john mulaney and the sack lunch bunch starters.
do you know who tells the truth? drunks and children.
i have no children of my own and thatโs by choice.
sometimes i sayย โi donโt have kids yetโ but that thatโs just to appease certain people.
you can go very far in life, if you pretend to know what youโre doing.
grandmaโs got a boyfriend.
he calls waiters โgarรงonโ.
these women would love a reason to destroy you.
i wanna know when and how he croaked.
have you ever spied on your parents?
saschaโs dad does drag.
even though i was embarrassed, i couldnโt deny they were right to throw shade.
iโm not gonna sugarcoat it because, like a chubby queen in a corset, the truth always has a way of spilling out.
that is the past. i am a new woman.
yeah, i know. i produced it but yeah.
you were sitting next to an old man you didnโt know?
i went to the bathroom nine times.
thatโs another one of my fears: home invasions. i donโt want anyone in my home!
if i had known algebra, i would not have lost my eye.
my story makes sense, on that you can rely.
iโm the only living person who just wants macaroni.
can i please just have some pasta? a plain plate of noodles with a little bit of butter.
another one of my biggest fears is sitting on a toilet and having the water automatically flush. i donโt like that. and nuclear disasters.
youโre playing mind games with me.
i havenโt had a dream in over seven months.
i havenโt had a dream in like โฆ since yesterday.
i get in the car. i just drive. wherever the sun takes me.
i donโt even know what it means, i just brought up a fancy word.
we are closed for a private event.
girl talk, youโre positive?
itโs a huge fear of mine. just realizing how dumb i am and knowing that theyโre realizing how dumb i am.
you donโt value our vision!
you have to pay attention, this is a very big deal.
how married are we to doing this?
no, iโm not on the group text.
do flowers exist at night?
i saw a white lady standing on the street just sobbing.
follow me! but also give me space, okay?
like a squishy sound like a butt!
okay, i just broke a bottle over here.
no, heโs not okay. heโs having a lot of trouble.
i landed weird on my ankle and it popped. it was like music!
youโll never believe what sound it makes when i throw it out the window and the window breaks!
maybe grab that cat by itโs tail.
we want you to know that we donโt judge you.
i want this, iโm keeping this.
fish, tacos and fish tacos. terrible.
you know that i want you to be happy but i do want you to miss me. a lot.
is there a way of dying that youโre not afraid of, that you would prefer?
there is no one like you. there has never been anyone like you. there will never be anyone like you. therefore, be yourself.
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