Bye-Bye, Fat.

I just want to die.

This week has been horrible- I binged almost every fucking day.

So I went from 114 to 119.

So this has been a horrible week.

I binged on Thursday, all the way to Tuesday, today.

How much do I weigh now?

120 fucking pounds.

Just when I got to 115, I gained five fucking pounds.

I just want to die.

I fucking hate the scale.

That number, 119 just screams at me. I want to work out- but I'm just such a fucking delightful lard-ass that I won't.

So what's my new plan?

300 calories a day.

My mom is just being a tiny bit of a bitch- forcing me to eat shit I don't want. I mean, really mom, I FUCKING HATE MILK. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES IN A CUP? God.

 And I was doing so well- just 150 calories consumed. Then -BAM!- milk= plus 115.

 Thanks a shitload.

So.

That's where I am now...

But I have to be 110 by February 18th...

Eight Pounds.

21 days.

So that's where I am now.

Huh.

So, I gotta be 110 pounds or under by February 18th, since that's when I'm trying out for SMTown auditions.

I suppose that I should be proud, but for some reason, I just feel...

Fatter.

Although I've already reached up to three goal weights, I just feel even more disgusting and fat than usual.

Other news: I found out that I'm a size 2-4. D'aww, that just makes me happy on the inside. But not good enough~

100 POUNDS, HERE I COME.

129 fucking pounds- now it's 127-128 when I'm hungry.

129 pounds is...fuck.

 So it's either now or never that I post my goal weights, deadlines, and what I'll reward myself with.

 135lbs- (achieved!) Nothing

 130lbs- (achieved!) A new shirt- $15

 125lbs- Nothing

 120lbs- A new shirt

 115lbs-Nail Polish

 110lbs- Nail Polish

 105lbs- DocMartens

 100lbs-A new whole outfit!

 I need to get to 115 at MOST by the end of February. It's about 13 pounds, but that's realistic in two months, right? Hmm.

 (I'll probably just be screaming at myself to lose 10lbs per month...107 pounds by the end of Feb. That would be a dream come true...)

What. The Hell.

 This week was a busy week- I hadn't exercised for, what, three days? And when I go out with friends, I eat just...so much.

 Wendy's. Fuck you.

 If you don't count walking everywhere, I didn't exercise.

 129.

 I was 127.

  That would've meant I lost 10 pounds since thanksgiving- but no- my body decided to fuck everything up.

 Two fucking pounds. I feel like dying. It's all my moms fault- she thinks I'm eating too little, exercising to much- so she forces me to eat. Fucking bitch, it's all her fucking fault. I DON'T. WANT. TO FUCKING EAT.

 Well, on a more positive note- I achieved my first goal weight!

 :D

 :D

 :D

 :D

 :D

 :D

 :D

 :D

 I'm around 128-129 right now- but I no longer see the awful 130 lbs on the scale anymore, so I'm happy. But am I losing weight rapidly enough? I mean, yesterday I just went and walked and shopped with my friend a little, then I got a skype...I didn't exercise.

 I'll just make up for yesterday today, I guess.

 I binged.

 I fucking binged.

 This isn't even the first time- this month, I think I binged about four times. What the hell, Olivia? What the hell are you doing? Get off your ass and exercise.

Weight: 137.4 (at 6:40)

EATING! (bleh)

Lunch: 4 chicken nuggets

           a carton of chocolate milk

Dinner: Some egg soup

           Big plate of Rice Cakes

Snacks: Small bowl of veggies

EXERCISE!

100 jumping jacks

30 crunches

10 minutes of tucks, one leggers, in and outs (oh my), scissors, and slalmons

25 minutes of bent-over rows, dead lifts, and sidebends

 Are you fucking kidding me?

 137.4

 137.4 motherfrakking lbs.

 Ohmygod.

 And today was half-day, too. What the hell? I can't believe this. I have no idea if this is just my body naturally fluctuating, or what. But seriously? I gained two pounds. In a day. What the hell, world? God. I need to run tomorrow. Run like hell.

Weight: 135.4 (6 pm)

EATING! (gross)

Breakfast: Chicken fingers (asian)

Lunch: Two pieces of bread with meat and veggies as filling.

Dinner: Small bowl of soup

          Small bowl of fish with spinach

Snacks: Small bowl of Blackberries

            A bunch of seedless grapes.

EXERCISE!

30 side bends (on one side)

20 tummy tucks (both legs)

30 skater lunges (both legs)

90 Jumping Jacks

100 curl ups

25 lunges (both legs)

20 candles