Whenever. Wherever.

It's bittersweet.

I always knew I would be left behind.

I didn't know when it would happen. I just know it was inevitable. And I'm accepting it or at least trying to.

But I would be lying if I told u it didn't shake me to my core.

Bc I feel a hundred emotions per minute and I don't understand how I flow from one emotion to the next. How I can be so empty, so sad, laugh, feel excited, find something funny, dread, then annoyance, laugh, then cry again in a matter of seconds.

Maybe I'm ready to let go. I no longer want to react angrily or with a "that'll show them" move.

Wanted closure, like if this was a friendship breakup I wanted to have a clean break. I give you your stuff u give me mine back. We go on our separate ways by that's what u want and I don't want to inconvenience u.

But silence speaks volumes. U cannot not communicate.

My therapist was right in the sense that I needed to reach out and say what I needed to say, communicate what was necessary for me and let go of any expectations of what they do with my input.

I was expecting a reply and checking and thinking about it obsessively (ofc, bc ocd). And to some extent I still am, but with the calm that comes when you've come to terms with the fact that u may not receive a reply at all. And that's just what it is. Not good, not bad, just the reality ur living in.

I think I would like to go to AA meetings but in person feels like a drag. But I would like community of sober people that have also lost invaluable relationships and experience due to alcoholism. Feels like to much to actually join a community like that where I live.

Then again I get some sporadic thoughts of making a list of people who are not allowed to mourn me when I'm gone.

Like, if we haven't spoken in 6 months and we live in the same country, you're out.

But I know that's not what I mean, I know exactly what I mean and I know it sprouts out of anger and disbelief.

I ought get some sleep.

Feeling very suicidal at the moment.

The sentiment of my last post is prevalent, why do things that are supposed to make me happy, leave me feeling void.

I just came home from a 7 day vacation trip. And I'm still tired of this gruesome trap called life. I don't want to be a part of it.

It doesn't make sense to me. It feels like a pointless riddle that everyone's figuring out with no end. I'm tired of riddles and feeling like this. Never ending sorrow.

Today has certainly been eventful. No one else is gonna say it so I'll say it even if it is to myself:

I'm so proud of you for not cutting, so so proud. I know I don't feel it all the time but I love you pls try not to give up. I know it feels imminent and inescapable but death comes for all in due time, stay a while pls don't rush it.

I can't believe I shed tears today over it.

I had worked so hard on my self esteem, on accepting my identity, and my asexuality.

For you to knock it over in mere seconds, a person that I had trusted to respect me, to see me, to accept me.

I let you disrespect me and instill insecurity in me. Let you strip me of what I spent years working so hard to achieve.

Matter of fact I never needed you to do any of those things.

I respect me. I see me. I accept me.

Trusting you and letting you in my life is a mistake I can't take back. And now I gotta live with the consequences of it.

Just last week I was reminiscing about how I had learned from you to put some ice over my puffy eyelids after crying my eyes out the night before. I caught myself thinking "see, there are at least some good things you taught me" despite knowing it was a mistake letting you in my life at all. Call it a silver lining.

Ah, but today I remembered. What the passing of time had me picturing as a nice memory of you 'lovingly' takibg care of me, was in fact a testament to the contrary. An action to counter act your venomous wounds left in me.

You see, the night before you called me subnormal for my identity. Scratch that, "for the record" you only implied I was subnormal because you, and I quote: "wanted to attack subtly". Gee thanks buddy, makes the world of a difference.

I trusted you and that was my mistake, one I can never take back.

I usually cry silently, with tears brimming in my eyes until they spill, dripping down my face without a sound.

That night I sobbed unable to control my ragged gasps for air. You, beside me, asking me what was wrong as if it wasn't evident. Me, unable to form words, only capable of communicating by shaking my head no. You held me in your arms while I cried myself to sleep. I cried hard.

And the very next morning you disguised ypurself as the caring hero tending to the wounds as if you didn't inflict them yourself. As if it was not by your hand and by your tongue.

And my brain. The fool. Reminiscing on a fragment of the ordeal, the selective amnesia can be blamed, as if it were a good thing that had happened between us.

So, I force myself to write this woeful letter to remind myself of the truth. To not fall prey to nostalgia and knock of its rose coloured glasses off my face.

All I know is loss and grief.

I miss my abuelito.

I miss my dad, even though my father isn't dead, but it doesn't feel like he's still here. He left me. I had never had a dad who failed me and now he's distant and away.

Things will never be the same.

My abuelito died and everything is worse now. I came back for my family and it fell apart; on all fronts. My mother's side of the family fell apart, I have an estranged brother, my dad broke my family and abandoned us, his mom is senile and no longer recognizes any of us, I barely see my dad's side of the family.

What is even the point then?

It's pointless. I am aimless, no sense of direction.

I am tired.

I don't want to have a dad who fails me but that is all that I have.

I miss my friends. I long for so many things I once had and the nostalgia is brimming to the point of chocking me with fruitless memories and wishes for what once was.

I am tired.

I wish I could sleep forever and ever and ever.

I wish I never had been awake at all.

I am not old but I am tired, I'm not strong I'm very weak, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm not here I'm somewhere else, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm 196 in dog years and I have seen enough... I've seen enough.

I am not old but I am tired, I'm not strong I'm very weak, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm not here I'm somewhere else, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm 196 in dog years and I have seen enough... I've seen enough.

I am not old but I am tired, I'm not strong I'm very weak, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm not here I'm somewhere else, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm 196 in dog years and I have seen enough... I've seen enough.

I am not old but I am tired, I'm not strong I'm very weak, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm not here I'm somewhere else, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm 196 in dog years and I have seen enough... I've seen enough.

I am not old but I am tired, I'm not strong I'm very weak, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm not here I'm somewhere else, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm 196 in dog years and I have seen enough... I've seen enough.

I am not old but I am tired, I'm not strong I'm very weak, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm not here I'm somewhere else, I'm not old but I am tired, I'm 196 in dog years and I have seen enough... I've seen enough.