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I know I don’t really post here anymore. I still struggle with disordered eating and it got increasingly worse the last two years. Honestly, it was the binging that made my weight skyrocket. This year I’m trying to do better, stop hermiting myself indoors and to actually get active, it’s been progressing pretty well I’d say, I forgot to check my weight yesterday so I’ll do it after I wake up. I met someone and we hit it off, long distance of course because since moving I haven’t met a single person in my area to even be friends with lol. It seems to be going pretty well, and the timing is so funny to me. The weathers been getting better and my seasonal depression is finally fucking off. I’ve been more consistent and making more conscious decisions with my food. Though I can’t tell if I’m manic or it’s just the NRE feelings flooding my brain, but I’ve been so happy and excited that the last like… weekish now I’ve been eating less. Is this what it feels like to be more emotionally regulated? Sure I was depressed as shit but I was at least cognizant and aware of my emotions and I’ve been working on processing them in better ways. Semi started journaling again which I did before popping ol reliable open bc I figured maybe someone here can relate. Anyways.. I’m not sure if it might also be a subconscious thing because I’m super insecure about myself and my body. After the horrid experiences of my last relationship and being taken advantage of, I’ve been on guard for so long, that the new person in my life feels like they literally crashed into my castle walls like a drunk driver in a lifted truck. It’s so weird being 24 now and having things finally click, like most of my ED behaviors stem not only from genetics (Ana mom that openly talks about her struggles + my autism) but also for a need to feel in control of something (namely my emotions). Usually relationships have me stressed the fuck out, BPD makes it tough, but I find that my symptoms are slowly phasing out. I think I’m finally healing. I still wish I had a therapist, but for now I’ll stick to my own version of self therapy. Idk, I wasn’t even really expecting a relationship at all this year, let alone one so early in but new year new beginnings I guess haha.

I mean this is just more motivation I needed ig bc I’ve been putting off starting a 75 soft/medium/hard challenge. I think I’m gonna go thru them in increasing difficulty. Idk I feel like since nothing in my life has gone how I want it to, this is the only thing I have left that’s purely in my control anymore lol. Everything sucks

Also yeah it’s time to go back into the trenches because guess who recently learned they GAINED 20 FUCKING POINDS SINCE THE LAST TIME THEY WEIGHED THEMSELVES!!! 🥲

Anyways happy nye everyone 🫶🫶 hopefully ‘23 treats us all nicely!!