“Can I have this, please?” he asks, standing in my doorway and holding out his phone.
“Yeah, um, I think it’s for big boys though.”
“Are you sure? It looks like it has little trains on it.”
“I know, but it says Men’s, look.” He points at the screen. “Can I have it?”
“Can you help me clean up around the house today? We can order it tonight when you’re all done.”
He’s having a new phase where he keeps talking about wanting more big clothes in his wardrobe. No more onesies, or at least no more new onesies. I’m kind of worried someone has been teasing him.
“Okay, we can order it later today.” I set down his plate of pancakes. He comes over and sits down at the table, kind of making a face when he settles into his chair.
“You don’t have a messy pull-up, do you?”
“Okay, just checking. You sat down kind of weird and you haven’t been making it every time lately, have you?”
“No, I’ve been doing pretty good…”
I pull my phone out of my pocket and set it in the table, opening the calendar app. “Let’s see…you had a messy accident three days last week…and the week before you had two in one day…Last month you only had a couple, and only one in your training pants. But you haven’t gotten to wear training pants at all this week, have you?”
“No, um, I guess I didn’t…” He looks down at his food.
“It’s okay! Don’t get discouraged. If you keep your pull-up clean today maybe we can try tomorrow.”
I go back to eating. When I look up again, he looks worried, picking at his lip.
“Eat your food, baby.” I reach out and cut off a piece of his pancake with the side of my fork.
“I don’t need you to feed me…I’m too big for that.”
“Buddy. What’s up with all of this ‘big’ stuff lately?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t want to be a baby anymore. It’s embarrassing.”
I decide I’m not going to dance around it. “Did something happen at Davie’s sleepover?”
He hesitates, stirring the berries on his plate through the puddle of maple syrup.
“Nobody was making fun of you, right? I can talk to Davie’s mommy if…”
“Umm…I had an accident in my pull-up. At Davie’s house.”
“I went poop when Davie’s mom was reading us a story. I didn’t really mean to but I felt really sleepy and I didn’t think about it and just started pushing…” He wipes his eye with the palm of his hand.
“You pooped in your pull-up?”
“Umm…yeah. And Davie’s mom had to help me change. I thought I could do it by myself if I walked to the bathroom really fast and nobody would notice. But I was taking a really long time because, um, I started crying and I didn’t want anybody to see.”
“Aww, buddy. How come you were crying?”
“Because I missed you and I wanted you to help me but you weren’t there. So Davie’s mom came to the bathroom and she had to change me lying down. And she had me wear one of David’s diapers.”
“Ohh. But you weren’t wearing a diaper when I picked you up.”
“No, because it was really wet when we woke up and I had to get changed again. And everybody saw how saggy my pants were and Davie was saying how I was a baby…”
“Baby, think about that. You had to borrow one of Davie’s diapers. That means he still needs to wear them too sometimes. I don’t think you need to take it seriously if he calls you a baby.”
He wipes his eyes again, digging his palms into them.
“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s okay if it still made you really upset. Aww, buddy.” I stand up and walk over to his side of the table. He reaches out and hugs my middle, pressing his face into my shirt.
“My pull-up isn’t clean,” he says. “I didn’t mess it but it’s really super wet. I went pee when I was playing.”
“Okay, let’s go change that. Stand up. Oh, I should have put a pad under you.” His pants are all wet in the crotch.
“I’m sorry! I thought I just needed to leak a little bit but I didn’t know I was going to pee all the way!”
“Where are you supposed to go if you need to leak? Even a little?” I put one hand on his back and help him walk to the bedroom.
“In the toilet,” he says, wiping his nose on his sleeve.
“Don’t do that; it’s gross. We’ll get some tissues in the bedroom.”
He presses balled-up tissues into his eyes while I undo his fly and pull his pants down. The pull-up is soaked and sagging.
“You’re not a baby. It’s okay.”
“But I have to wear pull-ups or diapers and I always wet the bed and I…”
“That happens to lots of grown-ups. Let me wipe you down. There. All set. We can get another pull-up on you.”
“Don’t bother,” he sobs. “Obviously I can’t do it. I keep making them messy and…”
“Shhh, shh. If you just need a diaper for today we can do that. Will that make you feel safer?”
He nods, sniffing, and I gently pull him down onto the floor. “Let’s get your changing mat.”
He lies back once I have it under him and he obediently lifts up his hips to help me get the diaper under him.
“You all good? Tapes feel good?”
He nods. “Let’s go finish eating and then we can have nap time. Okay?”
He holds my hand as we leave the room.
When we’re done eating we get into bed. The warm sun from the window is falling across our faces. I spoon him and he takes out his phone again, looking at the PJs again.
“What’s that other tab you have open?”
He switches to it and I see an adult pacifier.
“How come it’s open on your phone, then?”
“It just showed up on its own? The tab opened and Google searched for that all by itself?”
“No, um, I guess I kinda wanted it.”
“Were you looking at anything else?”
“There’s another PJ set on that site but it’s a lot more…um…” He pulls it up. These ones have shorts and they’re patterned with animals. “I think it’s a lot more for babies.”
“That one’s a little bit cheaper. If we get that and the pacifier it’s around the same price as the train PJs. What do you think?”
“Which one do you want more?”
He hesitates and I give him a squeeze.
“I want the animals one more,” he says quietly.
“Okay, you can have that one. You’ve been super good lately.”
“Even though I keep getting messy?”
“Even though you keep getting messy.”
“Would you be mad if um…if I got messy during nap time?”
“No, buddy. You have a diaper on. That’s an acceptable time to go poop. We don’t need to take the diaper off and try to retape it.”
“And I can still have training pants tomorrow?”
“I didn’t say that. If you go in your diaper, you’re getting another diaper tomorrow. That’s your choice.”
“Oh, okay.” He closes the browser on his phone and sets it down on the table before he cuddles in closer.
He finds my hand under the covers and squeezes it. “I really want to go in my pants. But you’re going to tell Davie I’m not a baby, right?”
“I’m going to tell him it’s not nice to make fun of you.”
“I know that’s not the answer you’re looking for. But I know you kind of like it when I call you a baby.”
“I’m gonna just go,” he says. I feel his back arch a little bit and then he makes a little grunting sound.
“You are so cute,” I say, smoothing his hair. “Close your eyes. I know you’re getting sleepy.” He’s definitely getting used to going when he’s tired in bed. That might be why he had the accident at Davie’s. But I know he really likes going during nap time when I’m holding him. He was half asleep in the car when he had the training pants accident.
I can feel the back of his diaper growing. He whines. “You’re good, bud. You’re almost done. Just relax, okay? I’m going to make sure everything turns out alright.”
He nods and I kiss his head. “It’s okay that you need to be a baby sometimes.”
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