I want it to mean something

Ive got nothing left to say, to do, to feel.

Does it really have to take loosing someone to figure your shit out?! I miss my family and friends I pushed away. I didn't realise how low I was. How sad and alone. How ashamed of myself. I have no photos, only memories. I hope you aren't disappointed in me. I hope you knew I cared and was proud.

Why do I feel so alone. The only person I want to talk to is hundreds of miles away and couldn't care less about me.

I came back here, and I don't know why. I miss you. I'm a little lost and you were the only one I could ever express my feelings too. It's sad because I'm forever being let down by you, but you are the only one. It hurts knowing I'm nothing to you and you can pick me up and throw me away when you like. I'm trying to change that. I sound stupid I know, and I'm glad you'll never see this because after all these years I don't know how I still feel like this.