The Story Of My Life

I guess I'll start first by really outlining the situation itself. So, I currently live in "City One," which is where I did my grad program. Some of my hometown friends wanted me to move to "City Two" with them, and my boyfriend had also just taken a tenure track position in City Two as well. So... I figured it didn't hurt to at least double my job hunting grounds to two cities. I have been jobless for three months, and it's been SO bleak (which I'll get to in the next post), so I was just glad to double my job hunting prospects. It's so hard because I love City One SOOO much, and I have just become so infatuated with my friend group here and my life, but I also just need a job and need housing... and that gets me to the life situation itself.... So, I am currently essentially homeless. I'm extremely privileged because I can move to my hometown with my parents and I am currently staying with a friend's parents in City One for free right now, but for all intents and purposes, I don't have a house proper. My stuff is in storage and my lease ended three days ago. I'll get into job stuff in the next post, but I'm also jobless and just terrified of the future, but so all of this gets us into the last week of my life changes...

Well team... I have so many life updates to post here and I think I might be back here more again... I always return to this Tumblr when my life is in shambles and I just need to talk to someone about everything in my head and I think a lot of that is coming soon. The long and short is I decided two days ago that I would be moving cities in one week... I'm kind of losing my mind. I love my friends here so much and am just completely at a loss. I don't even know how to articulate everything that's going on. Honestly, I guess this is just the prelude to a few longer posts because I'm just rambling here and am at a loss. So, the posts that are about to come are I guess just going to catalogue all that has kind of happened. It's been a long summer and though I'm getting some closure in terms of everything being in chaos after graduation, I also just am at a loss.

Okay, so I do have one last final option that just arose and it's ideal but also terrifying... So, David (the guy I'm dating) just had to move to another city in our state to start a job, right? Well, I was talking to one of my best friends from my hometown and she proposed that i consider moving in with them. They are planning on leaving our hometown and moving to the SAME TOWN that David is moving to. So, I don't have any job prospects there, and I do really love the city I live in (mostly for the friends i have here), but, this feels like it could be a possible thing. I'd lose some friends but return with some of my best friends from another city which kind of sucks but is an ebb and flow. I also would get to live in the same city my boyfriend moved to which might mean we actually have a chance (long distance for my first relationship right after we start dating isn't exactly ideal). And it's a bigger city with lower cost of living. if I can find a job, this might actually work out! And with that, since they will do the house hunting, all I have to focus on is job hunting. ALSO ALSO though, moving cities sounds insane to me.. I can't iamgine starting over like that. But maybe it'd be good?

In other news! I have officialy graduated with my masters in writing and rhetoric! And though I am so crazy bummed I didn't apply to a Ph.D. to immediately go back in, I am so ecstatic! It feels surreal to me—just the thought of being that kind of "high up" in my knowledge of my chosen field! And I couldn't still love what I do more. But, on the flip side of that. Fuck ya'll... Graduating is awful. I'm getting terrified becuase I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm starting to be in so much credit card debt (like $2,000 so not like insurmountable, but I have no money and no prospects...) and there's just nothing working out. I've appied to like 25 jobs at this point and have heard from none. My lease ends in August and I have no money for rent right now in June or July. I just can't find anything. Any I'm just getting so despondent and hopeless about it. I just CAN'T move back with my parents. I have great parents and I do love them, but now that i have experienced life in another city and experienced a life where I am independent and free in certain ways you aren't at home, I can't give it up. But, if I don't find a job like yesterday, there's nothign I can do but go back. It also sucks cause I was offered an adjunct professorship at my undergrad and turned it down cause I was raelly banking on my life working. So, now if I do go back home, I turned down a good (really, less than reasonable pay , but good for resume at least haha) option that would have worked. There is one other option that just arose though and I'm just HOPING that I can make this happen.... This takes me to my last post

Well, the big good update right now. I've been dating someone for the last month now, and I really can't believe I haven't posted about it. Guys are the one thing that I always remember to post about, but this one just snuck up on me. I met this guy (David) on Tinder back in early March. I didn't know if I was really into it, so it wasn't so persistent and crazy (didn't drive me to post lol!). But we went on a few dates and things started to feel more serious. I was really feeling myself wanting to eject—like I always do when things start to actually get real—but I also kind of was feeling drawn in. It was just a new feeling. He started asking me more seriously like "so what are we?" type questions. Some important details though that make this so much harder is that he's moving... He just finished his Ph.D. and is headed to another university in the state to start a tenure track position. So... He wouldn't live here in a few months. and even worse, I just graduated and I can't find any job or any housing. It's getting bad. and I want more than ANYTHING not to go back to my parents' house, but it's looking more and more bleak that I might move home. So, when asking me out, it was also very much both of us knowing that this might just be impossible. Wrong time. But, in mid May, we agreed to try it out. And I actually am really falling ya'll. He's the first guy that's felt comfortable in hanging out. It's not me panicking and awkwardness. Our conversations don't end, and even when they do, there's a comfort in some silence which I've never really experienced with anyone but close friends. We've met all of each others' friends and I love his friends and he seemed to like mine. I don't know. It's the first time that things have gotten more serious and I haven't run, and I don't feel that strongly that I have to this time? I'm scared but excited. There's also a secondary update here. I'll get to it :)

Oh wow... realized today just how much I haven't posted here. I've really abandoned this blog but UGH I have SO much fondness for it. Need to remember to come back here lol! Anyway, just have a series of different updates I want to post about... Always seem to return when my life is in shambles, and though that's true right now, I also have some NICE updates! Watch out for the next posts haha

Ya'll, I think I'm broken lol! So, I met this guy on Tinder a few weeks ago (we'll name him Dante here), and we have started to go on dates. We've hung out a good few times, I've gone back to his apartment, and we just seem to be doing well. Actually, never had a series of dates really feel like this. Usually dates are awkward, I don't necessarily think I like them, and just turns to texting quickly. But with him these dates are really good, he feels like a really amazing person that holds my interests, he's cute (to me haha!), and just like generally great. What scares me is that I STILL am getting terrified that I can't do it... I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's fear of commitment? a selflishness? Aromantic? Stuff I need to work through? Dating just doesn't feel right to me. I like going on dates, I like having sex, I like having someone to talk to, but the thought of like actually dating doesn't make sense to me. I just can't imagine having one main person. What happens to my afternoon with friends? My Friday night movie night with Garrett? And this is gonna turn REALLY TMI and gross, but I also am a really sexual person. How do people know where the lines are between cheating and not? I don't want to have to worry about porn or anything in that realm. And like, I just don't ever feel that deeply for random people which is hard to explain. Like, obviously everyone you know is random at some point, but I just think about HOW MUCH catching up dating a non-friend requires. How do they meet my friends? How do they get to know my humor? my takes on controversial topics? My family? etc. Dating just fundamentally doesn't make sense to me, and so no matter how much I tell myself and others that I want a boyfriend, I never actually like the prospect when it's real. BUUTTTT I don't know? This guy's amazing and genuinely everything I have alyways said I'd want in a guy? How do people do this!? As a final side which feels crazy considering how sexual I am, but this is the FIRST time i've met up with a guy and had sex with him after a date that wasn't planned and that feels crazy lol! I've never just naturally had sex that was unplanned 😂

I think I just mostly want to express how fucking amazing of a year it was. I mean, I certainly had difficulties: getting sick constantly, being dead broke, burnout, politics etc. But overall? I wouldn't have traded it. It was my first full year not living at home, and I just grew and learned and experienced so much. While I have my fears and feelings about my friends, I do have a fucking amazing friend group regardless. I became close with Garrett; and for all the crazy shit I feel for him, he's like my first best friend in this town and I wouldn't trade him for the world. My schooling has been EVERYTHING that I have ever wanted. I get to teach freshman writing, I get to work with incredible professors, I get to research and explore shit that is SO fascinating for me. I just feel like the luckiest person in the world GETTING PAID to pursue my passion and to learn endlessly from brilliant ass people. I grown and evolved so much in my ability to write and my ability to research. I just can't be more grateful for all of the amazing things I got to experience and all the people I've come to love. I can only hope that 24 treats me nearly as kindly as 23 did.

I wanted to just make a quick like "here's where I am" post. Tomorrow is my birthday, and idk. Feeling sentimental, stressed tf out, want to procrastinate, and want a snapshot of right now. I guess, the most pressing thing right now is this master's thesis... My first draft is due on Friday and I have a chapter and a half left to write... My methodology and my conclusion remain, which isn't impossible, but I also have SO many edits I need to make before I submit it to my advisor. It also just feels so SURREAL!? I just started this program, and I'm about to graduate with my master's in writing and rhetoric (if I can make it to defense lol)!!! On the friend side of things, I both always feel so lucky and so awful about my friends. I mean, I think that was exemplified in some of my January spiraling about how I'm so grateful but that I often feel like a satellite friend. Honestly, I think some of what's making me kind of sentimental and down tonight is this fact actually. We had a lot of February birthdays in my friend group and for everyone else there were pressing conversations about what we would be doing for them, and my friends haven't said a single thing about mine. I'm not sure they even know it's tomorrow... So I'm excited to see I guess, but kind of nervous what may unfold. The guy front? I'm just as much of a crazy bitch as I was seven years ago when I first started writing about myself here lol! Pining after Garrett still, getting cold feet when guys are actually into me, feeling something for any guy that shows me even the littlest bit of attention though lol! I guess I'll kind of do a part two to muse on the year though.

Okay! So, after a long time we kind of agree that we are saying the same thing and other things we'll have to agree to disagree. BUT THEN! So, me and that girl are the only academics of our group, so sometimes they just gotta listen to us get into fights about queer theory or some shit. But, Garrett has been recently been really trying to learn about queer theory specifically because he's always irked when we say we can do a "queer reading" of a movie that's about male friendship and so we're trying to give him the nuance and different use of queer in academic spaces and shit. So, our argument then turned into me and my friend explaining queer theory at 2 AM at a bar to a group of people that overally are OVER this (minus Garrett) 😂 After all this, we look up and the lights have come on. The bar is closing. So we order and uber, walk to get pizza across the street and head back to our friend's house. I figured we would leave right when we get to her house since it's 3 AM at this point. But so we all end up going to her room. Her roommate is asleep and so we're all trying to be quiet, except for Garrett who can't be quiet to save his life lol! And after like 20 minutes of just kinda eating pizza, chatting, etc. somebody makes the joke that we should all cuddle and then it became a real thing so all five of us have to pile into this small ass twin bed. I end up big spooning Garrett which is CRAZY and had me fucking going insane! And that really ended the night. The only funny thing when we were cuddling was that somebody asked for Garrett's Zyns. He says "they're in my back pocket, I can't reach them. Can you grab 'em David?" I refused at first cause I was not grabbing his ass, but he assured me and so had to go DIGGING in his fucking back pocket for like 30 seconds looking for these Zyns and I just don't know how I'm supposed to recover from big spooning Garrett and fishing around his ass pocket at that rate lol!

Okay, I have a feeling this is gonna need to be a two parter, but this is one of those things that I just really want to remember and look back to when I look at my blog :) but so, Valentine's day! My whole friend group is single and so we all decided to hang out and then go to the bars. Also of course, Garrett was there with us. Honestly, as I write this, feel like nothing too crazy even happened, I just had fun 😂 But the "craziness" started so late in the game haha! Regular night of me and Garrett just standing in a corner talking to each other, but eventually we find a big table for the whole group. Me, Garrett, and this other girl in the group start chatting. I don't remember how we got here, but she eventually said something like "Garrett told me one time that he has a small dick." and that just turned into a WHOLE thing lol! He's telling us that never happened but is saying he's never measured so he has no clue. Telling us that he'll send us a picture if we doubt him that much (which is CRAZY 😂). and then he's telling us he'd send us measurements today and shit. This poor man fighitng for his LIFE because our friend is certain he had said he has a small dick before lol! And THEN, my other like main friend in the group walks to us and joins the convo and SOMEHOW me and her end up in a intense argument with each other over queer sex and queer theory, yelling at each other this vulgar ass academic argument about anal sex. So we spend like 30 minutes talking about normative sex practices and penetration and dick length and fucking insane shit for 2 AM at a bar....

God… so my brother has always been a fence sitter politically. We’ve gotten in big fights about it, but get really we just tried to steer from politics when possible. Since inauguration though, things have changed and it’s SO hard because he finally fucking sees but it’s also causing him so much strife I don’t even know what to do… I guess, for a lot of leftists, you kind of learn the horrors slowly, ya know? Some queer issues, you realize genders fucked up, you get into environmentalism, and then you start to see some economic stuff from that. But inauguration, he was thrown into the deep end. He’s become obsessed with research and all the horrific shit surrounding all these executive orders, and he’s just sinking and it’s awful… I just answered the phone, and he’s genuinely sobbing hysterically. I’m thinking our parents got in an accident, or we lost someone close, or our house burned down. I’ve never heard him cry in my life before. And our cousin apparently showed up to dinner with a Trump shirt on. My brother yelled at him in dinner, said some foul stuff, and then walked outside. They got into a HUGE blowout verbal fight and my brother calls me from home SOBBING just saying he doesn’t know what to do and he just can’t stand for our family to be such hateful and uncaring humans. We’re a brown family with roots deep in New Mexico and so he’s sobbing that my cousin can’t be that oblivious that we’re brown. My brother and my cousin are like brothers too, and so my brother says “and what about David? You have a queer cousin. We have a queer aunt and you’ve been thinking your son might be and you’re talking about ‘taking America back’ from fucking who!? Cause it sure as hell ain’t ours.” All that to say, I feel fucking so proud but so fucking awful. I’ve wanted him to see for fucking long but now it’s just consuming him. I have never heard him sob and I’m just haunted by his like screams about how fucked up it all is…

Okay, the title is SO dramatic, but I was just learning about Nietzsche's concept of "eternal recurrence" where things are said to happen infinitely on a loop and that we are essentially just living in one of these cycles (I think a gross oversimplification). But, besides the point lol! I jus feel this way with my fucking feelings and thought it was a funny intro. But, I am just so tired of being the type of person who never gets over anyone. I didn't sleep at all last night and half of it was that I fell back into some crazy fucking pit over Sebastian–that guy I kind of "dated" back when I first moved here. We haven't talked since last February when we were making plans and I thought we'd rekindle before he ghosted me and started posting a boyfriend. And yet, here I am just fucking ruminating and wanting it back still. When I finally slept after being up for six hours through the night, I was fucking dreaming of him and that we restarted. I don't really have a point to this post beyond just, how do people move on from anybody ever!? It's fucking CRAZY to me that somebody who hurt me and somebody I haven't spoken to in nearly a year can still have such an iron grip on me... I don't even feel like I know what I liked about him anymore and I don't feel like I really remember what it was like being with him, and yet I fucking long for that connection back. Assuming they're still together too, he's been in a relationship for almost a year. He hasn't THOUGHT ABOUT ME! So why do I just torture myself longing for shit that can't/won't happen and that I don't even remember. I walk about the town I live in now and everythign still fucking returns me to him. He came and stayed at the hotel with me when I visited for the first time, and so every corner I turn, there's another fucking restaurant or bar or shop that we went to. I just want to know how people get over things!? This wasn't even a real relationship!?!?! I can't FATHOM when I get broken up with after something long-term!

Jesus... I didn't realize I had this much to say lol! Sorry for spamming ya'll's feed :) But the other complicated but lovely thing about that encounter with Garret is some of my worries from new years day got resolved. I had posted about how I was scared he wanted to open our movie night to the full group and that he was tired of just hanging out alone. But as we sat there yesterday, he brought up movie night again and I was ready to be like, "yeah, I can't wait to see who all makes it!" ya know? We talked about what we needed to watch coming up, and he ended up saying, "We really should see about inviting Julia, she's been wanting to see us more" but before I could say of course, he interrupts himself and says, "but it's tough cause I genuinely value David and Garrett time a lot... I don't want to invite people because I like our time being what it is." and it was just SO fucking heartwarming for me. Not to keep fucking digging into this, but with the current hole I feel I'm in with my friends, this was just one of the best things I could feel. I also do LOVE Julia, but Garrett is one of the only friends I have that really feels consistent and it feels like he chooses me as a friend instead of just being friends with me cause we're in the same friend group. Romantic feelings aside, I'm just fucking grateful that I have a friend like that in the city I'm in. If I didn't have Garrett rn, especially through this fucking depressive episode I'm in from the T-break, I think I'd be in a much bigger hole...