For the hope of it all

@lostgrimesgirl asked: ▸ isn't that what they all said? that i'm fearsome and i'm wretched and i'm wrong. (Michonne 🥰) /// from this pile of memes

Michonne had felt like an outsider before too. When she had first come across Rick's group, they hadn't been so welcoming. Not that Michonne had been very friendly either. Still, it made for an uncomfortable adjustment. She understood the dynamics of being the new person in an established group and the suspicion that came with it.

They had allowed outsiders in before, and this shouldn't have been different. Lena was Rick's daughter, and some felt she was being given special treatment, a notion that stirred up old resentments and fears of favoritism. But wouldn't anyone have done the same for their own?

Still, that didn't stop the whispered judgments and cold stare from feeling like a dagger to Lena's already wounded armor. The loss of Carl still made every breath painful mixed with her heartbreak that she wasn't willing to name made everything feel far worse than it was.

Lena looked at Michonne as she spoke, taking in her words and trying to take comfort in them. Despite everything that had happened, her dad's girlfriend had been exceedingly kind to Lena.

The sun was setting over Alexandria, casting long shadows across the community. Aaron stood at the edge of the perimeter, his eyes scanning the treeline for any signs of movement. His grip tightened on the handle of his knife. The wind rustled the leaves, carrying with it the faint, distant groans of walkers. Aaron took a deep breath. Things were fairly quiet.

Lena froze when she saw Aaron giving her a smile and wave. She tried to return the smile but it felt forced her to here.

"Probably not," Lena admitted, "but I seem to be full of bad ideas as of late."

“ I know,” Lena said softly. “I’ll try to get him to stop, he listens to me sometimes, maybe if I can give him something he wants he’ll leave you alone.”

Lena was fairly certain there was very little she could offer to stop Negan, not when he got so much enjoyment out of tormenting her father and his community. It seemed too much like a game for Negan at this point. Part of her wondered if she threw herself at him, kept him in her bed, and on her side he’d let this entire thing go. She would turn herself into whatever Negan wanted her to be if it meant her family wasn’t under his radar anymore. She’d even be willing to have his child if that’s what it took, give the man an heir to his kingdom, and a reason to leave her family alone.

Now everything was different, now she had everything to lose, and it terrified her.

"Dad," Lena said looking at Rick, "there's not much more Negan can take from me at this point, except you and the kids. And I'll be damned if I let him take that from me too."

It was almost ironic how similar Lena and Rick were seeing things. Both were willing to do anything to keep those kids safe no matter the damage it did to them. Lena would take all the fights in the world with Negan if it meant her family was safe.

“ I know I should just let the whole Negan thing go, but I just wish I had answers about why he did what he did to me, you know?”

Ezekiel had told her about his conversation with Negan about how poorly he’d treated his wives, and Lena had felt comfort in the fact that someone had stood up for her and the other women. Ezekiel had been exceedingly kind to Lena, the two bounding over their shared love of theatre and animals. He’d told her stories about his time as a zookeeper. On her end, Lena had visited Ezkiel every day after his surgery and made him dinner while he recovered.

Lena looked over at the kids running around trying to keep her emotions at bay. She shook her head wiping her eyes as she felt tears forming. She knew she wasn’t being fair to her dad and that her anger was misplaced. She knew her anger was better placed at someone like Jadis or the general who had been controlling the CRM. She knew her dad had done everything he could to come home to his family.

“I know you didn’t want this, no one did, it just…” Lena shook her head again searching for words. She stared at the fireflies and her younger siblings, “ it just sucks.” She laughed a little at how silly it sounded, to sum up his nearly decade-long disappearance as ‘it sucks’ but she didn’t have any other words for it.

Lena let out a breath when Rick asked if it would have been better if he’d stayed 'dead’. Part of her wanted to hit him for even suggesting it, it sounded selfish and juvenile for him to even suggest it. The idea filled her with anger deep in her gut.

"I know, Dad," Lena said softly, turning her head and looking up at him. Lena sighed, ran her fingers through her hair, and looked back at the kids. She wondered how they saw their dad if they had Lena's innocent rose-colored glasses at that age. She hoped they did, and had the childhood innocence they were owed.

Lena began picking at her nails, watching her siblings, and then up at her dad again.

" I know you could fix everything if you could, Dad. If you had it your way we'd all get some peaceful happily ever after, I know you'd do anything to give that to Judith and RJ."

Lena thought about a conversation she and Brooks had a few weeks before they'd found out Michoone was bringing Rick home. They talked about once they got settled in their new home, they would try to build their own family. They wanted to build their own peace and happiness. Lena wanted it despite everything that had happened.

Lena had tried pushing her anger and hurt about everything that had happened with Negan to the back of her mind. It had been far more complicated the closer he worked with the Alexandrians. It felt like he was intruding on her hard-earned peace and just when she thought he'd vanished from her life once and for all, he reappeared. He was gone now, and Lena had found someone else. Yet his ghost still lingered, the emotional scars still haunting her. "I just want to scream at him sometimes, even if I know it wouldn't fix anything. I don't know if I want an apology or to punch him, maybe both." She shook her head a little, "and Dad doesn't need to know, I don't want him to feel guilty about stuff he can't fix and wasn't his fault in the first place." Lena remembered the guilt evident on Rick's face when she returned from the Sanctuary, barely able to sleep some nights, moving through her days like a ghost. Whenever she told Rick about her relationship with Negan she could see just how much he took her pain on himself. She knew he felt like he should have been there to stop the whole thing despite how irrational it had been. Then there had been Michonne, who by some miracle, had never treated her like the dangerous outsider so many of the other Alexandrians had. To this day Lena hadn't been sure she'd ever shook the label of Negan's wife and all that it meant.

Lena relaxed into Michonne's arm, closing her eyes and sighing. It felt good to have Michonne back, have someone else there to help carry the load, and have her back. She felt like maybe for once she could feel safe for at least a little while.

" You know, despite everything, I do really think most people are inherently good. I think most people just want peace and to feel safe with their loved ones."

"I think RJ got your brains, that kid is wicked smart. I know you knew that, but you should hear how his teachers talk about him." Lena had started working at the school at The Common Wealth and couldn't help but eavesdrop whenever she heard the other teachers talking about her siblings. "Judith joined the debate club, and you should see her speeches, that girl is going to lead this place someday." Lena smiled feeling the familiar pride she often felt when talking about her siblings.

"I know, I just..." Lena shook his head, "he's been through enough and has spent too much time worrying about me. He needs a break from it, and I'm good, Negan's gone so it doesn't matter."

"Judith tell you that I'm seeing someone?" Lena asked looking at Michonne trying to change the subject. "It's her fault we even became friends," she joked. "He got us a house in the Commonwealth. He's there now, he didn't want to intrude on our family time."

Lena thought about when she met Brooks for the first time when she picked Judith up from her debate club meeting, Judith wearing the smile she had when she was in the middle of a plan. They'd talked about Judith and her new job at the school for the younger kids. It had been the easiest conversation Lena had had in years. Over the next couple of weeks when Lena had picked Judith up, she and Brooks would stay and talk, the couple-minute conversations getting longer and longer. Then one day Judith invited Brooks to their house for dinner and he never left after that.

"Carl would have been proud of them, would have loved to see them getting to live like this," Lena murmured. She thought about her lost little brother often, there had been so many nights where it was just her and the kids she wished he had been there too. She wished he could see everything Rick and Michonne had built, how things turned out so close to how he wanted it to be, even if it was longer than any of them thought.

Lena felt her face flush at Michonne's words. "They're going to go far in life," she agreed. Lena looked out at the night in front of them, she thought about the times she let her anger or stubbornness get the better of her and how people would say she looked just like her dad in those moments. She tried to be the good parts of her dad too, his kindness and willingness to work with others for the betterment of his community. Lena often felt herself falling flat to the expectations of those who knew Rick's legacy.

Lena looked at her dad as he spoke. Rationally she knew Negan wouldn’t kill her, but she wouldn’t put it past Simon if he felt like her relationship with Rick was too dangerous. She knew Simon wasn’t above killing women while despite all Negan’s faults he did have lines he wouldn’t cross. She didn’t know how to explain that to Rick though, not without causing him more pain.

“I’m always careful Dad,” Lena teased trying to ease the tension in the air.

Lena wrapped her arms around her dad, “ I need you to be careful too, I can’t lose you either, Dad. Neither can Judith or Carl.” Lena pulled away and then bit her lip trying to figure out how to say what was running through her mind.

" I know," Lena said softly. "I'll try to get him to stop, he listens to me sometimes, maybe if I can give him something he wants he'll leave you alone."

Lena was fairly certain there was very little she could offer to stop Negan, not when he got so much enjoyment out of tormenting her father and his community. It seemed too much like a game for Negan at this point. Part of her wondered if she threw herself at him, kept him in her bed, and on her side he'd let this entire thing go. She would turn herself into whatever Negan wanted her to be if it meant her family wasn't under his radar anymore. She'd even be willing to have his child if that's what it took, give the man an heir to his kingdom, and a reason to leave her family alone.

Annie had been nothing but kind to Lena anytime they had interacted, she seemed like a reasonable and sane woman but she still wasn't entirely sure if she trusted her or not. There was also a part of her that just felt unbridled rage that Negan had been able to fix himself but hadn't done it for her.

"Things were a mess there for a while," Lena admitted, " but Mercer and Ezekiel have done a great job making the place really special. It feels almost like somewhere from before."

Lena bit the inside of her lip and watched her dad carefully as he spoke. She shook her head a little trying to keep her emotions at bay. She knew it wasn't rational to be mad at her dad for what had happened to him. She knew she was being selfish and irrational to hold any of it against him. Yet, there was a part of her that was so mad she'd had to mourn him again, only for him to reappear once she finally had gotten her life together. She had been a mess when Rick had disappeared, hadn't slept, and barely ate. She'd thrown herself into trying to rebuild her community.

"I just feel like you don't hear me when I told you I want to stay with Brooks at our home," Lena said looking at her dad. "You've mentioned moving here every time we've seen you and I feel like it's not a fair ask Dad."

Lena looked back at the kids before looking at her dad, "I love you, and I'm so glad you're home. Judith and RJ need you while they grow up. I need you in my life too Dad, I just am terrified of losing you again. I don't have it in me to mourn you again."

" I know I should just let the whole Negan thing go, but I just wish I had answers about why he did what he did to me, you know?"

Ezekiel had told her about his conversation with Negan about how poorly he'd treated his wives, and Lena had felt comfort in the fact that someone had stood up for her and the other women. Ezekiel had been exceedingly kind to Lena, the two bounding over their shared love of theatre and animals. He'd told her stories about his time as a zookeeper. On her end, Lena had visited Ezkiel every day after his surgery and made him dinner while he recovered.

Lena looked over at the kids running around trying to keep her emotions at bay. She shook her head wiping her eyes as she felt tears forming. She knew she wasn't being fair to her dad and that her anger was misplaced. She knew her anger was better placed at someone like Jadis or the general who had been controlling the CRM. She knew her dad had done everything he could to come home to his family.

"I know you didn't want this, no one did, it just..." Lena shook her head again searching for words. She stared at the fireflies and her younger siblings, " it just sucks." She laughed a little at how silly it sounded, to sum up his nearly decade-long disappearance as 'it sucks' but she didn't have any other words for it.

Lena let out a breath when Rick asked if it would have been better if he'd stayed 'dead'. Part of her wanted to hit him for even suggesting it, it sounded selfish and juvenile for him to even suggest it. The idea filled her with anger deep in her gut.