❪ 쎄시 걸, JENNIE ❫

‘ you’re embarrassing us. jennie, don’t you understand how hard we work to be respected in society? how you’re ruining it? ‘

words that sink in deep. but is her father more angry about the rude comments being made about his daughter, or because he believes the rumors, perhaps even agrees with what is being said? of course she’s a cheater, of course she is popularity built strictly from being passed around in the industry. free-spirited and easy! thoughts that hurt jennie, haunt her and leaves her sleepless throughout nights ; fearing a special someone will view her the same, if she one day will become tied up in something he no longer can stand by.

but he is better than her family, she realized when interrupted in the one attempt at an explanation ( that hadn’t even been requested ), but explanations doesn’t save anyone, she learned that the hard way last year. ‘dad, it’s not even--’

‘ i don’t care what is or isn’t. everyone is talking about this! it’s shameful. ‘

‘at least i didn’t get pregnant at 20.’ it slips, blunt and thoughtless. the anger immediate on her father’s features and jennie isn’t proud, regrets speaking, even if her mother isn’t in the room.

and there are many things she cannot be proud of in life, one being the image she built up for herself - leaving people to assume the worst, all because of her own pride, when avoiding looking vulnerable. another thing being dragging those around her down with said crappy image, family included.

‘ compared to this..? it would look better if you had a baby with someone and stayed with them. ‘

but you can’t even do that. hangs unspoken in the air. she can feel him wanting to say that, like he did during their repeated arguments about her career choices and dropping out of school. but in contrast of those times she meets her father with a smile today ; not petty, not confident, instead empty, and only a polite way to admit defeat. she thinks she is bad, too. there is absolutely no need for the company or her father to remind her, some important people and the many sleepless nights over the years have reminded her enough.

‘ go. we’re tired. you’re not welcome here until you sort out this mess. ‘

but what if i’m the mess? she’s itching to ask, but gets up in silence, knows about rich families who have kicked out their kids for less. a prestigious old-time lover ( who cheated on her ) acting up, just like he had many times back then, is once again believed, justified. similar to something last summer, but who wants to admit they are easy to fool? not jennie, so she allows the pity party to carry on, lets people think what they want. at least a bit longer.

few hours earlier jennie smiled when her father sent a text asking what she had done with her hair. ( likely not because he supported it, but at least he noticed..? )

‘you know we just worry about you.’

no audible disagreement coming from her, but her gaze isn’t warm or understanding this time. instead it recalls her mother trying to introduce her to blind-dates, again - because she cares, jennie can reason that much. but … what happens when it only makes jennie all the more like a failure? as if their expectations haven’t been met. as if she isn’t far enough in life for her age.

and perhaps it makes sense. her mother being merely 22 when giving birth to jennie - 21, if not considering the korean age system. and what is jennie doing? professionally, not much. privately, trying to find reasons to stay bright.

she hasn’t let her family know that there is someone, who she values more than life itself. at least this illusion of a put-together life. because it makes it mean a lot, and she’s not sure if he wants that weight of dealing with her family.

“mum? i’m going home. thanks for the dinner.” her smile a little wry, met by eyes that seem to think it’s a good idea.

SCENTS:

bath roman bath salts in relax lavender. chanel n’5 bath gel with its subtle hints of jasmine. tom ford soleil neige (vanilla, jasmine) 
 tom ford fucking fabulous (lavender, vanilla, leather)
 gucci bloom (peach, jasmine, sandalwood)

CLOTHING:

baggy pants, be it suit, cargo or jeans with crop tops. 
oversized t-shirts, hoodies or blazers worn with bare legs and sneakers. open-back dresses or open tops with nothing but possibly thin strings draped over her spine. short black mini-dresses.
 loungewear sets in neutral shades of gray, brown or beige in the shape of mini shorts with a tank top.

OBJECTS:

a sofa in the shape of a cloud.
 a capybara plushie and the many bear ones. 
vitamins and supplements to help keep what little energy she often has. a box with analog cameras and memories that need to be kept safe. 
a french vintage medallion purchased as a gift while awaiting the right timing. 
notebooks, a big collection with endless scribbles between lyrics, thoughts, chords, dreams, love.

VICES / BAD HABITS:

seeking worth in life. is often unable to fully erase the idea that she isn’t worthy of the good in life and that good things therefore always will be temporary. thus bordering on self-destructive when seeking out ways to feel useful in a life where her career is stagnant, in hopes of being harder to throw away - this often to a point of justifying situations that cause her emotional harm or glamorizing toxic behavior from those she loves ( while reasoning they simply *care too much* )

physical pain. likes to feel. be it through overworking herself in the gym, dance studio, or even through sex. has been conditioned into thinking it’s the intensity of things that make them real and show that she is strong / worthy, so it makes for a confidence boost. unless on blue days, when it’s more of a distraction.

alcohol. a means to overcome shyness, but by now she is somewhat certain that she is more likeable of a person when tipsy than when not.

reckless behavior. knowingly approaching risky situations that may cause scandals, craving to ruin the illusion of living in a doll house and being any sort of ideal / rolemodel, because she frankly does not enjoy acting perfect or the assumption that she is.

ghosting. be it fans, members or friends, she likes to disappear when life feels overwhelming or too empty. a reoccurring factor for disagreements with her manager.

BODY LANGUAGE:

leaning in close to see what someone is doing on their phone, sneaking a hug from behind, that playful nudge when walking home side by side, invading personal space in whichever way she can, fingertips brushing over an arm, her head on a shoulder, naturally affectionate and she is a person who craves physical closeness from friends or that special someone as if it is silent reassurance that they genuinely cherish her as much as she cherish them.

an eyebrow arched and for a moment one would think she is unimpressed, but there is warmth and playfulness in her eyes, even if paired with the occasional teasing comment. and that’s exclusive for when she is comfortable around someone.

drifting gaze and prolonged silences where they are not required. heaviness. fear. but she laughs, or offers a reassuring smile. at the worst of times she will puff out her cheeks slightly, having learned that it’s an efficient way to stop eyes from getting watery.

dramatic gestures of her hand or body, cheeky smiles and laughter. not necessarily carefree but comfortable in herself and the good and bad that comes with it, the safety of being around people she can trust at her worst - or at times those that have yet to see her bad sides and be scarred by them.

crossed arms and head lowered, immensely focused ( or anxious ) and she takes in the surroundings and the information offered through it. tired but no complaints. like after long flights or the rare times when preparing for idol-related schedules in the practice room when it’s nearing sunrise and none of them have eaten or slept in over 24 hours.

AESTHETICS:

messy canvases with a lot or little colour, bed hair at 4am before the sun stretches above the horizon, water droplets smattering on a car window sometime after midnight while music mixes in as background noise, low-lit streets on summery nights with secrets exchanged through hasty kisses and a hand wandering up underneath a sundress, cloudy skies in their varying pastel hues, grays or black offering hope of her perhaps becoming equally beautiful.

HOME:

a cold place where nothing happens. white, clean, empty. like a museum it holds her secrets, high ceilings as a feigned attempt of freedom and massive windows to introduce the river and the sky. vinyl records and workout machines ( resulting in another injury about a year ago ), the illusion of freedom, privacy and many reminders of regrets.

the cold breeze caressing her cheeks on a night where sleep is too far off, and the city is too silent. the veranda close enough to the river which whispers its promises of how she will be okay.

 someday.

a kitchen that reminds of older days, and suddenly it is as if she’s 19 and safe. her father on the way back from work, her mother preparing dinner, dogs running around their legs as mother and daughter take a moment to catch up, focusing on the easier things in life, like how to best cook those traditional meals that seem stupidly hard to ace.

an apartment with dark wooden floors, a big sofa, even bigger closet with her favourite blazers and hoodies. kitchen cabinets which now are easy to navigate through. red plastic furniture on a balcony. a boy with endearing brown eyes and a smile brighter than the sun, who makes it feel like perhaps she could belong somewhere.

arms that hold her when she cannot hold herself together.

SONGS:

the car ride taking them to the hotel has her excitement aimed towards the room service awaiting, occupying those in the car with rambles of how hard it is to wait to eat this or that. she knows it will all be delicious, like most things in france ( besides the mussels or snails, she can’t stand those. ) and it weighs up for the almost-content dieting that her life consists of in seoul.

and much like the previous visits, the parisian hotel greets them with an assortment of desserts, strawberries and unnecessarily expensive sparkling wine waiting in the suite ; a suite not paid by jennie herself, but rather chanel. albeit it easily being a cost she could cover if necessary, choosing another hotel was not worth the hassle. just how hotel options had been ignored, no focus is given to the sleek-looking glass, which bubbles often would have her attention in the blink of an eye. and in return, his eyes speak of subtle concern mixed in with confusion, mind likely wandering back on a joke spoken not long before boarding the plane - based on how quickly he downs the served champagne.

just like the champagne, jetlag is also ignored - for plans to meet her french friends over a late-night coffee session and pizza, just like last time she had visited the city. and by now? they’re less surprised, having grown familiar to the company jennie shyly leans into the side of when the night breeze chills her. ( their familiarity not surprising, considering one of her closest french friends followed his instagram account a few years back and caused a new wave of curiosity. ) jennie thinks this is so much better than the french djs and models they attempted to set her up with months prior.

and somehow? the evening passes in the best sort of casual intimacy of just existing with people who offer to understand. there’s questions regarding hugo, work, life, books, movies, music, and it feels like a home away from home. especially as jennie initiates grabbing ice cream sometime after leaving the night-open cafe and bar.

all so that the group can part way afterwards, and jennie with an arm once again linked with another. it’s dark now. the empty side-streets silent and barely lit, and his laughter is low and warm when she almost-trips on the cobblestone sidewalk, still, he’s the pleasant contrast to the still-cold night air. and perhaps she lets him know, and perhaps it earns her a kiss under one of the old streetlamps. ’you’re pretty.’ no longer a half-whisper like it would be when sneaking out in seoul, because no one notices here, right now. and she believes it, there’s not a second of doubt when it falls from his lips, between only the two of them to hear. then jennie notices the curiosity still lingering in his gaze. unspoken questions. is this going to be a problem?

Q. how do you feel, being seen as unique and an icon?

it’s a great honor to be an inspiration and iconic to another person. but when you express me with these valuable words, i feel like i should offer a better side of myself / be a better person. in the future i’d like to become a more friendly and comfortable me, that’s the type of thing i hope to show you.

Q. if we liken current-day jennie to a color?

i would choose sky-blue. because i like the color of the sky, with its many combinations of colors. i also want to become a person with that kind of charm.

Q. jennie’s face has an ambivalent charm. between ‘mature’ and ‘youthful’, which would be your preference? it can also be answered as in which word better describes what type of person you want to become.

both have their own appeal? so i’m certain each will have its own pros and cons. i want to be someone cool-headed who thinks rationally and acts maturely, but i also want to remain a person with an innocent/naive and bright outlook/heart.

Q. the dogs kai and kuma, how are they doing lately? what’s a memorable moment you’ve had together?

on a snowy day not so long ago we all went for a walk together and i remember how excitedly they were running. it was very cute and heartfelt so i took lots of videos and photos.

Q. it would be nice to see that on a video on jennie’s youtube channel. i also enjoyed your bakery tour video from a while ago (laughs) i didn’t expect you to choose and pay for the bread

it was a fun video to film since i was able to browse and buy bread i like to my heart’s content. next time i think it could be fun if i had a chance to make it (the bread) myself.

Q. if you could occupy a cinema all by yourself, what movie would jennie see?

there’s so many movies that come to mind. recently i watched <atonement> and thought it would’ve been really nice to see it on a big screen. if you were to watch it alone in an empty movie theater i think the impression would linger behind a little longer.

Q. we invited jennie to the kitchen for today’s shoot. it’s a place where meals and stories come and go in our homes. what kind of space is the kitchen for jennie?

at home, the kitchen is both the most casual and comfortable place, and a very precious place. it’s also where i have the most conversations with my family when i eat in their kitchen, or where we stand side by side as i watch my mom cook.

Q. during your last interview with elle you told us you get new inspiration from the process of meeting and communicating with a variety of people. how was your recent visit in paris? have you discovered any new places?

paris is her happy place, yet occasionally also her sad hideaway.

pictures posted with no direct mention of whether they were taken from her hotel room in times where paris had been an escape from loneliness ( it always finds her ) or if they portray times when the small memo scribbled onto a cluttered gallery-wall was a message left behind out of love, in case it one day would be found by the person it was written for. if he ever needed an escape, there would be small fragments of happiness left here and there for him to find and make his own. life is a large puzzle and she’s leaving him pieces.

perhaps they would be erased or covered by other scribbles, perhaps they already are by the time jennie posts the photos.

but the meaning remains at that spot : that’s one charm with paris, and just like the city, jennie thinks she is also made for love. when nothing else exists to keep her driven, at least there is love to seek meaning in. thus sometimes her stays there are blue, other times they come in the same peachy hue as the sunrise and sunsets which she adoringly watches from the balconies. surrounded by freedom and hopefulness, dressed down and unnoticed, unimportant in the best way. a few hours of work and so many spent basking in the simple joys: good food, even better company, sweats and hoodies to stay warm because it isn’t fashionweek. no need for prestigious acts - just jennie. ( who so easily gets cold )

the same girl who gets lost in art galleries and museums, spend hours on finding small cafes and scrapbooking shops on quiet sidestreets. ( that time, it was for a gift, to capture memories that will last longer than her ) and would never forget to buy fridge magnets, even though her mother tells her they have enough of her souvenirs in the family home. debatable, according to jennie.

photos posted the same day she sees a common friend celebrate a special day, hence the balloon emoji. it isn’t random, because nothing ever is.