Lola Rose

Like...why do you feel the need to specify your friend’s gender? If you say you’re hanging out with your friend, I’m almost always going to assume it’s a girl unless you say otherwise.  Is your friend’s gender even relevant to the story?? 

There have been a few occasions where it even confuses me to where I’m talking to someone and I don’t know if they’re gay, straight, or what, and they say “girlfriend” and then my mind is like “Wait is she gay? Didn’t she say she had a boyfriend 3 weeks ago?  Or did I just imagine/assume that..?”

I was watching Nickelodeon because it was awesome back then, and they always had the best commercials.  I remember seeing this commercial all the time for that big rolling/folding art case that came with like every art supply imaginable, and to my 5 year old mind it was tHE COOLEST THING EVER, because think of all the possibilities?!?!  So... I wanted one, but I knew my parents would never get me one.  But one day, I see the commercial, and even though I was 5 I knew how to use the phone, so I decide I’m going to call the magic number to get one sent to my house.  I call and the lady on the other end answers. 

Lady: Hello, this is Blahblah of blahblah company, how can I assist you?    5yo me: Um..yeah, i want one of those art things... Lady: Oh, um, okay.  Real quick, are you 18 years old? 5yo me (thinking, Duhh I sounded like I could be 18): Uh, yeah! Lady: Ok! Well, what is your Zipcode then? 5yo me: Um...um....one second.

I then run off to ask my dad what our zipcode is.  His response was just “Why do you need to know that, sweetie?” And i immediately panic because OH CRAP I’VE BEEN CAUGHT.  So I run back to the phone and quickly hang up.

I fell in love.

This isn’t too unexpected because it’s a normal life occurrence, and I’ve been wanting to meet someone for a while now.  Not necessarily fall in love, but meet someone.  

The unexpected thing about it is that it’s with a guy.

For the past 10+ years, basically half of my life, I have very strongly identified as lesbian.  I have never been attracted to men, either in a physical or emotional way.  I always imagined my future with a beautiful woman at my side.  Never once would I have even considered being with a guy because two girls together made more sense in my mind than a girl with a guy.  I can’t explain why it was that way, but it always has been.

My most recent relationship ended at the end of last year and left me devastated, heartbroken, lonely.  I got back on my feet after a few months and started meeting other girls, mostly using dating websites.  A few good things came from this, I met some really awesome girls, some who I would have liked to see things go farther with, but all of the interactions were fairly short-lived.  But I was mainly just trying to meet new people, meet new women, and to see if things would develop into a friendship or more with them.

While all this has been going on, when I have no one to talk to or hang out with, I sit at home playing on my PS4, talking with the guys I have met through gaming on there.  I have always related really well with guys.  Most of my best friends are guys.  But they are all just close friends; I’m a lesbian, so I date girls.  One guy I have become particularly close to, but he lives hours away.  I hadn’t ever really seen his face until a few days ago.  We just enjoy each others’ online company and enjoy playing games together.  He has depression, and a couple weeks ago he was feeling really bad from it.  I stayed up literally all night just talking and listening to him cause I care about my friends and don’t like seeing people in that kind of state.  After that conversation, though, I knew something was beginning.  I knew I was starting to develop feelings for him.  And this confused the FUCK out of me.

The next few days, we continued to talk a bit more, and it turned out that he had already developed strong feelings for me, he just knew I was gay so he didn’t mention anything about it cause he knew nothing could come of it.  I began to realize I was really falling for him though.  I was falling in love with the person, his personality, our interactions together.  He matches me so well and we have all the same interests.  And if I’ve learned anything in the whole being gay/coming out process, it’s being sure of your own feelings and following where your heart wants you to go.  So I just let it go where it wanted to and...now I have a boyfriend.

What I’ve learned from this is don’t label yourself, or restrict yourself to a specific label.  Love knows no bounds.  It can come from the most unexpected places.