I've been pushing my own nose ring back in. I've been sliding my own glasses back up. I've been pop hunting on my own. Watching Daredevil without your endless excited rants. Reading articles about wrestling because I've gone without your biweekly updates and laying on the couch in your game room watching with you. I've been pushing on without rubbing your back every night, sleeping in my spot on your bed, seeing your dogs, feeling your hands on my back, and even hearing your voice at all. Sometimes I still feel like I'm missing something when you don't call me every night at around 10pm to tell me about how work went. I still feel panic when I realize the last time I saw you, you cried and held me for a few moments, telling me you missed seeing me. I still get this urge to call you whenever something happens, like when I see cool exclusive pops or I find something I know you would love. I still get the urge to buy you things, like I always did, anything that reminds me of you or just cool stuff I find that you would love. Comic book stores and concerts feel like something is missing, because I'm there without you. What hurts the most at this point isn't how we broke up, its not you lying or going behind my back to get back together with her. It's not all the countless shitty things you've done throughout this, but it's that I've lost my best friend in all of this. You know me inside and out, you know my flaws and insecurities, you know my favorite songs and what makes me happy, and I know all the same of yours. I know eventually I will probably run into you, at a concert or the mall or a comic book store, somewhere. Maybe she will be there, and in that case I'm sure you'll either look away and act like I'm not there, or youll make a scene of some sort. If not, if it's just you, I'm at a complete loss on how it will go. Will you even be able to look at me, knowing how awful you've been to me? Will you have the guts to apologize, to say to me that you never wanted it to happen? I've learned that the boy who wasn't a coward, who was honest and faithful, who knew how to do the right thing, disappeared when she came back into your life. So you'll probably just walk the other way, and that's okay, because I'm sure I won't be able to look at the guy who used to keep me on my toes, hug me in the middle of the night, kiss me before he left for work, who wants to name his kid Chant and have metal music playing at his wedding, because you aren't even him anymore. I'm doing better, I'm getting there, and I'm going to be okay.
