It’s Hard Being Human

Every time I see you, I want to stop time. Sometimes I do. Your face of first seeing me, with that bewildered expression… it's strange, but I still love it. Because whenever I see you after a long time of being away, it's like being dunked in a cold lake of ice. Taking a sip of water after a long period of dehydration, eating a salad after weeks of only being able to afford fast food. It doesn't always feel right, nor do I always like it, but there is a refreshing quality to the experience that I always want to last just a bit longer. Just a bit more time in the fresh, old, lost feeling, before going back to the regret I feel whenever I look at you. Spending time with you used to be an endeavor I wanted, the task of your happiness a burden I wished to keep with me as long as I could. I'm not the same girl anymore, if I can even call myself a girl at all. No. Now when I see you, all I can remember is the time I hurt you. I know that all relationships end up with torn hearts at some point. No one leaves without some scars, because that's just what happens when two souls care about each other so dearly. The fact that you forget me with every turn of the clock is awful. I have to maintain my strength and prevent myself from going mad just thinking about what I've lost with you. What I lost, by throwing it away. By going back to experience it over again. Death can grant you with its mercy, leaving me with the choice to go back to when you where living. I know better than you make you live in an endless existence, or live in a world where you don't know if your friend will be the same as she was yesterday. I promised you I wouldn't put you in that kind of limbo anymore.

I can never be at ease anymore. There is always a reason I find to despise myself these days. Too much time lends one to always have an embarrassing story to tell, and self love can only go so far when you know how much damage you can do to others. Makes me wonder if there is truly a possibly of being entirely broken, but that's a self indulgent lie that I shouldn't believe. There is always somewhere to go, always someone to help, always something to strive for… but seeing you brings me back to those thoughts and the time in my life when I went mad. I pray that I can continue to hold on to my sanity. I pray that I can be enough for the ones around me, as I have still no confidence that I am in fact enough for them. The real question to answer is whether or not I'm enough for me, I am aware, but considering the question reminds me of you. What a mistake I made with you.

You forgave me once, in a world long gone. I felt grateful at the time, but now I don't believe I deserve it any longer. In my long, long life, how can I be worthy of forgiveness after a single statement of such, from a man who can no longer remember me? All it takes is a couple hundred years and you forget me, and die. All it takes is just another few hundred years, and I'm not the same person you met at the start. I'm not the same person you forgave. It's bad enough that I still try to spend time with you after all these years, but asking for your forgiveness is beyond the question. I hate having to explain myself to you again, I hate having to explain the errors of my past over and over again to people just because I want to get over it all, because I want people to understand me, because I want connection with others in every world where the ones I love are fated to die. Why is it that immortals suck so much? Every time we resort to emotion, we hurt people in the process, and can never recover from it. We always get hurt over and over again, day after day, it's not a choice. If we want to live, we must hurt. Sometimes I am tired of it. So I forget the pain, all to live and cope and flourish in a life that I don't deserve to continue with. When I see you again, I become reminded of all that I lost. All that I wished. I can fine and happy if I move on from my mistakes. I can remember the past 500 years and think "I did good, these few centuries. I did well to act nice, and be a boon to others in the lands that I exist in." But that doesn't last when I see you. Dunked into the cold water, pushed through the thick layer of ice. The shards scrape against my skin and water sucks the blood from the wound. I am left bare of my ideologies and forced to remain witness of my crooked deeds. How much time has to pass before I am no longer plagued by the atrocities of my history? But why would I thrash against the water which cools my skin and tempers my soul? Why would I deny the truth of what I am as its evidence stares at me with confused eyes, untampered and unhurt? A moment where I am nothing but a stranger with the potential to cause injury, who has done nothing yet to earn ire. A perfect stranger to the horrors that could pass, that have passed in other timelines? It almost makes me ill. If only I never did those things. What I would give to be a true stranger without history attached to you.