I Shoot. I Write.

It started with a deal.

On the last quarter of 2015, Ate Des, in her usual authoritative persona, persuaded us to agree to her deal. We will help her niece, Klea, win Starstruck (yes the TV show) and in turn she’d take us to Boracay.

Of course we agreed! A consensus among us was easily made.

Not only would it be a chance for us to relive our college fun days, but we’d also get to visit one of the best beaches in the world.

To cut the story short, Klea won the coveted Ultimate Female Survivor title. Thanks to our help. (Kidding, she’s actually really talented and cut to be a star.)

We had six months to prepare for this trip but the days breezed through without us noticing. You have to understand that whenever we plan to reunite, I am always in-charge of organizing. From our accommodation to our possible activities and even our wake-up call, you name it. I am the captain of their lives for a short period of time. So it wasn’t surprising when they volunteered me to arrange our Bora trip.

Luckily, it went well. We were able to make the most of the paradise. We met new friends, burned our pockets, danced like teenagers. The laid-back atmosphere in Boracay helped us escape the stress from our professional lives.  Sure, we missed each other. To some extent, we probably even made this as an excuse for us to escape our responsibilities for a while.

And it was all worth it. 

Life once extinguished it-- imprisoned the innocence that knew how to articulate love, pain, and solitude.

I’m back to my precious old self.

I’m back.

Mag-sulat nang walang kabuluhan. Mag-sulat tungkol sa buhay, sa pag-ibig, sa buhay pag-ibig.

Mag-sulat nang walang iniintinding patakaran, mag-sulat nang may tunay na pinaghuhugutan.

Gusto ko lang mag-sulat dahil baka sakaling sa pagsusulat makarating ang mga mensaheng walang lakas ng loob ipadala. Gusto ko lang mag-sulat dahil sa bawat araw na hindi ko nagagawa ay libu-libong pagkakataon ang nawawala. Gusto ko lang mag-sulat dahil gusto ko lang na ako’y marinig sana.

Marinig ng ibang tao, marinig ng sarili ko.

Gusto ko lang mag-sulat dahil di tulad ng pag-ibig, sa pagsusulat ako ay tunay na malaya. Gusto ko lang mag-sulat dahil sa bawat tipa ng letra pakiramdam ko sa pag-ibig ako’y muling tumataya. Gusto ko mag-sulat dahil sa pag-susulat kaya kong lumikha ng hinahangad na pag-ibig at saya.

Pag-ibig na wagas, pag-ibig na hindi nauubusan ng lakas.

Gusto ko lang mag-sulat dahil baka sa pagsusulat mabuhay ang naghihingalong kagustuhan na umibig muli. Gusto ko lang mag-sulat dahil baka sakaling ang mga takot na nananatili sa akin ay tuluyan ng mahuli. Gusto ko lang mag-sulat dahil baka sakaling sa pagsusulat ako’y iyong marinig, at ibiging muli.

Do you still think about that star?

Do you still think about it before you lie in bed and momentarily free your mind from your self-restraint?

Do you still think about its twinkle when your alarm sets off to take that bitter pill?

Do you still look at the sky and ask for guidance when you stroll at night with your sanity?

Do you still think about that star when you stumble upon some hilarious musings that you want to share?

Do you still think about its appearance on certain days?

Do you still look at its constellation and wait for it to reappear and smile back at you?

Because I do.

I still do.

I still think about that star every time I face the morning hustle.

I still want to see how bright it became since the last time I laid eyes on it.

I still think about that star whenever I reassess my life for watching a fucked-up family show.

I still want to marvel at its tenacity amid the supernovas and the blackholes.

Pabebe Monday shot because I like wearing this printed polo. Pwedeng pamunas ng table anytime. <3 <3 <3

Also, just trying to smile off all the stupid questions I’ve been getting this morning :) :) :)

Friendly reminder that the questions you throw say a lot about you!!

You wake up in the middle of an eerie night and the only thing that registers in your head is complete silence. But even this supposed calmness would not be able to tame your wild thoughts.

But it’s okay.

Then you’ll start to bawl. Again. Just like the past months, you won’t still be able to handle your stupid emotions. Given the solitude, you’ll turn into a ball of tears. Every. Single. Chance.

But it’s okay.

You’ll yearn for a touch you have been missing for what seems like a lifetime already. You’ll try to relive the memories that you’ve buried inside a special compartment in your mind. You’ll remember. And all the pain will come rushing back.

But it’s okay.

You’ll be desperate. You’ll commit another stupid act. Even though you know it won’t bring a broken mirror back. You’ll try. And you’ll get hurt again. Another scar, another bleeding yet you won’t stop.

But it’s okay.

You’ll face another day dragging yourself to function. But just like any other day, you will fail. You will fail yourself and the people around you. Congratulations! The vicious cycle of depressing over a lost cause will continue to haunt you in your sleep.

But it’s okay.

Yes, it’s okay.

It’s okay to savor the misery. It’s okay to take all the pain in.

Nobody can tell you to stop. Nobody can tell you to move on already.

Because truth be told, it’s okay to be not okay when half of your life has been taken away from you.

It’s okay not to be okay when you’ve been crushed into million pieces.

It’s okay not to be okay when love dies right in front of your eyes.

Helpless and hopeless, there’s nothing much to do…

Ang sakit sakit na parang ayaw mo na makita ang bukas Ang sakit sakit na parang gusto mo nalang mawalan ng emosyon Ang sakit sakit na parang gusto mo nalang mawala bigla lahat ng alaala mo