Days In Diapers

 Although everyone into the BDSM scene has heard of endorphins, actually very, very few people really understand what they are, how they work, what the “high” is all about and how one can correctly induce the body to produce them. This short primer will answer those questions, and serve as a guide for anyone topping another so that they may successfully send their bottom into a very deep endorphin stupor! (Also known as leaving them in a big puddle of quivering ecstasy!)

The endorphin high is caused by a bunch of natural, morphine-like chemicals the body pumps into your brain to reduce your sensitivity to pain (thus raising your pain threshold.) The fact that the body seems to release these endorphins in measured ‘loads’ is a key to understanding how to ‘play’ the body to produce these ‘loads’ and ‘release’ them into the body and brain region when the ‘load’ is ready. One has to keep in mind that another chemical – adrenalin – is also produced by the body in reaction to pain, and its behavior should be understood also. This is covered later more thoroughly in the section at the end on aftercare – which is a VERY essential element in guaranteeing the success of the effort, as you will see.

The endorphin ‘loads’ as they are available in the body are released in their entirety, and after a ‘load’ is released, it takes the body about ten minutes to generate the chemicals for another one. After the body has been induced to release (or ‘inject’) a ‘load’ into the system, you must then continue stimulating the body for at least ten minutes in some manner before the body will be ready to release another one. This stimulation can be just about anything – sensation play, light paddling or flogging, light caning, etc. – and it does not have to be intense or even nearly match the intensity of stimulation that had caused the release of the last ‘load.’

Once prepared, an increase in stimulation over a five minute span up to a measured ‘climax’ will trigger the body to release the freshly prepared ‘load’ (based upon the submissive’s current pain threshold, “measured” to push them over a new edge.)

So, armed with this information, what does a session look like from the top’s and bottom’s point of view? This should break it down for you.

When a scene first starts, there are no endorphins in the submissive, and even fairly light torment is very stingy, ouchy, and, well, painful! There is an endorphin reserve already in place that is awaiting release into one’s body in case of an emergency, and after just a few minutes of even relatively mild stimulation building to a mild climax, this reserve ‘load’ is released, and suddenly the pain threshold clearly rises and the subject can easily tolerate what earlier may have been pushing their limits, making them jump around and squirm, for instance. This new, more pain tolerant state is Level One. There is no altered state of consciousness yet – but there is an increased pain threshold.

Once this has happened, for the top it’s basically just about treading water for ten minutes and doing anything that provides relatively light but constant stimulation to induce the bottom’s body to prepare/create their next ‘load’ for release. This is a good time for sensation play, or light paddling, flogging or whipping – and since the only requirement is that it remain fairly constant stimulation, it is a chance for the top to relax for a bit, since the stimulation can be very mild and be easy and relaxing to apply during this time.

Once the ten minutes has passed, a build in intensity over a subsequent five minute period will excite the body to a peak, and a sudden 10–15 seconds or so of intense stimulation just beyond the person’s current pain threshold limit will trigger the body to eject its freshly made, current load into the bloodstream. Now the bottom will be at  Level Two – with still no perceivable altered state of consciousness (beyond panting in relief that you, the top, have ceased with the intense bit!), but there is a considerable  and noticeable leap in pain threshold now.

Following this, again, ten minutes of mild, easy stimulation to provoke the body into generating the next load as quickly as possible. Keep this well below the pain threshold you’ve now created, with just a little intense whack, etc. every so often, about a minute apart. This will keep the adrenalin build up to a minimum, for reasons explained later on. Take it easy, tops, relax, rest that arm and wrist a bit! Then, this relaxing ten minutes is followed with five minutes of building the intensity again to well above the previous level, as the bottom’s pain threshold is pretty high already now and they can take a lot more before the body interprets this as being ‘in crisis’ and thus triggers the endorphins’ release. Finished off with 10–15 seconds (up to a minute) of a real intense, over the edge push, and the body will inject that next load.

Now at  Level Three, the bottom will definitely feel a little bit ‘woozy’ — exhibiting a “mildly drugged” state. Their eyelids should become heavier seeming, and they will fall into a more relaxed condition than before, with more low moans and groans, and with their inhibitions becoming more relaxed. Again, applying ten minutes of any relatively mild stimulation (don’t have to work hard, tops!), followed by a five minute build to a 10–15 second intense climax now that is WELL beyond the previous one, will result in the next endorphin “load” being released to push the bottom into a very nice Level Four head space.

At this Level Four state, there will be a very definite altered state of consciousness in evidence, and the bottom will feel clearly drugged and will be very compliant and submissive now. This is countered, however, by the largest charges of adrenalin they have received so far (from the intense climax just used to push them over this “edge”), so they are still quite communicative and their reaction time is still quick (even hypersensitive – a small whack with a paddle, cane or whip can now generate a huge amount of twitching or jerking of the subject’s body with certain bottoms.) Now, during the ten minute ‘treading water’ period for the top, the moans and groans will be longer and deeper, the body often limp in it’s restraints, and the reactions to the occasional harder ‘strikes’ will be obvious and even somewhat amplified. This is the tops finest time – they can still relax and obviously not be exerting themselves very hard, yet produce fine moans of ecstasy from their bottom with hardly any provocation! The pain threshold is high, even if the reaction time is increased due to the adrenalin, so harder occasional strikes are welcomed, and the reactions are certainly encouraging!

After this ten minute “endorphin replenishment” period, now it is important to be very sensitive to the limit levels crossed earlier, as you begin that five minute build in intensity that will end in the most intense limit pushing you might do with the bottom for this session (if you are stopping at level five). The bottom will have a very high pain threshold at this time, but also will be fairly groggy (in spite of the adrenalin-fueled reaction times) and less able to communicate their safe word – in fact, will now be so compliant that it is very UNLIKELY that they would use it even if they should do so! So, push this “grand finale” with finesse and sensitivity to what is going on with your bottom! At the other end of the 10–30 second climactic build in intensity – in a wonderful blast – this latest endorphin load will push the bottom into Level Five: a state of supreme ecstasy, docility, and the ability to take just about anything you could throw at them. They will become very limp and relaxed very suddenly – and be very clearly in an altered state of consciousness now.

This is the point most people end the scene and remove the bottom to cloak them in a blanket and begin the all-important aftercare … and unless you know your bottom extremely well, this is where the session should end. However, for those in that category of knowing their bottom’s limits and abilities quite well, the rules and timing are the same as with the earlier segments. Now, your ‘mild’ stimulation could be fairly intense if you wanted it to be, and the bottom will become extremely submissive – and receptive – and accepting of any amount of stimulation you could lay on them. This is a dangerous condition, because there is NO WAY a person will utter a safe word in this condition – they can barely talk at all! So, it is best to keep the stimulation relatively intense but not too too (Note: the stronger intensity applied now will hold up the adrenalin levels, and the combination with the elevated endorphins levels creates a condition of intense excitement and of simultaneously intense ecstatic relaxation for the bottom, so they’ll be into receiving whatever is being doled out. More on adrenalin in a minute, though!) Again, finish off after the ten minutes with a building in intensity to one beyond that reached earlier, with a 10–15 second extreme point, and the next 'load’ will be released. So, now we have brought the bottom to a very amazing  Level Six! (But, again, this should only be attempted with a bottom whose limits and abilities are already very well known! The top is working without the benefit of safe words being utterable, in most cases by this time, so care must be exercised this whole while.)

With all the adrenalin now in the body – as well as the complete release of inhibitions from the heavy dosing of endorphins now in their brain – behavior of the bottom can become unpredictable at this point, and you should be prepared to restrain against some wild thrashing and arm flailing that could take place (at least be out of harm’s way!) The person/bottom is going to be in such an intensely altered state of consciousness now that their reactions could possibly be of an extremely primitive nature, and they may be capable of only 'animal-like’ noises and reactions, and no or very little recognizable speech. So, watch out! Following this reasoning, approach the subject as you would a wild animal – very gently, talking soothingly and gesturing in a calming manner. Be prepared for sudden wild jerking, or seeming attempts to 'get away.’ And don’t take it personally! At Level Six, this person is totally ga-ga! Be assured, they are enjoying every millisecond of this experience! And a very long period of dreaminess is now in store for them – if their aftercare is handled properly!

So, why do I go on and on about the aftercare? The work of putting endorphins into the subject’s body is finished, right? Well, yes, but you have also succeeded in putting very, very large amounts of adrenalin into their system, and adrenalin is tricky stuff. Even at Level Four, aftercare is important now because of they way adrenalin burns off – it burns off very quickly – compared to endorphins, which burn off very slowly. At Level Five or Level Six, there is enough adrenalin in the body that it will take 10 to 20 minutes for it to burn off (even up to half an hour!), and during this time, the bottom very likely will experience a number of adrenalin 'crashes’ (similar in a way to coffee jags), and some of these can be very intense — and even quite frightening! They will need to be kept warm and be held and comforted AT LEAST throughout this period of adrenalin burn-off. My feeling is that if you don’t care enough for the bottom to enjoy cuddling and caressing with them for up to half an hour, you probably shouldn’t be taking them to any Level Six endorphin/adrenalin levels! (Or even perhaps to a Level Four!)

This adrenalin “crash” experience for the bottom is something many, many tops are unaware of, and they have no concept of the amount of harm they could be doing to someone’s psychological state by not performing adequate, loving, fondling and comforting aftercare during this time. All the bottom needs now is to be held and to hold you (or whoever you assign to perform aftercare) back – in order to be comforted by your presence, and to be allowed to make you become the entire focus of their awareness. No stroking, or massage, or other stimulus is needed or even desirable at this time. What is important is to keep in verbal contact with the bottom (not requiring words as responses, merely nods), instructing them every little while to relax. The adrenalin will have them in a very agitated state – high heart beat and breathing levels, etc. – and this situation is completely counter to the endorphin experience.Sure, they have a ton of endorphins in their system, but the adrenalin is presently holding them off from experiencing the full effect of them. The top’s guidance is extremely important at this time to help them relax through the adrenalin burn-off period.

The important thing to realize is that, if not actually 'talked down’ out of the adrenalin agitation, the person could easily never allow themselves to relax enough to even feel the massive content of endorphins that currently exist in their system! (Maybe you’ve all seen the bottom who, after 45 minutes to an hour of intense stimulation to the point of near-total collapse on the cross or bench, is released and – after a mere couple of minutes – is just mingling around and talking and mixing with people as if nothing ever happened. These people are floating on a self sustained adrenalin buzz. This not only is likely to be unhealthy, but these bottoms are cheating themselves out of a long, long stretch of total endorphin-induced ecstasy!)

Step-By-Step Aftercare Instructions

So, while gently holding the bottom and letting them hold you back, coo softly and comfort them, and tell them to go ahead and to let themselves relax. You will feel them do so as they comply to your wishes, as they are quite docile and compliant to receiving instructions at this point. But they will also slowly tense up again from the adrenalin. Keep reminding them to relax, telling them to give themselves permission to relax totally. As they begin to succeed at doing this after a while, some will encounter a frightening feeling, which some describe feeling as if 'falling off a cliff,’ and they will tense up a great deal from fright in that event. Or, they might encounter a feeling of intense 'blackness’ (as the endorphins get a chance to relax even their optic nerve) and they will freak out and pull back from relaxing again.

If they report such experiences (or even before they do) tell them not to fear that, but to let it go and pass through it – telling them to relax themselves through the sensation of falling or blackness with the understanding that this is quite normal and is a common experience. Once they do that, having learned to “relax through it”, they will be “in it” after that point, and will begin to relax very deeply, very often seeing colors and beautiful technicolor visions and dreamlike landscapes, spaces and places. How sweet!

Once this happens (which, again, will take at least 10 minutes — and up to a half hour for some, depending on the amount of adrenalin that they must burn off), then your bottom needs only a little more loving attention, and can then be left bundled in a blanket somewhere on their own to float in a happy bubble, very possibly for hours!

Tops should be mindful of the fact that if they had intended to have sexual play with their bottom, they should probably fit that in around level three or four, for after hitting level five, their bottom may be too floaty to be able to concentrate for long on what they are doing. Then again, that can sometimes result in extremely passionate and inhibition-free indulgence, resulting in heights of ecstasy and orgasm never before experienced. But, if your bottom drifts out on you or loses their erection, don’t say I didn’t warn you! There’s no telling which way they will go at level 5 or 6!

“Flying”

There is another factor that can produce an altered state of consciousness FAR FAR beyond even that of the most extreme endorphin experience. This is experienced by submissives whose intense focus upon their Master or Mistress (their Dominant) – and upon pleasing them – eventually leads to a hallucinogenic kind of altered state known commonly in the BDSM community as “flying,” having an almost mythological aura surrounding the word by now, though for very good reasons! It is probably the most profound experience one can have as a submissive. It involves a state of intense devotion towards the dominant (who is not just a mere “top” at this point!) that borders upon religious worship, with complete trust and a total commitment to please and satisfy them thoroughly. Through the attainment of a complete selflessness and focus on the dominant, a transformation takes place that is very, very deep, almost trance-like.It can become so profound as to produce an extended, hallucinogenic state that is very wonderful and blissful. Many have reported even seeing visions under the spell of this “flying” effect. All have attested to the profound sense of peace and bliss they have experienced while even near the “edge” of this state.

This “flying” state can be attained by some with very little endorphin content in their system (some say even with none, but I’m quite certain most folks have attained at least a level Three or Level Four endorphin high in order to trigger the total release of inhibitions which this psychological state seems to require, at least generally speaking.) With practice, the release into this “flying” submissive-space should come easier and easier, eventually with even a mere suggestion being able to trigger the effect for some with very little or even no endorphin content being in the picture. COMBINED with the level 5 or 6 endorphin head space, there likely can be no deeper state of ecstasy possible for the bottom — short of total enlightenment! Until such an experience of full enlightenment can be accomplished, perhaps the attainment of this interim bliss is quite acceptable, and certainly should be considered an attractive and enjoyable state to be in! The secret ingredients are intense focus; a commitment to please the dominant utterly; and complete and total devotion! These ingredients – with some endorphins in the mix – should produce a quite satisfying effect for both the submissive and the dominant!

I want to be babied so badly right now.

Take away my phone, take away my adult privileges, don’t give in when I want them back. You know what’s best.

Put me in a diaper, stick a bottle with chocolate milk in my mouth, and lay me down between your legs. Run your fingers through my hair or pet my cheek, always making sure to constantly have a hand on me.

Either let me watch my favorite littlespace movies or play lullabies so I slowly drift into a toddler-like headspace.

I just want my big girl brain to turn off for a long while.

I’ve been an infantilist all my life, and I’ve been through those dumb annoying purge cycles that most of you AB/DL’s know about.

I reached a point where it weirded me out that i had this need to feel little, or to wear diapers. I reached the point where it mattered to much what others might think of me if they knew what I was doing. And I reached that point where I beat myself up about beeing so different than all the other people.. Inevitably i reached the point where i swore to give it all up, and threw everything away that made me feel safe along with my feelings, just so that I could be like everyone else.. And finally I reached the point where I felt way worse than I did before, and felt that I couldn’t keep lying to myself anymore.

Self acceptance is not easily achieved, and most AB/DL’s go through a somewhat similar cycle one or more times in their life, before they reach the final point of self acceptance. Personally having gone through that cycle several times, i still get those feelings from time to time, but at least for now, i feel that i can stay true to myself, and accept that i have these cravings that are a part of me. Some people have told me to grow up, and that what I am and do is disgusting. I don’t think it’s for anyone to judge something that they don’t understand. They don’t know how it makes us feel or how terrible we’re off without it. Without satisfying these needs, it would just leave a void that would need to be filled with other stuff.. I know I’ve said it before, but wearing diapers or being little is a very small price to pay to feel so good, secure and comfy. And there are way worse thinngs that you could have the need for.. personally i think a littleside is booth beautiful and super cute!, but i do get why some people might find it weird, some people just don’t get it, and that is fair enough. But i also think If they knew how great it makes us feel they wouldn’t dream of judging us.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how short life is, and that It’s very likely that we only get one chance to find the happiness that we want, and to reach the goals that we set. I think believing in yourself, and finding self acceptance is one of the most important goals to reach for, and it’ll surely make you more happy in the end. It’s hard feeling so different, and accept things that make you stand out of the croud, but that goes for a lot of things, like having a different sexuality or for example beeing an AB/DL.

I think we can go through life being our own worst enemy, or our own best friend. I believe chosing to work with yourself and not against yourself is an important factor to live a happy life. Life is not always easy, and surely not when you are an AB/DL, but staying true to yourself and really realise that you have your own life to live instead of pleasing everyone else will get you a long way towards self acceptance.

We’re all unique in our own way and we like different things, but that is what makes us the ones we are. And I think if we can stay true to that, that’s something we should be proud of.

Diaper changes can be tough. When we aren’t in “little space,” changes can be a somewhat embarrassing necessity between us. We wear diaps because they are extremely convenient and comfy, but we can’t prevent the avoidable when they get full. Getting my girl down for a change can be hard, because she feels bad about the “contents” of her full diap and wants to put it off for as long as possible. But daddy knows best, and sometimes her diapers are extra “toxic” and need changing ASAP. I just make her feel really loved and caring through the process, and it’s a very intimate bonding experience between us each time. There’s something REALLY hot about changing an attractive 23 year old girls diaper...even if the smell melts my eyebrows sometimes 😷❤️ What are some of your changing experiences?

I think my number one, all-time, most improbable fantasy is to go to an AB/DL daycare, where a class of littles are overseen by a group of nannies, teachers and babysitters dedicated to providing quality care to the boys and girls under their watch. 

I don’t think this could ever happen, outside of a well-orchestrated CAPCon or TeddyCon style event, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about this fantasy. This is a concept that I see all the time in some of my favorite AB/DL authors’ works but if it were to be PERFECT in my eyes, it would have to include these elements:

A huge playroom! This is probably the biggest need for the AB/DL daycare, because that’s where everyone would spend most of their day. There would be plenty of places to run around and play games, and there would have to be upscaled size play furniture to climb on, lots of fun toys and enough stuffed animals for everyone to have their pick!

A nap room, littles need plenty of rest to play all day, so there would have to be a quiet place to get away from the excitement in the playroom. There would be plenty of cribs with comfy mattresses and lots of blankies and pillows, and cozy rocking chairs for the nannies to feed the sleepy littles their bedtime bottles and rock them to sleep before putting them down for their naps.

A cafeteria! All that playtime will make a little very hungry very quickly, and those naptime bottles will only go so far. Our nannies will have a fully stocked kitchen and pantry to feed our littles, and each little will be secured in a padded highchair with a five-point harness. Those who identify as toddlers can have their hands, but the baby regressors will have their hands cuffed to their sides, and will need their caregiver to feed them.

Plenty of changing tables, of course, because one will never suffice. There at least needs to be a pair of tables in the playroom for quick changes that get the littles back to playtime as quickly as possible, and two in the nap room so that diaper changes can be done before nap time, and so bedwetters can have a fresh diaper right when they wake up.

A very limited bathroom for the littles that think they are ready to use the potty. Inside is a normal toilet for the caregivers, and a special small potty for the littles, but there’s no privacy when using that one so that the caregivers can supervise. If the little doesn’t make it in time, caregivers don’t have to worry because there’s a bathtub to clean them off and a changing table to the side for when silly babies get put back into their diapers.

A closet for the naughty littles. No, this isn’t the chokey from Matilda, this is a storage closet that keeps paddles and hairbrushes out of reach from littles, but at an arms reach for our caregivers. Sometimes you just need to correct a naughty little’s behavior on the spot in front of all their friends, and taking them over your knee for a quick spanking with their diaper pulled down is a perfect solution to most transgressions.

Actually, let’s also have a whole punishment room! Littles who are especially naughty will be taken out of class and brought directly to the punishment room, which has a spanking bench, a changing table with lots of restraints, a crib outfitted with a segufix and a other BDSM furniture pieces. When a spanking just doesn’t cut it, littles will cry out their apologies quickly as they are dragged to the punishment room for a proper attitude adjustment.

A theatre room, but instead of comfy leather chairs, lets make it a bunch of adult-sized baby bouncers to keep the babies in place while Disney movies are played all day. It’s so relaxing to just take a break and laugh along with your friends at animated hijinks without having to worry about missing anything for a potty break.

An arts and crafts room for creating pictures and paintings to take home to mommy/daddy after daycare! There’s lots to do as the teacher guides the little through a craft, but this room would have to be close to the bathroom, just in case a little needs to be cleaned and have their diaper changed after getting messy with the finger paint!

A classroom to learn in! We want our littles to be well-developed smarty-pantses, so we teach them basic math, reading, social studies and science for a little time each day. It’s never challenging, but its always fun!

It’s not like “I find you really attractive”

It was just about to hit 8:45pm, your bed time was coming up soon and you knew your bedtime routine. Get your changing mat out, lotion, poweder, fresh thick overnight diaper ready, pacifier in mouth so no fussing, lie on your back and legs up in the air so you're babysitter could inspect what sort of toxic waste of a diaper she'd have to deal with.

You looked over everything making sure it was all there. Everything looked in order, you sat down gently onto your changing mat. Carefully not trying mush up the load sitting in the seat of your diapers. You put some weight on your back and lifted your legs. Your stinky shame was perfectly on display. If anyone walked into the room they would know that this young man clearly has the potty training skills of a newborn infant. You tried not to imagine what sort of thoughts ran through your babysitters head when she'd walk into the room and see you on display. This was a regular routine for you but it was still pride crushing. You turned your head to see the thick puffy overnight diaper resting beside it, your dick had probably be wrapped up in diapers more times then you could count, while you could count on your hands how many times it had been in a girls wet dripping pussy.

You looked down at the mess between your legs, it was comically large. Due to your constant time in diapers big meals would get the better of you. Dinners lately seemed to be getting bigger and much more heavier, by the time you'd be let out of your highchair you'd be scampering off to a more seculded part of the house to make a large mushy load into your heavy duty diapers. Depending on who was babysitting you some dinners would be followed up by a large bottle of warm milk. Nothing is quite humbling then being stuck in a hot chicks lap trying suckle down a baby bottle of hot milkies as quickly as possible so you don't mess yourself there and then.

Thankfully you're sitter tonight wasn't that twisted, Grace or Gracie as she preferred to be called was actually a very kind babysitter. She wouldn't tease you as much during changes, sometimes she'd let you stay up an extra 30mins after usual bedtime on weeknights and

would let you play videogames that had a adult rating. You appreciate these little things and always tried to stay on her goodside. You were pretty sure she might have had a crush on you, as she treated you so differently. On your end it was pretty obvious how you felt about her, a lot of changes you'd try not to get erect but always would, she seemed to giggle away and wasn't to upset about it while you lay blushing sucking on your pacifier avoiding eye contact.

The sound of clicking shoes on floor brought you out of your little daydream, Gracie was on her way and changing time about to commence. Gracie peaked into your room.

"Awww always so ready for bed time changies and looks like someone is in desperate need of one to"

You blushed at her comment but also couldn't help notice Gracie had changed her clothes since arriving, she wasn't in her casual lounge wear, but in something more serious a dress. She was dressed to go out and you could smell the fresh perfume she had just applied.

"Okay, I know you're in a big need of a changie but I sorta lost track of time when I was getting ready. Don't panic I'm just going out for like an hour with..... a friend! Now you can stay up that extra hour and do what ever you want. Lets keep that a little secret between you and I"

Gracie said rubbing the front of your diaper to butter you up to the idea. You nodded your head as she did.

"Great! I knew you wouldn't mind. Plus you get to stay up an extra hour playing videogames just like a big boy would"

Both of you heard a car horn outside

"Oh I gotta go sweetie. Remember I'll just be an hour. Just video games and tv, dont get up to anything naughty!"

she said winking as she ran for the door in her tight dress. You picked up your phone off your bed dresser and scrolled through Instagram, you noticed Gracie had recently put up a story. It was a mirror selfie of her with a caption that read

"Anyone around tonight? I'm free for some fun 😝"

It hit you Gracie wasn't really meeting a friend. You looked back at your bed with your changing mat and fresh overnight diaper out. Whoevers house she was going back to they probably didn't have changing supplies and a diaper laying out you thought in defeat. You booted up your Playstation to try take your mind off it and pass some time.

You played for a while and looked back at your phone, it has definitely been over an hour an you were starting to get bored of videogames and wondering when would Gracie get back. I guess if you had the free time you could sneak in a little humpie action you thought. You weren't allowed to make cummies in your diaper but Gracie wouldn't even notice by the time she got home.

You placed two pillows on your bed and began slowly grinding on them. The mess in the back of your diaper was sloshing about with each stroke. You decided to load up some porn to help you get there a bit easier. You picked a video where the girl kinda looked like Gracie, she was getting worked over hard. She was bouncing on her co-stars dick like a total pro, you begin picking up the pace imagining you were the one giving it to her hard and fast. They switched to doggy, you spat out your pacifier and began unconsciously timing your humps to the strokes in the video. You put your hand on your hips really emphasising the pounding you were giving, if this was Gracie she would be screaming my name you thought.

Suddenly. giggles erupted ,from behind you.

Gracie was standing right there, phone in hand recording. "Oh don't stop I think you're about to make that pillow cum stud muffin" she snorted still giggling at the scene she has just walked into.

You quickly unmounted your pretend sex partner, shocked, embarrassed and humiliated at what Gracie had just caught you in the middle of. You fumbled locking your phone attempting to silence the loud porn video playing.

Gracie shook her head "To think I gave you a little time to stay up and have fun but here I catch you humping the life out of a pillow in a messy diaper. Well firstly thats your phone privilege gone, secondly get into bed you're not getting a change tonight. Lastly, yes I will be sending that little video to your mom she can deal with you tomorrow morning."

She picked up your pacifier pushing it into your open mouth then headed for the door.

"Remember, you'll always be the one humping the pillow hunny not the guy in video giving it."

Coming home from an exhausting day of work only to find out mommy had beaten me home. She’d know it’s time to wind down and would remind me I no longer needed to play “big boy”... I could finally let go of my responsibilities for the day - it’s time to be baby.

She’d help me out of my dress clothes, tease me and remind me about how these clothes shouldn’t belong to such a baby...

She’d put me in a thick, crinkly Northshore Megamax diaper and bundle me up in a onesie, “There’s my baby boy!” she’d exclaim, looking down with an expression of accomplishment at the fully-grown adult man turned helpless infant.

We’d proceed back to the kitchen where she’d get out the adult high chair so I could be fed yum yums. Mommy wouldn’t let me use utensils to eat cuz she’d know I’d make a mess... so she would tease me with each and every bite constantly reminding me of how dependent I am on her for everything.

After yum yums, we’d relax by cuddling while watching a movie. This is where mommy would let me lay on her chest - thus allowing her to pat my bum and kiss me on the forehead (this is my favourite thing on earth). If I got hungry mommy would feed me a bottle or breastfeed...

After our movie, we’d head to bed where I’d be the little spoon and mommy would hold me tight and would never let go. Occasionally she’d check to see if I needed a change until we’d both fell asleep 😌

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about why I crave being controlled and why I feel so much better when I am being particularly submissive or obedient.

I had a pretty shitty childhood and had to grow up way too fast. I’m the youngest in a big (very dysfunctional) family and always felt that I got forgotten and ignored. I was essentially self sufficient at about 13/14 and could basically do whatever I wanted. I was a parent and living alone before I was even out of my teens. On top of childhood trauma, I had an emotionally abusive relationship and dealt with continued harassment whilst living alone for about 2 years. I developed a pretty hard exterior and I think I’ve always come across as a bit of a bitch, to be completely honest. I also became determined to be independent and show the world how much I could achieve all on my own, despite everything that had gone wrong. So why did I suddenly find myself wanting to be the complete opposite when I got together with Daddy?

I think the answer is that I finally had someone to care for me, instead of the other way around. I am so tired of caring for others and looking after myself my whole life, I hadn’t realised I so desperately needed to give up that control and have somebody I trusted look after me, control me, discipline me, make me better. I needed someone to put that effort in to hold me accountable and make sure that I did the best I could, to take away the decisions from me and make life that little bit easier, to make me do things I didn’t really want to do or wouldn’t choose to do myself, because they know what’s best for me. I needed that micro-management that I had never had before, even as a child. I needed the attention and care that I had always felt I missed out on.

The cookies explained.