Overflow of Random Nonsense

“Whites only water fountains. You can drink elsewhere”

“Jews not allowed. Live in the ghettos or send them to the camps.”

“Women have no place in the workforce, they belong in the kitchen.”

“It’s okay to be a trans woman, just don’t go inside female designated toilets”

“It’s okay to be gay, just don’t crossdress, flaunt yourself in public, or be my child’s teacher.”

“I’m not saying drag queens are bad for society, there is just a right place for it”

In my perpetual sleeplessness, restful slumber evades me. I find myself in simple disbelief of how easy it is for you fall asleep beside me. Seldom do I find myself annoyed by this bliss. Oftentimes, I look at you and I am at peace. 

I am at peace knowing that life has been kinder to you even when it has been calloused towards me. I am at peace knowng that a smile and a laugh that emanates from you is not tainted by sorrow. I am at peace knowing that you don’t have the weight of what bears heavy in my chest. And in life’s utter unfairness, I am at peace knowing that your troubles are not as deep as mine. 

There is so much anger in me, so much pain that is waiting to burst. Somehow, hot tears diffuse the pressure that builds up time and again. It urges me to run away to a place where my existence just disappears in a busy crowd, unknown to anyone. A shadow with no name. Perhaps when I become noone, my troubles will let me go and I can be free. These lives will still go on without me.

I walk under the shadows of trees whose fallen leaves have surrendered and branches bare naked to the season. There is a chill in the air as autumn starts bearing its mark and the day darkens to a close. It feels somewhat mournful. I am pensive, oblivious to the noise that surround me and all my senses become mute.

I think to myself, “what is my life’s narrative?”. I often look at my life like a reader renders the words of a book into imagination. Sometimes, akin to movies, I imagine that there is music playing in the background during the scenes of my life for onlookers to understand the emotions that run deep in my soul. Perhaps I look for sympathy in times where I feel a victim; admiration in times where I feel more of a heroin. 

I have been in a hiatus for so long. I forgot how it is to make words flow from the hollowness of my thoughts into this blank screen, my fingers tapping rhythmicly. It is euphoric. It feels like a song, moreso a memory of how I was back then. 

I can feel my chest heave, my eyes glistening as my vision blurs, and the slow release of tension as tears trickle down my cheeks. I am mad - in the insane sense of the word. In-between a laugh and a cry. It feels all so familiar but weirdly not as frighteningly heavy. 

Books are a detriment to my sanity. I’d like to think so. Under the lamplight, words are blaring at me and my mind feels under attack. It takes up arms and throws words back to an unseen enemy. I walk in existence with random words flashing in my head. Nuanced. I refuse to be any less poetic. I refuse to be meek. We live a mediocre life and how it unfolds is barely within our control. In the grand scheme of things, I am a mere statistic. In the end, death takes us all that even a sigh to my memory will cease to exist.

This is me in a SCUBA suit. Yes me. Since I could remember, one of my life goals is to one day be able to swim with sharks. This is the day that I took one step towards that goal and stepped back wondering if I will ever do this again.

Little does anyone know, I am not just wet all over. Inside that mask, my eyes are wet with tears fighting the devil in my mind telling me that I can’t do this, that this is too much. Morbidly speaking, my mind has a vivid image of me drowning because I breathed the wrong way, I am too far from safety, no one is noticing I am in trouble, and rescue will be too late. My mind goes on and on and it is paralyzing. 

I am a rationale human being. I think objectively, removing myself and my emotions from the situation in front of me. I think of the processes and the technicalities, try to see everything in all perspectives, weigh risks, and plan my actions. I look at ever angle I could find where things might go wrong and form a contingency plan. All these, simply to convince myself that it’s okay, that I’m okay, and that I can do this. 

Don’t get me wrong, this was one of the best days of my life. Yet, also one of the most terrifying. When all my dreams and hopes fall hostage to my anxieties and my fears, I can either find the bravery within me and push forward or cower in silent defeat. 

It took me some minutes, a good amount of convincing, holding back on puking, and enormous strength to stay underwater for probably a solid 5 minutes. But it felt like eternity. Although eventually my anxiety took the best of me and I had to go back up, I am extremely proud of myself for this small feat. This one will not be the last. I owe it to myself to keep going.