IPlayYouListen

and now i'm laying in bed (work tomorrow after a 3 day bank holiday weekend wah) and it's late and i should try going to sleep. but instead i'm on here, listening to inside of love.

we're gonna make this place amazing, i just know it. it's going to be everything. this is going to be my safe haven. and even though it's still far from london, i think it's right for right now. it's nice being close to his parents, to the sea. i haven't gone down to the sea yet, but i will. i have to. we're closer now so it's only like a 15-20ish min walk, instead of being a 37 min walk away from his parents place. i have to take advantage. living by the sea and not would be stupid. when will i get this chance again. we're not gonna live here forever (i don't think?). i would love to live IN london eventually. even if it's a few years down the road.

it's actually crazy that i've been here for over a year. it doesn't feel that long at all, probably cause every single day was just the fucking same. but i want to start living more daily, doing more stuff. i feel so much freer here it's wild. i eat what i want, do laundry when i want, i'm making our flat how i want. living at home has its perks but my god it's so suffocating. i just want to be an adult and live my adult life. if i want a sandwich for dinner, thats what i'll have. today i made a salad at 10pm and had that as a snack. it's just so wild to me brandon didn't want this sooner. i could never.

i've also realized i haven't lived in the same place for over 2 years in the last.. omg, it's been over 10 years.. 2011/2012 i moved out of my parents place for 2 months lol not sure if that counts. but in 2013 i properly moved out with steph for 6 months, then i lived with ryan and his mom for 4 months. then i moved to Warsaw in 2014 for 3 years, but within that time i moved to London for 9 months in 2016 where i lived in student housing and then a 3-month flat share with liam beau and grace. then moved back to warsaw for the final 1.5 years of my degree. and then i came back to edmonton in 2017 for basically 2 years, and then I moved to Vancouver in 2019. In Van I lived in 1 place for 1 year, then with Andrew downtown at the banff for 6 months, and then finally I lived with Jake in our Van special for a year and 10 months. then moved back to edmonton for 3 months, then moved to Calgary, lived in Sonoma place (my absolute favourite place i've ever lived in so far), then moved to mission within Calgary for 6 months, then moved back to edmonton for 1-2 months, and then moved to Folkestone and lived with brandon and his parents for 13 months, and now i'm here. that stretch in edmonton from 2017-2019 was the longest i've lived in one place in over 10 years. what the actual fuck hahahaha. that's actually fucked when you think about it. am i ok hahahaha. i suppose i would've never left sonoma place in calgary if my landlord didn't sell. but then i still would've left to move to folkestone. honestly, i could've stayed there for years and years. i loved that place so much. and calgary. god i loved living in calgary so much. the best 2 years of my life. doesn't even compare to my time in van. but, i had to live in van to realize how good i had it in calgary. everything happens for a reason. god i really, really hope we can live in this flat for at least a few years. give me at least 2 years, please. but at least next time i move, like moving here and from b's parents, i won't be alone. it won't just be my move. which helps a lot.

sigh.

i got my graduation pictures in high school, and i took one and wrote on the back "to the guy who showed me what it's like on the inside of love" and gave it to ryan. fuck. that is such a lifetime away now.

but, the light at the end of the tunnel is near. we are FINALLY moving into our own place in 2 weeks. fucking. finally. honestly i don't even care what kind of furniture we'll have at this point, just get me the fuck out of here.

i need more nights like this. where i just sit here alone. listening to music. tumbling. just me. i've put on the ol' "fuck" playlist. god i love these songs. i've listened to all of them hundreds of times, in edmonton, warsaw, london, vancouver, calgary. they are my security blanket. they remind me of so many times. and the fucked part is, i reminisce about ryan and i's connection. listening to these songs, sending them to each other, and feeling so deeply in love with each other. it's a certain kind of nostalgia that i can't describe. honestly, it's been 13 years since ryan and i were together, and putting all the horrible parts aside, what we had, at it's core, was beautiful. it was something i know i will never, ever experience again. but it was so raw. and so deep. and just, a fleeting love for the ages. and god, that time in my life was so electric. everything about it. the timing. the friends. the experiences. it was everything. and it wasn't meant to last longer than it did. it happened exactly as it was meant to. and honestly, now, i look back on everything and smile. all the good times were just so fucking good. like, insanely good. and how it happened with brandon, it was the similar. not the same, it could never be, but it lit that part inside of me i haven't felt since ryan. of course i can't compare because the way ryan loved me was just.. something else. but brandon evoked those sames feelings in me, deep adoration, longing, lust, everything. that's something, right?

it's so fucked up and kind of beautiful that the same playlist i used to bawl my eyes out to is now something i find such solace in. the songs i put on when i tumbl, like a ritual. and it makes me feel so deeply. and ykno what, it makes me reflect. on my past. on ryan, cause how could i not when i listened to these same songs when i was so fucking crazy about him. so fucking heartbroken. fucking hell, i don't even remember all the songs on this playlist but every single one that comes on is just so perfect. and you sent me these songs. we discovered them together. teleport to me, jamie. i'll never forget that. and i think it's ok for me to miss someone longing for me the way ryan did. the way he was broken for me, as i was broken for him. that kind of love.. idek what else to say. but at the end of the day, as crazy as it was, it was also just that. crazy. and not in a good way.

i could start writing on and on about what's missing from brandon, what i need more of. but i don't have the energy tonight.

and things aren't bad, but i'm not me. this entire living situation has turned me into someone that i'm not. the jamie you had when i was living in calgary was the happiest i've maybe ever been. and i want to get back to her. i need to. but i also need time and space to be able to do that. like nights like these. honestly just listening to my songs and tumbling has already made me feel so much better and it's even made me miss brandon a little bit. reading through my old posts. i need this. to be me. and there's no way to tell him that. i just need me time. and i'll be okay. i'll get back to the jamie you started dating. but i just need the time and space to do so.

so tumblr, see you in a few weeks, or less, hopefully.