perfectchemical

im 12 years old sitting on my bed reading it’s midnight it’s summer my window is open the crickets are very loud but very soothing my room smells dusty and warm and no one else exists. im 12 years old. the feeling never goes away.

being in love with the process and not the results is one of the healthiest things in the world

in this same vein: being proud of yourself for the work and not the product brings so much more happiness 

that james baldwin quote where he says, “it took many years of vomiting up all the filth i’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before i was able to walk on the earth as though i had a right to be here.”

take figures out of their boxes btw. sew patches on your favorite jacket. go to bed with your favorite plushes. wear the pants you usually save for special occasions. draw something cool on your wall. put a sticker on your laptop. dye your hair and pierce your lips. glass is meant to break, metal is meant to rust. items are meant to be used. that's how the world knows that somebody loved them.

When my aunt died of covid, we had to clean out a lot of stuff that she was saving. Foods she was going to try, she was a great chef, spices she'd never opened or only used sparingly, lotions and bath things she hadn't used. After she died I started making a point of using things up: the good vanilla that has to be imported, that we finally found more of, we'd used barely an ounce before she passed away. Even though we love it. I just got my family new bottles of it for Christmas because we used one up. We enjoyed that happiness. Sometimes I still get the impulse to wait for something special, or awful, to save nice things for celebration or comfort. The phrase that always echoes in my mind is "use the good vanilla". And I have been (burning the candles, squirting the body wash, dissolving the bath bombs, putting the saffron in things). And it's been great. Use the good vanilla.