Yapping Sessionā¦ I havenāt donāt this in a while but I need some inputs or like advice, and this is going to be a bit long so buckle up!
Iām turning 18 this year and to me thatās a bit scary. Young adulthood! Amazing stuff. But over the years, Iāve been lazy? Well, Iāve been calling it lazy, because I donāt have a job, Iām not doing anything productive or anything to make myself productive. Iāve just been playing video games, drawing and writing, however, even those things or hobbies or things Iām passionate about Iāve come to slowly put away. Maybe itās burn out? And need to put things down and find something new, but then again I have this lack of motivation or this feeling of āI donāt want changeā and that might be whatās holding me backā¦ this both wanting to changeā¦
And maybe itās fear, fear of growing up, I mean everyone else seems to know what theyāre doing, so why canāt I do that. But Iāve been noticing this disassociation? If we can call it that, maybe Iām making it a big deal, but thereās these moments that are happening a bit more, and I find comfort of being āawayā where the world is a blur and only the sound is there, it feels like a warm hug or something like thatā¦.and i think itās because i donāt have to make decisions, have to talk to others, do something or move at allā¦ sometimes i would stay up all night staring and feeling this way; warm, at peace but numb? Maybe.
Same with me going autopilot mode, where Iāll remember being in one class room and the next I find myself at lunch break with friends, itās as if everything went blank and I hadnāt noticed, but thatās probably nothing as it only happened twice I thinkā¦? I mean like WHOLY thatās weird, cause I never experienced that before, but it didnāt mean much to me.
Idk, to be honest. And apparently thatās my favourite saying āI donāt knowā I said that to my parents and they shook their heads I feel like weird, like Iām failing them, but usually thatās when I stop hearing them and buzzing sounds come on. And you know whatās funny is the fact they talk about how Iām going to be able to take care of myself, from feeding, doing basic human things. And I agree, how Iām going to when I say idk what Iām doing I life, or the fact I feel worthless in the world of many people that feels the same as me. Sometimes I think I would rather die, than continue on living and I find no guilt in that. I probably should feel guilty though. That my death wonāt mean anything beucase I find no meaning that is me. But then aging my parents love me and I love them. I love them so much, but these feeling I wish I could numb them down.
Though, Iāve been lacking things, just that Iāve been doing nothing. And I feel stupid writing here. Maybe I shouldnāt be putting this online, or I should be talking to my parents, but parents are parents and theyāll that itās just a phase.
And then aging their just feelings, and hell I thought I was getting better, Iāve been to therapy and try to āfixā things. But that was a for a whole other issue. So I find it weird Iām dealing with this, and my parents are calling it a phase and theyāre probably right and I just need to get over it.
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