lostmyhead

the closer he gets the tighter she can imagine his fingers winding around her throat ––– pushing her up against the wall and threatening her to repeat every word she’s breathed with a straight face. every step forward on his part is a hesitant step backward on hers. “ you’re certainly not nice, ” honey’s voice swims in lighthearted humor but her face doesn’t crack from its solemnity. she swallows thick and lesser petal falls ajar to speak again but her voice box fails her ; with so much to say and so little use for it. there’s nothing she’s thinking that if said, will ease the tension thick in the air of the room. she wants nothing more than to fluff his ego and shower him in compliments if it’ll help her be able to breathe in his presence again.

no one really deserves this, honey thinks. no one’s ever deserved being left behind because they’re not enough for another. the entire predicament makes her feel selfish ; always has and it’s just that –– her soft heart that makes it so much more difficult for her to turn on her toes, pack her bags and leave. “ i –– ” in alarm, her eyes finally greet his. they make it a point to stay there for as long as she breathes the next sentence. “ of course i love you. ” brows are furrowed and head is tilting over in sincerity ; sympathy has little feet step toward him with heed and a hand fiddles with the hem of her t-shirt. “ i did and i do. i’ve meant it every time i said it –– that’s not at all … that’s not what this is about. ”

honey’s eyes are glossy as she looks to the hardwood floors for any emotional support that they can offer. his every word is like a twist to the knife fixed in her gut and she’s got half the mind to dismiss it all ; bury herself in his chest and chalk this all up to just being tired. but she can’t let herself –– not tonight. not with as far as deep as she is into it now. her fingers are curled up into her palms as tight fists and she’s trying as best she can every other minute to swallow the lump lodged in her larynx. she parts her lips to speak a few times but it feels like the bravery that carried her up until this point has all but disintegrated into dust –– piling up to her ankles and making it hard to do anything but just stand there. 

“ common courtesy isn’t only prevalent in f-fairytales –– ” she tilts her head, lips falling to a frown at the sudden stutter of the word. he’s always been especially good at getting it out of her, regardless of how arduously she’s worked at ridding her speech of it entirely over the last few years ( with much success. ) maple irises shut and honey takes a deep breath to collect herself before she’s got the courage to go on. “ i’m … sincerely coming to you about how unhappy i am in this relationship and you’re being so cruel. how can you call that love. ” soft intonation rasps, a laugh almost breaking through the single tear that trickles down her face at how preposterous it all is. she doesn’t mean to hurt him — hurting someone is the last thing honey ever wants to have come out of anything, really, and sebastian won’t ever be an exception to that. but in her years and through all the experiences she’s had in love, she knows better at this point than to think anyone involved walks away completely unscathed. and whilst the dull ache of having to walk away from him and leaving him behind won’t ever fully go away ; she knows better than to blame herself for another’s pain in instances where she’s done her very best to make things okay. and she always does. “ don’t want … this anymore. i’m leaving you. ” okay? wet eyes practically plead into his.

“ cruel! ” he relays, throwing his hands up in surrender. “ now i’m cruel, is that it? ” his eyes narrow subtly as he takes a couple of steps toward her. he’s having a hard time believing any of this is real, thinking maybe if he gets close enough to make her feel threatened she’ll say nevermind and they can carry on with their night. it’s completely selfish and an act of sheer manipulation but those are all he’s come to know. he’s starting to feel sick and the paleness of his face shows as much. for as long as they’ve been together he’s preyed on her passive nature and since he walked through the door tonight that one facet of her personality seemed to be entirely amiss. it’s like he doesn’t even know her anymore. “ this is who i am. this is who i’ve always been. ”

she knows better than to give him what he’s fishing for –– a lapse of her judgement and a complete crumble of her self esteem. he always has seemed to thrive off of her usual lack of being able to know what’s good for her ; her need for his constant approval of her. a need that’s been exaggerated over the last couple years to keep him feeling like he’s more important to her than he is. to let him keep having the illusion of control over her that he absolutely requires in order for them to function. so much of what they’ve had is a mirage ; it’s a wonder to honey how anyone can stand to go keep up any relationship that just doesn’t feel real. she visibly flinches at the last inquiry but it’s the shock she needs to halt in her steps and finally come face to face with him. 

he’s hurt, but that’s not a breath of truth he’ll have enough bravery to lend her and she for once has to honor herself enough to not cave in and validate this mechanism he has of making everyone else feel just as terrible as he does. “ i plan to find someone that loves me a lot, ” head tilts up some to paint the picture of a confident girl, even if with every passing moment she’s beginning to feel like anything but. “ or at least enough to listen to me. and look at me ––– bloody look at me when i’m talking to them. look at me when they’re fucking me. ” last three syllables leave her lips quieter ; sadder than all the rest. “ at least. ” she reiterates, turning her head the immediate moment her eyes begin to sting with tears.

“ & what? you think i don’t fucking love you? you think i don’t fucking love you?” his voice is raising with every word & his eyes don’t move from her. hasn’t she been paying attention at all? even though it’s always come to this in every single relationship he’s had, it never fails to shock him how little people take into consideration how much he does for them even when he hasn’t got the energy to so much as be in the same room as them. he shakes his head as she speaks, chuckling into the air incredulously. “ life isn’t always gonna be all this fairytale shit, honey. ” he murmurs over her as she speaks, completely disregarding her argument. she’s making several points –– hell, he’s not even really listening now. but he won’t ever admit as much to himself, much less to the girl across from him. 

@liketheseas​ “ what i’m saying is … ” honey’s pacing. only taking two steps in any given direction before turning on her toes to face the opposite. thick hair is tied up into a ponytail and she can’t decide if it’s that or the fact that she’s finally having to have this conversation that’s giving way to the headache starting to pound in her brain. “ i want to live somewhere warm. i want a nice little plot of land, maybe. a few kids to run out to the garden and pick fresh fruit with. i want … a family. a happy family. i want to be with someone who pays attention to me more than just when they need something ––– ” she’s talking fast ; almost stumbling over every other word in her haste to get everything out before she becomes too cowardly to say anything for the next two years again. 

her eyes are prickling with tears and her hands are settled on her tummy in any meek attempt to settle the nausea bubbling at the pit. she’s looking anywhere but toward him because it’s hard enough to be so brutally honest without having to look anyone in the eye. “ i really doubt you can give me that. ”

this is the last thing he would’ve expected to come from him showing up a little late to dinner this evening. the declaration is all too sudden and made little to no sense to him, the narcissistic wiring of his brain is having a hard time piecing her words together. his first instinct is to force a laugh, an irritated smile breaks across his features & falls as quickly as he realizes she's entirely serious. “ what? ” he's not oblivious to the fact that she's never been his first priority, not even his second or third, but he thought she was content with that. he trusted her when she said she was happy with the way things were between them, when he shouldn't have. soon enough, his features have deadpanned & a cold attitude comes over his entire demeanor. “ ... you want all those things and what? you expect to get them on a librarians salary? ” the first thing he knows to do is to put her down lest he be the one to look like he's taking a loss. it's a curse how much he does wish this were a dream & continues to hope that she's just making a bad joke. she has become a huge chunk of his life & the owner of all his admiration, no matter how bad he's been at displaying that fact.

she welcomed his embrace out of sheer instinct ; her frame leaned into his and fingers rose to course through his hair in their habitual and very rehearsed fashion. “ ‘course, ” smile would never meet her tired eyes –– it would only dust over her features for a moment in passing and leave just as quickly as it came, but he’d never notice. she’d very early on decided she didn’t like that about him. as much as she loved flying under the radar and not being the object of anyone’s attention long enough for them to identify her flaws ; a little acknowledgement, ( appreciation, even ) was always nice. and perhaps she didn’t deserve it, but it wouldn’t ever stop her from craving it. she inched down and pressed a little kiss to the crown of his head in that way she would, humming a little note into it.