Letters Of A Trans Man

To feel most myself

Where I am most unfamiliar

Where I am a stranger

To neighbourhoods

Cafes

Restaurants

Streets

Language

And yet in so much

unfamiliarity

I find myself

Peaceful

Time and time again

We find ourselves here,

Two ships passing in the night,

Two sides of the same coin.

Hopeless and romantic,

Yearning for love we ourselves,

Cannot match.

Orbiting each other’s atmosphere,

Falling in and out of place.

Youth our history,

Unsure of our future,

Hesitating our present.

Is fate funny?

Does she delight in her own humour?

Friends to strangers,

To lovers in a relationship,

That wasn’t ours.

Both driven by need,

Belonging,

Now friends again.

I’m intercepting messages,

Signals from the inner circle,

But I can’t decipher them.

Do I have the right key,

Or am I just your new obsession?

Are you just to fill the space?

Is our codependency in the driver seat,

Of a car neither of us can drive?

Would you be another casualty,

Chewed and spat back?

Are we perfectly broken

That we somehow fit,

Or are we another lesson to learn

How many hours have I logged

Punch my card in

And out

To be enough

My worth shrinking

With every hour

I spend

Each message sent

Nurturing your spirit

Only to find that as I grow

Yours

Mine own shrivels

A feeding tube from

My heart

To your stomach

How easy it must be

To digest so much love

Pouring into you

To only feel full

As I starve

And whither

Emptying all I had

Into you

Leaving me with nothing

But my thoughts

To gnaw on

Our memories

Your empty calorie words

Did you tell me your having

Feelings

Undefined, vague feelings

So you could continue being fed

So that you

Didn’t lose your supply

If he isn’t enough for your appetite

Then how silly of me

To think

There is no queer joy

No liberation for me

I am shackled

A bittersweet epiphany

My blood

My essence

Learning

Hard lessons

Is this cosmic

A holy joke?

Like eggs in morning

A broken yoke

A laugh

A tear

I stress

I fear

How long did you linger?

Who gifted this curse?

Now I sit and ponder

And wait for my hearse

My mother would say

It’s a part of that life

My father would cry

Twisting the knife

I’m tired

I’m cold

I thought it got better

Or is that just what was told?

Finally stepping into sunlight

Forgot how easily I burn

My flesh boiling and bubbling

Is this what I earn?

My cells betrayed me

Making the body weak

Limerence made me do it

Isn’t this always

How it ends

And I really

Should have known

But this is my consequence

And I accept

The punishment

Of loving you

Of loving another

Wrong man

Painting you

With brushes you

Didn’t buy

And paint

You didn’t pick

As you outline my canvas

This is consequence

Because I thought

You were nice

And I let it

Slide

Again

And

Again

And

Again

Only realising that I

Did not break any patterns

That I succumbed to

Another go around

Another trip

Around the sun

And I flew

Too close

Again

Or maybe

I was just blinded

Mistaking lasers

For sunlight

Beamed up to your ship

For experiments

For tests

How much can I endure

This time

But this consequence

Is my wake up call

Love is not a test of endurance

I lay down my sword

I walk away from the battlefield

You did not care

Or respect me

Just a warm place

To put yourself inside of

On cold nights

When your bed was lonely

And you wanted worship

And like religious zealots

to write about romance

when there is none

When the land is barren and dry

The soil poison to seedlings

when words begin to sour

Like bad grapes

You spit from your mouth

A repulsion

A compulsion

Takes hold

And you try for another

where are artists without their paints

without their sounds

without their love

a romance writer cannot write about love

if there’s no love to be had here

but I plead with spellcasters

seers and sorcerers

Conjuring up a future

A hope

A hello

From someone new

And I just pray

I’m tired

That’s my excuse

My response

Instead of saying

I’m lonely

I’m in pain

I’m hollow

And filled the brim

With anguish

All at once

I hate the glass I walk on

While I smile

As my feet bleed

I’m tired

Of being

Entertainment

Instead of human

I’m tired

Of breathing

And feeling my heart pump

Knowing I want it to stop

I’m tired

Crying in hidden moments

Forced back into

Closets

Which you didn’t even notice

You don’t even care

I am broken and shattered

And because it doesn’t

Fit

My agony

Stays chained

How does it feel

Seeing the life leave my eyes

Or did you even bother to look

While you take

And take

And take

And take

I know

I’m too quick to move on

But after only four months

Of flash floods

And sinkholes

No sunshine breaking our days

How could you not

Why do you stay

In an abandoned building

Based on false prophecy

And shaky expectations

I still can’t tell

What is real

What is pretend

Clawing away rubble

To find my friend

But before I can

The rotted floorboards

Give way

And I’m trapped

Wondering if she ever existed

Or if it was all a game

A ploy to decode my heart

Even though the signs were there

A truth I couldn’t face

That didn’t fit your narrative

And now my therapist

Is drawing parallels

Between you

And my family

Nauseously ruminating

Floating in the corners

Of the spaces we share

My breath doesn’t catch

And I have no words left

While you play the victim

And I figure out

It’s only been a day

24 meticulous hours

And I already want

To take it all back

Pretend I didn’t confess

Just to keep you a little longer

I saw the news

The white smoke charging

In the Vatican

And I didn’t want to

Talk to anyone else

But you

Every song is

Fish hooks in my chest

Stringing me up

Flesh pierced and prodded

All because you’re gone

All because I was weak

Selfish

Because only having your body

And not your heart

Was killing me

Your facaded perfection

I know

But you were kind

You were gentle

When it was just us

You were all I needed

To reset

Recharge

Realign

Revive

When the rest drain

You restored

But what I miss most

Is being in your orbit

Except

I can’t say for sure if you

Miss being in mine

I sit in my darkened corner

Watching the door

Reality and delusion playing tug of war

Hope and despair tango in my ventricles

A big gesture

A big romantic gesture

Where you choose me

Even if just for two hours

But here you would be

If movies were reality

If you actually loved me

Or liked me

Or thought of me as more

Than just the body you pull into yours

When he’s away

And your body aches to be touched

Your devotee

A rebel without a cause

Or just a fool

Wanting to be loved

And of course I see your profile

And of course you’re just a man

And of course I let my guard down

To play pretend

Believe you were more than you are

You let me put on a show

Touch you in ways that sets your skin on fire

While I become a hyperbole of noise

Just so you can hear the sound of your

Unearned achievement

You’ve never been who I thought you were

I didn’t have to wait for the other shoe to drop

You kicked off both of them at my door

That very first time

And over

And over

And over

Why did I bother putting you on a pedestal

Made out of recycled paper

Notes and letters

Pages and pages

Hope in the form of poems and songs

Begging that this time

I didn’t choose the wrong guy

And I know I’m just angry

That you proved I could still love

After all

And I’m just angry

Its the way you pull the covers back up

When they slip off me

It’s the way you look so grateful

When you get on your knees

Like you’re being touched for the first time

And when I touch you there

There

There

You sound like my favourite song

And I’m playing you over and over

Until I know every note

It’s the out of sync rhythm

And when we find it again

Or feeling you kiss me

On my shoulder

It’s something intimate

I think you’re sweet

You’re something new

And I didn’t think I had a sweet tooth

Is it a premonition

Or am I playing a game I created

Is it superstition

Or am I playing chess with the mirror again

Did I do it?

If I did

Put me down like a dog

But I can’t trust my own mind

Don’t know myself enough

To be a character witness

Or am I just playing the victim

Wolf in sheep’s clothing

Criminal mastermind who

Revisits the scenes of his crimes

Had to get off the road but

Maybe I need to stop

playing chicken and

Arms open

One foot in front of

The other

Stop avoiding the intimacy

Embracing death’s cold but welcoming

Kiss

Be a martyr with a martyr complex

Find my purpose in the leaving

The best you can do

For everyone

At the end

Is to remove

Is to erase

Is to unshackle the chains

Weighing heavy on their wrists

And free them

With my absence

And maybe that’s why I saw you

Downtown

Your back turned

Moving forward

Me unknowingly walking behind

Haunting

Once again being your shadow

The dark you escaped

Creeping

And yet there I was

Crossing streets

Charting a new path to free myself

From yours

In case you return, Orpheus

Repeat past mistakes

And meet my eyes

Guilty and guilted coincidence

The curse of living in our town

My constant reminder

Of the worst parts of myself

Of the good I twisted and tortured

In someone I claimed to love above all else

A personal dungeon

Of my uncertainty

Of my cruelty

To then burden you with my self-hatred

And turn on you right back

A victim

Caught in my crossfire

Thinking he was getting respite

That he was free from the devastation of

Loving broken people

Of trying to touch someone

Who had already been infected

I’ve hurt too many

In piecing myself together wrong

And thinking I walked and talked like every

Other Barbie and Ken Doll

But my scuff marks and mismatched pieces

Crooked and sticking out

Don’t fool many

Just those I bait and lure

Misery loves company

And I love to host

Dinner is served

The polished crystal

Filled with the good wine

Let me take your coat

Push your chair in

Charm like a haze

Of sunlight

Warming your skin

Until you realise

The warmth you feel

Is from taking a seat

In a burning building

I should’ve asked you to hold me

Wrap your arms around me

So I can sink in

I should’ve asked you to stay

15 more minutes that

We could’ve spent kissing

I didn’t think it would be this bad

The drop after you left

The smell of you on my sheets

My skin

My lips

I should’ve told you right there

That instead of begging for your scraps

I want to beg for it all

The whole meal

I’m greedy and it’s your fault

But it’s really mine

Just like the time before

I want to be the dog you feed from the table

That sleeps in your bed

Watches tv with you

Keep me like a pet

What would happen

If I took another step

What would happen

If I took another breath

What would happen

If I were to take this step

What would happen

Would it be too much for me to handle

Would it confirm all they’ve said

Or just maybe

It could be

The freedom I’ve been dreaming of

Doors and keys

Secrecy

My blood on your hands

Almost elbow deep

Tears shed under prismic skies

Its saturation of brilliance dripping in colour

Smearing my face

Coating my skin

Absorbing

Hydrating

Reviving

What was almost lost

So what would happen

If shared this post

What would happen

If I cut my hair

What would happen

If I changed my name

What would happen

If I walked the hot coals

And lived to tell the tale

Of when I was shown

The depth of strength

Prometheus of humanity

A test of character

Of finding a way through

Muddled waters

Stained by falsehood supremacies

To understanding the cosmic notion

of life

And purpose

And love

And knowing

And understanding

And acceptance

And peace

And peace

I read your letter,

Once

Twice

Over and over

To find your humanity

Amidst your need for control

For dominance

Words written like finger paintings

She reads each line as a sorrow-ridden widow

I read it as the cruel man you were

The cruel man you are

The exaggerated capitals

Intention to convey devotion

But it reads as obsession

Because you do not know love

She is oceans away 

An island you will never wash ashore

You terrorise and you deflect

You take a child you once called blood

And leave her crying in backseats of cars

In bedrooms

In waiting rooms

Your very hurt transferring like credits at college

From her body to him

I can grow

I can change my exterior

The way I speak

But because of you

I will never be able to escape this dull ache

if you didn’t ask permission

and you were suddenly just leaning in

my answer changes by the day

the initial shock

or the cautious acceptance

which it’s probably for the best

because my emotions are land mines

and I can’t bare to let you step on one