lostsoulinvoid

all this time ive been despising myself for what i did to you. constantly believing that i am the monster others think i am. yes, i pushed you away. yes, it was horrible. yes, you begged for forgiveness and made pathetic apologies. but did you know that i almost died when i had to let you go? i used to cry everytime you came across my mind. everything was hard without you. my love, existing was hard without you. but i did. and ive never been more proud of myself because i survived. now im finally done and ready to really really let you go.

i really miss how we used to be. talking everyday and sharing every detail of our lives? roasting bullying and making fun of eachother every damn time? exchanging moon pictures and crying about how pretty she is? you being responsible mature mother and i being the overdramatic and childish kid? promising we would never ever loose touch? and now we don't even talk anymore. we aren't even on eachother socials. i miss us. even if there was never an “us”.

that kinda love when you come home after work all tired and exhausted, and im in kitchen making pasta for us. when we're in crowded places, you holding my hands so tightly and im like- “ i won't get lost, mother. ” and you say- “i know, i just love the fact how perfectly your hands fit in mine.” when im driving, your head resting on my shoulder. when you read my fav books for me, my eyes staring at your lips so ardently. where we both go our terrace and you watch the moon, i watch you. that. kinda. love.

missing you patiently is my job. waiting to see you for the next time, fantasizing about it, thinking what words we’d say to eachother at that moment, how many laughs and smiles are gonna be there, eyes staring at eachother as if there's a galaxy in them.

my best years seem to be like a forever ago. where i was truly happy and nothing was wrong and when we were together for the longest. my worst years seem to be like yesterday and when we were so apart. when you were there, i was happy. when you weren't, i was nothing at all.