If the Apocalypse comes, beep me.

This is too hard and I’m too sad. I just want to be in your arms

Thursday is meant to be our 2 year anniversary. Back in summer I thought I would be taking you around Amsterdam. I’d already looked at the cost of flights and hotels and planned to book the time of work. Now I’m forcing myself to have space when all I want is to talk to you, and wondering what the hell went wrong. 2 years ago on our one year anniversary you called me up 10 times throughout the day to tell me happy anniversary. It was so so cute. At the weekend we went to the zoo, our zoo, and I made burritos because they were your favourite food. I honestly don’t know what wrong. Was it my fault? Am I just to damaged, did I love too much, Did I suffocate you into pulling away. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s no ones fault, that we tried our best, we tried so so hard, maybe we’re just not ready and maybe it’s just not meant to be, and that brings me peace for a moment. But then memories bubble up unbidden and all I want is to cry in your arms. None of this makes sense, and I keep asking myself what went wrong, I keep trying to pin point the exact moment this all went down hill, but honestly things have been rocky from the start. We rushed into this, hoping love would be enough, and now I just find myself wishing that it was.

I need to learn to pull my own self up off the floor and it’s honestly going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

How are you supposed to get through breaking up with your best friend? All I want to do is call my best friend and tell her how heart broken I am and how hard these next few days are and lean on someone who can text me and send me memes to cheer me up, but that person is you, and as much as I still love talking to you, I also keep getting my heart broken. I guess I’ll just write you stupid long letters on tumblr like it’s my diary that you probably won’t read and wonder what I’m doing next

You will get through this heart break, you will just paint and paint, and take one day at a time and go home and paint some more, until one day you wake up and realise your broken heart has healed

I really don’t know what to do at this point, I don’t know if I want space or I want to be closer to you. It feels like all the boundaries are on your side and I know that’s because I don’t set any at all and there has to be boundaries somewhere but I feel like I’m going crazy and that’s exactly what I wanted to avoid.

I keep embarssing myself and I really need to stop