Life Tips From A Certified Mess

I'm going to lay some ground rules out, just in case. I don't expect anybody to see this blog, really. But who knows? Let's get it out the way.

I will post at the beginning of the week every week, or I won't post at all for that week. Who knows?

Be respectful. To everybody. No insults, no misgendering, no name-calling or slurs. Keep your tone polite or use tone tags, whatever feels most comfortable.

I will be vague about the situations I post about, and I will not elaborate, most likely even when asked. Feel free to ask anyway, but don't be surprised if I reject you. No hard feelings, I hope. I won't have any for you if you decide to ask anyway.

You can vent in the comments or anywhere, just give me fair warning. For example: "RANT: The other day..."

You can also ask questions, like I said before. There's no harm in asking, I won't judge you for anything. Just don't expect me to answer openly if they clash with the anonymity/vagueness of the post.

You can browse this blog for entertainment. Look, I know some people find solace in other people who have gone through the same shit other people have. However, I'm also aware that people love drama. I'm not going to judge you for either one of those. If you only look at this blog to find entertainment, feel free to say so. Thanks for reading either way!

The people I talk about are people I know, so they will be anonymised. You're allowed to detest their actions and hate them privately, but don't come into this space just to hurl insults at the people in my life, whether I agree with them or not. Even if they're not in my life anymore. That's not the purpose of this blog. That 'Be respectful' rule applies to everyone. Especially as they are not here to defend themselves.

The most important one, so please pay attention. I know what the title says. Life tips, yes? But please do not follow these and then blame me if it doesn't work out. Why? Because I'm warning you now. I'm not a Professional or an actual Certified anything. The only certificate I have is when the creator of this universe, whoever or whatever that may be (if there even is one), handed me my life and said "Yeah do with that what you will. Good luck, champ." If you're experiencing abuse or trauma or mental health issues, please get in touch with actual resources that can help you. I'm just some random, silly guy posting about how I cope with my messy life. I'm hoping to maybe sort through my own feelings and lend some camaraderie to people going through the same thing. Just to reiterate: I am not a professional anything. If using these life tips will put you in danger, don't use them, I'm begging.

General Warnings:

I'll give trigger warnings if need be for individual posts. If you think I've missed one, please tell me and I will put it in! Don't be scared to do that please!

This blog will use strong language and has some mature topics.

Sometimes, I will talk about serious things and traumatic experiences in silly ways. Don't be alarmed: I know they are serious. However, if you think I'm diminishing or minimising a topic, please feel free to tell me respectfully. Again: I will not judge you!

You don’t need to take this seriously – I’m not giving you an actual life lesson, I don’t think I’m qualified for that to be honest with you. You don’t need to take it as a joke either – this is purely genuine stuff I’ve experienced and turned over in mind. Take this as you will. Just don’t judge me too harshly for my thoughts. Well, this is the internet so I guess you will anyway. If it helps, I won’t judge you for judging me. I think I’m probably beyond that now. If you follow along, you’ll start to realise why.

With all that said, have fun and go forth to browse these life tips!

another song reference there. let me know if you recognise it

So, your whole world has blown up and you’re a fucking mess. You don’t know what to do, you don’t know how to be. All those little things you took for granted are completely gone, away in the wind, and you’re starting to suspect they’re never coming back. You’re denying, you’re grieving, you’re mourning, you’re raging.

And that, my friend, is a lot to handle.

When you feel so much, so suddenly, with your once-stable ground cracked beneath you, it’s too much.

So… you need to look for other, little things. Things that don’t just go away or haven’t gone away. Talk to a friend, family, a stranger. Gaze up at the stars. Listen to a new music album. Branch out in the books you read or the games you play. Watch your favourite streamer. Buy that really exclusive but mouth-melting coffee from that one coffee shop.

I suppose this part is about finding the hope and joy. You need little things to get you through the horribleness, and then you can find the bright side of life. Maybe this new reality isn’t what it used to be, yes. Maybe it’s confusing and scary, yes. But maybe there will be good parts. Maybe, that secret that got out will help the people around you open up and be more honest. Maybe all those past mistakes that caught up to you or the people around you will help everybody learn from them. Maybe all those people aren’t worth your time and now you get to choose a new, found family. Maybe this will help you grow, make you realise how strong you are. Maybe the skills you get from this experience will pave your way to a new career.

People are messy because the world we live in is messy. People break rules and hearts, they stab loved ones in the back, they go down malicious rabbit holes of bad thoughts and decisions. That’s how people are. It sucks… but isn’t that a little comforting? To know that, although it feels like you’re dying, you’re actually… still alive! Be proud of yourself for that, I am! Although everything feels shaky and unsettled, the ground beneath your feet isn’t actually crumbling. It’s solid, and you can feel the rain on your face, the bird song in the swaying trees or the sunlight warming your skin. You can hear the hustle and bustle of the street or your neighbours. You can overhear friends chatting and laughing.

This world is brilliant and beautiful as it is messy and scary. Don't close yourself off from the light.

You can bask in the sun.

So, I promise I’m not taking this structure from the 5 stages of grief, although I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that I have. It’s just that this part is really important, at least, in my opinion.

Just my opinion. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.

This needs to come after the denial, if you’ve chosen to take that path. But it can fly straight at you like a crazed seagull high on vinegared chips. It can hit you like Thomas the fucking Tank Engine when he just can’t calm down. So you may not have a choice.

Remember when I said that denial should only take up so much of your time? This is why. If you take too long, this step will creep up on you and it will only confuse you if you try to take both at the same time. So, my tip? If it’s coming at you, just let it take you.

There is such a thing as toxic positivity, as I’m sure you are aware, being an independent person on the whole world wide web. Some people get scared of being dragged under, of being taken away by that cold, dark part which lurks in the edges of your mind. It can be scary, and in some cases, it can be deadly. If you have depression, be careful with this step. I’m sure you know why I’m saying that.

Although it comes with another warning, I’m basically just saying that it’s okay to feel sad. The reason that some positivity can be toxic is because it is unhealthy to deny that you’re feeling miserable. In sterner words – your life has just blown to bits and nothing, nobody is safe. Act like it, for God’s sake.

That being said, nobody grieves in the same way. I can’t really tell you what to do and I’m not really trying to. I have an overactive imagination – always have and, I suspect, always will – so the way I coped was with sad music and imagining all the ways I could express just how much my life had been blown to bits. My imaginary world was flooded with images of my woe and rage. It was different from my pervious trauma. Before, I had joked about my childhood in the right circles and gained laughs, an interesting place between laughing at the monsters in my head and acknowledging that they existed – a traumatised high for me, personally. But when my life blew up into small pieces again, it was nothing like before. I didn’t want to laugh about it, I couldn’t even begin to think of a funny joke about it. The idea was too embarrassing, too raw. In fact, any joke about it felt like a cheese grater on sensitive skin. It hurt. But joking about it is another part of grieving.

It's not just about feeling sad. I guess, more than anything, it’s about feeling. You need to feel the rage, the pain, the sadness, the loss and the longing.

(Please somebody, get that reference)

This tip is positively crucial in the process of navigating your freshly broken life. Now, I’m no psychologist, psychiatrist or whatever qualification that I should probably have but I did study sociology (mind-blowing, by the way, it really changes the way you think) so I’m gonna say it possibly protects our fragile world view while it breaks down, therefore easing us slowly into the new situation nicely. And this is my post it note post so you have to believe I’m right.

No, no, I’m joking (kind of). It’s definitely not healthy to deny your new reality for too long, and I am aware this kind of contradicts my first tip. But if you feel the pull to your old way of living, if you feel the childish instinct to keep yourself inside that shell that has now been revealed to be fake, it might be your wisest option to trust yourself for once. You’re only human – shocking, new, life-altering environments can be difficult when you’re just thrusted into them and expected to keep going. It might be best for you to slowly break the fake shell into pieces, bit by bit. Once your new life has been revealed to you slowly, it might be easier to walk into it.

If you’re going to do this, I should tell you that it does take time. It might feel like you’ll never be ready, and I would theorise that this is normal. In case you didn’t get the message from before, you are human. Therefore, it comes with a little footnote, a small print message – please don’t ignore things that are time-sensitive. If you’re in a mess of financials, don’t get thrown in front of the courts because you can’t accept that you’ve been fucked. If a disgusting lowlife has violated you, please don’t keep yourself in danger by staying close by. If you’re situation is dire, you cannot deny its existence in the way I’m suggesting.

The time to deny can only come when you’re safe and away, after the dust has just started laying a bed down on the cold floor. The time to deny is only when you feel the cracks of your sanity starting to peel away from your mind, when it feels like nothing will ever be the same again, and happiness is for people on the other side of the street on a busy road, a road you’ll never cross.

You don’t need to cross the road to find happiness, you can find happiness with people on your side of the street. Your happiness will never be the child-like joy you once had, but in a strange way, it will be even better. You ever think about how something feels so much better when you’ve had to work for it? Don’t get me wrong, you shouldn’t have to work to feel happy, but sometimes you have to. That’s the burden of the world we live in, the burden of becoming an adult. And that is the sort of happiness I’ve found in the depths of the mess that is my life. You still get those child-like joy moments, yes, but the moments born from your recovery become something a little more sacred, weirdly more special. You start to realise, “Wait, I’m holding happiness in my hand. I can live with this mess, and I’m holding this precious moment in my soul.”

But if you need to pretend in order to protect your mind first, denial can be your saving grace. For a short while. Please, don’t forget that part. For a short while.

From time to time, haven’t you wondered what it would be like if you lived in an episode of Eastenders (a UK soap, if you’re not familiar)?

Do you ever think about it – being inside all that mess and drama, all that rotten human stuff, the worst parts of humanity, being your actual life?

I have. Of course I have. You have too if you’re anything like me. A lot of people I know gently mock that show. It’s understandable why. It goes way too far, saturated in so much, all the time. I imagine, sometimes, when you’re watching, you laugh and think “Wow. Imagine if life was actually like this. Bullshit.”

Yeah, bullshit…

When your life falls apart and a whirlwind of lies, heartbreak and drama ensues, you start to realise something. This realisation comes slowly, often after the fallout, after everything has gone tits up. When you’re in the utter shitstorm, you don’t think about it – you’re surviving it, hunkered down in the corner, hands over your ears, rocking back and forth like you’re going insane. Well, there’s no ‘like’ about it – you are going insane. And when the dust hasn’t settled exactly, but when you’re just uncovering your ears and watching it float gently around you, you start to realise that those over-dramatic, unbelievable stories in all the soaps everywhere were not perhaps so unreachable as you thought.

You perhaps assumed that, despite all the horrible shit you’ve been put through, this sort of thing was above you, your family, your friends or your workplace. I guess I’m here to tell you that you’re incorrect. If you’re reading this and you think I’m wrong, that’s okay. You don’t have to believe me. It might really be that your life is a smooth ride, or that it really can’t get much worse than what you’ve already been through.

I’m just saying this as a preventative measure, if you will. Because, yes, it might not happen to you. But it might. And if I had that knowledge before, maybe it wouldn’t have rocked my world and torn my heart into tiny pieces. Don’t get worried though. This might comfort you – if it’s going to happen, it will happen. People everywhere deal with shitty situations all the time. The point is that you have to learn to live through it. And you can. If you can’t take it from me, take it from anyone. They’ll tell you.