Cock, Balls And His Ass

Thank you for all the kind words. Looking back I have made so many mistakes. I have been misleading in my character, honesty, and the person that i portray myself to be. I have lied and I have cheated (believe it or not, those one time sex filled conversations we have in line, is without a doubt, a form of cheating.) Bodily fluid doesn’t need not be exchanged for it to be considered cheating. Those of us that are not on the receiving end, we tend to overlook how our partner will feel if they find out, because at that very moment we are being very selfish and all we can think of is that it made us feel good. I just can’t say this enough, live and love like you were dying. Say the things today that you may not have the chance to say tomorrow. Let your actions be a reflection of the person you want to be remembered as. Don’t take today for granted. Tomorrow is merely a hope and not a guarantee.

What I have taken away from the sudden loss of my husband. You can’t go back. Let your actions of today be the way you want to be remembered. I want my husband, if there is an afterlife, to remember me as a loving wife, one that was faithful and true to him. That’s what I want now, however, that’s not the way I behaved while he was alive. Instead I put my selfish needs before his. I thrived on Internet attention. I spoke inappropriately with men, in a manner that most partners would consider cheating. Purely because I liked the attention. Mike gave me attention, more than I could have asked for. He spoiled me, he cared for me, I always came first. If he knows now what I tried to hide from him then, he knows that I am not the woman he thought I was. He knows that I lied to him. The one thing I struggle to let go of is the guilt. Mike, was a good man. He deserved better than what I gave him. Why? The men I spoke with on line were nothing to me, except a fleeting moment of satisfaction. My husband made me feel beautiful and desirable. Why was that not enough to sustain me? Now, I wonder, if he knows, does he think the same if me? I post this, hoping to make a difference. You can’t go back and apologize. Treat those you love with respect. If he knows now the things I have done, he would never forgive me. I can’t even look at myself in a mirror, how will ever face him, if there is an afterlife.

Life is something we all take for granted. We do not value those we love enough. Much of the time we take them for granted and assume that they will be there tomorrow. This life is not a dress rehearsal. It’s the real thing. I lost my husband two weeks ago, very unexpectedly and I now struggle to make sense of this thing we call life. Why are we given love and we abuse it? What have we done to deserve their presence and undying love, and what did they do deserve the neglect and sometimes heartache that they receive from us. I say “us”, because to many of us can relate to receiving the kind of love that most people only dream of an abuse it. I feel I have done that. Now, here I am, no chance to rectify my wrong, unable to say I am sorry. Unable to say goodbye. I will now spend the rest of my life regretting the “I love you’s” I didn’t take the time to return. The kisses that I let pass, those moments that to him were so special and to me seemed so meaningless. Moral of my story, Love them as much as you say you do. Let your actions be a positive not a negative. For those that have messaged me, thank you. I will reach out soon. For now, I just need a moment to breathe and reflect.