Diary Of College Girl

⧖⧗Circa Diamond⧗⧖

The room is dark, mud walls obscuring any sort of light that tries to shine underneath the surface of the earth. It smells of dirt and wet soil, and it’s cold down here. No one had mentioned how cold it would be. Not even Captain Im, who advised you to come with a clear mind.

The wooden table where you place your two hands is stained with something dark. Something you hope is not blood. Your seat is unbearably uncomfortable. Not because there is no back support, but because in front of you, stands the General and the Lieutenant. There are no other chairs in the room, and you’re forced to look up at them.

With the exception of the flickering oil lamp on the floor, there is no other light source. The lamp casts dark shadows over the General and Lieutenant’s faces. It makes them look threatening. Like they’d do anything to get any sort of information out of you.

You gulp.

“So this is the interrogation room that you tried to haul me off to eight circas ago, sir,” you say, attempting to lighten up the dim atmosphere. “I never would’ve thought that it was underground, though,” you say. “Nice element of surprise.”

To your relief, the Lieutenant smiles a little. But the General barely moves a face muscle.

“We have instructed the officers who have already been questioned to stay silent. Since you are the last we will question, you will also be the one to tell the others that the investigation is over,” the General says. “This is not meant to be an interrogation, but we will keep some of the same formalities.” He never breaks eye contact. “Do you understand, Officer Ryu?”

You gulp. “Yes, sir.”

This is the intimidating man you remember seeing in Circa Sapph. The man who unknowingly ripped your stitches and showed you no mercy for your suspicious behavior. You wonder where the man who tenderly cared for your burn wounds is. The man who would secretly deliver matches into your tent. The man who showed you kindness when you needed it.

“You’re to tell no lies, Officer Ryu,” the Lieutenant says. Her usual warm eyes are now cold and guarded. It’s strange… These are two people who you’ve come to know so well in the past several circas. But now they’re acting like you barely know each other at all. It hurts, but you suppose it’s the right thing to do. “If you do lie, we will know,” the Lieutenant continues. “But you should have no reason to lie, Officer. Unless you’ve got something to hide.”

“No, sir. I’m an open book,” you say. “I’ll tell the truth. I promise.”

“Then, we’ll get right to it,” the General says. He steps closer to you, lips curved slightly down and eyebrows twisted. His presence makes you want to sink into your chair, but you force yourself to remain still. “When you woke up in Circa Sapph, eight circas ago, what did you know?”

“I knew my name, sir.”

“Your entire name?”

“No, sir. Just my first.”

“And you’re claiming that is all you remembered?”

“Yes, sir. I can’t remember anything else.”

He frowns, taking a step closer. “Then how will you explain your battle plans?”

Your eyes widen. “If… if I’m being honest, sir… I can’t. I just… I just drew what came to my mind. But not once did I stare at my own drawings and recognize anything.”

“So you’re telling me, in the eight circas that you’ve spent here without the memories of your past, you’ve never had a single moment where you recognized someone or something?”

His words spark a memory in you.

A memory that you remember being electric. Another memory that you remember being so… warm.

“Ah. You do recognize something.” The General takes another step forward. He’s almost hovering over you, his hands splayed on the wooden table as he stares into your eyes. “What do you remember?”

“I-It’s…” You fidget. “It’s not that I remember, but… There have been moments, sir… Moments where someone has felt familiar…”

“Who?” he whispers.

“M-My friend, sir. Baek… Hana? Soldier Baek? And… t-the fire tiger. Heli… There’s something about him, sir. I feel as if I’ve known him from before…”

“And you never bothered to say anything because…?”

“Because I didn’t think it was important, sir,” you confess. “I thought I was going crazy. I don’t know why they’re the only ones who feel familiar to me, sir. I know as much as you do.”

The General raises his eyebrows. “In fact, you do not. There are other things that you haven’t told me. Things that you’ve deemed as unimportant. Or really, is this just a hoax to hide your secrets?”

“It’s not, sir!” you say.

“Is Ryu Y/N your real name?” he says.

“I-I don’t know, sir.”

“Is Y/N your real name?”

“I really do hope it is, sir.” A small pause. “But I don’t know for sure, either.”

“Then what do you know?”

The General glares down at you like you’re nothing but the mud smudged on his shoes. He’s so close to you that you can finally delineate his delicate features in the darkness. Except for this time around, his gentle features are marred by a formidable frown. It makes your hands tremble, and you hold them together to hide it. This is just an act. He has to be like this. He doesn’t hate your guts, does he? He’s just doing this to fish information out of you. Because if he were too kind right now, it wouldn’t be fair for the others.

“I know…” You gulp. Steady. There’s no reason to feel so guilty if you’ve done nothing wrong. “I know that I’m a Solarian Officer, sir. I know that I’m a fire medium and that I’ve been creating battle plans for the army. I know that I’ve been decoding monocode for the past several circas, and I know that I was the one who suggested that there might be a spy amongst the officers.”

“Those are things that everybody knows,” the General says. His eyes darken, but before you think he will hold you by the collar, he leans away, sighing. He brings his hands behind his back, his posture slightly slouching, and he turns away from you, unable to make eye contact.

It is silent for a while. Your eyes dart around the dark room, and you see the Lieutenant leaning against the wall, looking alert but quite bored at the same time. She, like the General, is quite the actor. They’ve both managed to convince you that they do not care about you at all. It’s starting to get into your head.

“Did you know, Officer Ryu, that we have asked every single person before you to pinpoint who they thought the most suspicious officer was?”

Your head jerks up and you look at the General with wide eyes.

“And would you like to guess how many of the fifteen officers thought you were the culprit?”

You would rather not know this information.

“Eight,” he says anyway. “Eight out of fifteen officers were more or less convinced that you work with the Darlaeans. I must add that if you are a spy, you are doing a terribly shitty job.”

You stare at your hands in disbelief. Eight out of fifteen is quite a lot—more than half! You didn’t think you were friends with them all, but you did think of yourselves as acquaintances… Which officers had deemed you untrustworthy? And can you gain their trust in the future?

“Do you think I’m the spy, sir?” you say.

Your question makes the General’s eyes widen for a split second before he maintains his stoic expression. “And what makes you think you can ask the questions here?”

Now you’re starting to think that this is looking out to be a real interrogation.

“We investigated your tent a couple of days ago.”

You look up slowly, unsure how to feel. “Did you find anything… sir?”

“Are you hiding anything… Officer?”

“No, I’m not, sir,” you say. “I have nothing to hide.”

But as soon as those words come out of your mouth, an image of the necklace flashes in your mind. Unbeknownst to yourself, you’d just lied. You’d completely forgotten about that stupid, stupid necklace. The necklace that you were so keen on letting go of for your present self’s sake.

But you hadn’t hidden it because you’re a spy and that necklace holds some sort of important information regarding your mission here. You’d hidden it because you wanted to keep it safe. Because it was the only clue back to your past.

For fuck’s sake. Maybe you should’ve thrown it away when you had the chance.

Had they found it hidden behind your futon?

Had it accidentally rolled under your futon in the past several circas? (Thanks to the rough tossing and turning you do in your sleep?) Had it been so well-hidden that they weren’t able to find it?

Or did they find it and are they testing you to see if you’ll lie about it? Are they going to punish you?

But it’s a necklace, for Sooht’s sake! It’s jewelry. They’re not going to punish you for hiding precious stones, are they?

Still… Should you confess? Just in case? Or will that make you look even more suspicious? But before you can make up your jumbled mind:

“Good,” the General says. “We didn’t find anything out of the ordinary.”

Your heart feels like it is sinking and soaring at the same time. Is this good news? Or is it bad news?

The necklace is just a necklace. So why do you feel as if you’ve committed a war crime, hiding it?

“There is one last question that I must ask you,” the General says. It makes you both anxious yet filled with relief. It’s almost over.

The General stares straight into your eyes, giving you no room to lie. And quietly, he whispers: “Do you think you’re a Darlaean spy?”

You hesitate.

Why does this feel like some sort of trap?

You try to search the General’s eyes for some sort of answer, some sort of comforting emotion. But you find neither.

Saying yes would probably be the worst answer you could possibly give. But if you say no, you’re risking the chance of lying. Because how would you know if you’re a Darlaean spy? You wouldn’t remember. And what if the necklace really does contain covert orders hidden inside the gem? You’d never bothered to look at it twice. In fact, you haven’t looked at it since Cira Sapph last year. How would you know?

How do you answer this?

“It’s not a hard question,” the General says. “Yes or no. Do you think you’re a Darlaean spy?”

“I… don’t know, sir.”

He scoffs in disbelief. “You… don’t know?”

“How would I know if I wasn’t, sir? What if my being an officer is going to jeopardize the entirety of the Solarian Army? What if… What if I am—”

“That’s enough,” the General says. “Never in my life have I seen anyone break apart this easily during an investigation.”

“Y/N, we didn’t torture you in the slightest, and you’re doubting yourself as if you really are guilty,” Doyun says. She sighs, walking towards you and outstretching her hand for you to take. You do, and she helps you stand up. “It was honestly painful to watch, Y/N. What Yoongi said was true. Eight out of the fifteen we questioned believed you were most likely to be the spy. But the majority doesn’t always have to be right. We searched your tent, and we found nothing. You find unexplainable comfort in Soldier Baek and the fire tiger, and you’ve been subconsciously trying to explain yourself by tricking yourself into thinking they’re familiar. Y/N, we questioned you so that you can prove your innocence. You answered as if you wanted to prove yourself guilty.”

“I’m sorry… It was just that…”

Oh no.

A horrible thought occurs to you.

The necklace. Hadn’t it held a dainty, diamond pendant? A white diamond.

If you’re not mistaken, that’s a gemstone. In fact, this very fucking circa is Circa Diamond. And everybody knows the twelve circas represent the twelve Darlaean gemstones.

For Sooht’s sake, you really are screwed.

Are you really hiding away a Darlaean artifact?

Why the hell are you in possession of it? Who had given it to you? Had it not been a former lover? Had it not been a gift?

What is the necklace?

Are you who you fear you are?

“It was just that… what?” the General asks. His eyebrows are raised, but that formidable look on his face is gone. It looks like the investigation is officially over.

“I—sorry. I started overthinking again,” you say, shaking your head. No. That necklace has to be a gift. You can feel it. And this is an instinct you can finally trust. You offer them a meek smile. “I have no evidence to support myself. But I also have no evidence to convict myself, either. What will happen to me?”

“I… don’t know,” the General says, mimicking the exact way you’ve been saying that phrase for the past several minutes. But when you give him a mortified look, he blinks and realizes maybe that wasn’t a good joke to make. “I mean,” he clears his throat awkwardly, “the Lieutenant and I would like to confer. There are other confessions we must take into account. So for the time being, you’re free to leave, Officer.”

You nod. “Sir?”

“Will we still be able to train tomorrow morning?”

Even after every mean word he has thrown your way today, you’re still hopeful. He nods, and your eyes light up with mirth.

“And Doyun! We’re still on for the late-night picnic today?”

“Sure are!” his lieutenant answers.

He and Doyun watch you leave the room, disappearing behind a large, wooden door to walk up the stairs back to the surface. And the moment you’re gone, Doyun turns to him.

“What is going to happen to her?”

He runs his hands through his hair, unable to answer.

“You were way colder to her than you were to the others, you know,” she says. “‘And what makes you think you can ask the questions here?’ A little harsh, don’t you think?”

“The others didn’t try to ask us questions,” he says, but inside, he can’t help but feel a little guilty. Why was he so unnecessarily cold towards you? It was as if he was trying to push you away. But you’re almost as stubborn as he is. He knows you’ll always come back to him (and with a surprising attitude, too).

Yoongi sighs. “I can’t shake this strange feeling off, Doyun.”

“What?”

“If more than half of our officers think she’s suspicious, they’re seeing something that we’re obviously missing.”

“Do you want to know what I believe, Yoongi?”

He raises his eyebrows. “You look like you know something I don’t, Lieutenant.”

“I might.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “Let’s say that she is a Darlaean spy.”

“Preposterous.”

“But most signs point to the fact that she is.”

He stays silent.

“Let’s face the facts, shall we? She came to us unable to wield any of the elements. She was strangely able to predict the Darlaean movements on the battlefield. Not a single person in our army remembers who she is. She believes that Soldier Baek and the fire tiger are familiar to her, but how can they be? No one knows who she is. And who knows if the name on the file I found and she is even the same person? We didn’t take photographs of our soldiers.”

Yoongi places a hand on his throbbing forehead. “For Sooht’s sake, Doyun.”

“But I really do think she’s lost her memories.”

“You’re saying that she originally came here to spy on us, but she got into some accident on the battlefield and we took her in, thinking she was one of ours. She really did lose her memories, and now, she thinks she’s loyal to Solaria.”

“It’s the only way we can explain so much, Yoongi,” Doyun says. “And the Darlaeans. They’re panicking because they’ve obviously lost one of their most intelligent soldiers. They probably didn’t think that she would start working with us. It would explain their messages, too. She’s supposed to understand them, but she can’t. Not when she can’t remember anything from her past.”

“But… one of my soldiers… They couldn’t detect any gemstone on her,” he says. “Do you really think a Darlaean would’ve purposefully eradicated their ability to do magic?”

“She could’ve lost it on the battlefield,” Doyun says. “Or she disposed of it before she tried to infiltrate our campground.”

“Here’s the thing, Doyun,” Yoongi sighs. “What if she gets her memories back? Who’s to tell? And how would we know if she started working against us? What if she never even lost her memories in the first place?”

“The Darlaeans would never allow their spy to aid in our victory—even if it were just for show,” Doyun says. “Either they’re planning something so large that we couldn’t have seen it coming, or they made a simple mistake that is going to cost them their victory. She’s on our side, Yoongi. Just listen to the way she talks about this nation. She loves Solaria, and she’s loyal to us. It doesn’t matter what she was before. She’s with us now.”

“You underestimate her ability to overthink, Doyun,” Yoongi says. “You think she hasn’t already thought of this possibility? This investigation might’ve just pushed her over into realizing that she is the Darlaean spy. Once she starts remembering her past, it’s over for us.”

“Even if she does remember,” Doyun says. “What makes you think that she’ll immediately go back to the Darlaeans? What if she realizes that she belongs in Solaria? That she’s always belonged?”

“I don’t know…” Yoongi says. He closes his eyes, massaging his aching forehead. “We can’t even say we’re absolutely sure that she is the spy. The Darlaeans would never waste a good soldier to spy on us. Look at the past spies we’ve caught. They’ve all been massive idiots—horrible actors and even worse people. I doubt that the ones we didn’t catch even returned to Darlae with substantial information. We keep everything between us officers…”

“You’re in denial, Yoongi,” Doyun says, shaking her head. “Look, we’re both fond of her. So what if she is originally Darlaean? She’s done nothing but help Solaria. Didn’t you take her to meet the king? If she really did remember her past, do you really think she would’ve let that opportunity to slay his majesty pass by?”

“That’s a good point,” Yoongi mutters.

“And she’s a fire medium, now,” she says. “A Darlaean would’ve never been able to do that. Think of her as a reborn Solarian,” she says. “She isn’t a spy, Yoongi—if she even was one in the first place.”

“So you’re saying we should disregard her past,” he says slowly. “We’ve killed more for doing much less than what she set out to do… theoretically, that is.”

“I trust her,” Doyun says. She stands up tall—something she tends to do when she tries to make a point. “Do you?”

“Of course I do.”

How can he not?

All those late nights and early mornings… Spending an entire day with you in the capital… You’d confessed to him that you fight to end the war. Not only that, but you fight to end the war in Solaria’s favor.

He suddenly recalls the vision you had explained to him just barely a circa ago. The vision where you were riding on your fire tiger, embracing a Solaria free from war and death, embracing an Alder that isn’t a war campground, and riding towards a blazing sun.

For Sooht’s sake. Of course he trusts you. In fact, he trusts you so much that it scares him.

“So what’s your final call, General?” Doyun says, a teasing smile on her lips.

“Spy or not, we will treat her as if she is our own,” he says. “As for the investigation… We’ll tell them that everyone is innocent. There is no spy in the Solarian Army. At least, for now.”

“Do you think the others will believe us?”

“No,” he replies. “But someone has to believe in her. We can’t let her doubt herself. She’s Solarian as far as she knows—as far as we know, too.”

“How complicated,” Doyun sighs. But she shakes her head, a grin appearing on her lips. “If she really is a Darlaean spy… It makes you think,” she says. “Maybe they’re not that different from us at all.”

Yoongi finds that idea absolutely abhorrent.

⧖⧗Circa Emerald⧗⧖

You were about sixty-two percent sure that you would be kicked out of the officer meetings. Instead, you were pleasantly surprised by good news. The General and Lieutenant deemed that every officer is innocent.

It makes you feel better because, for a moment, you’d started doubting yourself. Now, you’re glad to know that your theory is wrong. That there is no spy and nobody knows what kind of plan the Darlaeans are brewing.

Of course, there is the necklace. But every time that thought comes to you, you shoo it away. It’s just a fucking necklace, for Sooht’s sake. There’s nothing deep about it at all. A necklace from a former lover. A necklace that you should seriously dispose of.

A diamond necklace that doesn’t hold any secret message in it.

It means nothing to you. Especially after decoding last circa’s message.

As usual, the code had confused everyone. From ‘Kwang’ to ‘opal’—another gemstone. Though most officers had been even more perplexed about the code than before, you were rather glad. Opal is good—great, even. Because nothing significant ties you to it at all. If your necklace had a dangling opal pendant, that would’ve been another (terrifying) story. You can’t possibly be connected to these strange Darlaean messages. And they aren’t trying to speak to you through ancient code.

You’re not the spy.

In fact, there is no spy.

It’s been rather comforting ever since the investigations. There are still officers who express their distaste for you, but for the most part, everyone is kind and civil. You’ve been here for nearly nine circas. If you wanted to do something diabolical, you would’ve done so a long time ago.

So everything goes back to normal.

You train with the General at dawn, write battle plans, study the code and help cook in the kitchen tent by day. Sometimes, you meet with your acquaintances—early morning Incha sessions with Captain Im, casual afternoon meetups with Doyun and evening chats with Hana. (You no longer visit Captain Yoo by the water clock, but occasionally, you do visit Major Hyun in her garden—much to her delight.) By nightfall, however, you always head back outside to practice your fire wielding (with Heli to accompany you). You find it the most comforting to light the gorgeous flames out in the darkness; it gives the illusion that your fires are brighter than they really are.

And as early summer begins to kick in, the days grow longer. You’re not too opposed to it. It gives you more time to focus on your officer work, and there’s never a limit to how much you can do.

Today, in particular, you’re prepping for today’s dinner. The sun is still relatively high up in the sky, shining its rather hot heat down on everyone in the campground. You let the sweat drip down your brow as you lug around the giant water barrel filled with the dirty dishes from last night’s supper and today’s lunch.

As you’re crossing Alder’s flatland, some yelling and obvious commotion makes you turn your head.

There is a crowd of soldiers, surrounding someone. There’s some cursing, some cries of pain. You step closer, minding the large barrel you’re carrying.

What could be going on?

“I swear on fucking Guseul’s heart once I get out, I’m gonna kill you all!”

Your eyes widen.

That doesn’t sound like something a Solarian would say.

“Hold his arm! You! You grab his leg!”

There’s some more scuffling.

You step even closer.

Then, everything clears out, and you’re suddenly able to see exactly what’s going on.

Oh.

A Darlaean war prisoner.

He’s dressed in a sleek, black uniform with silver and purple accents. There’s crusted blood around his nose and lips, but instead of looking defeated, he looks incredibly angry.

A Darlaean.

So this is what they look like.

They look like any Solarian, to be quite honest. But you suppose it makes sense. If the Solarians had split from the Darlaeans many centuries ago, it would be strange to not have any similarities in appearance.

“I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you all!”

The fierce yelling makes you jerk your head upwards. But that action makes you meet the eyes of the Darlaean. Shivers run down your spine.

At the first glance, he looks like he wants to murder you, which is what he has been saying, anyway. But then he blinks. And strangely, his eyes soften.

And in his kind-looking eyes, you see recognition.

You freeze.

No.

You blink. You blink again to make sure you’re not hallucinating. Then, he grins. He fucking grins. And his smile… It’s what you would call a boxy grin—a grin stretched so wide that it resembles a soft-edged quadrilateral. You’ve never seen anything like that before. Do all Darlaeans smile like this?

And why… Why is he smiling at you?

Why doesn’t he hate you?

Why doesn’t he want to kill you?

You blink again.

The man continues to stare at you.

You stare right back.

For moments, you play a staring contest with this Darlaean stranger, unable to look away—even though you desperately want to.

And you watch, in time, as the bright, genuine smile on his lips begins to fade away. His eyes become wide and alert. A look of horror morphs onto his face.

“He stopped fighting! Take him away to the interrogation room!”

The man who had fought so hard for his freedom before is frozen still. You silently watch him get dragged away. And he can’t seem to take his eyes off of you, the terrified look on his face staying until he is completely out of your sight.

Your knees feel wobbly, and you have to settle the barrel down to lean on it.

Who was that man?

And why…? Why did he look at you as if you knew him?

What is going on?

You wanted to forget who you were before. You thought you were the new you. But it seems as though the spirits want you to uncover your past. First the spy accusations and now this. Things would be so much easier if you just remembered.

It’s a yes or no question.

Are you a Darlaean spy?

What if you are?

You sink down on the ground, holding onto the barrel as if it were your life support.

If the General and Lieutenant think you’re innocent, you must be… Right? Or… Or what if they made a mistake? What if you’re dangerous?

You try to swallow the difficult thoughts.

You’ll try to last until dinner is finished. But the moment it’s over, you’re going to have to visit the General.

He wouldn’t ship you off to the interrogation room again. Would he?

You’re shaking.

You’ve been standing outside the General’s tent for the past several minutes, trying to rehearse what you’re going to say to him. But every time, you realize what you’re trying to do is insanely preposterous.

Are you trying to turn yourself in?

Why the hell would you do that?

But the answer is obvious.

Because you care about Solaria, for fuck’s sake.

If you’re a danger to the army, you would want to know.

“You’ve been standing out there for eight minutes now,” a soft voice comes from inside the tent. “Are you rehearsing a play out there?”

“N-No,” you say, cheeks heating up in embarrassment. “I didn’t… uh, I wasn’t sure if you allowed anyone to visit you at this hour…”

“Come on in,” he says without hesitation.

Your palms feel clammy, but you do as he says, tentatively drawing the curtains to his tent and walking inside.

The General’s personal tent is not too grand for the General of the Solarian Army. In fact, you think it’s a little smaller than the Lieutenant’s tent. He has a modest futon in the corner and a rather large, wooden desk that takes up almost all of the space. He sits at his desk, papers piling up as he scribbles on some documents splayed before him. When he hears you stepping into his space, he looks up. And immediately, the cross look on his face disappears.

“Why, Officer, you look like you’ve seen a spirit.”

You might as well have seen a spirit. In fact, you suspect that would’ve made you feel better.

When you don’t laugh at his (obviously) hilarious joke, the General frowns. He crosses his legs and leans back in his chair.

“Don’t linger around the entrance,” he says. He gestures for you to sit on his desk. Hesitantly, you do so, careful not to put too much weight on it. “You look troubled, Officer.”

Oh, he has no idea.

“Well… sir…” you say, fidgeting with your hands. You look down at your feet. “I’d… I think I’d like to add on to my investigation case.”

The General cocks his head. “That investigation case is closed, Officer. It has been for nearly a circa. You were innocent. As was everyone else.”

“But that’s the thing, sir,” you say, voice slightly trembling. “I… I don’t think I can be 100 percent innocent.”

The General noticeably tenses. “How so?” he whispers in his husky voice. But there’s no sign on his face that makes you think he already suspects you.

If you tell him, will he be angry? Will he even believe you?

You let out a deep breath.

“Sir, a Darlaean war prisoner recognized me. I don’t know what to do.”

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⨰ a/n: a shorter chapter (for once) LOL. and gasp! me finally writing a cliffhanger???? what do you think about this new development in the plot? 😳😳

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