minx

A short(ish) list of egocentrical poems about my own experience with the fear of being loved and love in return-- therefore the title.

Sickening truths and honey-sweet delusions

I'm batting demons out of simple confusion

I dare to draw my sword with vapid hubris swimming in my veins

I have no need for drugs or alcohol when I feel pain.

Sweat warmly dripping down my spine with wrong intentions 

And a mind that could conquer millions, 

But I sit down, I lay in my lovely grave I rinsed the dirt in cold water

I talk to spirits with the intention of a dead barter.

You talk and talk, you're battling dimensions no human could comprehend 

You're so much cooler, so much better, so much sweeter then the rest

You cry diamonds, sweat honey and salivate stevia

Your mind of gold can't comprehend my own abrasive nature.

So high up on your ego tall, praised well off into heaven's sweet delusions

Fighting off every intrusive thought that'd make you fall off 

You're all you'd ever want to be, if you can't think beyond your borders

You're everything others wish shallowly to borrow.

You're not to keep, and neither am I for it mattered

But you crave for someone's touch to alienate your inhibitions

I walk through behind and truly forward with no intentions set for sale

I dispare for and despise the dullness that your throne demands.

So you sit upon that glowing throne, 

Silver sparking off on moon-lit nights, those you find strangely empty,

You remember what once was when you had fun with your enemies

But old acquaintances don't turn to dust, they only turn against you.

So laugh again, old friend, my child

Don't find company in your foes,

Turn to find solace in your stars

And learn to find love for your own heart.

I had to crawl too many times to call people my home

I had to reinvent personas from the ashes of what once was

I had taken a few wager to lease a broken room

A burning house in a flaming town is all I'd ever known.

So I've been a dead girl walking for a couple years now,

I had looked and I have wandered, I have seen and I have conquered.

But when a dead girl lives, she lives much faster,

So she changes like the wind and she learns to master.

I could go wherever it'd be I'd want to, whenever I feel the breeze,

I could go amongst the lions, learn how they live

I could conquer cities freely, and become a queen myself

In the end I would still wander aimlessly in my bed.

Is it love I truly desire? Is it hope I truly seek?

Is it guidance that fuels the fire who keeps calling me weak?

I am lost without a craving, without a feeling to be mine,

I hold on to my own delusions that keep dragging me to die.

If I had no friends, I had no wander

If I had no thoughts of further lands I'd want to conquer

If I had-- I have no direction in which I leave

Would I be still seeking saneness from a sorrowed false pretense.

I would leave my masks behind, I would wander true and free,

I would have the guts to fall from grace and cure my god for he created me

If I had no books I'd want to read, if I had no spite to prove my power

I'd laze off into the sunset and drink liquid from the drain for dire.

But I'm not a shallow creature that wants nothing more then pleasure,

I have books to read and lands to conquer, I have lives to live and dreams to dream.

For I'm not a loosely creature, struggling to keep their moral ground,

Searching insignificantly for their own shallow god.

So I do. I curse creation, I battle my own god instead

I read the books and tell the stories of all the lives I've lived.

I reach for heaven to fall right back into hell, 

I reach for pace to find that chaos actually suits me well.

For I am not without desires, I am not without a cause,

I am not without dreams or direction, I am not without flaws.

I have cursed my own damn name and caught my own damn fries,

Even if the sky starts falling tomorrow 

I've got people to love, things to kill with my words,

I've got aflamed arrows to catch in my mouth, no hesitation,

I have to do all the things I never thought I'd get to.

With all those pesky feeling I was ignoring, I feel so whole,

Because when I love I do it fully, full of life and spite,

For all those who can't and all those who still think I shouldn't,

I fight knives with words and incredible devotion.

Faithless no more, I fall to my knees yet only in secret,

I scream for absolution and acceptance while I'm keeping my hurt with my teeth,

I carry it like a blanket along with my pride and pleasure,

I care no more for all those who hurt me, only for my wounds.

I've striked down all thoughts and wander for my lovely hurt,

I pretended to prefere hedonism to the enticefull color of my wounds,

I looked over my shoulder once too many times,

Sober thoughts in sober moments, I have fought well-better demons,

I try to find your disappearance at the end of my road,

I drown in silence, grace and honor, there is nothing left to keep

I will find more rotted people and way more lively dead.

For at last I will remember, and you'll honor your disgrace,

I might find more honourable causes and way more worthy foes to battle 

For some supposed strangers I find it hard to keep it cool,

I'm in charge of all my sourness and I always chose to keep my lovely hurt.

And you pull me by my roots towards you for no reason other than the pressure to not,

To deny me my wish to remain nameless and break me apart into nothing,

Fighting for my lies to stick so I don't end up getting hurt,

And yet you dissemble all and render me naked in front of you.

Theatrical hedonism leads to nothing good, I break apart from you,

And yet you keep pushing for some reason, unknown and unknowable,

For I should like the one meant to break my heart and lie to me,

But you're too close, too sweet, too varied and I can't stand him.

I fall backwards into nothingness to see all there is for I am not afraid, 

Your altar demands worship from its favourite sinner-- my lovely pride, my old friend

I call your bluff and open my mouth to shout, but your liquor spills and disassembled it,

And I recall feeling defeated when I give into it, doing what I'm told and getting on my knees.

I taste your salty skin with no sense of euphoria, but faith deep in my bones,

I call the past to remind me not to fall for you.

I try, one last time, to stop your scent from being in my mind.

I crawl from my slumber in hell to a better life 

For no one ever concerned themselves with teaching me how to walk

I create personas from ashes and carve my birth with my own blood

I'm drowning myself in solace for that is what I've been taught.

I learned to breath with hands around my lungs because it would never get easier

I was told to hide, to be what I was only in the loneliness of my own heart

For no one would ever want me so inconveniently broken, not like this

I crawled from hell and threw myself right back down.

Miserly is long forgotten, I just fight through heaven now,

I learn to embrace my old habits like bad drugs destroying my lungs

So when you tell me to relax, to just look at you and smile like I want 

It is a fruitless persistence that will only render you defenseless in defeat.

So let me be a miserable creature, plagued by the past and scared by the future

Don't try to change my being for I will be what I am shamelessly 

And despite what you might think, I don't want you despising me

I just want you to be. Exist near me with no questions or retreat.

My scars from the past are not yours to bare or care for

They are mine by right, I wear them proudly, for no one has killed me yet

I survived hell, I've done it all, and I don't want you plagued by my life 

Sharp pain speeds through my back when your teeth sink in my shoulder,

Touching my clavicle and I find myself shaking, trying desperately not to brake

Too far away, but I feel you in my sorrowed marrow,

You keep pushing until I'm arched to the sky wishing I could call it quits.

Idealised concepts of god bless my heated skin and absolves me of my sins,

I keep trying to push my emotions away when your nails drag down my skin

I dig my hand in your scalp as you sit behind me biting down my neck

Licking my throat trying to drown me in nothing but you.

I keep playin' to win but you're only here to mess with my head,

Praying that you don't keep me so I don't lose again,

To my darkest fears, they creep behind you trying to get to me,

More comfort suffocating so far away from my lovely, lovely hurt.

Grounded to confusion, ration keeps me down to earth,

But you lift me near the sparkling stars I can almost taste your thoughts,

They're the sweet dirt that conceals me in your backyard,

Soiled concepts of growing flowers from my corps to keep you young.

Starved eyes in the palm of your hand, you feel my heart beating swiftly in my chest,

You break my bones and tear my religion right out of my head,

I'm a mess for attention, you're in dire need of distractions,

I wish for softer palms and you wish for designer lovers.

Vapid hubris brakes my skin, sinks its teeth deep in my neck,

When you look starved for my scent, I beg you won't crave to collect it,

I call it what it is, I tell I'm not worth being kept

You call my bluff and pull me back, so I won't hate you when I leave.

I remember, selfishly as no one, but you knows,

You called my name like a prayed, called my name like it was yours,

So acquainted with my upper hand, I keep it like an armour,

My blood red lips and messy eyes, they keep us in our harbour.

We'll never sail, we're meant to lose, we're days away from crashing,

I'll always quote your empty room along with the classics,

And for the sake of the game, the cycle and all your prayers,

I play to win, I find you again, posed at our kitchen table.

Survival was never an option, one of us shall die tonight,

Because, you and I, we'll always be what was never meant to last,

And I'll bury you in my flower garden, hope your tears are enough,

I can't lose for all my losses, you'll be dead when time comes to ask.

Sharp pains speed through my body, once upon a time,

I fight against my primal instincts that tell me to keep you alive,

But no end is ever so poetic, so I'll write my sorrows down,

The dark corners in my peripheral vision are judging me again,

For I ended up alone again, like old times, I screw it up,

I drive you away like a bad habit, judging from afar all people,

And I feel so far from human it hurts me confusingly.

I would like to wander why, maybe then I'd be fixed,

But I know exactly and that's the reason it hurts,

Drowning deep in my own thoughts like a mirror made of stone,

I bang my head in the sharp ages until my vision's blurred with blood.

It's obscene to think I could ever like you more than I love myself,

For every bad joke you make, there were thousands before that,

Many have tried through pain and suffering to relieve me of this curse,

But it's my comfort, my own blood, my lovely hurt.

I find solace in my own arm, I protect myself from you,

I wish I'd be the type to fall for all your soft words,

I knew it before I tried it, you're not good enough for me,

Forced circumstances can not make me weak.

I fall for bad tricks and games that break my heart, 

I try finding interest in something else than my own art,

I can't help but think it's real, the pride I carry like valued dimes,

The confidence I have in my own damn name is the only thing I can take to my grave.

Kiss me with your convoluted view of love, it's so shallow that it hurts,

I hear your whispers like a scream, I feel your caresses like a burn,

I wish you'd be a little different, but this time it's not my fault,

I can't fall for brighter skies when I know how humans are.

Estranged from Eva's tree of social conventions and pretty lies,

I start to morph into this unrecognizable creature that turns against people and brakes hearts.

I want to think I was not enough, when in fact I was too much,

Hating myself helps me act just like everyone.

Being less then, is okay, people pity you and love

The relatable character that suffers along,

But I'm not that, I cannot care for him enough

I'm just an artist like all others.

I wish I hated myself a little bit more, and he cut a little deeper,

But since you left I felt alone in my own damn mind,

It's lost at sea and it doesn't hurt enough,

I ignore your right intentions as if a godly hand placed itself over my eyes

I fall for wrongful tricks that swirl my head and break my heart

I hurt the ones I care about and play games with those I hate

As if love was just a shallow truth I couldn't escape.

I find comfort in your arm, like I do when I push my own head underwater 

I won't just close my eyes and hope that someone will see my lack of air and bother

Though try, as I might, to run, you leave gentle bruises on my oesophagus,

And I can't seem to make an effort not to like you.

You shouldn't drown in pools, they're controlled and give you much more cover

Drown at the relentless sea where the waves might slam and thunder.

 I drown in agony's river as I wait calmly for my favorite lover

When he looks frantically over his shoulder to see me in my blood-smeared slumber.

I feel like a fragile ceramic centerpiece, bound to be broken by someone,

All the looks from the visitors wishing they'd be the one,

Yet I remain unmoving and seemingly intact, 

Because ceramics are easy to break, but ciment is not.

And I remain oh so fragile, I spill every single drop, 

But inside there resides a suit of armor I begrudgingly hold up,

No love or spring rendezvous shall break it apart,

Yet I wish somehow, someone would tear my bones clean from my flesh and admire their art.

And my lover, my god, might just be the one to wake me up,

Right from from my grave, he picks and breaks me apart,

He looks so simply in my wide dead eyes,

Romantic notions plague my head like a plan well-done,

Invading my dreams and intoxicating my mind.

Stop, I beg, I'm seeing insanity in my peripheral vision,

The future awaits me, it grabs me, pulls me away from my habits.

To know our end before our start, to be drowned in thoughts,

And you don't even want me, not to play with and not to touch,

I surrender to your will, for one last time I look you in your eyes,

And in our final night I promised-- I hoped I'd never get to see you.

I drown in though-filled nights, in wishes to forget,

No alarm ever goes off when you are near, that's danger

No butterflies, or bitter taste swim in my stomach and suddenly I hate you,

I hate you for showing me hope.

I'm trustless for the people that only what what's best,

I fight the past like demons that were only meant to pass,

I love the way it feels to hurt, I was raised with hands around my lungs,

I'm faithless in my enemies, I survive for my pride.

For another thousand years I'll look through my glasses,

Their lenses are not rose, they're pitch black,

I imagine consequences I know will never come to pass,

Revelling in midnight adventures as I appreciate the delicate light falling on your face,

White whines escape my lips when the nectar touches my tongue,

I let it drip down my skin and tilt my head to the side,

Atop my head your hand rests and I swear it'd be the last time you get to touch me.

I appear in your nightmares as a demon wrapped in satin sheets and nothing else,

Biting down on everything I touch with delicate light fingers,

Steam of sin covers the windows, the obvious of being alone breeds potential,

I fight against all concepts to grow a spine untouched by your hands.

Relaying on calloused fingers to keep me upright and thinking about all it is you want,

Trying not to fall into the trap that is your salty clavicle and slow breaths,

Pulling me in from my middle, away from the world, into you,

Calling and calling restlessly against your tightened abdomen. 

I adore the unwanted glares you give me, with the bitter alligations, the public doesn't need to know

Falling deeper into sin, I'm already burning and it is entirely your fault,

I have no idea of where we'll end up or where we came from,

The only memory lingering in my brain is the faint idea of your room.

Venomous teeth attaching under my ear going right to my brain, 

Falling even further, going lower and lower, anticipating an end 

Lift me higher than the skies, I swear I see the starts flowing around my head,

Like unwanted lessons pouring my blood out-- your favourite nectar.

Just looking at you hurts, the way dishevelled hair frames you face,

I swear to all gods I don't believe in I've never seen anyone so contemptly undone,

My seams dissemble at your touch amd I start to enjoy the way ot hurts,

I fight with fighting words the swords piecing my stomach through my back

Couped by my own voices and trusted friend, but somehow never what I feared,

Logic glues me to my seat, and offers consolidatory pretenses for my absence,

Forcing me still, at all hours, willing everybody away.

I am what I chose only for it keeps me busy, too busy to crawl up my own walls,

I would that I could remain clueless to the world, 

Be without urges of soiling my white dress in blood

Unfortunately, for all involved, I am as erratic as the wind and as moveable as stone.

I fight against my baser instincts that tell me to let go,

I fight against my own creations that have learned what I am yet to know,

I fight fire with worst through becoming my own fears,

Ameliorating insanity with theatrical hedonism.

Playing part in whatever races I have no intention of winning, for pure thrill

I pick stones from the ground to sell as gems, just so I might be,

I navigate insanity with a whiff of euphoria, tasting citrus in my mouth

Nothing but prideful regret swinging in its midst flooding my throat.

I have stories plenty, to distract from my agony, 

I destroy my past, yet live inside the memories as a refuge, hoping to die with it,

Refusing to take solace in the fact that control is not needed,

The thought that I could rely on another will plague me and my grave.

For till the end, I shall always be what I am, shamelessly and confusingly,

A jack of all traits, and a mess of jumbled words no one shall discover,

In any other world or galaxy we might come to know, I will continue,

Chapped lips touch my broken veins, quenching their thirst with my blood,

Unmistakable dizziness overtakes me and suddenly he's not so bad.

I stare into broken mirrors wishing they'd repair themselves,

No clue or viable idea of how one could fix such creations.

I let cigarettes burn me, I conquer my own fears,

I long for simple touches and complicated ideas,

I find it hard to keep it cool when your words touch my neck,

And I can't seem to care about your convoluted pretenses.

I push you away and you keep coming back, you kill me in your nightmares,

I'm tied to the heavens while people keep throwing stones

I plague your dreams like invasive wildflowers you can't find it in you to cut,

And sometimes I wish I'd been more honest about my worsening intentions and bad blood.

Stars began to lower themselves, leave their vice dust behind,

You realize maybe when you've hit rock bottom even the sky starts to fall,

Worshiping fake idols and idealised despair, 

I fight against the tide that pulls me to the end.

I've fought agins the greatest, I have won and I have lost,

I bathe in the idea that maybe one day my soul might come back,

After centuries of drowning in self-made circles of red lipstick and wine

I realise, with sorrowed, chopped lips that what you conquer never dies.

Memories of other times seen in my own nightmares like the plague,

I've done way better drugs and even better deceptions,

For all my time will come to pass, I think about death too much,

By midnight I might end in smithereens 

I wanna get the party started, but it so hurts to blink

I wanna leave you breathless, my black dress is on the floor

When I just wanted to talk you stayed even more.

What can I do when you leave me so defenseless

I use my body as armour, my blood-red lipstick as a sword.

I don't know what to do when I'm not needed 

To kneel down on the floor.

Come midnight and I think you'll want my body on a platter

That you'd wanna see my blood-red lipstick smudged, dripping lust from my mouth

I wanted you to want me, I just didn't know you could

Think of me as more then just this facade I put on.

But you wanted me defenseless, naked in my soul

My clothes stayed on, but somehow it was more.

More? More dangerous. More scandalous. More fucked up then before.

I just wanted you to want me, I didn't think you'd want more.

You never touched my body, not the way you touched my soul

You wanted what you couldn't have, you want what wasn't yours

 My soul, my mind, my sense of self-destruction

You wanted to analyse me on your own silver platter.

Because you wanted me on demand,

Just not what was demanded

The cold sweat dripping down my spine, you rinsed out in warm water

Like the smoke pouring from my eyes when I drank your glass of liquor.

I wanted to get drenched in your essence,

Know your soul like the back of hand,

I wanted you to want me

I just don't think I can.

When you get used to being lonely

A solitary creature, whose soul no one knows

You figure that your body matters way more

So you run someone asks to see more.

I couldn't give you soul, I couldn't risk my reputation.

I signed a paper long ago, that defines my damnation

I traded secrets for kisses, I traded love for horror

So now I know that I'll never be more than the maid of honour.

So at the end you only knew me when the moonlight hit my face,

Only you knew how to keep me safe away from my own mirror.

As I stare with pity and dishonor at what I did during the day