Past. Present. Future.

Motherhood is so difficult. I often think it’s not for me even though I’ve been wanting to be one. I’m not cut for the challenges and, you’ve guess it, the sleepless nights. There are many trials and errors and I feel like I’m failing all the time. Then there are moments where I love the shit out of her! How crazy is that?! It’s a love/hate rollercoaster ride that will stop when it puts me to the grave.

I’ve wondered what my old life would be like. Would it be stagnant? Would I be doing a side business? Would I have discovered myself just a little more during the pandemic? Would I have still wanted children after witnessing a pandemic? Too many would I’s.

What if I didn’t get married so young? What if I didn’t want to settle down and explored more instead? I should’ve learned to love myself more instead of being a serial dater. Just when I learned how to be ok by myself, someone else came along and here I am. A wife and shortly, a mother. Sometimes I wonder if I was even capable of taking on these important titles.

Or what if I didn’t end up with him? What would I be doing? I imagine myself still living with my parents, struggling to pick a career that I love because I have too many interests, and barely making money on a teacher’s salary. But I also imagine myself being ok with that and take my time to find a job that I love or even start something of my own.

Then I wonder, why do ANY of that have to be a what if? Why can’t I still find myself and do what I enjoy doing? Although time is not my best friend, I believe that when the dust settles, I’ll be able to pick myself back up again - no matter how long it might take.

You see, it’s a lot of back and forth in my head. It’s nothing new, just new thoughts instead of the old romances dilemma.

I’m not sure why I still chase closure in my mind but I do. For what? I don’t know. Maybe for someone to say sorry and admit they were wrong. Wronged me in such ways that caused so much pain in the past years. But what will it really do if I heard those words? Nothing. It’s not going to mend a friendship or that they will be back in my life. So why chase closure?

I guess I just want to know that at the end of the day, I did all that I could, said all that I’ve said, and tried my best, but it still didn’t work. That it wasn’t me, it was you. That I turned into a completely crazy person because I was trying to protect myself, protect the relationship. Man, I was bat shit crazy over an illusion, a fantasy that I had in my head. The “save us or else I’m nothing without you” bullshit. I was so naive.

But thanks to you, I’m happy where I am. I got my shit together before turning 30, can you believe it? I can’t because I don’t think I’d be where I am without the support from my husband. But hey, I’m here, we did it.

So yeah, thanks for taking away the little hopes and faith I had left in me. It helped me realize that I was attracted to toxic relationships and I wasn’t able to see what a normal relationship should be like.