the venn diagram of people who publicly say they haven’t been on social media because they’re not doing well and people who post on social media every single day is a circle

i had a facebook memory of a status i made about being discharged from the hospital. the details regarding the admission aren't important, but my aunt rhonda commented on it and said that she was glad i was getting released even though i never responded to her as to why i was there in the first place. i commented back and told her and she responded positively and told me she loved me. i told her i loved her back. my aunt rhonda killed herself september 2019. i have so much guilt and so much pain over our relationship. my parents got divorced and it was messy and unfortunately my relationship with her was a casualty. i spent so many years bitter and angry at her for things she said and did during the time of my parents' divorce. i wasted so much time. she wasn't perfect, but no one is. she had a huge heart and cared so much for me despite our difficult past, i wish i had just seen it earlier. we were on good terms prior to her death, but we didn't talk often and didn't get to see her because she lived halfway across the country. i feel like i failed her. i failed as a niece. in the grand scheme of things, i know that wasn't significant and didn't cause the outcome, but it hurts that i didn't try harder. it hurts that i live with the guilt of locking her out for so long. it hurts that i didn't know the full scope of her suffering. i wish i could talk to her, but all i have left is her handwritten recipe for cracker fudge sitting in my wallet.

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