Light Back to Myself

Someday there will be a calm hand

When the lips that come to my ear

bring only smiles with no cocky exemplatives

that I ignored before

I will feel welcomed

and there will be no bubbling,

Timid tension in me

I will look

he will come,

and come to me willingly

freely

His body will want mine

for the knowledge behind the eyes

And the porous nature of my heart

Soaking everything in

All of my insanity is how I swim

Hand holding won’t feel like a burden

Or a strange, granite gesture

The dirty words, the bile

My provocative nature felt inauthentic

Why did I let the things go that I

or my presence, essence of who I am,

would never conceive?

I don’t regret

I’m trying not to resent

I can’t keep things pent up in a cerebral dialogue

that can never be expressed for fear of

seeming typical or mournful

Did he play me?

Did he know how to read me too easily

I wear my eyes on my sleeve

My heart is inside

but there is an ever-opening portal

that humanity has always known fully

I love fast

I let go slow

I hold on because I care

Or fear?

Superpower. Superpower.

Superpower. Superpower.

Superpower. Superpower.

I don’t regret the act

I don’t regret the touch

I don’t resent the beginning

But don’t play a fantastical game Don’t play

I am young

but I’m not young in my heart

Something ancient and ancestral lays there

Some energy not dissipated from this world

for centuries

I will grow from this

Lilacs

Birch trees

Rabbits

If we are to see each other soon

or far away

What will you say?

Would you approach me?

Where will we be?

I’m not “in love,”

attached

but I will remember the empty apartment dances

and coffee cup advances

The shit grin and soft skin

The night overlooking my savior city

my bravery climbing that ladder

The elevator face holding

A pre-ordered vodka cranberry

I don’t regret

I reminisce the good times

Why not?

When the bad ended

The anxiety and twitching

abdominal instrument

I can own the good images

because I drowned away the remarks

I can own those happinesses

Because they are mine

I gave them

My first

Pressure behind the eyes

Tears, sleep, time

yellowed and reddened

glass framed

covered in emotional film

They could come out

Like two moles seeking the mallet

And the hits life and time

Fluorescent hell plagues the pipes

Veins leading to the cerebral epicenter

Mind hurts, eyebrows squished

Unruly or smooth

In sleep brushed in every direction

Brushed smooth when cleaning up

Bathroom pedestal, washroom podium

No mo(u)rning suds can cleanse the push

Pounding against the mirror

The tears intruding, now bombarding

Push, push, pressure, pressure, pull

Cascade. Tumble. Drip. Fall.

That breeze-brazen beauty

Whipping grains, store needles

Soaking, sunken, young soft skin that will stretch

And move to hold the compilation of sweet words,

Contentment, and belonging

Hold my hand

Cup min or wind my fingers with your

Strong piano/ guitar/mechanical hands

Even there

I can feel the energy

I can see the outline of your face or hair or see

Your hand on me, in me, through me

Looking to my side while pulling from the Sun

Hoping, longing for the stable

Leaf-turning up feelings

You’ll look at me and I’ll know the thoughts

Behind that smirk

And yet, I’ll never completely know your mind

But your heart is a direct line

To the cerebral compilation

Of kisses and non-crudeness

I can’t see your eye color

But I know they’re bright

And clean

Sate by a beer or two

Not smoke

Sand

Sweetness

Seduction

Run your finger down my side

And role over to show me your side

How you feel

Who you are

What you know

Who and what and where you come from

And have been

And are going

Or want to go

With me

All with me

All in a held hand

In a non-plagued smoky eye

Knowing that my crazed moments

Are known to you and you understand

My eccentric, Potty mouth language

Black bikini

Curling hair

Hands

Smiles

Why you wear sunglasses

Perhaps that’s why I can’t see your eyes

But I feel the aura of your smile

It churns me

Rich, full, and vibrant

Bring me out of myself

Let me come into you

The tightness of the jaw

Wondering if moving through space

Is as if glycerin is holding you back

To push energy out

Feeling that ratting in your core

Chakra

Stomach

Pushing out the negative

Or spreading one’s aura

Sending the bolts out

For the world to feel and see

Soaking it back in when it gets dark

Feeling like you can’t stay in the onyx room

Because there is something greater working for you to live

Not a person (can we believe in most of them)

But pushing through

Crying

Shrieking

Wallows that hurt like consequential knives

Move on.

Fly but still take time to feel the dark

And the light

Lukewarm and scalding hot

I walked past where you were

And could not see me

Would not see me.

Some bullshit distance

Premeditated excuses

Brown and red brick

That matched my fury

And the inflamed veins of my eyes

The wind was blowing me cold

And my hand hovered and mingled

With our city-swift wind

Remembering the weight

Of your hesitant limb

But your soft, masculine hands I will never imagine

The bears, the brain, the bravado

That amazed me

The hums. Humming. Mmmmmmm

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

That sweet, satisfactory sigh

Sweet. Sweet. Sweet.

Toes curl and crack

Heals bruise and scrape

Ankles bump and collide

Shin aches and splints

Hamstrings pulled taut

Sting as if needle prickled

Knees land and don’t shatter

But they might as well

Thighs strong and bared apart

To take that challenging energy

Hips, tight, tense, sway

Like a lion in her realm

Pelvis, chakra, push down

Energy plane

Belly button, navel center

Stomach to sternum for breath

To push and come in, no shame

Ribs, intercostals, hand hold

Anatomical structure

With the irrevocable lungs

Sternum, strong, centers

Laddered

Breasts, wholesome burden

Arms, stretching forever

Holding so fucking tight

Collarbone, proud proof

A template fair

Shoulders, the frame of the self

Broad or slim

Neck, the cerebral podium

Neurological trophy stem

Jaw, set or loose sets tone

Ears, oval-shaped opal treasures

Nose, freckled from youth

Exploring

You move at a slower pace

Even though you’re feeding forward

Pleasant day, upon this rock

Like my leo has lost in recent time

Clean, soft, shaved

New shirt, New comfort with the quiet

Not lonely, Just by myself

Coffee with the cascading steam

Pink tile and open eyes

Happy naked body

Sick to the stomach ache

I wonder if you can relate

Do you miss me

Are you playing me

or do you really carry that part of me with you

Telling my heart and brain

what it wants to hear

Chemicals colliding to create

claustrophobia in my subconscious

It’s been so active, so present

Please stop plaguing my dreams

That’s my time

My moments to rest

My day jumps from one stone of you

in the stream, ocean, river

To the next

It’s horrifying

The doubt I now have

I trusted you so easily

But you manipulated me

That much I see

Telling me this was it

That you couldn’t help me with that

I don’t want you

But I miss you

Your touch mostly

How can everything else be fucked up

I didn’t like you wants

 actions

 thoughts

 lack

But the brains remembers

The good times, the happiness

the newness, the touch,

pulling your jaw

But you can chase me

You plagued me, my thoughts

my body (which still craves you)

Let him think he can pull me back

Like a bird fed during the winter

Let him think there’s some chance

to entice me out of my pants

It clouds my heart too much

For a person who breathes through hers

And sees all through hers

God, it hurts

I don’t want it to anymore

I made correct choices

My head listening to my heart’s voice

Stop. Leave me for a while voices

I don’t think he wants me for my reasons

That’s not right

Supermarket handholds

Late night television dinners

The ghost hand in mine

I always imagined

Feeling welcome to stay forever

or at least until morning

Sleeping soundly

Venturing to new places

and seeing my loved faces

and his loved faces

My home

My house

My neighborhood

Fuck yours

All of the time spent between the lines

And your textual sighs

Let the reefer consume you

You instead of me

I would have taken all of you

Your darkness, your past

Your sweet thin leashed walks

I would have taken it

But you paid for cabs home

instead of sweet holdings

Smoked to your high fucking chimney

Instead of living wholy/holy with me

No fuck make me feel

Cheap, needy, neglected

Because you’re not the only one, honey

You aren’t the only sharing man

I will have my time

You were just the first

Knowing curve

The original mile

I’ve got millions let

I’ve got strong legs

Tightness

Fever

Rare 20 year courage

My old soul knows

My touch, sweet touch

You should back up

Spurned my curious lips

You didn’t need that

Didn’t do the same for you as me

News, fuck, those kisses were mine

I liked giving them

They brought my feminine spirit to high priestess status

Blow them off

Won’t blow you again

I’m gonna flow in my leo wind

Breeze

Fire

Have your scorpio water

I’ll find my river

Lake

Ocean

These cracked Chicago heels

More pinky toes

Patched/chapped mouth corners

The callused webbed hands

Webbing harboring secret wants

Feels

Cares

Loves

The simplicity of my toes touching someone’s

The imaginary future we

Create when we look at the frosted

Billowed-clouded

Heartbreaking

Brainwashing

Whole and broken cityscape

My dreams live in those

Glass tic-tac views

My childhood sweated toe marks

Live on that sidewalk

With the remorseful horses

And artistic blood and fliers long gone

My spritzed wholeness/holiness

Wafts through those high-class streets

If I could hold her hand

Whisper in her cubic zirconia

Bronzing

Silver hooped earring ears

I would filter in the growth

Of a child into a woman

Though she will never lose her child wonder

While staring at that gaseous, crystallized line of greed

Scarlet heart youthed

Misty eyed innocence

You will love many people

Many streets move

Many marks that leave scars

Both beautiful and lurking onyx dark

Walking alone or in hand

You will love so hard

It will free and consume you

Cotton knitted

Bonfire

Polished cracked toenail soul

Like everything

Feel everything

Know you will shift

Let them have the weight

I can’t say I hate them, however

I compile lists over and over again

In my cerebral catalogue

This moment

That moment

That look

Touch

Joke

Fueling

Warm, sparked, wholesome

But the dark, lethargic concrete wall

Blocks my believing

I fear their wants are superficial

They want my hair

My kiss

Body

Look to compliment their grabbing

Tortuous arms

This blocks me, my love

The first and foremost trinket I want to give

Those who say love is thrown around

As frequently as a condom wrapper

As trivially exposed as a breast

Or a plate of cake

My love is omnipresent

My fat heart giving

Sending envelopes always

The weight when it ends

It take it all

As many lists of nasty words

Pushed exits

Cocky chuckles

Regarding my free flowing life

I still take all of the weight

Shame

Want to fix

Need to fix

My mother taught me stronger

From a mother who loved her lesser

He won’t share the weight with me

So I must shave

Pluck

Smear

Pull it all off myself

Until the day it doesn’t plague my mind

Every hour

Self sabotage is my business

Yet happiness is my currency

Love

Weight

Concrete

Wall

Mother

Daughter

Bastard

Lover

Fix

Want

Love

Time, time, time, oh sweet time

The calm, the knowledge

No one needs to move

You can breathe

You can live

The dark, murky grey

The suffocating darkness

It lurks, shifts at my feet

It wants to soak into my nails

My splints

My skin

The cracks of my physical form

Soaks into my mind

It sticks like tape to paper

The solar lune frees me from this

The love of my other souls

My arterial mates

That hold my grief

And soothe my wounds

Created by burning mistakes and freezing spite

It sifts out with sweet laughs and unbalanced, chubby padded soles

On the grim-lined floor

The feathered leaps of a tall eared love

The clinking of endless wine glasses with toasts

To our signs and happiness

The happiness that winds through the day

Waning and waxing

My head is happy

Adorned with a less humidity-encompassed baby bun

My midriff is bare

Free to feel the air

Of my green Logan city at this current moment

Stained shoes and petoskey to spark my crown

My chakras are singing

My stomach non-nauseous

The energy around this day

This morning

It’s skies the clearest in many non-summer days

Now the solstice has risen

And we can sit and drink

Our coffee/tea/fat

On patios

With rustling papers as our soundtrack

The smell of freshly cut grass

The man plowing through

The urban, middle meadow

The fullness of life today

The contentment

The prospects

With the yellowed sky

And humid casing

My darkness has risen from me

My heart, mind, legs

Parts are healing themselves

A fullness of a different kind

Where my core is strong

Not anxiety shaken

Where my body is healthy

From love and not a physical needing

Fullness in my moments

Of single self

And loneliness

I am loved by so many

I love so many

I have risen from my ashes of tarnished heart

And rock skipping decisions

This is my world, too

Letting go

Breathing

The clean

The cleanly fragrance

That strong scent

Propels me to strut

In my city-stained

City cut

City chopped

City soaked heels

My hips swaying to the clicking of the street

Fucked platforms

Platforms that stand and have stood

On endless wooden planks

Of electrical humanity

My today sun soaked skin hums, too

With a clear understanding of my braless freedom

My eccentric locks

My plum-glossed exemplative spout

My matured form doused in silver

Both plated and tiffany

I feel freed by this moment

And there will be times

Future time

I’ll feel caged by guilt

Nostalgia

Want

Desire

Need for something

Someone I no longer need

And who didn’t want me in that way

I adore him and was adored by him

The veneer that he semi-permanently

Pressed over his eyes

Those crystalline green-brown specs

Orbs

Eyes

Lenses

Ended messy

Immature

Rash young woman moment

I control

Need to make

Let my heart omit contagions

Piece by holy piece

I resurface as a titanium me

Graphite self

Onyx stone that hold my birthright

Hold my spirit

To shift

Shape back

To my content

Pushing

Brave bitch status

Fat heart

Brave heart

Human heart

Light aura

The figment of this bizarre world

My brain, body

Had molded into this strange

Red car ally road

Where I could feel you beard

And hear your words

Forgiving me for something

That is just as equally your fault

But I felt release and hope

I wish I could cut out the triggers

I know the memories will fade

Into an arbitrary casual thought

Where I hope and send my kindness and hopefulness

That your old soul

Much but differed from mine

Control

Talk

Want

Push

I push

I give

I want

I can’t take the kindness

The engraved chivalry

I take what I can get

And run to the moon and back

To solve grievances

And sorrows

There is little heart in my words today

The fatigue

The fatigue

Dropped it

The notion that I need someone

Will come

Hope and Want are rival sisters

Hope is eternal

Want can be sinful

Honest but cold

Hope versus Want

Hope with Want

Hope instead of Want

Hope to the grave

Hope with some persons

Realistic

Strict outlook

Hope with a lyric

Hope with a fellow

Hopeful?

Could that work?

Until then

Until him

Soak

Soaking

Don’t let it soak into your brain

The pigments are sustained now

The spots can start representations

Of right chances made with the guilt

That led to the catalyst

I was not wrong

The soaking of my cerebral object directly

Tunnels to my artificial compass

Spinning, not pumping

In a constant state of mending

Coating

Coaxing out love and stories

I have the ideas

They have the tales

My heart’s tail keeps being stepped on

With these sagas

And wondering what mine will be

How my heart is wrapped in transparent cellophane

Kitchen plastic wrap

Parchment paper

Aluminum foil on more harsh days

Hodge podge to glisten

And case simultaneous

Towels

To soak up the residual explosion

Of the brain’s and the eyes’ treacherous journeys

The discoveries made

Constantly revisited

Reassessed

Re-consumed

I don’t want to return

To those dark houses

Dark rooms

Dark moments

Dark heart

Saying no

Saying stop

My heart can’t stop

The perpetual light it harbors soaks darkness

But invites it in freely

For fear of not experiencing it

This darkness has lasted too long

The heart is reeling

The brain resents less

The body always been mine

Move, shift, plant feet

Happiness

The clean serenity of a chalk covered path

Black, patent, glistening benches

Leaves askew

Copper finished statue

Wandering children

Their moms watching idly from strollers

The warmth on my face

The pure lightness

The wind blowing strands

The sun emerges

Then fades under mid western soot clouds

Muffins, bagels, coffees

Perspiring water glasses

Sparkling pink beverages in beloved champagne flutes

Filling food, meals, snacks

Laughs, awe, life

Filling and grounding moments

Old homes, new homes

Sticky apartment floors

Tinkling rabbits toes

Pawing across littered hardwood

Happy couples

Terrible summer footwear

Steaks on cheap grills

With petite potatoes

And crisp corn cobs

The milky sun shines down

The water wiggles between toes

Flowing dresses and tattooed men in tanks

Buns for both, bums for all

Changes, ages, cravings

For life, the future, but also the past

Guilt that will slowly dissipate

Heart that will heal

Coming days that will cleanse

The love of so many

Selected few

Outshining the heart

Chipper, the eye runner

Dogs all around

Their joy for life what all should aspire to have

Tap, tap, taps on a keyboard

That will very soon end

And dawn a big girl accomplishment

Though doubts still linger

Learner, learning

Growth, high and low

Wide and close

Those holds are my saviors

Hugs, hands, furry squeals

My little piglet

The fire of his mom

Despite species separating us

The aura, the love

The energies are identical

Sandy bathtubs

Clogged drains

Too much sun

Not enough sleep

Plethora of booze

And sinking feelings

Dancing friends

Loving peers

Feeling family

Rock

Front

Root

Earth

Brewing home

Tow homes

One calm one