Sometime Life Instructions Are Missing

I haven’t written an entry in a while - but much has happened in 2016. Seems everyone is ready for the year to end. 

Often times we needs a new year or a Monday to arrive so that we can start whatever it is we want. But that’s really not a true necessity - we can start whenever we want (key word ‘want’). 

To kick-off the year, I want to send a letter to an old friend, who I’ve been struggling to care for and who deserves all my attention and love - myself. Long ago I worked with a life-coach friend who asked me to name this friend and I felt silly doing it. I named her Sam. I am to be as good of a friend to Sam as I am to all my other friends. So here goes:

Hey Sam - 

How are you? I’ve been ok. I know we haven’t talked much in 2016 - and although I want to catch you up on it all, I also want to talk more about what we’ll do next year. Although I want to learn from all that’s happened, I’m also anxious to move on. 

In 2016 I met a couple of new people - some great, some not so great. I stopped going to the gym because I became to physically and mentally tired - and I wanted to rest since I wasn’t getting that during the week. 

Work has been great in that I’m working on projects that constantly remind me of what I love and what I miss in my life. So, this brings me to 2017...finally.

We are going to the gym like we did before. #GymRat for life! Not just to lose weight, but because it’s when we’re the happiest.

Continue to love and value the people in our lives. I’ve seen people treat other like a resources and nothing else - dispensable. This is not us - never has been, never will be. We are compassionate to ourselves and others. 

Loving and sacrificing are not the same thing. This needs to get tattooed (mentally - we’re not going there).

We will always give back. In 2017 we are getting the right training to help others manage what they feel is the unmanageable. 

Continue to work and live life with passion and do it all with the heart or nothing.

People matter, that includes me. So I have to figure out how to never lose sight of my needs (Sam, this is where I need your help!).

Oh and, girl... get that passport out again. We are traveling! #hopper here we come!

I admit that I have no clue what that means. I’m still trying to figure it out. The way I see it is that I finally get to do something I was never able to do before. Me, run? Yeah right! Unless you’ve been overweight (as in obese with a big belly), would you understand that running, jumping jacks, Zumba, etc., means your fat bouncing all over the place and all you keep thinkings is, “God I hope no one notices.”  Not to mention you’re dying because you’re exercising and well - you’re trying to keep up (oh and by the way - I’m 5 feet tall, which means I’m always trying to keep up). 

I’m finally at a place where I can join a Nike challenge, where I can join a friendly competition or train with friends who are fit and thinner than I. I can finally keep up and sometimes I can prove I can do more. I learned that this is all about mind over matter and we have to have faith in ourselves, in our bodies and not let our minds and thoughts discourage us. When I’m on the treadmill I stare at the stop button and I realize all it takes is a small push of the button to make it stop. But then I look at the button next to it - the one that reads “go” and I think to myself - that’s right - GO and don’t stop, don’t ever stop (yes, I talk to myself all the time).

This week I ran a total of 11 miles. By the end of the week my knees were knockin’ and it hurt to go up or down the stairs. It’s not the first time I feel this, but I thought it was soreness. I learned this weekend that’s not true.  I don’t stretch and I was told I’m overdoing it. I was told by my trainer and the Nike App. Then I learned what the foam-roller can do. It was not fun and probably the most pain I have ever felt in a long while.  I am on mandatory 2 days a week rest from working out and I have to see a therapist to help with my IT band (what is that?!). I don’t know what it is - but I know what I feel.  I won’t give up. I will continue to learn, correct me workouts as I go and try not to feel like the wonderful things I’m doing are hurting me.

For while I’ve been trying to get out of the 160′s lbs. What a mission! So, I was recommended the Carb Nite Solution (tool). I read, researched, and did it. In three weeks I lost 10 lbs. and when I hopped on the scale there is was, 157 lbs. HOLY LIGHT BALLS BATMAN! I was happy, proud, felt light as a feather and really what I mainly felt was that restricting myself paid off. 

But really, there were days that I felt like a baby elephant was sitting on my head and trust me when I tell you, I wasn’t happy most of the time. The diet/tool makes sense to some extent, but I’ve never had more cravings in my life. So just like that I “broke” my diet and binged with a watermelon, ginger and lemon juice. I wasn’t craving a burger…I was craving awesome foods.

So, in three days I am back up to 163 lbs.  I did have a bit of a frown, can’t lie about that. But I have to turn this frown upside down. I can’t and won’t measure my success on the scale. Okay, okay…easy to write it here, but I still get on the scale hoping that sucker tells me “you have muscles, but weight 135 lbs!” That might not happen, because again - momma’s got to get muscle and that weighs more than fat. 

Since this is the year of the rip, I have to focus on that. Lower my Fat Mass and increase my FFM (Fat Free Mass). I have to trust that my body will not only respond to the work I am putting in, but that it’s smart enough to tell me what works and what isn’t. In the meantime, here’s my framed photo, that at one point I made it under 160 lbs.

A friend from the gym recommended a book – The CarbNite Solution.  I read it and it’s so matter of fact. It’s written by a physicist who has a unique approach to weight loss, or rather Fat loss. Basically, this goes slightly against everything I’ve ever learned about weight loss, but it all makes sense. Pick up the book – let me know what you think.  Here’s to giving it a try.

I intended on blogging a lot more often than I do. I intended on taking you through my weight loss journey with the hopes that I can help someone out there trying to accomplish the same.  There is so much information for every unique situation, goal and preference. It’s actually very overwhelming, especially if you add personal life into this mix.

During this time that I haven’t blogged much of nothing has happened.  Allow me to elaborate. I’ve plateaued. I have a few hypotheses as to what has lead to this. I haven’t been on the scale because I realized at one point this is no longer a way for me to measure success – however, I did hop on the scale and there it was. I no longer plateaued – I actually gained weight, 8lbs. to be exact and to make matters worse, a non-stretch fabric dress doesn’t zip up!  Since my weight loss journey I haven’t really gained weight so this is pretty devastating to me.

I’ve been doing research because I know I need to change my game, but to WHAT? Do I have to spend a lot of money to get to my goal and what is my budget limit?

For as long as I can remember, both my parents have always been concerned with my weight. My mother in particular was even more worried because she’s always wants the best for me and didn’t want me to suffer as I got older.  She also felt it was a reflection of her as a caretaker plus - she hated when other mothers would tell her what they would do.  It wasn’t that my mom wasn’t willing to accept new ideas, but they didn’t realize she had already tried everything (everything). Every time I would tell them “if you buy me this machine I can do it at home and I will stick to it,” there went my parents – off to the store.

So, when did the switch turn and I started to lose weight?  I think it’s when a cord in my heart was yanked.  It was the day I saw my self-value and I didn’t want to keep missing out.

In 2010 I met a guy; we had great conversation, walked about a 3-block radius and by the end of the evening I thought – yeah…this could work. As the days went by, I thought the feeling could be mutual and my interest (aka – silly day dreaming) would grow.  This didn’t turn into a love story and it was actually a very unhealthy thing (can’t call it a relationship).  I walked way from this and it was about a year of silence – until he reached out and we worked on being friends (despite all my friends’ disapproval).  We actually became good friends and we mutually got to know each other. As the friendship would develop, he started to share information of the girls he was seeing (sometimes a few at a time). All were very unhealthy choices for him (or any man for that matter), but he had trouble letting them go because of the attention he would get from them.

Hearing the details was usually very angering because I did grow to care for him and I kept trying to not listen to my little voice that would tell me “all this time, you liked a coward.” One day we sat to chat by a park/plaza (same difference in NYC) and I asked him, what is it about this girl he can’t live without or that he’d miss the most. I will spare you the details, but I can assure you it was nothing meaningful. That’s when it hit me and I thought WAIT!...you’re telling me that I have three degrees, live on my own, take care of myself, have a career, speak English, don’t have kids (so I’m not looking for a baby-daddy), smart, funny (I am going to believe I’m freakin’ hilarious), with a gorgeous group of friends, an amazing family, have good values and love with all my heart and I wasn’t even a consideration for him. He never even thought of me as an EX-girlfriend. On the other hand is a chick with two kids, no education, a little on the tacky side, but…she had a nice body and well – made him happy. So there you have it.

 My very next thought was – how many great dudes (he was not one of them) have I missed out on? Yes, I might have much to offer, but no one would know this at a first glance. Other guys would see the same thing this dork saw…a body. I know a great guy is the one who can see beyond that – but we all start somewhere.  This was the night the switch flipped from off to on.  I woke-up the next morning with a feeling of beautiful anger, determination and eager for change.  It was time to start cleaning house and it started with me. Everything I learned from the life coach, all the thinking and self analysis came crashing together and it was great. 

I wish the switch would have turned when my mom and dad asked me to please stop sneaking in McDonalds or eating large portions (which she served me – but that’s for another blog entry). 

This time I made a conscious choice for me.

This week I received an amazing note that I so eagerly want to share.

I actually haven’t shared this blog with the Facebook masses because I’m feeling a little shy. But, after seeing this note I realize that if it helps anyone make decisions starting from self love and hearing your inner voice over all the noise in our lives (friends, media, family, BFF, BF, GF…), then I have to put my apprehension aside.

Thank you friend for sending me this amazing note. It’s proof that you motivated me more than you can imagine.

************************************************

My life coach was an angel and was tremendous help, but I think the best way to describe her to everyone is by calling her a silent assassin. I worked with her for 6 months and one day, it all hit me…it all came together.  

There were many things I learned of myself and grew from.  But there is one session I will never forget.  She concluded from all our sessions that my friends are very important to me; she was right. She asked me to tell her why I thought I was a good friend. 

I proudly said, I am…

Understanding

Committed 

Selfless

I don’t wait for a friends to ask me for help if I know he/she needs it

Supportive

Loyal

etc…

Then she asked if I can identify which of all these attributes I was to myself… BOOM!  SLAP IN THE FACE and A PUNCH STRAIGHT TO MY HEART.

I was speechless which is not like me.  You see, I was none of these things to myself.  It made me feel so sad for myself and so embarrassed.  It truly felt like someone just tossed a big cold bucket of water on me. 

From that moment on she asked me to think of myself as if I were divided into two entities; me the person I know and me the person who I need to befriend. She asked me to name this person, and to be a good friend to her.

Without realizing it a personal criteria which I live by was born.

Is this good for me? 

If the answer is No, then I cannot allow it near me.  

Is treating myself to this new dress good for me?

Is going on a long walk good for me?

Is this slice of pizza good for me?

Will I benefit from not working-out or quitting?

The decision to lose weight is a life changing experience. Actually doing the things to lose weight is a result of a decision or  the criteria we use to be successful.

Even if all you have to lose are 5 or 10 lbs., remember that weight was probably gained from poor decisions we made.

I am 5'0" and in Feb 2013 I successfully reached 237 lbs - boom!

In retrospect I can tell you that although I weighed so much, what I looked like in person is not who I saw in the mirror and certainly not who I saw when I dreamed. Then suddenly, I would wake up in the morning to find a photo posted on Facebook and there I was, all 237 lbs of me. Nice smile, big eyes, plumpy cheeks and always surrounded by friends who love me.  

As you can imagine, I thought of my weight all the time. It was an issue that I hid under a rug.  I would walk into a room and within seconds I can tell if I was the largest person there. I would have already looked at the chairs to decide if I would be able to sit on one, because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't break it.  I convinced myself I have charisma (which I do - I mean, I don't hate myself!) and worked with what I have. But being overweight forces you to think of things to ensure you aren't publicly embarrassed (...can I fit through the turnstile, is the restaurant space too small for me to fit or please don't have nose-bleed seats because they are tiny!). 

Like any single gal in NYC, I have other important issues to worry about ("how am I going to save money and be financially stable," "shouldn't I get serious about opening my own business?,""why am I still single and only meet the crazies with a BBW fetish?"). I had failed so many times at losing weight that all my other dilemmas felt like small hills compared to the Everest (no pun intended).

Logically, I decided to seek for help to sort out all my other issues (duh!). Anything to avoid the only thing that I decided I would fail at. 

Through a friend I met a life coach and we opened the door to every single issue or thought I ever had. We worked on so many things in 6 months - but yet not once did she ever let me touch upon my weight issue.

But after 6 months I learned without even realizing it and then I acted.

I get asked what was my secret - and I can tell you my secret isn't really an unknown - but it is the avoidable truth. 

So, the next time you're facing a fear and you turn on it because you think you know the ending of the story, realize you're no longer an actor, you are now the Director of this film. Then ask yourself, what will I do next?

  BEFORE

Today is the first day for most of us. I would even say for all of us.

For example, today is the first day I write a blog post. I don’t have any formal training. I don’t really follow other bloggers. But today is the beginning of my life as a ‘blogger.’ 

Come to think of it, I’ve had many beginnings and as I think of it some more, I realize these are beginnings because I made them that way.  The only beginning I have that was brought on to me was my birth (duh!) and the first day of every school year.

Beginnings are supposed to feel amazing. Well, I think people say that because that’s the expected emotion.  But I often found that beginnings are scary and if you’re a structured person like myself, then you feel 150% like a fish out of water (you can’t breathe), because the unknown is killing you.

But when you remember what motivated you to start that beginning at that particular moment, you realize there is a hidden little person in you that is excited for this start.  She (in my case since I’m a chick) is jumping on one leg and daydreaming 100 dreams per second.

Today, I was motivated by the simple fact that I want to be happy doing something that makes me happy. I’m happiest when I connect with people. I am happiest when I help others and I’m happiest when I create and feel accomplished and successful at what I aim for.

Lately I haven’t felt any of that – not even remotely close.  I have been second-guessing myself, walking on eggshells and not being myself with anyone new I encounter.  I also realize that I perform to the best of my ability when I feel I’m among friends. I’m not a transactional person.