I find you on every street corner
Standing there with a grin that used to make me melt
and cringe
It’s been a year and I still can’t place my feelings
I’ve been told categories and subcategories of names for emotions
But all I can think is that it hurts.
Maybe out of loss,
or guilt,
or fear,
or shame,
or love.
I don’t know where to place it,
or what coping skill from therapy to use
to make it stop.
It’s a burning so deep in my chest
that’s fuelled by just one thought
then two
then three.
How can someone I hated so much
rip so much out of me when they’re gone.
How do I feel loss for something
I so desperately tried to get rid of in the first place.
I fight with myself to remain apathetic until it stabs me.
What do I do
What do I tell you in my dreams when you ask me how I’ve been
Do I tell you that you’re gone,
do I fight to wake up.
Do I tell you that you hurt me and I miss you all in one breath
so quickly that my common sense can’t stop me.
I remember I remember I remember
The trauma and the firsts
The love and the scars
And it burns.
All I can think is it burns.
Oh god it burns.
Please don’t visit me in my dreams tonight.
I’m so sorry,
but please not tonight.
