I am here.

There was always a reason that things happened, 

That my life would fall into place 

If I just tried hard enough. 

It's been an endless fight for some stupid ideal, 

A future that doesn't exist. 

It's been too long, 

I've been seeing it happen with everyone else, 

But me? 

I'm still here 

Like those blasted chariot tracks from the Romans, 

It's simply never going to change.

Everyone else gets their ending. 

This is my personal hell, 

My infinite train station.

I'm here forever with the ghosts of my past 

And the demons whispering their little blasphemy in the back of my mind

You hear it enough, 

It whispers in my ear

And floods my thoughts with poison

It’s getting harder to deny the emerald-eyed bastard’s existence

I used to enjoy fighting it off

“I’m better than my demons”

I used to howl to the skies

These days it spews venom so fast

I’m drowning in it

The poison in my veins

Is starting to take over

I don’t know how much longer I can fight it

I don’t know how much longer

...I had that with someone once Holding on to feelings for someone like that will eat away at your insides, It starts to darken the edges of your reality- Your life becomes tainted with every positive memory of that person, Everything you wanted, everything you planned for It's not there And as you start to look back, it never really was Your memory starts to fill in the holes you didn't notice the first time, The warning signs look much clearer in hindsight

I used to think that if I tried hard enough, people would stay, That things would work out, As if life was some kind of Disney movie (It's crap, by the way, never let a fantasy blind you to what's actually going on) You have to work for everything. Love isn't going to pull you along, The world is full of things that pull people apart

The more you fight for something, The more you both work towards it, The more likely things are going to work out But that's not always the case Life is messy, and things change People change Your life turns and you find yourself moving in directions you didn't even think we're possible

But when you’re alone all of the time, Regardless of how many people are physically present, It’s nice to know that someone is there Even if it’s just a blurry pic with a silly caption

You don’t talk like you used to Pretending that things were childish It was less than a year ago, Did you know that?

Everything has become a struggle My life is beginning to fracture Yours might be taking off I’ll never know at this rate

Perhaps it’s for the best You don’t need me Not like that Don’t pretend to care

It’s not worth it, you know, Pretending that things are fine between us Every other conversation is nothing more than an argument You shouldn’t have to be tied down by my stupidity

I remember once

We were out late in my car

And you said something,

I don’t remember the exact words,

But it was something like,

“I text dry because I’m trying to scare you away,

But only to spare you from myself”

To be honest,

I don’t know which parts are real anymore

For all I know, it wasn’t

And just now it got me thinking

Do you mean your past or your personality?

Is it really for my benefit?

Or are you running from something else?

I’m lying on the cold tile floor

A gaping hole in my chest

It’s deep

You can see things you shouldn’t

Very little remains where my heart should be

My thoughts, emotions, fears,

They seep from the wound

And pool like puddles during rain

It hurts

I can’t see, I can’t move

I keep telling myself someone is coming to help

How long must I lay here

My insecurities bleeding onto the floor

Before I realize

I want to go all in

And others

I don’t even know who you are anymore

Do I know the difference?

It’s never clear which is which

For all I know

Romance is the best and worst thing to ever come into my life

Some days I wake up and think 

Today’s going to be a good day because you’re in it,

And others I wish it over before it even begins

The worst part

Is that I can almost picture the future

A life I know will never be

Simply because I am too afraid to try

It’s in an apartment,

A random moment in the beyond

It’s well past noon and we’re still in pajamas

Just existing, doing anything, it doesn’t matter

In that moment

Anything special could happen

But it doesn’t need to

It’s peaceful

I haven’t been this way in a long time

The excessive thoughts and dark clouds are gone,

A distant memory of some time before

The future is bright and clear

I can see it

But it’s far

And I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it

I don’t even know if I will ever be able to reach out

To take a chance

The world is waiting for it

Watching, as if something will change

Does it ever change?

Will anything I do,

Anything at all,

It does as it pleases

Which makes things like this hard