letters to my ancestors

My life is a disaster and I have no one to blame but myself.

I miss you.

Call me...

Or come see me in my dreams.

Love,

I wish you could meet my new partner.

You'd have sussed him out right quick.

Like Shenandoah with Jimmy Stewart: I know you love [them] but do you LIKE [them].

I really don't know what to make of him, Dad. I...can't even say if you'd like each other. But he's charming; I'll give him that.

Then again, so were you.

I guess we'll see, huh?

Love always,

I have to ask you a question.

When I was a kid people always thought I was the other gender. I never really thought about it. Gender didn't mean anything to me. We were just children.

And then puberty happened.

Puberty was awful. People treated me differently because my body changed. No matter how much information they gave me, it didn't change the way I thought of myself: as neither male, nor female but somewhere between both. But my changing body was a curse that forced me into situations and limitations that boxed me in.

"You can't do that. You're a --."

How many times have I heard that? Not from you and not from Mom, but from so many other people.

So how would you feel if I asked you to call me by a gender neutral name and they/them pronouns?

Would that be a problem?

I know it would be an adjustment...

But you know and I know, at least, I hope...

No matter what else I may be I am always your

How am I supposed to find my way without your 3am phone calls?

I love you I wish you were here.

I would call you tonight but you won't answer...

I'm doing ok. I've been taking my meds and brushing my teeth. I've been reading a lot of books, and playing music... Oh, that's what I should do tonight while the cicadas are singing. I should play a song for you.

So that I will miss you a little less.

Love,

My life is going so well... I have a good job. I have good friends.

So why does my heart feel so empty?

Everything's perfect.

And i just feel dead inside...

Love,

Tomorrow is father's day...

I can't even buy you a bottle of whiskey and tell you i love you. I don't have a grave to take you flowers.

Mom is unhappy.

You left us too soon.

You were ready, but those you left behind were not.

That being said, you are my forever dad.

I'm sorry I didn't try harder when you were with me.

I love you. I miss talking at 3 am. I'm sorry for all the times i never picked up the phone. I wish i had.

I wish...

You'd say "hey child, how are you doing?"

And I'd say, "oh you know same ole same ole."

And we'd talk about music and people and stupid stuff, and I'd cry to you about lost loves and you'd cry to me about your ghosts.

I wish you'd told me more. About your childhood, about your ex, about the war. Do i even know you? Well, I'll never know you now... But what i do know i love.

I loved you then and i love you now and, Dad, no one can ever replace you.

Happy father's day. 💕

Love,

Tomorrow is memorial day.

I'd come visit and put flowers on your grave, but you don't have a grave. You couldn't stand the thought of being buried in the ground. So mom and i spread your ashes at all your special places. But i have nowhere to go to remember you.

What i mean is...

...you're everywhere. In the air, in the sun, in the wind. Sometimes you come to me in a grizzled, jovial customer at the liquor store. And for a moment i smile like you were still here.

I know you'll be with me all day tomorrow.

I love you.

I miss you.

I remember you.

Semper Fi.

Love,

It's been 2 years since that day in the hospital. You were supposed to recover, go into assisted living, but you didn't. You passed away instead. I didn't understand what was happening, why everyone was crying. I cried because I was scared. Because I couldn't handle that you were gone.

I still don't understand.

I still miss you.

Love forever,

I just got my own place. I'm lonely.

I wish I could call you at 4 am.

It's been a rough month.... I got dumped, because I care about war torn places. I had the flu. Two weeks later i caught the Rona.

Being in my own place .. it's weird. I have space but I'm the only heartbeat here.

I miss you.

You always made everything better.

My job is going well; i love it. Other than being sick a lot, life is ... Not that bad.

Everyone says you'd be proud of me but i need to hear it from you and i can't.

The worst part is being alone. The best part is being alone.

But it's you i miss now.

Love forever,

It was an awkward Christmas and lonely...

I moved away. I left everything: family, friends, pets...

I just couldn't anymore. Mom understands but i know Christmas was hard for her because she was all alone. But i had to leave.

I had to.

My old life was killing me. The drink, the smoke, the unhealthy situations...

A kid told me recently that i was naive to think i could run away from my problems and I'm just like, honey-bitch you don't know shit about why i left and changed my whole life. I'm not running. I'm actively seeking a better life. I'm trying to grow up. Same as we all are.

Give me some time, dad, and I'll make you proud. ❤️

I want to live and I'm doing my best. Everything I've gone through has prepared me for this.

I'm getting my own place soon. I'm gonna have the life i want.

I wish you could come visit.

I love you!

I asked the universe for a do over. And i got a new life.

I got a job. I moved cities. Crime is worse here. It's scary. New people, new job, new place, new city, new life. No bad memories.

God, I wish I could still call you at 2 am to talk about boys and girls and life and death and how crazy life is and how much we love mom.

I miss you.

Every minute of every day.

But i want to keep in touch.

I know you'll never write back anymore but it doesn't matter.

The point is you are best dad.

Still.

You're a part of me, and part of me died when you did. It rocked me to my core. Maybe worse than losing grandma.

But I'm trying... I'm trying so hard not to self destruct, because really... Things are actually pretty great, except you're not here and I'll never see you or hear your voice again.

I miss you.

Every minute of every day.

So does mom.

Fuck you for leaving ... But i understand. You were ready but we weren't.

Life is for the living and so are funerals.

I hope....

....i hope you'd be proud of me.

Love,

I'm moving. Things are intolerable here. There's so much pain waiting around every corner... How can I heal? So I'm going away for a while to remake myself. I'll come back better. I promise.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I'm gonna get this job and make you proud and take care of mom and your dog and everything will be fine. *Fingers crossed*

Love,

I told the love of my life that i want most of all for them to be happy.

What i didn't say is i wanted them to be happy with me.

But they're happy with someone else.

So i said, "i want you to be happy", and then part of me died a little.

I wish I could watch this with you and discuss it. And bitch and cry and solve the world's problems.

Have a drink to our ancestors.

I miss you.

I like how she doesn't sugar coat anything. She's honestly horrified because it is a horrifying part of history. I hate it....

And i wish you were here because then you could teach me Choctaw and i promise I would learn this time 🥲

I love you and i hope you're feeling peaceful and resting easy. Wherever you are, you're still in my heart.

Love,

Child

I met someone special. I think i could fall in love with them.

She's amazing...

And perfect.

I'm waiting for her to get off work so i can hear her voice. ❤️

Let's play music; i want to write Her a song!

Love,

I bumped into an old friend today. Someone i thought I would never see again. It was weird and special and... I wonder if it's the last time I'll ever see them...

Some people we don't get to keep; we just have them for a moment, and then treasure them for a lifetime.

Like you.

Love,