ButterBall

Listening to- as of writing this, The Carpal Tunnel of Love by Fall Out Boy is playing.

I’ve been listening to Mcr and Fob on a looped mix for a few months now. I also enjoy casually listening to Dazey and the Scouts, Destroy Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Car Seat Headrest, Palaye Royale, Måneskin, Mommy Long Legs, and Hozier. Obviously other artists but this has just been the loop for a while.

I try not to be an issue wherever I go, just taking some of my running thoughts and throwing em out onto the internet.

For me when I write, and I think this is the common feeling for many, I’m playing with my dolls. I might say “Dallas” did this and in reality for me it’s a reskinned Ken doll or a Barbie I’m pretending is a Ken because I never had boy dolls growing up.

I don’t know the people who I’m writing about and never will. If by some odd chance I run into Ray Toro, I’m running away. My presence is a burden and that man is an actual stranger living his own life.

Of course in an environment where a celebrity is there to sign things or meet fans, that’s a little different but I still don’t know these people. I’m playing with my Barbie’s in a different font.

My other account in just me spamming stuff and talking about my personal life. I intend to keep this place a little tidier and neat. Post only my little stories and maybe my art too?

Thank you for showing any interest and hello again :))

It was enough to make anyone cry and she did exactly that! Her face was red as she crossed her arms looking over what was, to her, her life destroyed. Frank had an arm around her waist as they just took in the sight.

Some parents may be happy to have their kid back! Valerie’s parents were happy to pinpoint when she’d return solely to ruin her day.

Every time they’d strike, Frank was there with her, would see her heart break over and over again. After so many years it still felt like a new wound to see her like that. After some time he tugged at her waist a little, leading her away from the wreckage as she leaned against him.

Frank and Valerie

The two were inseparable! The best of friends! She lived with him and his mom. Since they were kids, their friendship was always clear. He was the sick kid and she was always bringing him snacks. Carrots, banana chips.

She bribed him into liking her, pretty much. His mom would see her come and go with snacks and laughed to herself.

She was a home schooler so she was around a lot! So on days where she didn’t appear, he was confused.

Before she would move in with the Iero family, there were these days, weeks even, where she’d just get really sick and tired. It was only odd as she was an otherwise healthy kid. It would get pretty bad, fevers that held her down in her bed with no hope of getting out.

The first few times, Frank would go to her house and knock. Her parents would answer and assure him that she was fine, just sick. She had a baby brother and sick was just coming n and out of the family home. Valerie was simply a kid that took getting sick hard.

After he had gotten a better idea of what was happening, he’d gear up, wearing a mask, and would go visit her when she was sick.

In sickness and in health the two were good friends and that would continue through their teen years then their adult lives.

Though the adults in their lives kind of expected them to eventually get together and maybe even marry, that never seemed to be an option. They both had their partners early on but when Frank met Jamia, they knew he loved her. It didn’t seem to be an issue, Valerie loved Jamia and had a good sisterly relationship with her. She wasn’t often perceived as a third wheel, their dynamic would change a little but it wasn’t anything too different.

There was an odd air when Valerie returned home from their summer trip talking about a boy she met in Chicago. Frank definitely didn’t seem comfortable with her being interested in the other male. Made him nervous that the guy was some stranger she’d met while drunk. Made him nervous that he was so far away.

—

The fight

Oh and what’s this? From your little boyfriend!

He waved the envelope around in front of her teasingly.

Give me that back!

She reached for the envelope, Frank snatching it back

It wasn’t that he was jealous, it was that he was insecure, scared even. Of losing her. His friend.

“You don’t even know that guy! And you left me for him!”

“I like him Frank!”

“You met him, what, twice?”

“He lives in a different state! You expect me to talk to him face to face every day?!”

“No! But I expect you not to run away to a complete stranger!”

-

Should we break them up? Getting kinda loud..”

We might get kicked out if they keep it up

Mm no, if they get physical maybe.. they need to get this out l think….

-

No! You left me for him! And you don’t even know him!

His fist tightened around the envelope, crushing it

Well you didn’t know Jamia before you liked her!

Well Jamia-

He dropped the crumpled paper

She was a complete stranger when you first met her!

She’d swoop down and grab it

So what?!

So what? That’s all you’ve got?

Stop bringing her up! She has nothing to do with-

I like him! Frank!

She stretched out the envelope, trying to flatten it out.

I like him a lot! For real!

She was more firm this time. Her eyes glared into his. She wasn’t playing, not anymore.

Frank felt sick, felt weak. That tension between them snapped back at him and it hurt.

I-

I like him! And you know it! So why shouldn’t I talk to him?

Frank freezes for a moment, taking in her words. His fears coming true. His face would become red, eyes glossing over as all these negative thoughts filled his head.

Huh? Why is it such a big deal to you! So what he was a stranger? That’s why he writes these! That’s why we write each other! To know each other!

And then what? You gonna go back to him? Gonna move to fucking Chicago for him?

He had tears in his eyes, his breathing shaky.

What?

You’ll leave. You’ll leave me and Jamia? Leave us? For some- some guy? You’ll leave me alone for some guy? You did it before! You’ll do it a-fucking-gain!

Frankie..

He continues to cry and sputter out noises didn’t quite form coherent words. V would break the gap between them and wrap her arms around his shoulders.

As Frank’s knees gave out beneath him, they’d both take their embrace to the thin hotel carpet as his arms hung at his sides and he buried his face into her neck.

Her eyes dull, emptying out of the anger she previously held. She just stares past him, thinking.

The guys are engrossed in the moment, outsiders to the whole conversation. Mikey knew them decently but like Ray and Gerard, he didn’t know them like this.

Childhood friends, scared to lose each other, scared to grow apart and seeing that it may be unavoidable.

The two would stay there on the steps all night. Occasionally, either Patrick’s friends or her own, would come over to check on them.

The second that Pete saw Patrick with a girl he was all smiles, taunting and embarrassing the blonde. Valerie paid his jokes little mind but would still politely greet the sloshed male.

They genuinely seemed to click and when the sun had finally started rising and everyone was leaving or asleep on the floor. Frank had stumbled over to the staircase, clearly intoxicated.

“Vee? Vee! We gotta.. we gotta get back to Chancee!” He was saying clinging to the railing.

Valerie at this point was leaned over into Patrick as the two had gotten tired over the night but neither of them wanted to leave.

She let out a near inaudible chuckle. “Frankie, we can’t go to Chancee right now! He’ll cook my ass!” She told him, clearly a lot more sober now than her friend. She turned up to Patrick, her face close to his, “you know where you’re going?” She asks him.

He flushes red at his proximity to the girl the scent of alcohol on her breath. “Yeah! Umm actually.. I don’t see any of.. them…..” He scanned the room looking for his friends. The fuckers! They left. He didn’t even want to be there!

“They leave you? Wanna come with us? Or need a ride?” She asks finally sitting up on her own. Her warmth went with her, leaving a cool air against Patrick’s side.

“A ride? No no! I’m fine I can get home just fine!”

“You sure?! We’re.. not driving! That’s dumb! I’m not that drunk but I wouldn’t risk it. His mom would kill me! We can get you home!” She assured him standing on unsteady feet. She reaches for the railing like her friend, the two of them clinging to it like their lives depended on it.

Patrick does one more scan before he stands too. He offers her his arms and she takes it as he helps her down to land. “I guess, yeah?”

“Kay let me call Jay, I’ll let him… I’ll let him know..” Frank mumbles leading the way as they head out.

Valerie looks over to Patrick with a light smile, “thank you for talking with me, I enjoyed your company.” She says quietly for him to hear alone.

He smiles back, “I’ve enjoyed your company too! You uh wanna hang out again? No.. no friends dragging us around..” He asks.

They come to a stop on the porch as Frank walks circles in the yard, phone held to his head as he yammered on about the shitty beer he drank, forgetting that he was calling for a ride.

The two older teens sat on a little swing on the porch soaking in the sun and fresh air.

“Mmm probably not..” she says pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her head on her knees.

“Oh..” Patrick thought they really made some kind of connection tonight. He didn’t believe in love at first sight but with her, he definitely thought he felt it. He hoped she’d have felt it too.

Her eyes widened, “No! Not like that! I uhh I don’t live here. Me and Frankie are just visiting! I’m here to see some family and Frank’s mom made him come too. He’s my muscle, y’know?!” She explained. “I uhh I don’t hate you, wouldn’t offer you a ride if I did!” She shrugs.

“Oh.. uhh where.. where do you live then?”

“Jersey?” Shit

“That far.. Guess you did come pretty far, huh?”

“Yeah.! That’s why it’s just me and Frankie. The other guys had their responsibilities, y’know? We’re a little band, still have our own lives. Me and Frankie, we’ve been doing this for a long time. No jobs, no employers dragging us down. Livin’ off the music and offers from good people. And his mom has a room for me at her place!!”

“That makes sense I guess. Is there.. a way we can talk again after we go our separate ways after this?”

She closes her eyes for a moment, thinking. She then raises her head and looks over to her drunken friend now arguing with her cousin over the phone. “Yeah.. lend me a marker or something when we get to your place. I’ll give you my email. Sound good?” She turns to gage his response.

Patrick nods his head. “Yeah! Uh yeah that’ll- that’ll work!”

She nods, “good.. I’d hate to lose you..”

—

I’d hate to lose you… those words would burn deep after the break up. Words that he hung onto throughout their relationship. Words that, when their relationship was noticed by their fans, would be shared with them.

It was sweet and it was innocent. That’s what made it so special. Their night of, rather than debauchery, they spoke about music and their own experiences in their scenes. And it was funny too as Patrick would learn. The girl who he had met at the party, the girl that was sweet and tipsy, she was not the person that would eventually join mcr.

A few months later, after meeting Patrick and their friendship blooming as they communicated via the internet, she and Frank’s band would come to an end with the other members choosing to go their ways. This left them alone together. But as My Chem’s drummer was wishing to leave and the band were considering another guitarist, they were soon after recruited.

Patrick only really knew her for two days before she and Frank left. As she had told him, she was visiting some family and had never intended on staying long. Had a few cousins and an aunt in Chicago but a lot more of her family were back in New Jersey.

She would hang out with him at his house two days before she left. Frank was there too but he was asleep the whole time, tired from another night of drinking with her older cousin.

While it could’ve been a fluke, their connection being less than they had though, it wasn’t. Even without her being drunk, both sober and in a quieter environment, they really did get along.

He let her choose from his collection of music as they listened to records and talked, sitting on his floor. A couple hours in, one of Patrick’s friends had arrived, Joe.

Frank was down like a rock as the three talked till the late night.

When she left, it was this stressful waiting game. Patrick really liked her. Maybe he had a sort of crush but that wasn’t really all of it. The way she looked at him, listened, he felt seen.

He felt seen by her and he really wanted to talk to her again, about anything! Wanted to hear her play! Wanted her to hear him play!

He wanted to be her friend!

He was nervous everytime he got home, going straight to the computer to see if he’d received any emails from her. nothing.

The first few times, he understood. He reasoned, maybe she was still on the road? Or.. maybe she’s tired! Busy?

He kept checking and nothing!

“Honey? Why don’t you give the computer a break? Huh? Your friends are here?” His mom stood at the door giving him a hopeful grin.

“So you’re gonna be there right?”

“He’s not gonna go! He’s a fucking wimp!”

Daniel and Ben were going to this house party, wanted Patrick to tagalong.

Everyone at school knew him as the musical kid, was in a few different bands around the streets of Chicago, was in the school’s honor band. But getting him to actually do anything was a chore.

Daniel and Ben had been in the honors band with him last year so he knew them somewhat.

“I dunno dude, I kinda just wanna go to sleep. I’m tired..” that wasn’t a compete lie..

“Nuh uh!” Daniel grins wrapping his arm around Patrick’s shoulder. “You’re not escaping me this time! We’re gonna have fun tonight!”

“Gonna at least get you into the house!” Ben laughs to himself.

—

They’d make it to the house without much stress. They’d been at Ben’s so it wasn’t like the adults were going to hound them for answers on their whereabouts. Patrick just heard a “be safe” from his mom.

“C’mon it’s like one of those group bonding things Mr. Shrute always made us do!”

The music was loud already, could feel the vibrations in your bones just from being in the front yard.

“Yeah but Mr.Shrute just let us run free at the arcade..” Patrick mumbled as they walked into the house engulfed in the music and lights flashing throughout the building.

Escape would actually seem much easier than he imagined. Ben and Daniel would immediately mix in with the rest of the bodies and disappear.

Patrick did a little look around and considered his options. He could join in with the slush of bodies? Enjoy the music? But he wasn’t in the mood right now. His only otheroption was to drink but he wasn’t interested in that either, wasn’t scared like his friends would probably tease. He wasn’t old enough but neither were half the people around him.

He’d eventually turning around. He made eye contact with the door! Then he was on the floor, confused and taken aback by how suddenly he’d been knocked over.

“Shit!” A hand pressed down on his stomach as a girl, the girl, used him to push herself back up and onto her feet. It caused him to weaze as air was forced from him.

He heard her before he registered her presence. As she stood tall above him her lips moved as she looked down at him with concern. He’d just look up at her with wide eyes unsure of anything else.

Wait- she’s talking! Patrick looks around finally remembering what was happening, where he was, his previous goal of escaping.

But as he looked back to her, she was the new goal. As stupid as it would sound, he would swear the world slowed around them. It slowed and blurred as he took in the sight of her. Wearing tight low-rise jeans and an equally tight cropped grey shirt with a bleached pattern of butterflies over it. A thick flannel covered her arms and shoulders but just barely as it was sliding off haphazardly.

He’d snap out of his daze as an arm swung around her shoulder and a guy lay his head against her shoulder.

“Helllllooo you okay? You need to go to the hospital or something?” She asks.

“Valll! What the hell! I barely… barely touched you!” The guy says face getting really close to hers, resting against her shoulder as she stood taller than him.

“You’re drunk! Too strong for your own good!” She scolds him. Her eyes go back down towards Patrick, offering her hand to the downed boy.

Patrick meekly accepts her assistance.

“Nuh! You.. you’re drunk too! Can’t barely walk!” He accuses. “You gonna die on usss?” He asks Patrick.

The girl “Val” laughed at her friends question for the stunned boy.

“Again.. I’m sorry! Guess I am reaching my limit for the night! Am I drunk?!” She sounded unsure but her smile would remain as she looked down to her friend for answers.

“Ehh I was teasin! You’re still there.. just- just be careful! You’re like a fuckin deer! You’re like Bambi!” He reassured her.

He’d look up at her for a moment longer as the two just kind of stared at each other then he grinned as his eyes flickered over to Patrick then back to her. “I’m gonna.. that way! Careful! Don’t fall miss.. miss bambi!” He slurs turning and disappearing. The last they hear of him is a high laugh like a hyena.

Now alone, alone as they could be in a house full of intoxicated strangers, they’d look to each other again then to their still held hands. She’d smile letting his hand slip away before taking it back into the other hand. The action left Patrick confused and excited as she started to tug him behind herself.

“You always so quiet?” She asks out loud for him to hear.

“I’m- no! I’m not!” He stammers.

“Ah! He speaks!” She stops by a coffee table covered in unopened beverages. “Does he drink?” She looks back to him expectantly.

“No!” He answers looking up at her, unsure of himself.

“So he doesn’t! That’s okay!” She’d lead him past the table across the room. She’d drag him over to the stairs leading up.

Whatever was happening upstairs didn’t matter to them as they took purchase on the steps.

As they sit, they’re quiet for a moment. Then the girl pipes up. “My name’s Valerie. By the way..”

“Oh.. I’m Patrick. You uhh.. you do this often? Puhhh-party? Drrrrink?” He scrunched his nose as he asked, punching himself internally.

“Mmm kinda? Not here though, can’t even tell you who lives here. I’m just a visitor passing through right now. Back home I do drink a decent amount.” She shakes her head turning to him and tilting her head. “Why are you here Patrick?”

“Me?! Here?”

“You’re pretty quiet, you don’t drink.. if I’m not mistaken, I think you were leaving before Frank launched me into you.”

“Oh.. uhh my friends? My friends kinda of made me. I didn’t join them last time. It was just fair that I came this time. It was fair to them..”

“That’s shitty. You still wanna leave? I can let you go, don’t want you being here all uncomfortable.”

You

“No! Uhh. If it’s alright, I wanna talk with you?”

“You wanna talk to me? Okay! Uhh what do you like? Do you do anything for fun?”

“I like music? Ska, rock, metal, little bit all over the place! Uhh I been in some bands too?”

She nods, “you’re a musician then? What do you play?”

She slouched a little more her knee touching against him. The feeling alarmed Patrick only a little.

“Oh! I actually- in one of the bands right now I uhh I’m playing the drums!” He smiled telling her.

She smiled. It was a simple little lift at the end of her lips but it was beautiful to him. Then she said something that would later ruin them but in the moment, it was innocent. “I’m in a band too!” She told him happily.

“Oh that’s cool! What do you play? Or do?”

“I’m the drummer too’ My buddy back there is the guitarist and singer. I’ve been in bands with him since we were little! Just babes basically!! We’re pretty tight!” She explains.

“So you’ve been playing for a while then! Cool me too! I uhh I play the guitar too!”

“No!” She laughs.

“Yes!! I actually- I was in the battle of the bands last year! Honor band too!” Patrick can’t help the excitement.

It was a normal day for me, waking up then getting ready for work. My cute undead roommate making some kind of ruckus in his own room.

As I laced up my boots, I heard the oddest thing.

“-chooo!”

A sneeze, from the said undead roommate. In our time together, never have I heard him sneeze. No, he’s never been sick! Can vampires get sick? I’m no scientist but I kinda have my doubts..

I sigh exiting my room and knocking on his door.

“Come in..” came his quiet voice.

I entered, unsure of what I’d find.

I’m met with his little bunches of wheat and figure trains scattered around before I look over to see him.

There on his bed, usually left for decorum, he lay. He lay pathetically in the bed with a rosy flush to his normally paper shaded skin.

Oh this is kinda weird.. this is kinda very weird actually.

“Hey bud?”

His arms shoot up quickly as I fall back a little in the shock of it.

“I’M SICK!!!!” He cried out dramatically.

“You’re sick?” I moved closer again and.. I caught him.. I see a little compact hiding under his pillow…

But I love him so I play along sitting on the edge of his bed moving my hands up to feel his cold face. “Oh hun!! You’re just burnin up! You have a fever?” I ask giving him my sweetest customer service voice.

He agrees, “yeah…” he even fakes a cough.

“Alright hun.. let me call my boss. I’m gonna stay in to take good care of you, okay?”

He has a joyful expression as he agrees to wait.

—-

———

Maybe she was right.. everyone else had been saying it. He was a coward. He was a bum, a shut in!

He was trying his best but somehow always ended up back in his room. Back at his desk creating things that had been done before mixed with the woman who left. It was never right.. it was never enough!

His trash can was filled with balled up pages.

All he could do was think about her in his more sober moments as the pieces she left behind haunted him.

The polaroids, her favorite scarf…

Coward!!

She left and all he wanted was for her to barge down again, let the light into his world again. He’d do it right this time! He just wanted to be next to her again. He’d stay put at her side, he’d listen to her every word. He’d go out with her, leave his suffocating room.

He liked to imagine, he could initiate some of their adventures, take her somewhere she’d like. She’d smile so big.

Maybe… maybe it wasn’t too late..? Maybe she she missed him too? Maybe.. maybe…

No.

That delusional thinking, it only hurt him worse. She was gone- long gone. Left him in the dirt! Left him alone again! To cower away, to fail.

And she was gone. She was living her own life. Without him. She was moving up, left to become a teacher like she always wanted. And that’s a good thing! She was happy!

It’s done! It’s over!

And he’s alone, surrounded by hints of her..

—

Another performance! Singing, screaming! Sweaty skin glistening under the stage lights!

Gerard was singing. Ray and Frank were strumming, pouring their all onto the stage! Ray was subtly avoiding Frank who had a mischievous grin..

Mikey was, in a rare moment, smiling as he played. A full toothy grin that had their spectators cheering louder than before. He kept going back to the same general area like he was smiling at someone in particular.

His usual neutral expression went unseen as he really focused on this particular section almost showing off.

He didn’t go unnoticed, Frank stalking over and leaning against Mikey and looking over to catch a glimpse at what he was seeing. He saw a lot of people but couldn’t really pick out anyone in particular.

Gerard would turn hearing the audience pick up even more as Frank went over too.

And he knew... Without even going over there, he knew. This wasn’t just Mikey smiling, this was different and familiar to Gerard. He only smiled like that when she was around.

It had been years! Six years to be exact! Since she left. But looking at his little brother, it was unmistakable.. she was out there!

Eyes wide and a smile that that lit up the room, he only really smiled like that for her.

Singing, keeping the song going, he’d search too. He looked through the sea of faces, searing for her and he was successful. Found her eyes first, then her smile. She was smiling back, shuffling with the rest of the room. She was excitedly watching them.. just not Gerard… her eyes… never once met his.. she focused on Mikey and Frank.

His voice cracked. Fuck! Nobody seemed to care but as all these weird emotions started rising out of murky depths, it kind of scared him. He rolled through it, show must go on! Even if he’s feeling a tightness in his chest.

Throughout the rest of the show, as he’d occasionally glance over, her eyes never met his as she showed interest in everyone else.

—

After the show, Gerard would rinse his face. Scrubbed his face really as he felt an anxiousness from seeing her after so long.

He rose above the sink looking into the mirror seeing his smudged makeup. He felt like a fucking joke! She was out there! And he looked like shit! Felt like shit!

He drew his hands in again then pulled them up against his warm face staring at himself for a moment as he tried to breathe.

Six years and she still had an effect on him.

—

When he finally walked out, he saw them. After everything, all the time away, she and Mikey were still on good terms by the looks.

He took residency against the brick wall of the building.

Frank joined him, questioning it a bit. He was clueless to the context of their relationship. Lit up a smoke as he leaned back against the wall watching. All he knew? What Gerard told him.

He thought things would be awkward between them. Mikey may have grown up a bit but he was back to being that little kid again.

He got out there on time to see the kiss. Nothing special really, kiss on the cheek. They’d pull apart and she held his face.

Gerard couldn’t hear them, crossing his arms as he’d stay away from her. Something she said would result in Mikey crying. It was weird and while he was confused, he didn’t think he had the right to go over to them. He wasn’t supposed to be there. She didn’t even want to look at him after all.

Ray would go to them, climbing out of the van when he heard Mikey. Gerard watched as he went over, checking on Mikey then greeting her politely. The two would kneel on the ground trying to console the distraught bassist.

——

"Who's that? Mikey's new girlfriend or something?" Frank questions. They'd all seen their bassists odd behavior all night. Jumping and smiling around towards her like some lovesick kid.

Gerard lips pressed firm as he leaned against the bar, arms crossed. "No."

"Never seen him smile so much.. who is she?"

He wouldn't answer immediately causing Frank to turn to him.

"His ex?"

"Mine..”

Franks eyes widened, "That's your ex?! We talking.. this the weird one?”

“This… this is the one before everything..”

“Oh shit..”

—

Thud Thud

Thud Thud

“YOU FUCKING COWARD!!”

The last thing she’d say to him before she left.

If it were anyone else, maybe he’d have let it go? He knew he was a coward, knew he was a loser. But hearing her say it? That! That dug deep.

Still, he didn’t leave his bed. He didn’t leave his bed. Didn’t unlock the door.

Didn’t say goodbye.

—

They’d known each other since high school. He was a junior, she was a sophomore. Peter Pan and Tinker Bell.

He was the new kid, shy but accidentally a total show off getting the lead role in their school’s musical production. She’d been in the last production, wanted to be Wendy but with her shorter height and short, choppy, blonde hair, she’d begrudgingly accepted her destined role..

Their friendship, their relationship would seem otherwise unlikely. She was this happy go lucky girl, friendly or at the very least well acquainted with absolutely everyone. He was this nervous bumbling social wreck and was often times stuck in his own mind.

She’d end up absolutely adoring him.

They’d both end up actually pretty close during their school production of Peter Pan. They were around each other a lot so it was to be expected. She would encourage him to go out a lot with the rest of their cast when he’d much rather go straight home after practice.

She made him socialize and occasionally captured pictures of him, smiling and laughing during their adventures together. He admittedly had a lot of fun with her around.

Sometimes when they were reading at his house, Mikey would come around and join them. An eighth grader at the time, he really liked hanging out with her. He was down to do anything with his older brother in general but was especially happy to be around her too.

After a lot of teasing from friends and family, they’d agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend. It was kind of weird for them initially but it worked!

-

They hung out a lot more when the sun went down, you’d think they were vampires or something! Reality had it that they both worked pretty late as students.

When Gerard got home he’d go straight to sleep and maybe an hour later, she was at the house. She’d greet Mikey politely then head down into the basement where she knew her boyfriend was sleeping.

His room had little pieces of her in it, little polaroids of them hanging around the room. Her scarf and one of her sweaters were thrown across the couch. A singular pink sock sat by the foot of his bed, their laundry machine ate the other. An incomplete sailor moon collection..

She liked to check his desk when she visited, see what he was working on if his pages were open. Sometimes she’d see herself in his cartoony style, it made her smile.

She’d let him sleep a little longer, maybe another hour. Then she’d wake him. She’d tear away a blanket or pillow. It’d confuse him then he let out a tired smile tugging back playfully with her, limbs too weak initially to actually fight her back

When she wanted to hang out, it was hard to deny her. He knew he’d enjoy being with her so why fight it really.

They usually went on walks together out in the shifty city night. They’d bask underneath the cool moonlight with their hands clasped together swinging between them.

Oftentimes, if Mikey was awake, they’d invite him along so he wouldn’t feel left out.

—

There were, of course, those night where he “won” and he “got his way”. Nights when, not even her brightest smile could lift him out of the dark and cold.

It was never a fight when he couldn’t join her. She’d join him on these nights instead. Would settle in the basement, clear a spot for herself on the end of the bed.

Mikey would come down and settle on the couch. And the two would study together. She’d keep her boyfriend company and save Mikey from having to repeat his math class.

Occasionally, she would lean over and check on Gerard as he lay like a lifeless corpse. Sometimes they’d put snacks or drinks on the side table for him too.

—

Without her around, he was pretty content with just sleeping his life away, often fell into this dark self destructive place in his mind. Obsessively scratching lead against paper or sinking into his mattress deeper and deeper.

Sometimes when they were together, all he could think of was to go back to his room. To go back to his bed and rot away into nothing.

But she’d remind him that he needed to breathe fresh air too, even if their late night walks were a little risky sometimes. Even if they occasionally saw a shifty figure and had to reroute..

He did usually end up enjoying their time together. Her energy and joy was infectious! But then she’d go and he was left to his thoughts again.

She had a life of her own, of course she did! Away from him. Had her own dreams. Had other friends, she was social! She wanted to be a teacher!

She helped Mikey with his schoolwork, tutored other students free of charge. She genuinely liked to help, loved to teach.

And she wanted to leave Jersey..

Gerard knew this was her thing. When she got a scholarship, she was scared. She wanted his support, she’d shyly approach him, hoped he’d say something. She’d have to travel a few hours away but he didn’t acknowledge her.

At the thought of losing her, he sunk into himself, shut her out. Lost her before she even left.

Mikey was excited for her, threw her a little party that consisted of them and a few of their mutual friends. She’d scold him that same night for underaged drinking earning laughter from him.

Gerard would not celebrate with them.. instead he sat in the basement in the dark. He was consumed in a cold darkness, body curled up in his bed as he watched the glimpse of light underneath the door.

He wanted to be happy for her, truly.. Wanted to join them up there..

——

She stopped at the house one more time, tried to go down into the basement to see him. For the first time in a long time, since he and Mikey were little kids maybe, the door was locked. And he wouldn’t let her in, wouldn’t let anyone in.

She was angry. She knocked! Kicked! Yelled! She was exhibiting these behaviors that up until that very moment, they had never really seen in her.

Gerard listened. He was quiet, sat in his bed close to the wall with the lights off. And he listened as she cried, fists hitting at the door, feet kicking.

In their time together, he heard her cry maybe twice, it was pitiful, painful, she was always so happy. She got angry maybe a few times, really only when it was warranted. She barely let anything penetrate her skin enough for it to sting. When she cried, when she screamed, she sounded desperate.

He wanted to go to her, wanted to apologize, say goodbye the right way, hold her.

He heard Mikey after a while, when he got home, sad and trying to calm her down. Scared, never having seen her like that.

He didn’t get out of bed and he didn’t unlock the door.

“YOU FUCKING COWARD!!” Crack

She’d go quiet, stop, when her foot went further than intended. The sound of the wood splintering seemingly pulled her from her emotional assault. She’d look down and pulled her foot back then looked down to the eighteen year old crying on the floor.

Guilt and shame filled her, realizing what she was doing. How she looked. Her hand shook as she reached for Mikey only for him to flinch back. She’d pull her arm back breath shaky and she turned quickly and sped out of the house.

And she left. Mikey remained sitting against the basement door left crying.

She’d leave town. He stayed.

For months, that door remained locked. Mikey would leave dinner by the door and later into the night Gerard would reach a hand out and retrieve it.

He wouldn’t really leave the basement unless he knew everyone was out or asleep, isolating himself. He would spend all his time hunched over his desk, drawing, trying to make something worthwhile. He kept drawing her, didn’t want to. His trash can was filled with drawings of her.

Mikey would eventually stop leaving him food and Gerard would slowly come out of his room more and more.

——

“Uh-oh.. Looks like the missus is coming for you next!”

Gerard looks over, focusing back into the present moment. She was headed over, walking like she was on a mission.

Behind her, Mikey had lifted the bouquet of roses and Ray would lead him back to their van, arms around his shoulders as they spoke.

And now she was headed towards them but.. but her eyes weren’t on Gerard. Her eyes were fixed on Frank.

She’d stop in front of Frank, smiling politely and would glance over at Gerard for a moment, acknowledging him with a nod then turning her attention back to the guitarist.

—

“Hey~ You were absolutely awesome tonight!!”

“Oh thanks! Uhh name’s Frank!” He held out a hand to her winking at Gerard who looked a little uncomfortable with the woman being closer.

She took his hand and shook it with a slight squeeze.“Quinn! You were absolutely.. ELECTRIC!! Do you.. do you always go so hard like that? When you play? Do you always.. attack your bandmates like you did tonight?”

He let out a laugh at that. Gerard lets out his own nervous chuckle. “I wouldn’t say alllways..”

“Oh.. because the big guy kinda seemed a little too prepared for you to kick at him like that! He was ready!!”

“While I wouldn’t say I’m always attacking the guys,” Gerard looks at him with narrowed eyes remembering the bruise on his side from last week’s collision. “Butttt I think Ray has definitely taken enough hits to know when I’m about to do some dumb shit!”

“Aww Ray? Poor guy..!” She laughs at the thought.

“Eh you don’t need to worry about him! He gave me a black eye a few weeks ago, so I think we’re even!”

“And you’re sure you two don’t just.. hate each other?”

“We’re brothers! Might as well be at least! We do fight but what we do on stage doesn’t really count!! It’s all fun!”

She nods in thought, “I guess when it’s like that..” she looks over to Gerard with a grin. “You two were pretty rough with each other too, huh?”

Gerard panicked, wasn’t expecting her to acknowledge him yet. Or at all.

“Oh- uhhh.. what? No?! Me and Mikey were good!”

At his response she put her hands on her hips and Frank grinned listening.

“I remember.. and you guys made me watch this!”

He shook his head no, motioning her to stop. Had no clue what she was going to say, but she knew a lot about their younger years.

She paid him no mind as Frank encouraged her to speak up.

“These fuckers! They made me watch them as they wrestled. Be-because we were watching wrestling after school! So they decided.. to practice this body slam they saw, undies over their shorts! And when they attempted it, I had to drive them both to the hospital! Foot and arm injuries! ” She explained, telling this story from eight years ago like it was just yesterday.

Gerard let out an exhausted groan as Frank howled out a laugh leaning against the brick wall as he curled into himself.

She would raise her arms to her chest and crossed them leaning her weight onto her left leg, “anyways, Frank. Can I borrow your singer for a few? So we can talk one on one?” She asks with a tilt of her head.

His eyes widen a little before he composes himself, he clears his throat. “Borrow him.. You don’t even have to give him back! And if.. if things here don’t work out, I’ll be in the van waiting? Gotta talk to my girl first, of course!” He chuckles to himself.

He winks as he kicks off the wall and walks off.

I think a name is mentioned once?? Maybe twice? Unfinished but stopped at a good point-L