idk what this even is anymore

Pt. 7 - Somebody not some body

After this drowning Monday, I had a very boring, lifeless Tuesday. Work was dull and I was still feeling lonely. I tried talking to my friends, but since everyone was sick, I also tried to give them some rest.

So who did I have left? Coworkers.

I started annoying my coworkers, and asked them if they needed any help, but this didn’t do much. I was still very bored. My thoughts were running wild, since all I could think of was how to skip Wednesday. So I asked one coworker if he was down to get some coffee.

Since he was busy for a little bit longer, I went to the cafeteria and treated myself to one. It somehow became a ritual to drink something to cool my head down. As a person with anxiety, order is something I really need. Any kind of chaos would cause my inner self to riot.

Just when I let my eyes wander in that hospital’s cafeteria, I saw what I was secretly looking for. Him.

I really needed to muster up any courage I had, to walk up to him and the other doctor he was with and ask if I can sit with them. They happily accepted and I sat down next to E. When I looked over to him, he was smiling brightly. I felt that he was truly happy about me deciding to join them for their lunch break.

He asked about my work day. Told me he has a small thing for me to do, which I was happy about. He asked me about my work life in general, if it’s stressful (since he once asked and it was horrible that time). I told him it is better now and I actually am bored most of the time. They talked about how my assignments to them, filling out documents and stuff is hard for them and I told them I try to help them out already, but that’s actually all I can do for them.

E told me they can be happy to have me then, and we talked about how different my coworkers would treat them. I made fun of him a little by telling him I could change and help them out less, which made him, his coworker and me laugh. He pulled back immediately. As I said, he is fun to tease.

He also asked about my office, since I don’t have to share it yet. Seems like someone is jealous about it (when actually I am just lonely there). He asked me where I live (which city). We talked about how he has friends there and which city around this area we liked the best.

He told me how he thought the social worker that he had to work with would be someone older, but was glad someone this young appeared. And with this we also talked about the “you” incident. As I already mentioned, he was glad it happened.

He asked me about my age and I found out that he is 4 years older than me. And then they had to leave. When the other one was already putting away the tablet, he leaned over a bit while standing up.

“It made me happy that you came over to us.”

And that gave me butterflies, but not just in my stomach, this gave me butterflies all over my soul. It made my soul happy, not anxious or nervous, just happy. Of course that feeling faded, but even now when I think of it again, it just makes me happy.

The way he asked so much, digged deeper into what I said. The way his questions were about the real V and not Work V. The way he told me he was glad I took a step towards him. The way he talked.

I did not feel like some body, some pretty face. I felt like somebody. Like a person.

Because he treated me like I had layers, colors, and textures. It made me feel valued again.

Write the worst fucking version you possibly can and stick it in a folder and forget it for a month or two before you look at it again. You know what you have now?

A first draft. And with enough time to think some new thoughts about it, you'll soon end up with a better, second draft! And eventually, you'll end up with something you'd be perfectly okay with letting other people read!

You'll never believe this process works no matter how many times you do it, but it totally does. You just have to drag your brain kicking and screaming to that blank page and get the bones down first.