Lily Evans

Lily Evans & Benjy Fenwick: A Mood

It was strange, the way James and Lily went on. They had a way of bouncing back, simply falling back into a routine of casualty with each other despite previous interactions. This was a great example of such. He hadn’t particularly expected her, didn’t come here as a plan to lure her into speaking with her but somewhere subconsciously, he expected her to show. He could always count on Lily in that way. If she were here, it meant in some way, she missed him too. 

The corner of his lip rose, a playful crooked smile finding residence on the lower half of his face, creeping up to meet his eyes. “I suppose not.” e didn’t pull the phone away from his face as he spoke, didn’t lift his head to greet her with the longing for her company that he felt. It was always a game with Lily, one he felt he had grown quite good at. The casual manner in which they greeted each other provided a clean slate. It was as if starting a new hand at poker, any previous hands the other held only hinted at the current. You couldn’t really know. 

Lily sat, her figure lowering down to his level, the vision of it blurry out of the corner of his eye. He had to keep his smile from spreading, keep the other side of his lip from reaching his ear and giving him away before he was ready. Despite the effort though, his emotions shown on his face, his lips growing tight with satisfaction.

It was all a bit dramatic in James’ head, overplayed in the way things tended to be for him. “It’s like the candy one.” He lifted his eyes for only a moment, his eyelashes obscuring his view as he gazed at her. “This one’s got puppies though.”

He was flirting. It wasn’t, particularly because he wanted to woo her back into his arms, though he did half expect to. It was because this was always how he spoke to Lily. From the very first day James smiled and complimented her and it seemed that now, his habits stuck in a way that mocked her own. 

James let silence settle between them a moment, let his obviously false indifference to her presence linger a second longer. Sometimes, he feared to jump too quickly and scaring her off. Lily wasn’t the type to let you know she was scared, would rather clench her teeth and stand her ground but this was different. This was a fresh wound for both of them and while he could tell himself he was playing with her, he honestly missed her. He didn’t want her to leave. So he simply waited for her to speak up. When she did he shot her another glance, his eyebrow raised in question as he locked his phone screen, placing it face down on the small wire table. 

The casualty in her choice of words sent strange emotions through him. Like tree roots, they twisted inside him so that he couldn’t decipher one from the other, couldn’t see where one started and the other stopped, couldn’t count to see how many he was trying to separate, to begin with. Above all though, he was thrilled. 

“Well, I never had many to begin with.” He shrugged so that one shoulder lifted to his head, his nose wrinkling with his words. “Besides Evans, three days is a long while. Who knows what kinda trouble I could have gotten into.” He stared at her, his eyes flickering back and forth between hers as if they could mimic the smirk his mouth held.  

James may have thought he was flirting with Lily, however the reality was that he was only driving her crazy. Lily Evans prided herself in her ability to read others. The raise of an eyebrow, the way their lips twitched over a certain word, they were all tell tale clues onto how someone was feeling. James was rarely an exception to that, or so Lily had thought, when the reality was more likely that he rarely tried to hide his feelings from her. Now, however, he was just confusing Lily. A hint of a smile, but barely any words. The way he looked up at her through those lashes of his, but the glance was so brief. Lily was used to having his attention and when he did not give it to her right away it caused her to question momentarily whether or not their break up had been as mutual as she had originally thought.

Rarely wrong, it took a lot of Lily to admit she had done something unsavorable. She preferred to say she was unapologetic in her actions and owned them no matter the outcome, the truth was that she hated being wrong. It was her hubris, her character flaw, and very few people could make her second guess her actions. James Potter was one of those few. If there was a place to put the blame for their demise, Lily guessed it could be with her. The Ministry was too much, the stress was too much, and Lily Evans wasn't the type to just let things go. Instead she had a way of self destructing when getting overwhelmed and this time James happened to be in the crossfire. There was no nasty words exchanged and there was nothing regrettable said, just her getting irritable over everything and finding her outlet to all her stress in starting fights. She never said she was right in what she had done, but at the time their break seemed the right choice. Now with three days under her belt of realizing the gravity of what had happened Lily was left sweating every single detail of this shared moment. Was he angry with her? Had she messed up that greatly? 

And then he set his phone down.

Instantaneously the tension rolled out of Lily's shoulders, allowing her to breathe easy in the relief of knowing he wasn't purposely ignoring her. She was just overthinking his actions. Turning into one of those girls she used to roll her eyes at in the common room. It was just James Potter for Merlin's sake. But those other girls had never been in love with James Potter. Leaning back against the wired chair Lily crossed one leg over the other, comfortably, as she met his gaze. Letting the silence fall between them Lily kept her eyes trained on his until he spoke, breaking her gaze as she leaned forward to reach for her cup of coffee. "It is a long time. I assumed by now you'd be married with six kids, don't see a ring though so I'm guessing those plans fell through" taking a sip of her coffee Lily was able to contain the smirk from spilling out onto her face.

There was so much to be said that Lily couldn't bring herself to actually vocalize. How could one explain just what she was thinking? There was no good way to admit she was wrong or that she had spent the last three days mourning the very face that was now sat in front of her. Feelings were funny in that aspect. Lily Evans was independent, more than most people could wish. She had her own apartment, bought her own groceries, tucked herself in at night, and could fix a whole host of household problems with a wave of her wand. She was perfectly capable of surviving on her own, and surviving quite well. But what if she didn't want to survive on her own? Lily could feel her heart pounding in her chest as her hand rested on the edge of the table, nails digging into her palm as she finally met his gaze once more. "I missed you" the words tumbled from her tongue before Lily could stop them, vulnerability flashing in her eyes as her face crumbled momentarily before dropping her eyes to the black table, suddenly finding the wire pattern very interesting. It was a quick recovery as she set her jaw, forcing both the emotion back behind the blank canvas and her eyes up to his once more.

 "I mean it really sucks having to take out the trash myself, who knew how heavy that bag actually is going down three flights of stairs".

Muted sounds of unintelligible conversation surrounded him. Cups clanking, people walking by, the occasional car passing by accompanied the myriad. Somehow, the noise was comforting, made him feel less settled into the chair he sat in now. James didn’t much like sitting, didn’t care for the feeling of being still. No one understood why he chose to remain jobless with a characteristic that demanded so much turbulence. The matter of the fact was if he were going to work it would have to be worth the loss of his time, a constant schedule he was bound to would need a better outcome than money.

He had found this coffee on his way to Diagon Ally one day. It seemed fitting for him somehow, a place in-between. It sat right next to the leaky cauldron, just the other side of the wall. It was small, sometimes crowded but James liked it that way. He sat there on his way in most days, sitting himself on the wire outdoor chair, his hands resting on the small, matching table as he flicked through his phone. The muggle world was exciting to him somehow, knowing he had a secret no one could simply see. He knew something they didn’t and nothing had to be done about it. Beyond that, muggles were interesting. their habits and customs were different yet still somehow familiar. He was lured to it.

His thumbs moved swiftly over the screen, eyes singularly focused on the puzzle that constantly changed, each piece different as his thumb hit it. He had taken to app games as a form of public distraction. They worked almost too well sometimes, the cup of coffee sitting in front of him growing cold with neglect.

“Fancy seeing you here.”

He didn’t sound as surprised as his words suggested. His eyes didn’t move from the screen, thumbs still eagerly traversing. He didn’t need to look up, his casually slumped posture against the wire back of his chair allowing him to see just over the sidewalk he sat by with his peripheral vision.

Habits were hard to break.

Lily Evans always tied her left shoe before her right. She always flipped on the light in her entrance hall before entering her apartment. She always sat on the same bench in the same park every Tuesday morning. And finally, Lily Evans always drank coffee from the same coffee shop. Creature of habit, maybe. Lily liked to tell herself it was more the coffee than her habits, but that was only partially true. Coffee was coffee and Lily could not tell this particular cafe from any Starbucks in muggle London, her palette was not that refined, yet she still came to this one. That’s where the creature of habit came in for it was not that Lily had to come to this particular coffee shop, it was that it was the most comfortable. 

Lily might not have cared what the coffee tasted like, but James did. Something about the allure of a muggle shop, something about how the coffee tasted. He’d babbled on the first morning they had gone to the coffee shop together, not that she had been listening well clearly, and ever since Lily Evans had spent more than her fair share of time doing work and passing the time between these four walls. It was only good memories though at this point it seemed to just cause her chest tighten in the slightest. She was alone today and it seemed it would be that way for a while.

Nevertheless Lily had needed coffee and after standing in a queue for the last ten minutes she had received her cup with the intention of simply slipping through the Leaky Cauldron and onto Diagon Alley. There was a manuscript waiting with her name on it and this coffee would jump start her brain in the best way. Exiting the coffee shop she had every intention on leaving, not paying much mind to the muggle women chattering nor the man in a business suit who held the door for her as she left. But something stuck out to her, an invisible cue causing Lily to pause for a moment her eyes falling on a lanky frame in a wire chair. 

“Well, I hope you didn’t expect me to just allow you to enjoy your morning” Lily shrugged as she neatly took a seat across from James at his table. “What are you playing? Sudoku?” she asked, “Or is it that candy game the muggles play again?” taking a sip from her coffee Lily felt almost too comfortable sitting across from a man whom she probably should have just left alone. Having broken up just days prior the wounds were probably still too fresh to have a conversation with James, but that was something she could cry over later. It was rough to go from seeing someone daily, to not seeing them for days on end. She couldn’t have ignored him even if she had wanted to. 

Setting her coffee down on the table Lily allowed her eyes to travel around the outside portion of the cafe before finally settling on James once more. “You know it’s rude to ignore someone sitting across from you? I’d have to say I’m highly offended, Potter, I don’t talk to you for three days and you’ve lost all common manners” the sarcasm dripped in her voice and smirk settled on her face as her nails tapped against the black wire. “I thought I’d trained you better than that by this point”. 

★

At the mention of his dorm at school,  he smirked and rolled his eyes playfully at her. Remus laughed lightly, recalling the memory easily and knowing that her words were more than true. It was hard to believe that they had only just finished school and yet Remus was missing it more than he should. “To be fair, most of that was not mine,” he replied defensively with a teasing grin. “I am taking responsibility for some of it. However, I blame James and Sirius for leaving there stuff out at all times.”

His laughter faded and his smile softened to a genuine and worried look. Remus could tell there was something weighing on her mind and he offered a sympathetic smile before letting his gaze fall to his lap. When he looked back up at her, Remus held her gaze as she talked. Even though she was acting like nothing was wrong, Remus could tell there was something distant. His smile was soft in response to her answer. “I’ll make sure to catch that then. Sounds fascinating. You missed my own show last week down at the pub. It deserved an encore,” Remus said sarcastically, giving her a short smile as he went along with her charade. 

The only other person Remus knew personally that was too hard on themselves besides himself was Lily. Both of them had strive in school to be in the top of their class, both working harder than most of their classmates. Remus could tell there was something on the other’s mind as he exchanged a smile with her and gave her a squeeze on her shoulder. “Sorry about-Do you want to get some tea?” He asked, a grin slowly spreading across his lips. “Seems like the perfect day for it. And only tradition for us to talk over tea.”

One of the things that Lily loved the most about Remus was how he did not push. James was a pusher, he liked to talk things out and would endlessly bother someone for an answer. Sirius was not as pushy, much kinder, but the qualities were still present. Peter seemed oblivious to human emotions, which Lily appreciated. However Remus seemed to both be able to acknowledge her feelings while also not forcing her to speak. Instead his quiet nature would draw out whatever was on her mind. It was why they got along so well in school and a big part of the reason Lily felt most comfortable in his presence. He provided her a space that felt familiar and comforting without the expectations of spilling her deepest secrets when prompted. 

“I missed a classic Remus Lupin meltdown? Damn, you need to text me about these things. I would have shown up” Lily teased, her smile growing less tight as they talked. It was nice how normalized their shared emotions seemed. It was because they struggled similarly. It was hard having everyone expect so much from you that when you failed to be that person it was difficult to deal with. They were the smart ones, the kind ones, the hardworkers. And sometimes Lily just wished she was none of the above and could just settle with being Lily Evans.

“Sorry about what?” Lily asked, “That your best friend broke up with me? That everyone just sees me as my blood status? That Dumbledore won’t let me do anything these days? Me too.” Lily wasn’t bitter about the first part, James had done nothing wrong they had simply grown apart during the tense times of the Ministry. It was more a change in her than in him and time apart was needed. Standing up when Remus suggested tea, Lily gathered her things “Please or else I might be ending up at the Leaky Cauldron a day early”. 

Even though the day had barely started for Remus, he was already exhausted. Sensing how this was a repetitive feeling he chose to walk in the park, hoping that some fresh air would help his mood. At first when he spotted Lily from a far he felt himself smile but as he began to approach her, concern grew on his face. She didn’t even notice when he was in front of her until his movements to sit down caught her eye.

There had been times that Remus had seen Lily upset, knowing during school she could get overwhelmed with classes or the way she was treated. Almost immediately upon noticing him, she became frantic and apologized. He realized what she meant and found the folders before giving them to her. As he gave them to her he got a proper look, noticing the dried tears on her cheeks.

“Lily,” Remus said, giving her a soft smile. It had been a while since he had seen her, he thought trying to recall the last time. He was so worried about why she was upset, he could see it written all over her face, and it hurt him.  “Don’t apologize. You should see my room,” he teased, trying to shrug it off before letting his tone become calmer. “What happened?”

Remus Lupin. Lily Evans would always have a soft spot for the kindest man she knew. He’d always been a good friend to her, many times when others were not, and had seen her through a lot in the last seven years. It was only fitting that fate would spin it so he was the one to find her in her current state. There was something comforting about knowing it was him who was sitting next to her. Something that made her feel less small.

At his joke Lily shook her head, a tight smile taking over her features, “I’m sure your room isn’t that bad. Can’t be any worse than that horrid dormitory at Hogwarts you used to live in, and if it is then we really need to get you some help” she told him, shuffling the folders in her lap before neatly setting them alongside her bag. 

The question was inevitable, he had just caught her crying, though Lily wasn’t sure if she was ready to answer. It took her back to the day when Severus called her a mudblood and how silly she felt over a word. Sure it was derogatory, but she was a fool for allowing it to affect her so much. She was Lily Evans, brightest witch of her year, it wasn’t alright for a slur to cause her to come apart at the seams. Instead of answering truthfully Lily shrugged, clasping her hands in her lap before finally meeting Remus’ gaze, “This is just part of my routine. Get up, send emails, get a coffee, go cry on a park bench. Tomorrow I cry in the bathrooms of the Leaky Cauldron, you should catch that one much better show than this one” 

* date: march 24, 2018.

* status: open.

* location: diagon alley.

Eliza’s hands were covered in pastel paint. 

She always liked decorating Easter eggs, even though her family didn’t necessarily celebrate the holiday. The colors were light and fun, full of air, full of life. The holiday spirit always seemed to match Eliza’s attitude, anyways, and with everything going on, she was happy to see everyone else’s mood be a little elevated.

That was, until, she ran hands first into a person making their way down the path. “Oh, goodness,” she laughed, quickly pulling away. “Looks like I’ve made a painting out of your shirt. Lucky for you, I’m actually quite famous. We could frame it, sell it. I’ll even give you half the proceeds.” She grinned as she said it, hoping that the other person would take her joke well.

Lily wasn’t paying attention frankly.

There were a million things on her mind and walking was the last. She had to swing by and pick up a manuscript, send a few emails, buy a baby gift for Millie, and also get all the ingredients for tonight’s risotto. So many things to do, so little time. Plus somewhere in the middle of that all she needed to see Moody about some Order happenings. So much on her mind and honestly she didn’t even notice when someone ran into her.

It was the comment that brought Lily out of her head giving her little to no time for a reaction. “Painting out of my-” looking down at her blouse Lily realized what the girl had meant and though it was a tad annoying-she couldn’t be mad. Did she have time to go home and wash her shirt of blue handprints? No, but it wasn’t anything magic couldn’t fix. 

“Half? No, I’d like seventy percent considering it’s on my shirt. I’ll give you thirty but that’s just because I’m generous” Lily smirked, adjusting her bag before tapping her blouse making the hand prints disappear without a word. “I hope you were actually painting something because otherwise I’ll just have to assume you murdered a smurf and that was it’s blood on my shirt”.

Leaving the coffee shop with her things and without even bothering to wait for her coffee Lily felt no relief even as cool air calmed her hot cheeks. She fought her way through the crowds of Diagon Alley and the surrounding areas until she could fight no more, ducking into a park she came to rest on a bench. This was all so ridiculous, crying on a park bench was far beneath the girl who used to fight fire with fire. At Hogwarts she would yell, scream, and bite until she was seen. She was impassioned and nothing could crush her spirit. But this wasn’t Hogwarts. The real world was a lot sadder than Hogwarts and it didn’t matter how hard she fought, she still ended up losing. The Ministry had taken away her rights and instead of fighting she had been asked to sit down. “It’s not your time, Lily, the time will come” Dumbledore’s words echoed in her head every time something new happened. It wasn’t her time to fight, but how could she sit still when she felt so powerless?

Someone sitting down on the bench next to her caused Lily to quickly gather her things scattered where she had tossed them down and wiping her eyes the blush returned, she didn’t want others seeing her cry. “Sorry, I think you’re sitting on my folder” Lily told the person, with a weak laugh, “My stuff is everywhere. I just kind of threw it down. I’m sorry” 

Sofia approached Lily after hearing the exchange that had just occurred. Curfew had certainly become no joke. She had not thought it was something that would be a long-term solution, but here they were and the curfew was still very implemented. There was still about twenty minutes until the end of curfew, so she was not sure why the man had stopped her friend. However, it was clear that she was stressed.

“This is getting a little ridiculous.” The raven-haired witch sighed. “Have you thought about going to muggle London for a weekend? A time to get away from all of this and maybe get to see some family that you don’t see often?” Sofia had just returned from spending some much needed time with her maternal grandparents. It was sad how much their daughter missed out on how wonderful her parents were and how amazing her own daughter had become.

Frazzled. That was how Lily felt as she tried to collect her thoughts on what she needed from the stand. It was jarring to know that the aurors were there and waiting for when the minute passed nine but Lily couldn’t let that get to her. She needed fresh produce for the next few days and with work she wasn’t sure she would be able to make a run until the weekend. 

At the sound of a familiar voice Lily looked up and gave Sofia a small smile, “It’s fine. It’s the new rule and all I can do is abide by it” that wasn’t how she truly felt at all but with an auror a few feet away there was no need to test her luck by being rude. At the suggestion of going to muggle London Lily couldn’t help but laugh a little, “Honestly that might be worse than the curfew” she told her with a shrug, “Here I get harassed about my muggle parents, there I get harassed about my pureblood husband. Either way someone’s not happy with me”.