You’ve altered my b r a i n c h e m i s t r y

I wake up thinking of you

I wait for your text and in the meantime

I’m invisible

Always in the waiting

Until I exist again

By the light of your attention

I’m losing the plot

My goals become secondary

Who are you to dictate whether or not I come alive

I was alive before I met you

Wasn’t I?

I’m losing my compass

Considering you North

Where was North before I met you?

Who do I am?

What am I want?

Longing for an idea. — Longing for a feeling.

Longing for an ideal. — Longing for infinity.

It doesn’t exist here. It’s not here.

This is not where it is.

I’m looking in cheap places for diamonds.

I am looking to find happiness within

— but in the meantime I long,

for a kiss and a tender caress.

And to join forces with you, and to reach enlightenment in tandem.

To use love as a vehicle, to get there faster.

To use the struggles and what I learn to make me learn the lessons faster.

To test me, to prove that I have understood.

I am not longing for a fantasy today.

Not with your looks, not with your words, not with the feeling.

I let you go today.

I’m disappointed now.

And isn’t this how it works?

And isn’t it all in my head?

As I thought it would be.

I’m not disappointed in you, I’m relieved.

I am free. I feel free today.

And the cycle will begin again, sooner or later.

I will come back and reach this point again,

hopefully not cynically. I hope I make it out okay.

Is it worth it?

What’s in it for me? Is it worth it?

What’s the point in playing like this?

What’s the point in playing adult? What’s the purpose?

Who’s the winner?

— Not me, unless I release.

If I release I’ve won. But will I even get to hold?

With this karma,

You never know.

Will I see you again, will I see you anew?

With our souls in the nude,

Or, MY soul bare,

but yours tucked in,

shoes on, foot at the door?

Will I make it if I dare? Will it be worth it?

Do I want this?

Am I taking what I think I can get?

Am I playing for scraps?

Have I given up hope for real love?

Never mind romance, for it can be faked.

But love? Can I get it?

Do I have sufficient credits? Can I afford the joy?

Or will I still be single in my 40s, like the woman in the soap opera I saw as a child?

All my fears became real. And I’m still alive.

But do I feel it?

And what will make me feel alive?

And do I want that?

Is it worth it?

Do I want it all? Sex? — Too much. Too messy.

Do I want kisses? — Many, please, yes.

Do I want cuddles? — As long as they aren’t too warm, as long as they aren’t uncomfortable.

Do I want a paper to say we belong to each other? — I don’t know. Is that even possible?

But DO I want it? — I don’t know.

DO I WANT THAT? Do I want to get married?

No. I don’t dream of getting married. But I want that kinda love.

What kind is that?

The kind of love that feels comfortable, and honest, and exciting, and true, and spiritual, and transcendent, and…

It’s not meant to last, is it? Not in this realm.

That kind of love is not made to be sustainable.

There’s bound to be heartbreak.

There’s bound to be an end.

There’s bound to be an end, in everything.

Can I be brave and take on what life brings, without grasping too hard, without fearing too much?

1. Remember death, don’t forget about it. This is key. Then when anger comes, it’ll dissipate faster, as soon as you realize this is not the impression you wanna leave behind in your loved ones, or in your own mind. Remembering death also helps you manage time and energy better. Is doomscrolling really how you want to spend your life? Is filling your mind with garbage really how you want to use your energy? Or on ruminating, creating fantasies, holding grudges…?

2. Guilt is awful, so make amends, at the very least in your heart and mind. Forgive yourself.

3. Don’t shrink. Once you’ve seen death in the eye you can’t really go back to reducing your existence to something so little. To something that begs, that grasps, or that holds itself to the standards & rules made by materialistic society. You are so much more than that, so much more vast. You cannot continue to hold yourself to such low standards in the way you act. The world will be what it will be, but you don’t have to succumb to that. You are not trapped. You can expand within the limits of your own beliefs. You are your own creation. Often times suffering is just a lack of perspective. There’s nothing to fear when you’ve already faced your own death.

4. Be intentional with your life and your time. Things are not just magically going to transform into your dream vision. You gotta work. You gotta act. You gotta participate— actively. You gotta do the thing, say the thing, put yourself in the situation. The crush is not gonna flirt with itself. The fear of singing on a stage is not gonna overcome itself. The family memories you wanna have are not gonna create themselves without your presence. The clothes are not gonna donate themselves. The creative project is not gonna materialize on its own. Etc. You understand?

It’s like I knew or something

Like I knew what to fear

So here are the indicators that this is supposed to be a Very Difficult Year.

· Solar Return’s ascendant is in the 12th house

· My Sidereal Solar Return warns about this being a year of reaping karmic seeds I planted in the past. And that there’s a possibility of illness or injuries that require hospitalization. As well as themes of feeling very limited.

· The Lunar Nodes are currently in my 6th (Aries, natal Mars) and 12th (Libra, natal Sun & Mercury) respectively

· I am going through a 12th house profection year

· Tibetan astrology says everyone with Mewa 3 is going to experience their Very Difficult Year starting in February 2024 (lunar year) and we’re supposed to take care of our health more, which I already need to do because…

· I have a chronic illness. Pulmonary Hypertension, which affects heart and lungs, and I had a relapse back in September, from which I am still on the road to recovery

· I am a Dragon in chinese astrology, and all Dragons are experiencing their “Obstacle Year” starting February 2024.

· Feng Shui’s Tai Sui falls on Dragons this year.

This is not a fear mongering post to anyone that shares any of these things with me, and certainly I am not trying to be pessimistic. I have been dedicating myself to Dharma (Buddhism) practice and have been investing in purifying my karma, doing Medicine Buddha practices, and working on transforming my mind to be better able to handle everything that life throws my way.

So this is a Journal-like blog to document this year. To lean onto throughout this self-undoing year which might seem daunting and uncertain, but if I take it one day at a time, it might be less so.

Cheers to making it to the other side!