Borderline Personality Disorder Through My Eyes (Trigger Warning)
This is a poem I wrote a couple months ago and I figured I would share it with you guys. PLEASE DO NOT REPOST THIS AND CLAM IT AS YOUR OWN I HAVE WORKED VERY HARD ON THIS.Β
Attachments, not a big issue, right?
When I get attached it is game over.
Because attachment leads to something elseβ¦.
Abandonment is very frightening for me.
Once I get attached I fear that person will leave.Β
It is not just any worry, no.Β
It feels like someone took a knife,
And is stabbing me and taking their time inserting the blade,Β
Then it is repeated, millions of times.
Then, when I least expect it,
The word βgoodbyeβ is muttered.
The knife slowly twists.Β Β
What do I do when I feel like someone is going to abandon me?
I take frantic efforts to avoid it.
They must stay in my life.Β
They are the one thing that matters most in my life.
I will bring them gifts to remember me by,
Because when I know they are going to abandon me,
I want them to remember me for who I was.
Not who my disorder makes me.
When this fear comes true I am left in complete shock.
Feelings of self harm flood my mind.
As well as suicidal thoughts.
I canβt live without this person.
What purpose does my life have now that they are gone?
Because of this I fear bonding with anyone.Β
I keep memories of this person.
When I look at them they give me comfort.
It feels like they are with me.Β
During this stage I cry a lot.Β
I feel like life canβt go on anymore.Β
I have no purpose without this person.Β
I experience extreme mood swings.
Often in turn of something small.Β
I will start punching the walls.
I will start shouting obscenities at myself.
When something small happens, I am quick to react.Β
I quickly result to irrational thinking.
Which in turn leads to outbursts.
I sometimes resort to self medicating.
Sometimes with intent to kill myself.
Sometimes just as a form of punishment.
It is an attempt to punish myself.Β
For acting out in the smallest way,
Sometimes for other reasons.Β
It is my way of letting out the anger I have towards myself.Β
My relationship with my friends is very rocky.
If they say something I do not like,
I threaten things when things do not go my way.Β
I manipulate them sometimes by threatening suicide or self harm,
My relationship with my parents is similar.
When my mom and I get into fights I just want to end it all.
My irrational mind takes over in situations like these.Β
In a situation of intense stress.
I do not feel like a functional human being.Β
It is like my brain and soul have left my body.
I could be sitting somewhere,
Feeling absolutely nothing.
The best way I can describe it is,
It is like you are sitting on a cloud.
It is floating in the sky.
But you cannot feel the cloud underneath you.
You cannot feel anything.Β
You cannot even feel your body.
I have a very unstable sense of self.
My self esteem is low most of the time,
But when it is not I feel on top of the world.
Like I am the most beautiful person on the planet.
Often changes in a matter of minutes.
I experience reoccurring suicidal thoughts,
If someone does not want to talk to me,
What am I supposed to do?
Yeah, I should kill myself because that will make everything better.
Sometimes I will even go as far as suicidal behavior.
Trying to hang myself with a wire hanger,
Or trying to overdose on pills.
I feel the world would be better off without me.
It is like I am feeling no emotion at all.
I feel insulted by the slightest criticism.
Someone could give me a look,
That I do not like and I will overreact.
As well as other things.Β
Borderline Personality Disorder,
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