Little Miss Jo

One of the most common questions I’ve been asked by my Vanilla friends about Cg/l (or D/s in general) is why someone would want to be told what to do by someone else. It’s a really understandable question because it would seem that having someone tell you what you can or can’t do, what you can and can’t eat, and even what clothes to wear would be anathema to the concept of a strong, independent person. Vanilla culture praises the people who take orders from nobody and who don’t have to have some overseer to approve of their choices and validate their worth. Why, then, would someone seek out a person and intentionally give them this power?

In order to understand why someone would seek a power exchange relationship, you have to have an understanding of what is actually taking place. The best place to begin is to look at the person giving up the power - in this case, littles (since that’s my area of interest). Please note that this is general information, and won’t apply to every little out there.

As the title suggests, the mind of a little is a very busy, chaotic place. The world around them is big, mean, and sometimes senseless. Even littles who have been very successful in their careers and who have their lives sorted out can be fatigued by the randomness and the cruelty around them. They are besieged by people and things that demand their attention and require them to make decisions. For even the most badass of littles, this can begin to wear on them.

Adding to all of the external pressure is the internal struggles that they face. Maybe it’s remembering to eat healthy foods, take their meds, and get plenty of sleep and exercise. Perhaps it’s the struggle to keep up with the housework and to stay on top of their hobbies, or maybe it’s added focus they require in order to power through tough homework assignments or to do the big things they need to do. Willpower is a rare commodity for most people, and littles are no exception here.

See, being a Daddy Dom/Caregiver is not about being a dictator or a tyrant, but rather, a partner and a coach. It’s about forming a relationship that is designed around meeting the needs of all parties and formulating and implementing strategies for overcoming challenges and accomplishing goals. The only power that is given is that which is acceptable to everyone, and the rules that are put into place are agreed upon by all parties instead of implemented unilaterally. There is a reason and a purpose behind everything, and these are discussed beforehand and revised later as needed.

Structure, Discipline, Rules, Tasks, Rituals - these are more than just buzzwords and catchphrases; they are the tools and the mechanisms we use to achieve the goals that we set. When a little feels owned, it isn’t because they have been objectified and dehumanized, but because of the combination of care and respect they’ve been given, as well as the responsibility and consistency demonstrated by their Dom. It is a feeling that can go deeper than simply being loved, because of the focus and continuing effort required.

Rules and Tasks are the framework for Structure. They define the behaviors that will lead to the desired outcomes as well as the actions necessary to get there. Through Rewards and Punishments, we seek to direct them towards the beneficial behaviors and away from the detrimental ones (some littles are what I call “self-punishing”, while others do not respond well to punishments, so not all dynamics use overt forms of punishment). Rituals produce a sense of calm and predictability and help the little to feel safe and settled. Protocols preserve the respect in the dynamic and help to reinforce the deference and respect within the relationship.

We Caregivers/Doms use these tools to help lighten the loads carried by our littles. With so many things going on in their lives, we become a force of calm and of strength. We handle the decisions they don’t want to have to make, and we use our constant and consistent presence in their lives to help them stay strong when their willpower begins to flag. Through our encouragement and guidance, we help them to realize their potential and avoid the distractions and pitfalls they might otherwise fall prey to.

Little brains are busy places, but the space we create for them is one of peace amongst the chaos and of quiet amidst the noise. That relationship is like a Zen garden they can retreat to when the rigors of life become too great a burden to bear. When you take those burdens away from them, you can see and feel the sense of relief. The light and the life comes rushing back to them when they have a chance to set those things aside and to dwell within that space, and that is the reward that keeps me going.

You are a pillar of stability in the life of your little. The one she looks to for everything that is sacred and safe. You are the leader, mentor and teacher.

Always remember… Leading and teaching is not something you do to others…. its something you do WITH others.

Making decisions can be hard, particularly so if you’re not used to making them or if you don’t really have a preference in the things you are being asked to decide.  Decide anyways.  Think about what is actually happening beneath the question you’re being asked by your sub and make a decision.  Formulate reasons for your decision and explain them.  In the end, whichever thing you chose may not make any real difference, but the level of thought and consideration you put into the choice, and the time and attention you devoted to making this decision, will absolutely make all the difference in the world.

@misty-girl loves to feel the tug of the leash.  She wants to know that she has my attention.  She likes to think about the choices that I make and draw lessons from them about the kind of person that I am and about the way I think.  When I make choices for her, I’m doing more than deciding what she’s going to wear or what she’s going to have for lunch, I’m telling her about her place in my life and about my personal preferences.  In addition, she wants to be freed from the burden of choice and given direction as to how I would like her to serve.  To her, there is no such thing as a small decision.

As a Dom, when you’re asked to make a decision, the first thing to realize is that being asked to choose is a demonstration of trust.  You’re being entrusted with someone’s power to choose - they are handing it to you because they trust that you’re going to use it wisely.  Do not disappoint them, and do not take this act lightly.

The second thing to realize is that this is an act of respect.  They are demonstrating that they acknowledge your place in their life and they deem you worthy of this position.  Being thoughtful, judicious, and considerate reaffirms this faith that they’ve placed in you and strengthens the bond between you and your sub.

The third thing to realize is that they are craving your leadership and your presence.  They want to feel connected to you, and allowing you to make these decisions allows them to feel your guiding hand in even the most mundane corners of their existence.  True dominance neither begins nor ends in the bedroom.  

Fourth, your submissive wants to feel owned.  They want to feel that they are your prized possession and that you care about every part of their life.  They want to know that what happens to them matters to you, and what better way to demonstrate this than by making informed decisions on even the most inane aspects of their existence?  

Fifth, your submissive is watching you and listening to you in all things.  They want to know you inside and out.  They want to know what you like, what you dislike, how you go about making your decisions, and what things you consider important.  All of these things help them to find ways to serve you and gives them a greater idea of the vision you have for them and for your relationship.

Sixth: many subs actually struggle with making decisions, large or small. As I sink into “Daddy and Babydoll time,” one of the reassuring things he repeats to me in a soothing voice is, “No more scary decisions. Little girls don’t need to decide; their Daddies decide for them.” Now, depending upon your level of power exchange, those decisions could be way less crucial than some of the ones Super Daddy makes for me on the regular. But there’s this part of lots of subby brains that freaks out or becomes paralyzed with anxiety, indecision, or fear when standing at a fork in the road. If you accept the leash, you’re easing that burden.

Reparenting Affirmations for Sexual Abuse Survivors

I am so glad you were born.

You are a good person.

You can come to me whenever you’re feeling hurt or bad.

You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection.

All of your feelings are okay with me.

You can make mistakes. They are your teachers.

You can have your own preferences and tastes.

You can choose your own values.

You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent, and not know all the answers.

What I don’t see discussed as much is the amount of work and real dedication it takes to be the submissive for a Super Daddy. I’m lucky enough to be one of those submissives, and I absolutely adore it and my Daddy. But it takes real, conscious, consistent dedication. It means sucking it up and getting out of bed when it’s raining and you’re warm and cozy and don’t want to move. It means thinking ahead about your weekend plans so he can help shape your meal plan properly. It means trying not to fuss when you don’t want to go to bed because you know that he doesn’t want your talking time to end either. It’s recognizing when he’s having a bad day and striving to be extra good because you know that it gives him joy when you do well. And it’s communicating. Telling him what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, where you are in your process, what’s going on at home, what your worries are. You have to let go of any pride and shame and self consciousness that will inhibit you from sharing with him; he’s not judging you, he just needs to know how you are.

It’s not always overtly sexy and romantic and kinky. Sometimes it’s “hey please tell me that I absolutely have to wash my hair”. Sometimes it’s “nothing’s really wrong but i don’t feel good and i just want You to know that in case i seem off”. Sometimes it’s just “UGH UGH UGH i KNOW i NEED TO BUT i DON’T WANT TO BUT i WILL BUT UGH”.

Nope.

“…last year this photograph of children looking at their smartphones by Rembrandt’s ‘The Night Watch’ in the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam [went viral.] It was often accompanied by outraged, dispirited comments such as “a perfect metaphor for our age,” “the end of civilization” or “a sad picture of our society”.

…It turns out that the Rijksmuseum has an app that, among other things, contains guided tours and further information about the works on display. As part of their visit to the museum, the children, who minutes earlier had admired the art and listened attentively to explanations by expert adults, had been instructed to complete an assignment by their school teachers, using, among other things, the museum’s excellent smartphone app….

The tragic thing is that this — the truth — will never go viral. So, I wonder, what is more likely to bring about the death of civilization, children using smartphones to learn about art or the willful ignorance of adults who are too quick to make assumptions?” José Picardo, Medium

But making this face and pose: