lilith;

but i do not have reciprocal romantic feelings for him. I have been clear about this. i don't know if it has truly clicked in his brain. he has trouble taking other people's thoughts, feelings, and intentions into consideration, which is also part of the reason i don't have feelings for him.

i find it difficult to have romantic feelings for anybody. i have become really avoidant. i almost wonder at times if that part of me is dead. I've been hurt many times and had very bad experiences. I'm almost thirty now. i feel a cynicism settling in.

something happened last night though. i was working at the bar, already tired as it was my third day in a row working both jobs so i was overstimulated and hiding in the kitchen. my friend i met a few weeks ago comes in after work. i don't understand my feelings towards him or his towards me completely. the night before he stayed until my shift ended and the bar closed hanging out with me, walked me to my bike, and then we decided to go to another bar together that some mutual friends were at. hence, even more reason for my tiredness.

i was cook last nite so i was walking in and out of the kitchen bringing people their orders. i see him talking to a woman who also frequents the bar. she is someone i greatly admire. a few years older than me. a creative powerhouse. she fire dances and is the lead singer of a band.

my mind floods with other experiences ive had. i remember going out with a guy and him chatting up other girls in front of me. or finding out someone i was seeing was bffs with their ex (yeah they were still hooking up, turns out). and so many other times of there always being someone else. someone better. and i knew it was irrational and as the feelings welled up inside me, i reminded myself it would be ok no matter what. if it happens again, it just means it's not the right person. but geez i wish it wouldn't happen again. so i cried out of sight next to the sinks and felt my heart ringing again for the first time in a couple of years with a startling clarity.