I'm not living in the present

I'm living for the future

Just letting time pass by me

While waiting for life to happen

Next month

Next year

In ten years

What I want to do sometime

But never what I want to do now

It's bad

I know

I'm not fucking over you

You're constantly on my mind

I'm not sad not angry

It's just you're always fucking there

Every day

I want to stop

The things is

I know you’ll never read this

You’ll never know how much you hurt me

I never told you 

Never told anyone 

You will never see this but;

You were my first love

My best friend

My happy ever after¨

Until the curtains closed

What we were 

What we could have been 

Sometimes I just feel so alone 

I tell myself that I have people all around me 

But if I died

Who would go to the funeral?

Who would visit my grave

I can count those people on one hand 

And i wish one of them would still be you

Would I visit you? 

If you were buried in the earth 

Would i bring flowers 

Cry the tears long held back

I thought we would last forever 

Even when you moved I was sure it wouldn't be forever good-bye 

But I was naive

You weren’t the first 

The first to leave

I never learned

Do you ever feel like everything is going again you?

Like no matter what you try it never goes as planed?

I’m by no means ungrateful for what I have

For the people around me

For the things I have done

But when you have been working towards something

Been so excited for something to finaly happen

But then it can’t happen

I don’t know

I just wish things were easier

That things went after the plan

Is it even worth planning anything if it never happens that way?

I have everything I need, but it sill feels like there is something missing. I have new friends, but I’m living in the past, remembering old times when I felt so happy. The times with you. Time I’ll never get back. But I can’t keep doing this, it’s ruining me. The memories of you haunts my happy and sad days. I feel guilty for missing you. I feel guilty for thinking my friends aren’t enough, but mostly I feel guilty for doing this to my self. 

I have to move on 

I have to stop thinking of you