Suffering

Much of my life had been devoted to trying not to cry in front of people who loved me…You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, and you will be nothing but a sadness in their lives, and you must not become a mere sadness, so you will not cry, and you say all of this to yourself while looking up at the ceiling, and then you swallow even though your throat does not want to close and you look at the person who loves you and smile.

Sometimes the hardest person to love is yourself. I’ve suffered so much self hate and resentment. That I realized this war within me had to stop. So I glanced at the mirror smiling at the lovely woman staring back. And I admired her body with awe. So I told her that she is smart , kind ,beautiful and strong. While I vehemently chanted to every inch of her body ,as resilient and wonderful. So now her beauty is embedded within my thoughts. From that moment on I just knew it. After hating her for all these years….. I was finally loving her for the first time.

I was in a place where nobody knew my heart even a little bit.

I remember not wanting to get out of bed, and everyone yelling at me to stop going to sleep so late. But it wasn’t that, I was not tired at all. I was sad, I was so very sad that even getting out of bed seemed pointless to me. It was hard, being so sad that it became a struggle to get up in the mornings.

I hope one day 5 years from now you stumble across me when I’ve grown out of you and finally then after not seeing me for all this time it will break your heart.

I’m not the kind of person who people fall in love with.

You should never have to convince someone into loving you and wanting to be with you. You deserve to see someone who can easily see what’s special in you.