This is one of the more superficial forms of pestering I get from my mother, but I'll complain about it, regardless. In degrees of intensity, this is the tamest out of varied forms of yelling.
My mother likes having unbroken access to me - keeping me near, my attention focused on her, even if most of the time, I'm watching her watch tv and not encouraged to talk/ make any noise. It's frowned upon if I try to read or draw or partake in anything that would show my autonomy. I no longer have an art practice - not really. There's not room or time to complete commissions or my own work.
My mother always complains that I am a late riser. I don't wake until around 6AM. She goes for her walk between 4:30 - 5AM. I wake at 6 and I like to have an hour of peace in my room, alone, before taking my walk at 7AM. She yells that it's proof that I'm less impressive and less capable and that I need to correct this "mistake" by 4:30 each morning.
The only difference I see between walking at 4:30AM and walking at 7AM is that, at 7, I get to be alone and serve myself - no one else.
My mother is retired.. she interrupts me when I'm in meetings with students and doesn't see my job as real. She doesn't respect that I need to maintain a professional demeanor. She doesn't care about the students who are understandably confused when she's interrupting my calls to shout in Mandarin, knowing I'm speaking to students. It's about her needs and wanting a light shined on her at all times. I carve out time for her for most of the day, but it's not enough.
She got upset with me yesterday about my taking a 20 minute work call. She snapped, "The phone? Again? So frivolous, always on the phone like a teenager." She knew it was a work call.
It's projection. She uses me as a launching pad throughout each day to feel better about herself in matters that are absolutely mundane. Whose waist is narrower - who wakes up earlier - whose toes are more slender - who was more chased after by boys in their youth. It's all shit I don't care about. It's not my fault that she feels like she lacks that control in her day-to-day and it's not my responsibility. I'm also just trying to manage my emotions around a single day. And I'm trying not to put that on any one person. It's too much.
Everything is too much right now.
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