a good while. He stares at you in silence, taking your words, debating whether to accept the explanation or not. It was the truth, that much he knew, but was it enough. He glances towards Julie. Her eyes were already on him and one look at them was enough for him.

He looks back at you. “You gotta understand my view too, JJ. After everything we’ve been through… I’m just looking after you like you do with me. I don’t care if you don’t want me to worry, I’m here for you. You know that.”

Of course you knew but times like this, it’s difficult. You don’t voice your worries and just nod. “I’ll make it up to you, D.”

“You better.” He tease and you both chuckle.

You then you glance towards the team. They share glances, silently discussing with each other before Charlie looks at you.

“We forgive you but next time tell us where you’re going.”

“I will.”

The air seems to be clear now and the team finally lets out the breath they have been holding. Averman finally moves out of the uncomfortable position, groaning in relief when the tight muscles relax.

“D, how’d you even know about the call?”

Everyone freezes in their spot. The tension surrounds you and Dean like it never left in the first place. Your eyes are fixated on your brother but Dean doesn’t look your way.

“You gone deaf?” You tease but he doesn’t respond. You frown and try to meet his eyes but he avoids it. “Don’t be a hypocrite, D. Answer my question.”

Dean mumbles under his breath, a curse word most likely, eyes darting at everything before landing on you. His mouth still doesn’t open but when you narrow your eyes, he surrenders. “Mom called.” He mumbles and lowers his head.

If they hadn’t watched the whole conversation, the team would’ve thought you were a realistic mannequin with the way your body goes still and your expression drops to an unreadable one. You don’t breath or look alive for the few seconds you stood there.

Then, the corner of your lips curls upward into a snarl. You knew something was up. You knew Dean would never say or act like this and now you know why. “I should've known Mom was behind this.”

As soon as she hears the harsh tone, Julie doesn’t miss a beat in getting the team to give you two some privacy. Some of them want to stay and watch though but one look from her and a threat that sounds more like warning has them scrambling to their feet and to the rooms. But when the doors closes behind them, they’re quick to press their ear against it just as Dean responds.

“No, no.” Dean points an accusing finger at you. “Don’t dare turn this into some that ain’t. JJ! It ain’t like that. Mom didn’t —“

“Didn’t tell you what she always does?” You remark before scoffing and running a hand over your hair. “Yesterday you had no fucking problem and even consoled me but today? Ma fucking calls and suddenly you’re on my ass, giving me shit. What? I’m suppose to think it’s just some fucking coincidence.”

You can already hear all the things Mom said over the phone but that doesn’t bother you. It’s the fact that Dean is denying it.

“Cause it is! Mom had nothing to do with this.”

“She has everything to do with this and everything else and when you stop being a fucking Momma’s boy, you’re gonna realize it.”

Dean clenches his jaw, his hands curling into fists, and he gets closer to you. “You’re right but not about everything.” His voice lowers in volume so only you can hear. “The mom you think so bad about told me she wants to fix things with you. She wrote you a letter and wanted me tell you she’s gonna be cheering for you tomorrow.”

A small, humorless chuckle leaves you. “You really expect me to believe that?” You respond with the same volume. His expression stays the same and you realize he wasn’t lying. But mom certainly was. “The day we left, she told me the same bullshit cause she couldn’t bear the thought of me leaving hating her. Not ‘cause she genuinely wants to fix things ‘cause if she did, she wouldn’t have blown me off all those times I’ve tried.”

“Can you blame her? You think it’s been easy for her? At least, she’s trying now. ”

“Lets give her a round of applause then.” You mock then scowl. “Come on, D. Open your fucking eyes. She’s lying. She wanna fix things now? When I left home and making a name for myself– for a good reason. She don’t care. Mom’s never going to forgive me and I made peace with that. You should too.”

His brows raise and he huffs angrily. “Is that why you replaced her with Miss MacKay?”

You tense up, eyes slightly widening, only for a second before going back to normal. “I dunno what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, right. So you haven’t been getting close to her? All those talks you had were nothing?” Dean shakes his head as he lets out a small humorless chuckle. “No wonder you were so worried about slippin. You scared she gonna turn out like Mom. Hating you for—”

“Think what you want, D.” You growl, glaring daggers at your brother. “I’m done with this.” You walk past him, avoiding his gaze, and go to grab the doorknob when his voice stops you.

“You’re losing control, JJ.”

Your face drops and Mom’s voice rings in your ears. You always lose control. Your other hand curls into a fist. Don’t lose control.

“If you ain’t careful, the same thing’s gonna happened.”

“JJ?” Connie whispers.

You laid on your side, staring at the wall with glossy eyes. You hadn’t said a word since you walked in the room. You done enough talking for the day.

“We’re here for you. If you want to cry, a hug or anything to make you feel better. We’re here.” Her voice was soft and comforting but you felt nothing.

You don’t respond. She shares a glance with Julie and though she’s concerned, Julie motions for her to give you space. Connie listens and both girls head to bed.

You couldn’t sleep. Dean’s words kept replaying in your head, getting louder and louder to the point the music blasting in your headphones couldn’t drown it. With each repeat, the wound gets wider and deeper that no amount of bandages could stop the bleeding.

Your brother– your twin brother– who welcomed you with open arms and never showed any hint of malice or hate. Who loved you and would defend you when people would say things about you. He was by your side– on your side when everyone was against you.

He was the last person you thought would turn against you so it was a stab to the heart when it turned out he was just pretending. He never thought you changed. He resents you just like Mom.

You glance at the nightstand between your and Julie’s bed. A quarter till six. The sun wasn’t even waking up at this time. It was still dark, inside and outside the room. You don’t care. You couldn’t stay in bed.

You make little to no sound as you get out of bed and leave the room. Your bare feet move slowly in the dark, it didn’t matter if the cold floor sent a shiver down your spine. You walk straight for the front door. The click as it shuts is loud in the silence but you don’t hear any noise after so you continue your walk.

You let your feet lead the way. Away from the team. Away from the dorms. Somewhere you can be alone and not worry about anyone hearing or seeing you. It’s how you ended up on the rooftop.

The hairs on your arm stand up and goosebumps cover the skin as a gust of wind blows in your face; cooler than you expected in the California summer. The textured floor doesn’t register in your mind as you walk across the rooftop. It was lonely, quiet and gloomy. Just like you.

You stand by the edge, your clothes and hair dancing with the wind. Past the college and the empty streets, a soft glow shines, a mixture of lights from cars, buildings and the street lights. The silhouettes of various buildings and trees. It was simple but it was pretty.

You feel a drop of water on your cheek and you don’t realize it’s a tear until your vision turns glossy.

“You’re going to get a cold.”

Your heart skips a beat, at the sudden presence but it’s who the voice belong to that made you nervous. Why can’t you just deal with the pain alone? You pretend to not have heard them and hope they would leave.

They don’t but they don’t say anything else. Quietly, they make their way towards you and stop next to you, watching the scenery too. Their presence was too strong for you to ignore and you catch yourself stealing a glance.

Unlike you, they were prepared for the trip. Slippers on their feet and pajama pants that match their long sleeve button up. Your eyes trail up their body. There weren't bags under their eyes or sleep still hanging onto them and their features were relaxed. Their bed hair, that’s made worse by the wind, is the only thing that told they just got up from the bed.

“How are you feeling?”

You meet those baby blue eyes, soft and full of concern for you, only for a second before looking back at the view. “Take a wild guess, Blondie.” You mumble, tone flat.

Adam nods. He knew, of course he did, but he still wanted to ask.

“What’re you doing here?” You ask after a minute.

He thinks about his answer before shrugging. You don’t accept it and squint ever so slightly your eyes as you look at him. A small smile threatens to appear but Adam keeps it together. “I thought you needed a friend.”

He’s sincere. Not a hint of a lie in his voice or face. Your expression falters and you stare at him like you’re seeing him for the first time. Not the boy that had a staring problem or that had feelings for you but your friend.

Friend.

“I don’t know if that’s what I need.” You reply honestly.

The smile, though faint, drops. His expression softens but he doesn’t show any pity for you. He’s curious. “Then what is it that you need?” He asks almost in a whisper.

Your gaze lingers on him before looking away. “I don’t know.”

Adam stares at your profile, eyes darting all over your face then staying on your eyes. The hurt. The pain. The guilt. The loneliness. You try to mask it but he sees it. He sees you.

“Until you do, I’ll be here.” You glance at him, eyes slightly wide, and it makes Adam smile softly. “And if you find out you don’t need me, I’ll still be here for you.”

The sky fills with shades of pink and purples as the morning light finally shines. The golden light beams bright, shining past the buildings and onto Adam’s face. The glow surrounds him, his eyes twinkle like the sky on a summer's day– warm and comforting– his rosy cheeks, and the freckles across his nose and cheeks that you hadn’t noticed before are more visible now.

Your heart skips a beat before picking up speed. Your breathing slows down. The temperature of your body spikes up, rising in your cheeks, and against the chill breeze, it causes the hairs on your arms to stand and goosebumps cover the skin.

Adam takes notice and is quick to unbutton his shirt. The protest dies in your throat at the sight of the white muscle shirt hiding underneath. You hadn't seen Adam expose this much skin before so it was hard not to stare. His attention was on keeping you warm so he was oblivious to your flustered look.

He was close now, very close. When you tilt your head up, you can feel his breath, coming out slow and soft, against your skin. You can feel the soft brush of his fingers against your collarbone, the warmth from his body warming yours, and when you meet his eyes, his pupils dilate to the point the irises are a rim around them.

This is the second time it has happened but why does it feel like it’s the first time all over again? He’s making you feel all fuzzy and warm on the inside. It’s almost dizzying.

He has you under a spell and you’re not sure if you want to break free. You’re looking at him, admiring him as he admires you too, and it makes you forget about your troubles, about the pain lingering around the corner. You could be happy even if it’s for a second.

“Blondie.” You whisper as you lean closer, eyelids growing heavy.

“Yeah?” Adam responds, reciprocating.

You could get that one ounce of content in this nightmare. But you don’t. You can’t. Things are already bad as they were, you can’t make them worse for a selfish desire.

You sigh and lower your gaze as you take a step back. You pull off his button up and hand it to him. “We should head back.” You don’t wait for his response before walking away but you feel his gaze on you and try not to imagine the sad look on his face.

The girls wake up by the time you’re done getting ready for the day. It’s awkward as they said their good mornings, yesterday’s tension lingering in the air like a foul stench. You ease it as much as you can with a facade of normal that isn’t fooling anyone but they don’t comment.

You leave them to get ready and when you step outside, you run into Dean as he’s leaving his room. He pauses and stares at you, eyes soft with something you can’t tell, but your expression is void of any emotion. You don’t say anything and walk away.

You head to the cafeteria alone and take a seat at one of the empty tables close to the windows. There were a few other team’s eating breakfast already, smiling and laughing as they spoke in their native language. The smack when they high five each other or slap each other’s backs in glee. Just the other day the team was doing just that but now it feels like years ago.

“Why the long face?”

Your blood runs cold. Your expression hardens in a second and when you look at the sudden presence across from you, your hands clenched into fists. “You got some fucking nerve showing your face.”

Todd grins. “And what you gonna do about it? You gonna beat me up? You gonna show the world who the real ‘JJ’ Portman is.” He looks disgusted then. “What kind of lame ass nickname is that by the way? JJ. That ain’t you. Queen, though, that’s the real you.”

The urge to jump over the table and strangle him was very, very strong. You can imagine yourself doing it. The only thing stopping you wasn’t proving him wrong but the team. You’re not going to tarnish their image by being on the front papers for beating someone even if he deserved it.

“How the hell you get in here?”

He leans forward, puppy eyed and pout. “I thought I couldn’t be anything other than a dirtbag but then I saw her. She inspired me and now I’m the newest player on Team U.S.A.” He breaks character with a cackle. “Can’t believe those idiots bought that shit.” He then looks at the empty space in front of you. “You ain’t gonna eat breakfast? You can’t be missing the important meal.”

You roll your eyes. “Don’t act like you fucking care.”

“You hurt me, Queen.” Todd pouts for a second before grinning big. “You might not care ‘bout anyone but I do. I care that Team U.S.A. beats those other bastards and I ain’t gonna let a fuck up like you… fuck it up. You embarrassed your family but you ain’t gonna embarrassed everyone else.”

You scowl. He’s playing a dirty game and you have a choice; play along or leave. Leaving would be easy but the consequences were unpredictable and you don’t want to risk it. Playing along wouldn’t be much better. Either way, both had chances of him running into the team. To Dean.

You’ll have to suck it up then. “You done running that mouth?”

Todd smirks. “I’m just getting started.”

“Let me save you the trouble then. I’m an embarrassment, a fuck up, right? Maybe even a pathetic loser holding onto a fantasy that ain’t gonna last very long. The team— my friends— probably don’t like me and are pretending. Pretending like Dad and Dean ‘cause in reality, they secretly hate me just like Mom. They resent me. I bet they wish I was the one who almost died. It should’ve been ‘cause everyone would’ve been better off if I wasn’t here, right?”

You had lean in during your rant, your breathing coming out hard and fast, your face burning and your voice—as much as you tried keeping leveled— trembles.

“I’m a failure. No matter what. Nothings gonna change that. That’s what you were gonna say.”

Todd smiles and leans forward. He stares into your eyes, searching for something, then grins. “Is this what your brother saw before he told you the truth?”

Your finger twitches as your heart and breathing slow down. The room begins to spin and you feel on the verge of passing out.

“How ‘bout your friends? Your boyfriend? Tell me.”

You clench your fists. “Go fuck yourself.”

Todd laughs. “You’re always been easy to mess with. Only difference now is you don’t got Will to protect you.”

In one swift movement, your gripping his shirt and pull him halfway across the table, a big scowl that scrunches your nose. “Is that why I’m here and he ain’t? ‘Cause he protected me. I’m not you. I wasn’t his little bitch.”

“I wasn’t—“

“No one remembers your name or you even existed when Will left. But they know me, they know my name even when I’m gone. ‘Cause I’m something without him while you ain’t nothing. I don’t need him or anyone else.”

Todd gulps, fear in his eyes that he tries to hide behind a brave facade. You push him back in his seat. “If shit goes down and I lose everything, there won’t be nothing holding me back from giving you the same treatment I gave Will.”

The threat wasn’t empty. It was a promise. You were reaching your breaking point with Todd and after what happened, you were one breakdown away from repeating the past.

Todd wipes his nose, sniffing as he does, before nodding. He gets up and goes to walk away but stops. “Almost forgot.” He reaches inside his jacket and your heart jumps but it’s only a paper. “Can I get your autograph? Can’t leave without getting at least one player from team U.S.A.”

Todd sets the paper in front of you. It was one of the pictures Mr.Tibbles made the team take for press. You were all on the ice wearing team U.S.A. jerseys. You stood between Julie and Connie, smiling though not as big as them or the rest of the team. In the middle stood Coach Bombay in his coach attire, showing his thousand dollar smile. But all of it is a blur when you see writing already on the paper.

Coach Bombay’s signature.

Your face drops and you look at Todd. His grin grows wide as a Cheshire Cat. “Or you think the coach’s is enough.”

“JJ!” Connie’s voice echoes throughout the cafeteria. Your head snaps in her direction and you see her and Julie walking through the entrance with the team right behind them. Your blood runs cold and you look back at Todd but he’s gone.

He played you.

You slam your hands on the table before storming out of the cafeteria. You don’t give the team a second glance as you pass them but then your expression softens and you pause. “I gotta talk with Coach Bombay but I’ll be back before breakfast is over.”

It catches them by surprise but they smile, except for Dean. “We’ll save you a spot.”

You return the smile before turning around and sprinting to Coach Bombay’s office. Your finger was twitching like crazy and your heart was beating fast that you can feel it in your throat which made you feel like throwing up.

His office door is closed and so were his blinds. You knocked and knocked but the door stayed shut. So you head to the classroom only to see it empty. You curse and head to the dorms. You grab the post-it and scramble to press the buttons on the phone with trembling hands. It rings and rings and rings then you hear the automatic voice. You try again and again but he doesn’t answer.

Coach Bombay wouldn’t believe what Todd said, would he? Adam didn’t.

After cooling yourself, you join the team in the cafeteria. They were discussing something, voices overlapping each other making it hard to understand, and taking sides.

You don’t pay attention as you take a seat next to Connie. Your mind was too occupied thinking about what Todd could’ve told Coach Bombay and with each different scenario you come up with, the more you’re filled with dread.

“JJ.” Ken says your name in a low voice. “How was the talk with Coach Bombay?”

You push around your food with the fork. “Didn’t find him.”

“Oh.” His lips pull downward and he looks at his food before looking back at you with a smile. “Well practice is in an hour. You can talk to him then.” He assures.

Your lips quirk upward. It’s sweet of him and what makes it sweeter is that Dean was like that too. But things are different now.

The team heads backs to the dorms and relaxes until practice. You stay in your room, listening to your walkman and matching the chords on your air guitar. A tap brings you out of your head and you look to see the girls looking at you.

You stop the music and lay your headphones around your neck. “What’s up?”

“Are you going to be fine?” Connie blurts out like she’s been keeping it in.

You know what she’s referring to and quite frankly, you’re not sure. You don’t think things are going to be the same between you, Dean and the team. You’re sure they talked about what happened behind closed doors.

“I will. You don’t–”

Julie gives you a stern look. “You better not say what I think you’re going to say.”

You crack a smile but it’s quick to fade away. You don’t say anything else and put back on your headphones and listen to music until practice.

Practice started immediately so you didn’t have time to talk with Coach Bombay and now you’re a nervous wreck who couldn’t focus during warmups or the drills. You kept glancing towards him, looking for signs but the only thing you found was that his usual flowy hair was now gelled.

Things only get worse when Coach Bombay makes the team do a scrimmage and you’re put against Dean. You couldn’t stop hearing his words, the way they cut deep or the way it was your first argument that was bad. You don’t hear the whistle and are struck down by Dean.

It was like that for the rest of the scrimmage. He shoved you against the wall and bodychecked you hard any chance he got. You stood up every time without a fret. You understood and if it helped him, you won’t stop it— not because you felt like you deserved it.

Practice ends when Charlie scores the last goal and Coach Bombay dismisses everyone but calls you out as you walk away. “Get change and meet me in my office.”

Practice could be to blame for the color drained from your face or the way your breathing slows. You nod and his eyes linger on you for a few seconds before he walks away.

You don’t notice Fulton talking with Dean as you head to the locker room, the way he looked as he berated his friend. Nor the look Julie throws his way.

You act normal as you talk with Dwayne and Ken. Pretend like everything’s alright, like you weren’t on the verge of breaking down. Maybe it’s why you don’t register the burn on your back or the twitching of your finger.

Dwayne offers to take your bag to the dorms when you’re done changing. You mumble a small thanks and head to Coach Bombay’s office.

You knock on the door and wait for an invite before going in. Coach Bombay sat behind his desk, the smile he usually has is now a thin line, brows low and eyes burning holes into you. It makes your nerves worse.

“What can I help you with, Coach Bombay?”

“I’m just going to rip the bandage off, JJ… I was told some things– very concerning things– about you. It’s a serious accusation and I don’t want to believe them but… if it’s true, I want you to be the one to tell me and maybe we can sol–”

“It ain’t true!” His eyes widened at your outburst and before he can say anything else, you continue. “Whatever Todd told you, it ain’t— it’s not like that. I ain’t like that anymore. I’m a better person. I changed. Just like you! I’m not— that was in the past…”

“Hey, hey,” Coach Bombay walks to you and crouches down to your level, grabbing your hand with the twitching finger. “Take a breath.”

You shake your head, holding back tears. “I know what I did– who I was… I’m still trying to prove myself but I’m not ‘her’ anymore. I’ve changed, Coach Bombay. Please. You gotta believe me.”

“I do, JJ. I believe you.” He squeezes your hand, reassuring you his words were true, and you relax only for a second. “But… who’s Todd?”

Time freezes and with it, your heart and breathing. You stare at him, eyes slightly wide and mouth agape. “What do you mean? You signed his picture.”

He shakes his head. “I haven’t met a boy named Todd or signed a picture of his.”

Coach Bombay goes blurry until he’s a silhouette then he clears up but it’s Todd’s grinning face instead. The room spins around you and you feel your heart pulsing hard on your head. You feel like throwing up. How could you let it happen? Were you this stupid?

Dean’s eyes almost pop out of their sockets at the sight of you. The rest of the team matches his expression, some less exaggerated but still caught off guard. Even Adam looks like he wasn’t expecting you to show up.

What’s even more bizarre is the fact you no longer wear the muscle shirt and loose fitted pants the team last saw you in. Now you wear a plain sleeveless shirt, high rise bell bottoms with a belt and your usual black boots and bracelets. Your shaggy hair was messy like you’ve been running your hands through it and shaking it.

“Sorry ‘m late. Lost track of time.” You simply say as you step inside the classroom, your back facing the team.

Dean clenches his jaw and curls his hand into a fist. That’s your excuse? No one has heard from you for a whole hour. He was worried sick. Then you show up to class with a smile like nothing happened with a new wardrobe that certainly you didn’t get from your room. All because you lost track of time. Dean scoffs and it doesn’t go unheard by the ones around him.

Miss MacKay returns the smile. “You’re just in time, JJ. Take a seat.”

Your brother and the team’s eyes stay on you, following you as you make your way towards your seat next to Adam. You don’t look their way. You don’t even give them a second glance; not to the girls, not to Dean, not to Adam. You just let their eyes burn holes into the side of your head.

“Alright, class. Let’s begin with today’s subject.” Miss MacKay begins writing down the topic onto the blackboard: Geometry. The word comes out soft and smooth under the white chalk.

The attention is drawn away from you, the team all grumbles and groans at the word. Dean’s eyes linger on you, a soft glare at your relaxed profile. He knows you can sense his glare. He’s going to have a long talk with you once in the dorms. He grumbles and looks at the board with a frown. He hates math.

While everyone focuses on the subject in hand, Adam couldn’t stop glancing your way. How could he not? Last time he saw you, he had confessed his feelings for you and you ran off, leaving him feeling stupid and broken hearted. He can feel the tension that it left or perhaps it was all in his head.

You sure were acting like nothing happened and Adam wasn’t just thinking about his confession.

The interaction with Todd, the person you used to know, left an impression on Adam. He was still confused by it but with the way you reacted, he knew to keep quiet. He also knew you would’ve wanted to keep it a secret from the team, especially from your brother, so that’s what he did. He didn’t tell them— he lied to the team. For you and you don’t even know it.

You quietly ask Luis for a pencil and paper, giving the boy a small smile when he teases you about your lack of prep. Adam frowns at that and tries to distract himself by paying attention to Miss MacKay but he can’t. All he can focus on is the stinging in his heart.

The three hours go by fast and once Julie finishes solving the last equation, Miss Mackay praises her and begins to wrap up the end of class.

“All right, class, remember, tomorrow we’ll have morning class since your game is in the afternoon. And we have a test at the end of the week so make sure you’re also studying for that. Other than that, have a nice rest of the day.”

The team all return the farewells and in less than a minute most are out of the classroom. You take your time though, slowly gathering your papers, stacking them and pretending to care how neat they are. Too caught up in it, you don’t realize you’re not the only one who stayed behind.

“JJ?”

Adam’s voice is small and hesitant like a child approaching a stranger. He stands in the front of Luis’s desk that’s in front of yours, a nervous and shy look on his face as he plays with his fingers. You don’t take your eyes off your papers and it makes Adam more nervous.

“JJ, can we talk?--”

“Miss MacKay.” You call out to her as she finishes wiping the chalk from the blackboard. You walk past Adam, tilting away when your shoulder almost touches his. Adam turns on his heel, following your body and his hand reaches for yours but he stops himself.

You don’t want to talk to him and he’s not going to force you to. He’s going to respect you decision even if it hurts.

Adam walks out the classroom, feeling the stinging in his heart even more now. Why are you being like this with him? He understands that maybe he shouldn’t have confessed after the altercation with Todd but one thing led to another and he couldn’t stop himself. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe you were right and it’s best you two are nothing more than friends.

Your heart aches when you see Adam walk out. The glimpse of defeat and ‘kicked puppy’ look on his face you managed to see before he disappeared had you second guessing yourself and for a split second, you almost ran after him to apologize and say or do whatever it took to wipe that expression that someone as sweet and kind like Adam should never have.

You don’t. You stay by Miss MacKay, barely listening to her explain that math question you had asked her, wallowing in guilt, pain and anger at yourself. Adam doesn’t deserve the cold shoulder, not when he did nothing wrong.

His only wrongdoing was falling for me, you thought.

“Are you alright, JJ?” Miss MacKay’s confused voice brings you out of your thoughts.

She had finished explaining a minute ago and you hadn’t moved, too caught up in your head. Your jaw was clenched, eyes sharp and narrowed– glaring daggers into her desk as if it had done you wrong– and the papers with the notes of today’s subject were crumbled between your hands, almost rolled into balls.

The papers crinkle as you loosen your grip on them but the wrinkles and tears your hands cause are permanent now and no amount of ironing or taping could fix them. The corners of your mouth turn downward. Another thing added to the list you hurt.

“‘M sorry.” You mumbled. To the papers? To Miss MacKay? To Adam? You don’t know but it felt like you needed to say it.

Miss MacKay’s expression softens and without another word, she sets her bags down, takes a seat, and gives you all her attention. “What’s on your mind? And I know it’s not just the math questions.”

You breathe out a small chuckle, the corners of your lips quirk upward but it’s quick to fade away. Miss MacKay is always there when you need her— even when you don’t think you do— but what’s on your mind at the moment isn’t something you want to talk about. It’s the last thing you want to talk about.

“It’s just… team stuff. Hockey specifically.” You lie. “Speaking of, do you by any chance know where Coach Bombay’s at? I went to his office but he wasn’t there and he ain’t in his special dorm on campus.”

For a second, the corners of Miss MacKay’s mouth turn downward and a look of distaste flashes on her face before she realizes and plays it off. ”He must be at his beach house.” She says as she begins to rummage through her bag.

“Beach house?” No one mentioned Coach Bombay was living in such a luxurious place. It made sense though. He is coaching Team U.S.A. after all but wouldn’t that also mean the team would live in one too instead of the dorms in the facility that happens to be a located in an isolated section of a local college campus.

“Provided by Hendrix.” She clarifies.

Guess Hendrix has favorites, you think. Not that it mattered. You were no stranger to being second choice.

“He’s been meeting a lot of famous people and sponsors all thanks to Mr.Tibbles— Hendrix, I mean— for team business of course. Not for his or their benefit.”

The more Miss MacKay tells you, a bitterness grows in you but you don’t ponder too long on it when you hear the same bitterness in her tone, although it comes out soft and barely noticeable. “Team business, huh. Coach Bombay told you this?”

“He did. He thought it would impress me and I would fall to my knees and accept his invitation...” Her voice fades away once she realizes what she’s saying and the implication. She glances at you, hoping you didn’t catch it but your arched brow says it all. Her cheeks turn a dark pink. She clears her throat and finally gets what she was looking for from her bag and hands it to you. “That’s the number to the beach house.”

You take the post-it and thank her with a short nod, saving her the embarrassment of asking why she has it. For ‘team business’ you’re assuming. You smirk at the thought but it fades away just like the laugh she got from you.

You don’t move and mindlessly stare at the numbers on the post-it, pretending to memorize it. You’re stalling, whether it was a conscious or subconscious choice. Miss MacKay can see it so she stays seated, body and expression relaxed, patiently waiting for you to be ready.

You don’t think you’ll ever be ready and not just with telling Miss MacKay why you’re stalling.

You were finally doing good. You had a team– friends– a coach and tutor you grew very close with, that you care about deeply. A shot with romance with a good, sweet and caring boy. A chance to give good to your name by being a part of Team U.S.A. More importantly, you thought your secret wasn’t going to affect anything.

How stupid of you to think that. You knew your happiness wasn’t going to last. You told Dean but both of you were too naive. Now, you’re facing the consequences. Everything you worked hard on is going to crumble before your eyes in the hands of someone from your past. You weren’t ready for that.

The papers crinkle as you curl your hand into a fist when you feel the slight twitch of your finger.

Miss MacKay understands the action and her heart aches for you. She doesn’t like how you rather suffer in silence than ask or accept help offered to you. Since meeting you, she knew you dragged around a lot of baggage even when you tried hiding it behind that hard exterior and one simple action from you confirmed it. It was the awkward smile you gave her when she smiled at you like no one had ever smiled at you before.

You just needed a person who cared. Don’t only be my teacher. Please. You had told her.

“It’s just me and you.” She whispers. “You can let it out.”

You both hated and loved the way Miss MacKay can easily make you feel safe like nothing bad can happen as long as she’s there. The team makes you feel the same way and although it feels like a fantasy– a lie– you hold onto it like it’s the truth.

You bite the inner of your cheek, holding back the words wanting to spill but like any talk with Miss MacKay, it spills. “Remember you told me that failure is an obstacle and just by overcoming it, I have achieved greatness.”

Miss MacKay nods.

”Well,” you ignore the twitch of your finger and wipe your nostrils while keeping your eyes on anything but her. “What if… I never overcome it? What if– no matter what I do or how hard I try– there’s always something stopping me? What if I never achieve greatness? What then? Will I just keep failing? Over and over and this time I won’t only fail my family and Dean. I’m gonna fail the team. ‘M gonna fail Coach Bombay. Fail you. Fail–”

“Hey, hey, hey.” Miss MacKay stands and lays her hands on your shoulder, giving them a comforting squeeze as she tilts her head to be at eye level with you. “That’s not going to happen, JJ. You are not going to fail.”

“Then why does it feel like I am?” You blurt out frustrated. “Cause no matter what I do, there’s always something making it harder for me. I’ve been trying to be a good daughter. A good sister. A good friend. A good person but it doesn’t seem to matter at all. None of it! It doesn’t matter that I changed– that I’m a better person! I failed! And that won’t change!”

Your voice echoes in the empty classroom, sounding louder than you expected as you stare at Miss MacKay, your chest rising and falling to the beat of your heart. You didn't mean to yell but after the events of today, you lost control and the emotions started controlling you.

Miss MacKay stares at you, wide eyed and mouth agape. You never revealed your true feelings, only giving bits and pieces that were enough to let Miss MacKay help while keeping her at arm's length. But this was different.

A different you instantly regretted. You lower your gaze as the embarrassment and shame hits you like a tidal wave. You voluntarily read yourself like an open book and now you’re sure she sees you in a different light, a dimly lit one.

The silence is deafening as you both continue standing in the same spot, her hands still on your shoulders but now they feel heavy, almost like they’re pushing you down. You don’t dare look at Miss MacKay, fearing for what you might see.

Then, in a soft whisper, her voice fills the silence. “You’re not a failure.”

You close your hands and clench your jaw as your nails dig through the papers and into your palm, slowly creating crescent shapes.

“JJ, Sweetheart.” Miss MacKay says, voice firm but soft. “You are not a failure.”

A small sting grows behind your eyes, tickling your nose when you close your eyes. “You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew.”

She doesn’t respond right away. Instead you feel her warm touch under your chin that gently tilts your head up to look at her. The action reminds you of Dad and it makes things worse. The stinging gets stronger and a few tears form behind your closed eyes.

”It wouldn’t change a thing.” She confesses and it makes your heart skip a beat. Your eyes softly flutter open, hesitant but the need to see if it’s true is strong. “I know you, JJ, and I know that whatever obstacle you’re facing at the moment, you will overcome it.”

You want to believe her– you truly do– but you believed Dean, you believed Dad and you believed Coach Bombay and look where it got you. You don’t see any chance for you.

You swallow the lump growing in your throat and fight back tears wanting to spill. “I’m trying but… I can’t.” Your voice breaks. “I can’t.”

Miss MacKay’s expression drops and her heart breaks. Your eyelids cover your teary eyes filled with shame and defeat as you look at the ground but she only sees a broken and lost child waiting in the dark for a glimpse of light that they had long given up on; little did they know, all they needed to do was look the other way.

“Where the Hell is she?” Dean grumbles, pacing back and forth in the kitchen while everyone either watches him or tries to ignore him.

It’s been half an hour since class ended and since Adam told them you stayed back to talk with Miss MacKay. Half an hour since you haven’t shown up to the dorm. Half the team, including Dean, were starting to think you ran off again.

“She’s going to be here.” Julie, being the other half that doesn’t believe you ran off, reassures Dean. “Give her a minute.” Dean scoffs.

“Where else would she sleep? Team Italy’s dorms.” Averman jokes, hoping to ease the tension and it works. Sort of.

Goldberg shrugs. “At her friend’s, maybe?” Dean stops and glares at him with a look that could kill. Goldberg instantly sinks further into the couch and stutters. “I mean, uh, what friend? Eh? JJ… has no friends— except us.”

Fulton smacks the back of his head and the looks he gives Goldberg— plus the ones from the rest -- is enough to make the boy shut his mouth before he digs himself a bigger hole.

Dean resumes his pacing, now mumbling under his breath and fuming like a kettle left on the stove for too long. Julie gives Goldberg the stank eye for worsening the situation and the boy can only offer a sheepish smile as an apology.

Connie sits next to Julie on the small couch, her eyes on Adam rather than on Dean. The blonde boy had been standing by the rooms with his head down, shoulders droopy, and lips closed the whole time but she knew him long enough to know the look on his face. He’s hurting and she bet it has something to do with you.

”Fuck this.” Dean huffs and makes his way towards the door. “I’m not gonna stand by and wait for—“

As he’s about to say your name, the door opens and you walk in but stop two steps in when you see Dean. His face is red, jaw clenched and he’s breathing hard like a bull ready to charge. A total contrast to the rest of the team who are calm but the concern, anger, or shock is evident in their eyes.

You raise a brow at your brother. “What’s up with you? Someone took one of your tapes.”

If it were possible, Dean’s face turns even more red. “What’s up with me?” He mocks. “What’s up with you? Where the hell have you been?”

“Calm your tits. I was talking with Miss MacKay, damn.” You go to walk past him but he steps in the way. It catches you off guard and for a second, your expression falters.

“And what about before class? Were you talking with her too?” His tone is cold, voice low and daring you to lie. You don’t like it especially since there is an audience.

“Not…” You step closer, your expression turning serious as you lower your volume and faintly motion to the team with your head “Here, D.”

”Yes. Here, J.” He growls, stepping closer as well. “You fucking disappear, leaving— not just me but everyone fucking worried. They looked everywhere for you but you weren’t there. You left to ‘get some air’. I didn’t know you needed a whole fucking hour to get some. And you left with the fucking cash.”

“That’s what you’re worried about?” You pull the cash from your pocket and throw it at his chest. “Here. There’s the fucking cash. Keep it all. Give it to Coach Bombay. I don’t give a shit.”

Dean ignores the money and looks at you like you grew a second head. “Are you serious?” He scoffs and runs his hands over his face as he takes a step back. “Un-fucking-believable.”

“We don’t care about the money, JJ.” Charlie comments with a sigh.

You bite your inner cheek and stare at the floor. Of course you knew they didn't care about the cash but you needed to deflect, to change the subject away from the one you were never good at dealing with.

“We care about you.” Connie says. “You’re not just our teammate, you’re our friend and when you leave without a heads-up, we’re going to worry.”

“You don’t gotta.” You mumble, loud enough for them to hear. Then you glance at your brother. “Like you said. I was getting some fresh air. So you don’t gotta be all–”

“All what?” Jesse interrupts, voice defensive as he stands. A sneer on his lips and brows pinched together as he glares at you. “Don’t make it seem like we’re the crazy ones when you’re the one disappearing without a word and coming back acting like nothing happened. At least last time you had the decency to pretend to be sorry.”

You scowl at his last statement. “I wasn’t pretending, Jesse.”

“Then why is this time different? Why ain’t you telling us why you left? You dismissing us like we’re nothing to you. Like you don’t even care.”

Your finger twitches. Your heart begins to beat fast, your lungs struggle to get enough air, and a buzzing begins to sound in your ears. A pot of emotions is bubbling inside you, burning hotter and shifting the lid open.

You can’t afford to lose control. Not again. Not now. They can’t know. Dean can’t know.

“Do you not trust me anymore?”

Your head snaps towards your brother and there’s a pang in your chest like a tight string that was abruptly cut. His voice was small and brittle when he asked but it’s the sight of him that has your heart breaking.

Strong, hard headed Dean who was ready to face anything head on now looked a shadow of that person. His head is lowered, his shoulder slumped, crossed arms close to his body like he’s secretly trying to hold himself together and his brown eyes, wide and innocent, meet your gaze.

The air gets knocked out of your lungs as a lump forms in your throat. You’re not looking at the current Dean. The boy in front of you is way younger and the one who looked up to his older twin sister. The one who would do anything to be just like her.

“D,” you whisper out, careful to not let your voice break, “you know I trust you. I always will.”

“Doesn’t feel like it.” He lets the confession hang in the air for a moment before continuing. “You’re hiding something and I don’t know what hurts more; you not telling me or you lying about it. Jesse’s right. At least you had the guts to tell me the truth last time instead of playing in my face.”

Guilt hits you right in the chest. You don’t want to lie to your brother but you can’t tell him the truth. This was your baggage to carry. Yours to deal with. Not his. His attention should be on the game, on helping the team towards victory. Not to be distracted or burdened by your stuff.

But Dean doesn’t care about that. He won’t turn a blind eye if he sees you struggling. Whether you pretend to be alright or don’t ask for help, Dean will be there for you. He will help with the baggage, console you, make sure you know it’s going to be fine and that you shouldn’t worry about anything.

You would have accepted in a second. Welcomed it with open arms. It would have been easier and there wouldn’t have been this much tension. But he confronted you in front of the team. In front of the people you’re scared to be vulnerable with because you might slip.

The tension grows thick and heavy as you and Dean stare at each other, filling up the room that even the team is starting to feel the effects. Their breathing comes out short and low as if breathing even normally would be too much. They don’t move, not even Averman who’s been stuck in the same uncomfortable position for the past minutes. They blend into the background and watch.

“D, you just gotta trust me with this.” You plead with your eyes, mumbling a soft, “please.”