Welcome to my own little world

I feel crushed. Like I’m stuck and have no idea how I’m going to get myself away from this idea of us. I gave such and important piece of myself to you. For almost 19 years I saved my virginity for someone I knew deserved it, someone I cared about and trusted. Waiting on someone I could be completely comfortable with, who made me feel safe enough to let myself be that vulnerable. You’re my bestfriend, people dream up fairy tales of losing their virginity to their bestfriend and falling in love. I’ve always loved you, and yes maybe I could have fallen in love with you..but it’s all different now. I spilled my heart to you and you let me down so gently that I couldn’t even feel the small part of my heart break off and fall into your hands. After everything, that piece of my heart will always be yours. Rather it be as my bestfriend or as the person who I finally trusted enough to open myself up to like I never had anyone else before. To know that innocence is gone and I will never get it back is a bittersweet feeling. Losing my virginity was nothing like I imagined but I wouldn’t change a thing. Except for the possibility of you and I being together. But I cannot complain because at the end of the day you are still my bestfriend and I will always have you by my side. I’ve grown as a person through all of this. Gained a kind of confidence that I truly needed. I believe whole heartedly that everything happens for a reason…I can’t wait to see what else life has in store for me and where the other pieces of my heart will end up.

To all the girlfriends that hate the other girl, Yes, Cheating is wrong. Yes, relationships should be respected. BUT he was the one that wasn’t single not her, he was the one that was taken yet proceeded to flirt with her, maybe it started as an innocent flirty comment but it proceeded to talking to her everyday till eventually she fell for him. Ever thought that maybe she really didn’t go and seduce him? That he was the one that went after her. Maybe she’s just as broken as you, and here’s a crazy idea…Maybe even more because at the end of the day you were the one that had him. He had both of you. You had him. And she had nothing. Yes, she knew what she was getting herself into and Yes, she should’ve expected to get hurt because Karmas a motherfucking bitch but I’ll let you in on a little secret, Being the other girl is just as bad as being cheated on, because both ways you’re only getting 50% of their heart. You think it could’ve been prevented if she simply walked away but it’s a lot easier said than done when you fall for someone so hard. Most of the time, he simply walks back out of her life as fast as he came in and simply stays happily with his girlfriend like nothing happened, while she’s broken. At the end of the day, No matter which side you have to be on it’s a lot of pain you have to bear when you have a man you have to share. Simply keep that in mind. The other girl.

I constantly try and run from my feelings for you. Even after all this time and this constant battle with my emotions those feelings have never left. I can try and convince myself but it's just a temporary fix until the next time we cross paths. That's all it takes..just your presence sends my mind into a whirlwind. Why do I continuously put myself in a position to hurt? I know I deserve more that what you've ever given me but I can't fully walk away. I've never experienced true love. You were the closest I've come to loving anyone and that scares me..what if that's the closest I'll ever be to knowing the love everyone dreams of. You went against everything I've ever believed in and I didn't care. Now I'm left hurting and you make it seem so easy to pass by me without even glancing my way. You get to go on loving and I'm left broken. I hate to admit that...you left me broken in a way that I still haven't recovered from. No matter what we've been through if you were to ever call me I would be there for you without hesitation. I know that's not a two way street. You have completely shut me out because she told you to. That's what hurts the most, she made the decision...not you. She's the one who cut me from your life and what we had...not you. That makes you a coward that after telling me you loved me you treated me the way that you did. Made me feel the way that you did. Simply hearing your name makes my heart sink and my stomach do flips. Thinking of the moments so special that we shared together makes it hard to let everything go. The second I let go, those moments I adore so much become mere memories. The thought of you becoming a stranger is something I avoid with every day that passes. Silently hoping everything goes back to what we considered "normal". I have to force myself to kick you out of my daydreams as I catch myself thinking about how things were with us. Before anything you were my friend and that's what I miss more than anything. Spending hours at a time babbling over anything and everything. You made it so easy to fall for you but someone should have warned me it would be a lot harder to forget you. The last time I saw you is what drove me to write this. Who figured a high school football game is where my last ounce of hope would be crushed? I saw you sitting by yourself. I couldn't help but to keep looking, even after I was caught staring. I silently debated with myself if I should leave it be or gather the courage to go talk to you. After this went on for almost 10 minutes I finally decided that it was all or nothing, this was probably my last chance to even salvage our friendship. As I went to stand I look over and see her walking up to you. As she kisses you hello, I say goodbye to the courage I had finally mustered. It was clear to me she was your choice and nothing could change that. I knew the consequences of becoming infatuated with someone who already had a commitment to someone else. That smile and the way you looked at me influenced me to forget my beliefs and dive in head first. I made the mistake of thinking you'd still be there if I hit the bottom and couldn't find my way back up. I have to accept the fact that I'm left alone to swim back to the surface because I refuse to let you watch me drown in the mess you helped me make. I constantly try and run from my feelings for you, and one day this race will end with me leaving you in the dust as I run into the arms of the person who truly deserves my love.