I think I’ll be here forever… ♡

Marjane Satrapi, cartoonist and film director, best known for Persepolis

It really is quite vile how the church intentionally conditions you to hate yourself. For so many years I didnt know why I absolutely loathed myself so passionately. Why I felt like I deserved nothing good, and punishment for my very existence. Nothing I ever did felt good enough, and it felt like everyone just innately knew how horrible I was. And its because they literally condition you like dogs to feel shame and self-hatred as a default state that can only be remedied by Jesus. And if youre someone who has left the church and no longer believes in those teachings, all thats left is the self-hate. The stick without the carrot.

And its a cycle they ingrain so deeply into your psyche that, even when the actual source of those cruel ideas is no longer present, you begin to inflict that abuse back onto yourself. Because its all you've ever known, and your psyche is so starved for the relief that used to come from "Jesus" that it starts the process over and over again in hopes that its gonna get the reward of being absolved of that psychological agony.

Its like living a life where everytime you were hungry, you were given food only after you had been whipped and told how horrible you were, and that you could do nothing about it. And then they say that you can only ever have food after being whipped, because otherwise something really bad would happen. And this is the best food in the world, too. You should be happy you get to eat this kind of food, even if its the only food you've ever eaten.

Eventually, the people whipping you are gone, but you don't know how to get food any other way. So you start whipping yourself again in hopes of getting some kind of meal to satisfy that hunger. And you do find meals again, new and different food that you also enjoy. Sometimes its even better than what you grew up with. But you still whip yourself before every meal so you can "earn" it.

And you dont even know that you never had to whip yourself in the first place. That they could have just given you the food the entire time and nothing bad would have happened. That whipping you was wrong.